snarky-trek-reviews Reviews

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Skin of Evil (1988) Season 1, Episode 22

Monster of the week kills Tasha, gets therapy

[7/10 · 31 January 2023]

Tasha and Worf chemistry is strong. Too bad this is the first and only time we see it on screen. Troi is on her way back from a conference until her shuttle gets in trouble, so we need to call on yet another chief engineer to help us go and get her. Aligning Dilithium crystals by hand is faster than letting the computer do it. I'm sure it is more accurate too. After all, all they do is regulate a matter anti-matter reaction so how dangerous could it really be? Make it so engineer of the week Lt Cmdr Lynch.

Once we catch up with Troi, we learn that she is being held captive by an oil slick is named Armus. Riker spouts some federation propaganda about respect for all living things, but Armus isn't buying it, so he kills Tasha by putting a birth mark on her face.

While the away team heads back to the ship to see if they can save Tasha with micro volts, Armus goes back to Troi to get some therapy. Sounds like he's had a hard life. Either that or he is just really bored.

Shenanigans ensue, Riker goes for a swim, Picard joins the party, and Armus gets more therapy. Eventually he lets Picard visit with Troi who promptly breaks doctor patient confidentiality and spills the beans on Armus's trauma.

Picard philosophizes with Armus while Worf and Wesley figure out how to beam everyone up. Picard condemns Armus to a lonely life of pain and suffering by declaring his home planet off limits to all other travelers in accordance with federation protocol. That'll show him.

Tasha's memorial hologram has lots of nice things to say about her crew, including the twerp who flies the ship. Too bad the audience never got to see any of the things she reflects on. It's more like the writers are using her memorial to explain to the audience who they want their characters to be in an outstanding demonstration of that old axiom, tell don't show. Data has a "what is it be human" moment and were off to our next adventure.

Overall, this episode is pretty good. Picard is diplomatic, Worf gets promoted, and Wesley only has one or two lines. The crew works together as a team and is starting to feel like a family.

Verdict: Watch

Other thoughts:

Its only now dawned on me that the purpose of the captain's log is to remind the audience what was happening before the commercial break.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Symbiosis (1988) Season 1, Episode 21

Tasha dares Wesley to just say no

[8/10 · 27 January 2023]

We open with the bridge crew studying a sun which is causing all the ships systems to fail. Wesley is on the bridge though so everything should be fine. It seems the bridge crew hasn't ever seen a solar flare before. Riker is so inspired he uses the word awesome which probably didn't sound awkward in 1987. Troi informs Picard the ship's crew is feeling tense, so he takes the ship in closer to get a better look. A distress call from some slack jawed yokels on a nearby freighter comes in and the drama begins to unfold.

After rescuing four people and a piece of cargo we do a meet and greet with the survivors. Turns out the cargo is medicine and two of the survivors are wealthy coastal elites demanding payment from the country bumpkins who badly need it.

Both parties have special solar flare powered hands which leads to an energetic Aaron Sorkin style walk and talk between Tasha and Riker. As Picard mediates the dispute, he learns that the two yokels need the medicine because they are carrying a plague. Fortunately, he contacts doctor Crusher and takes them to sick bay instead of instigating lockdowns, mask mandates, and social distancing while endlessly fearmongering the crew through the many screens aboard the ship.

Plot twist, the Trumpers aren't sick at all they are just junkies addicted to the "medicine" coming from the coastal corridors. Worse yet, the rich people that make the medicine have built their entire economy around the pharmaceutical industry. As soon as the normies from flyover country realize they don't need what their betters are peddling the parasitic relationship will come to an end and middle America will once again begin to flourish.

I'll leave the ending unstated as I rather like this episode. The prime directive is given serious attention here without feeling preachy or out of place. Crusher is emotional, but she isn't wrong. Picard is objective, but he isn't right. In the end Picard makes the right decision and the audience is left to contemplate its implications. Well done writers, this is the first episode of the series that actually feels like Star Trek.

Verdict: Watch. This is a season one stand out.

Other thoughts:

This is the Picard I know and love: diplomatic, thoughtful, and assertive. His decisions drive the story forward, not Wesley's.

Denise Crosby is a really good actress, and I am starting wish they had killed Troi off instead of her.

Autism alerts:

Tasha instructs the crew of the other ship to set their transporters to 970 3 mark 2 68. You need a horizontal direction, a vertical direction, and a distance in order to target a specific location in space. It takes some mental gymnastics, but if 970 somehow represents degrees on a horizontal circle, 3 represents the base length of a right triangle, and 268 represents degrees on a vertical circle, then what Tasha says makes sense. On the other hand, there is no reason to think federation coordinate conventions are the galactic standard.

There are "thousands" of other people suffering on the junky planet and 4 billion doses of medicine that lasts at most 72 hours. Let's be conservative and say the drugs only lasts for an average of 50 hours. To make the math even easier we will assume "thousands" means forty thousand. That's 100,000 doses per person. Times 50 hours makes 5,000,000 hours per person. There are 365 days in a year time 24 hours in a day for 8760 hours in a year. 5,000,000 div 8760 is a about 577.776. Even if we round that down it'll still be more than 500 years before they run out of drugs.

As Crusher and Picard leave the cargo bay at 42:14 Paramount+ standard time you can see Tasha in the background waiving at the camera for some reason.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Arsenal of Freedom (1988) Season 1, Episode 20

The Federation sends the Enterprise to buy weapons

[8/10 · 25 January 2023]

We kick this episode off with Picard giving a smirk of approval to the notion of selling weapons to both sides of a conflict. America's disposition toward the middle east comes to mind but I digress. We learn that Riker was offered his own ship before accepting the post of second officer on the Enterprise. Riker's unwillingness to take command is a recurring theme throughout TNG. I sort of wish they spun him off mid series but whatever.

Next, we meet a holographic arms merchant who understands how the universe actually works: "Peace through superior firepower." Picard is impressed so he sends an away team down to make contact and negotiate a sale.

We quickly learn that Starfleet technology can't melt Tritanium so it's a good thing we are here. Looks like we might get to score a free sample, but a reconnaissance drone shows up and traps Riker in a stasis field. Realizing Riker won't be able to close the deal Picard puts Geordi in charge of the ship and beams down to the planet himself with Crusher in tow.

The super dooper sci fi weapon that destroyed a planet has garbage aim but it still manages to chase Picard and Crusher into a hole.

Back in space we meet yet another chief engineer. This time it's Lt. Logan, and he means business. Geordi handles him nicely by putting him in charge of the saucer section and sending him off into space with all the other nonessentials.

Back on the planet Tasha, Riker and Data tangle with another drone while Picard raises Crusher's legs and keeps her warm. She gets tired of his company though, so Picard goes to meet the with the salesman, gets the low down on the Echo Papa 607, and closes the deal.

Jokes aside, this episode is pretty good for season 1, and not half bad when considering the series as a whole. Geordi really feels like a character, Riker and Tasha show hints of sexual chemistry, Worf has some good one liners, and Wesley is nowhere to be found.

Verdict: A season 1 standout.

Fun facts:

Android's can survive 11.75 meter drops without issue. Picard must have landed on something soft.

Lorenz is the mathematician that developed chaos theory.

The alternative name for the Enterprise is the lollipop. She's a good ship.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Heart of Glory (1988) Season 1, Episode 19

Art of Story

[7/10 · 5 September 2021]

The Enterprise and her crew get word of a battle in the neutral zone (which neutral zone is unclear) and are asked to check it out. Since the humans are a bunch of xenophobic jack wagons they immediately assume it's the Ferengi or worse the Romulans and start contemplating saucer separation. Turns out it's a Telarian freighter. We get some cringe inducing dialogue and a plot contrivance with Geordi's visor but once we find some surviving Klingons on board the freighter the episode starts to get interesting. The sequence that follows is legitimately tense and the subsequent interactions between the Klingons and Worf aboard the Enterprise are well written, so much so that I am willing to ignore the fact that the Klingons also cast aspersions on my people. There is lots of good Worf back story here, as well as development of the Klingons as a race. This is the first episode where Worf really feels like a character with motives and a purpose. Too bad Tasha never got an episode like this though having them both on the bridge never really works.

Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is garbage. Picard really bugs me here. It still feels like the writers don't know who they want him to be. The notion that Worf might betray the Enterprise crew and join with the Klingons seem ridiculous, but the writers want us to believe that Picard is legitimately concerned about that. There is room for Troi here to make this seem more believable but the writers left her out of this one completely. In a gesture of kindness and goodwill to fans of the show the writers left Wesley out as well. Amazing how the stories hold together when boy wonder isn't shoehorned in at the center of the drama. The security officer in charge of guarding the Klingons is a dumb-bass and deserves to get shot, Tasha loses here ability to use contractions towards the end of the episode, and engineering needs to replace its glass floors with transparent aluminum. Otherwise I have no complaints.

Verdict: Watchable and at times engaging.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Coming of Age (1988) Season 1, Episode 18

Wesley Crusher is Blue Pill Beta Male Garbage and I want to murder his face

[1/10 · 4 September 2021]

You guys remember Jake, the other young man we've been getting to know over the past 18 episodes? Do you remember how we watched him and Wesley compete with each other, develop a friendship, and then work together to get into Star Fleet Academy. You don't? That's okay, just assume all that happened off camera while Wesley apologizes for being better than someone we've never met before. Don't you see how Nobel and good Wesley is. He feels bad about succeeding like the blue pill beta male that he is. And he's going to Make Jake reassure him that everything is okay. What a guy! See Wesley is all grown up now so his mom calls him "Mr. Crusher" and he calls her "Doctor" because this is how family members talk to each other. You remember that part of being a teenager don't you?

At least there is a B-Plot to break up that nauseating dialogue. Turns out it's another evil admiral, or a suspicious one at least. His name is Quinn and he's here to investigate Picard and his crew. He's brought a leg humping commander named Remmick along with him. These two seem like they mean business but Picard and Quinn are old friends so we should get some of the inside baseball before long.

Back over to the Wesley story a pretty young thing walks up to Wesley and asks him about his unit because Wesley is the most interesting young man in the galaxy and she has heard all about how smart and young he is as she looks at his crotch. 5:51 on Netflix, watch the scene yourself. Bashful Wesley makes me want to slap his face but this pretty young thing needs Wesley to encourage her. A Vulcan girl walks up and she wants Wesley's nuts too, but Wesley is all about the blue fish looking dude with a breathing thing in his face. His name is Mordock, he's a Benzite, and he is even more famous than Wesley.

In comes Lt. Chang to start their exams. Sounds to me like Star Fleet Academy is too hard to get into but maybe they have four new candidates here every week. Back aboard the ship Remmick is making friends with the bridge crew. They seem to like him well enough though Riker's panties seem to be in a bit of a twist. Sigh, back on the planet Wesley is getting questions right and reassuring Oliana or whatever her name is that he isn't the prodigy he's been made out to be since Encounter at Far Point. It's a good thing Wesley is cute or he could really be obnoxious. Excuse me while I go clean a toilet with my tongue.

Back on board the ship the Riker Remmick bromance is in full bloom. They examine and discuss some of the Captains logs together. Why they do this in the Captain's ready room instead of on the poop deck is a little strange but maybe Picard has a bathroom in his ready room we don't know about. Remmick then goes to engineering to make friends with Geordi, back to the ready room for a chat with Troi, and just when as the B-plot starts to get interesting we cut to an establishing shot of Wesley on the Holodeck. Worf walks in but agrees to leave because Wesley is the superior man between the two of them. Wesley takes pity on him and the two of them have a heart to heart. This is the first time we see a little bit of Worf's character, but it's in relation to Wesley so that makes this scene a wash for me.

Back on the bridge Jake steals a shuttle and runs away from home before losing power and putting himself on a collision course with the planet. Worf is back on the bridge somehow and even though Wesley has been beaming up and down all day Jake is mysteriously out of transporter range. Picard handles the situation like a boss and the bridge crew celebrates. Even Remmick gets in on the fun.

Back on the planet Wesley is hanging out with some aliens by a map painting of a hallway when things threaten to take a violent turn. But Wesley channels his inner alpha because he's perfect and always knows how to handle every situation and is totally believable and everyone likes him.

Remmick has a strange way of making friends with Picard and his senior staff so Picard heads down to see Admiral Quinn.

Back on the planet Mordock gets frustrated so Wesley sacrifices his chance at a top score to help Mordock earn the second fastest time ever recorded on this particular test. You see, Wesley isn't just smart, cute, and self-assertive he is also humble and self sacrificing, always putting others ahead of himself. Excuse me while I get back to cleaning that toilet.

Remmick delivers his report to Picard and Quinn. It's full of apologies because he has nothing but good things to say. He then asks Picard for a job because that follows logically and is completely fitting with his character. Quinn wants to promote Picard to admiral and have him take over Star Fleet Academy. He's got his reasons. Apparently there is some rot inside of Star Fleet. I've been pointing this out for years but whatever, it's time for Wesley's psyche test. Turns out his deepest fear is playing the hero when disaster strikes an environmental lab. I'm going to go finish off that toilet.

Mordock wins the candidacy and apologies for his success because that's what winners do in the Star Trek universe. We see Jake for the last time ever as Picard makes his way about the ship dispensing wisdom to the next next generation of academy graduates before turning down the job at Starfleet Academy. Wesley flies the ship off into the sunset with a stupid smile on his punchable face and the episode is over.

Verdict: Cringe your way through or skip completely.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Home Soil (1988) Season 1, Episode 17

The micro brains and the ugly bags of mostly water

[5/10 · 3 September 2021]

None of the bridge crew has ever seen a terraforming operation before. They ring the door bell but no one is home. Eventually they get someone on the line but he doesn't want to be bothered. Picard insists and the episode gets going. The lady that greets them is nice enough, Riker seems smitten, and some dude is all about Data. They take a tour of the station and so the writers can teach the audience about terraforming. There is much ado about some salty subsurface water and a some dude get killed by a laser drill. Otherwise everything is fine.

The laser drill tries to kill Data so he breaks it. Turns out it takes a full year to build one so the terraforming dude who was impressed with Data is a little bit pissed. Picard assumes one of the terraformers is a murderer so starts an investigation that throws the terraformers even further off schedule. The director is a little bit pissed. Otherwise everything is fine.

Geordi is rather impressed with a flashing light so they beam it aboard under the assumption that it is an inorganic life form. They study the flashing light and have an interesting back and forth with the computer. In order to get to the bottom of the mystery Picard accuses the terraforming director of murder and Troi sends Riker to seduce his assistant. Back in the science lab the flashing light has a baby so Dr. Crusher isolates it in a quarantine field as they evacuate the lab. The whatever it is decides to take over the lab. Otherwise everything is fine.

After a lengthy conference with the terraforming team the life form starts talking, confesses to the murder, insults the crew, and starts taking over the ship. The ugly bags of mostly water deem this new life form a micro brain and decide that they are now at war. After another conference and failed attempts at both transportation and suffocation the micro brain transforms into a full blown crystal. Otherwise everything is fine.

The ugly bags of mostly water turn off the lights and the micro brain cries uncle. Before returning to the planet the micro brain insults the ugly bags of mostly water a few more times. The terraformers learn their lesson, the Captain quarantines the planet, and homeostasis is restored.

Verdict: Yawn inducing but alright for season 1.

Fun Fact: Programmers on board the Enterprise have their own restroom.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Too Short a Season (1988) Season 1, Episode 15

Lessons in Federation Leadership

[5/10 · 20 August 2021]

There isn't much of note in this episode. An old man grows young to settle an old score. Bad makeup, bad acting, and badly planned away missions ensue as the story unfolds. The final scene is okay and the episode resolves on a moral note, one of TNG's better qualities. Wesley is nowhere to be found which is great and we see more of diplomat Picard, the best version of the character.

What is noteworthy here is who the federation promotes to admiral. Mark Jameson is the rule, not the exception, when it comes to federation leadership. 45 years prior to this mission, Jameson armed both sides of a conflict on an alien world in order to end a hostage situation. As the planet fell into civil war, the federation shrugged its shoulders and promoted Jameson to admiral. That really tells you everything you need to know about the intentions of federation leadership. That Picard goes along with Jameson after he finds out instead of immediately relieving him of duty and confining him to quarters tells you even more. The federation is rotten to its core, concealing the chaos it creates and the people it conquers underneath the guise of benevolent diplomacy.

Verdict: Educational but forgettable.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Chain of Command, Part II (1992) Season 6, Episode 11

There seems to be some confusion over the number of lights in Picard's torture chamber

[9/10 · 16 May 2021]

This episode is much better than part 1 as its focus is on Picard and his captor Gul Madred. Their back and forth is masterful and the B plot back on board the Enterprise plays out smoothly. Riker isn't wrong and Jellico isn't right. They both lean into their characters perfectly though one does wish Riker had moved on to captain some other starship when he had the chance.

Turns out you can easily fit 500 anti-matter mines in the back of a class-2 shuttle and it'll look like you are only carrying eight to ten. Titan's turn sounds like a lot of fun and I hope that becomes a real thing in some distant future for our species. There does seem to be some confusion over the number of lights in Picard's torture chamber but reasonable people can disagree on these sorts of things.

To complete our study of Federation leadership compare and contrast how much composure Picard displays while being tortured, versus how little Jellico displays while at the negotiating table. They put their most skilled diplomat in harms way and a war monger at the helm of their most powerful ship. What does the Federation leadership really want? Are they completely incompetent or outright malicious? I suppose it doesn't matter. If an entire fleet of Cardi ships can be spooked into retreat by a few mines they don't deserve Minos Corva anyway. Perhaps at some point in the future they will makes some friends that will teach them how to effectively challenge federation power.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Chain of Command, Part I (1992) Season 6, Episode 10

The federation is an aggressive and imperialist power

[6/10 · 16 May 2021]

Lets consider the behavior of federation leadership in this episode. Captain Picard, a calm, level headed, and skilled diplomat, is assigned to a search and destroy mission behind enemy lines while his ship is handed over to a hot headed, insecure captain clearly itching for a fight who is supposed to take the lead in negotiations.

Right before Picard leaves on his mission Jellico makes his position clear. He is certain the Cardassians are not going to listen to reason and the Federation has no intention of making any concessions. That is not the mindset of a man preparing for a negotiation. That is the mindset of a man preparing for war and all of his actions in this episode align with that intent. Jellico's intent is made all the more obvious during his meetings with Gol Lemec. It seems Jellico, and by extension the Federation, is not at all satisfied with the results of the armistice two years ago and is out to extract further gains from the Cardassians. Despite all his bluster and alpha posturing, Lemec easily maintains the upper hand throughout their meetings.

Perhaps you think Jellico and the federation are justified. After all, Federation intelligence is pretty sure the Cardassians are developing a weapon of mass destruction outside the boundaries of interstellar agreements. If you love this episode and think Captain Jellico "is actually pretty awesome", but hated the Bush administration and the disposition of the United States towards the middle east, you might want to take a good look in the mirror.

It's an engaging episode. Captain Jellico would make an excellent war time Captain, and I really like the way he handles Diana. Riker and the rest of the crew are slow to adjust to the change in command, but Jellico does absolutely nothing to establish their trust. He could have at least made an honest statement of intent and their mission when command of the Enterprise was formerly handed over to him. The only member of the crew he seems to get on with well is the emotionless machine. If that's not a red flag for leadership style I don't know what is.

The Cardassians aren't completely innocent here, but their skepticism of the Federation is completely justified and they have every right to protect the integrity of their territory. I think its time we stopped thinking of the Federation as the good guys and instead start looking at them like the aggressively imperialist power that they are. Sure, they may be imperialist for values that you cherish, but their diplomacy-first-live-and-let-live attitude is a charade meant to lull their galactic neighbors to sleep.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: 11001001 (1988) Season 1, Episode 14

Riker plays with his bone on the holodeck while what I assume are Facebook employees of the future steal the ship

[7/10 · 5 March 2021]

This. Star. Base. Is. Awesome.

Que the sci- fi sound effects at -45:03 and again at -44:32 Netflix standard time and we are off to meet the Binares. Observe the subtle smiles of the one on the left (no, stage left) as they make their way to engineering.

The Bynars are an interesting race and I wish we would have seen more of them throughout TNG's run though they are, to my knowledge, a one off. Turns out its another Riker episode with Picard as second fiddle. We saw the beginning of diplomat Picard in Code of Honor but we haven't seen much else of interest since then. He's largely relegated to explaining things for the audience and badly timed and largely unnecessary words of encouragement to his crew. The most memorable character from the show isn't all that interesting yet.

We do see the crew start to function as a team here but its frustrating how underdeveloped the main cast still is. The Data/Geordi bromance is well underway though Levar Burton is still over acting: "REALLY!" The set up for something fun with Worf and Tasha is there but the writers fail to pay it off. And while Wesley is less irksome than he used to be he still has too much screen time. Troi is absent but you will hardly notice. We also get some foreshadowing of Crusher's exit from the show. Her excitement about "cybernetics and regeneration" is noteworthy given the upcoming introduction of the Borg.

As a side note, the Bynar and the Borg seem to have a lot in common which makes their absence from future episodes feel like a real missed opportunity. Computer/human hybrids were clearly on the writer's minds as they imagined the TNG universe.

The episode falls apart at the end but only if you think about it which is completely optional. How did the Bynars get the data from their planetary computer to the Star Base to begin with? Where did they store it while waiting for the Enterprise? Or did their star go super nova after they took control of the Enterprise but before Picard and Riker left the holodeck? And how does a star the in the Bynar system go nova without wiping out everything else within the solar system.

The writers don't know as much about science as we've been led to believe, but at least there are always chairs on the bridge when you need them despite the fact that they were clearly missing in the previous scene and no one else is onboard the ship.

Que the sci-fi sound effects at -3:03 and were out.

All things considered this episode is pretty easy to watch and even somewhat memorable, but the show still feels lopsided. Tasha and Worf remain underdeveloped while Data and Wesley get too much screen time. Riker is the only character that seems to have come into his own.

Verdict: Pretty good for season 1

Fun Facts:

1) In 41 seconds, two people came make their way from the bridge to a transporter room, beam out, hold a conversation, and still have time to watch their ship leave space dock and go to warp before exploding.

2) It only takes two presses of a button on the transporter pad to beam two people to separate location on the bridge on a ten second delay.

3) There are twenty transporter rooms onboard the enterprise, not counting the cargo bays.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Angel One (1988) Season 1, Episode 13

Hippie values in Reagan's world

[6/10 · 1 March 2021]

When reviewing a 30 year old television program you've really only got two options: judge it by the standards of your time or treat it as a window into the standards of theirs. I suppose you can also just watch for the characters, the stories, and the overall quality of the writing, but TNG season 1 seems to be going out of its way to make that difficult.

All I see in Angel One is Hippie values expressing themselves post Reagan revolution. All those kids that tuned in and dropped out eventually made their way into advertising agencies, corporate offices, and writer's rooms. And when they did they brought their new found values with them for better and for worse.

Did you know that sex exists and that its okay? It would seem that this message was incredibly important to broadcast episode after episode because here it is again in Angel One. Did you know the natural and inevitable progression of society is away from single gender dominance and towards egalitarianism? Well Riker is going to explain that to you in this episode.

And it is Riker that carries this one. His performance here is much better than in "Q Who" and he is written much more believably. In fact, this is the first episode where it gets obvious that Riker is basically just Kirk 2.0. That's a good thing as without him this episode would be a skip.

Verdict: Watchable

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Datalore (1988) Season 1, Episode 12

The curious case of the missing farmland

[4/10 · 18 February 2021]

If an Android practices sneezing in his quarters, but only Wesley is there it see it, does he still sound like a mediocre actor in need of lessons? Seeing as how we find out Data was activated 26 years ago, spent 4 years at Star Fleet Academy, 3 as an ensign, and 10 to 12 as a Lieutenant you'd think this whole fascination with humanity thing would have run its course already.

Down on the planet Geordi uses his special powers to analyze the soil and discover a secret laboratory. They find another Data inside said lab, give us a nice shot of his rump, and then skip the rest of the unboxing so we can get down to the business of assembling him back aboard the Enterprise.

Data gets called to the debriefing so Picard can give the audience a lesson in comparative anatomy before being called back down to what definitely isn't sickbay so Crusher can shut him down and cut him open. Chief Engineer Argyle is back but Dr. Crusher will lead the reassembly in what looks more like surgery than engineering in order to drive the point home that Data is more man than he is machine. Before we know it we've got our new Android up and running and he says his name is Lore. Splendid!

Picard calls Data to his ready room in order to question is loyalty while Lore, Wesley, and Geordi give the audience a lesson in helm control. Riker tricks Lore into revealing that he has an 8th grade level understanding of mathematics so Data scolds him before singing the praises of one Wesley Crusher. I'd also like to point out that its the black man in the scene who likes the sound of Lore referring to Data as "My Brutha" because I think it's funny to point that out.

Meanwhile, Data and Lore banter in his quarters. Lore admits to lying as soon as he was activated so Data gives him full access to his computer. On the bridge, Tasha uses her "turbo sensors" (I am not joking, that's what she says) in order to figure out that Lore is snooping around looking for ways to incapacitate Data. She then goes on to question Data's loyalty in front of the bridge crew and Picard is totally cool with it. So cool with it that he sings her praises.

Once Lore pulls the switcharoo that nobody saw coming he begins to explain the plot and the case of the missing farm land is solved. Since there are still about 15 minutes of episode left, Lore sets up Wesley "Scrappy Doo" Crusher to save the day.

The farm gobbler shows up looking pretty wonderful for late 80s VFX so Geordi uses his super power on it and reports back to the bridge. Wesley starts to show some maturity and acts on the obvious so Riker and Picard discipline him accordingly.

After Riker puts his gullibility on full display, Lore kicks Data in the head a few times before heading back to the bridge and suggesting the implementation of Star Fleet protocol 47A: "Beam a tree out into space and shoot it with phasers to demonstrate one's power". Picard concurs so Lore heads to the turbo lift to fight with Worf. I'm sure the writers would have created turbo phasers, turbo transporters, and turbo replicators if they had been giving the chance.

I'm also sure the Writers didn't consider the racial implications of one of the whitest character on the show delivering a beat down to one of the blackest. I mean, you could just see it as an Android fighting a Klingon which is really pretty epic, but I've wrested with my White Fragility enough to know that I HAVE to see race here order to prove I am not racist. You see how irritating that is?

I digress.

Back on the bridge Picard pimp slaps Wesley with his mouth. His mother quickly follows suit despite some initial misgivings. And while it's clear at this point that Lore is something of a psychopath, his disposition towards Wesley is in line with yours and mine so I think we should let his psychopathy slide and find a way to integrate him into the Enterprise crew.

The episode concludes with some android on android action. The troublesome little man-child saves the day because of course he does. All is forgiven as Wesley reassumes his rightful place as the star of the show, his mother is sent back to sickbay where she belongs, and the Crystalline Entity retreats because it can see the credits closing in at warp speed.

As bad as this episode is, it is necessary viewing to properly understand several episodes in later seasons as well as an important recurring character.

Verdict: "SHUT UP WESLEY"

Reviewer's note:

In fairness to Wesley, this is the first episode where I begrudgingly start to relate to his character. Perhaps the writers thought if they dumped on him enough the audience would start to endear themselves to him out of pity. Or perhaps while I was growing up I never felt like the adults were listening to me when I understood the plot better than they did. In either case, Wesley isn't wrong. The bridge crew should have been wise to what Lore was up to from the get go. Their stupidity and naivete, especially that of Riker and Picard, suggests to me that they deserved to die at the hands of the Crystalline Entity. Of course that would have put a damper on the rest of the season.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Big Goodbye (1988) Season 1, Episode 11

more of a small hello

[4/10 · 12 February 2021]

An overworked Picard sings the praises of the holodeck as though it's a revolutionary piece of technology that is not common place in the 24th century. Perhaps those aboard 1701-D are more advanced than any other in the quadrant. Whatever the case, Picard invites Dr. Crusher to join him along with an extra we've never met before and wont meet again just incase someone gets shot when the holodeck safeties fail. Data tags along as well which leads to a very well executed sequence (the highlight of the episode in fact) in which Data moves a lamp from one side of the room to another.

Shenanigans ensue both inside and outside the holodeck but never fear, Wesley Crusher will save the day. Even LeVar Burton looks irritated when he's forced to pass what should be his moment along to that not-quite-Starfleet-uniform-wearing twerp. Turns out that if Wesley shuts off the power or whatever everyone inside the holodeck might vanish. Riker doesn't think too hard about the fact that these new fangled holodecks are basically a death trap and gives the go ahead. After a brief snow storm and some holographic self awareness, Picard heads to the bridge to deliver his small hello. Off to the next adventure.

Verdict: Forgettable

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Haven (1987) Season 1, Episode 10

No Wesley!

[7/10 · 11 February 2021]

This is the first character focused episode that really works. The writers seem to know who they want the characters to be, Troi in particular. Riker still feels overly dramatic, but his series long motivations are satisfactorily established here. Data is further forced into the role of comic relief as he puts his bemusement with humanity on full display. The kid playing Wyatt is a really good actor and he steals the show here, but the best part of this episode is the complete lack of Wesley Crusher.

There are some stumbles towards the end of the episode when Wyatt decides to fulfill his destiny. His scene with Lwaxana which is supposed to motivate his decision isn't very believable. While it touches on the recurring theme of space, time, and thought being part of the same fabric, it does so badly. His final scene with Troi and his parents doesn't feel quite right either, but it works well enough as a farewell.

The mythology set up for the planet Haven as a place of healing has a nice pay off though I'd like to learn more about their Star Gate. Do they need a DHD or does it operate in some other manner? I don't recall if SG-1 ever visited a planet called Haven, but if they did I'll begin work on a connected universe theory. Seeing as how both shows play with parallel universes and alternate timelines it's entirely possible that the two shows share hither to undiscovered links.

Verdict: Engaging, but not memorable.

Other musings: Mr. Holm is a drunk and I love him. He deserves his own show, or at least some back story. The one-off transporter chief has a really interesting voice. A Betazoid wedding is probably a great place to notch your bed post.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Hide and Q (1987) Season 1, Episode 9

The writers understand that we want to watch Wesley die

[6/10 · 10 February 2021]

But unfortunately they undo their show of goodwill and make him ten years older instead. What's most upsetting about this transformation is that Riker confesses to a deep "friendship" in which he and Wesley share "long talks". They've known each other for what, ten episodes? In universe time that's about six months so maybe, but what is Riker doing hanging out with Wesley when he's off duty? The moment would be believable if we had seen one of those talks, or if they had shared more screen time, which leads me to the real problem with this episode: the enterprise crew is not a family yet.

Riker just met all these people six months ago and he is their commanding officer. While they would certainly be familiar, Riker would be in no position to fulfill the deepest desires of the bridge crew, least of all those of Wesley Crusher. Still, there is something poignant here. If you had that power of the Q, why wouldn't you use it? Would you be able to use if for good? Could you use it for good even if you wanted to? What is power without wisdom? These are important questions and the episode makes a reasonable attempt at exploring them, but because the characters are under developed at this point in the series it doesn't really work.

The writers really do get a few things right though. Their portrayal of the French soldiers is incredibly accurate. They don't just get the costume right but the skin tone and facial features as well. They also tip their hand about Picard's innate admiration for imperial conquest as Q reveals that he created the scenario based on Picard's inner thoughts. I offer this as more evidence that Picard fired on a defenseless Ferengi ship when he was captain of the Star Gazer as it appears the spirit of Napoleonic conquest is never far from his mind.

Verdict: Worth watching, but forgettable.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Battle (1987) Season 1, Episode 8

Ferengi misrepresentation in film

[6/10 · 8 February 2021]

Here we have another example of anti-Ferengi propaganda from the imperialist Federation. Damon Bok brings Picard two gifts in the spirit of friendship: Picard's old ship the Star Gazer and a thought amplification device that allows him to relive his memories from his time on board. Wouldn't you want the opportunity to say, relive a make out session with your high school sweat heart in your first car? I know I would.

It's unclear as to whether Picard was the Star Gazer's helmsman or its Captain. It is also unclear as to whether or not Picard was acting in self defense or with murderous intent when his former ship was lost. What is clear is the Federation's fear and mistrust if not out right hatred of the Ferengi, a peaceful people who want little more than to spread prosperity through out the alpha quadrant.

In exchange for his generosity, Damon Bok is stripped of command after his first officer is manipulated by Riker. I'll admit, Damon Bok should have sold Picard the Star Gazer at a fair price, but the Federation doesn't use money so how was he supposed to do that in the first place. Damon's throughout the quadrant should learn from Bok's mistake and keep any generous impulses they have in check. Especially when it comes to dealing with the Federation.

There's some good Picard back story here, but not much else. It's a quality episode by season 1 standards, but not all that memorable when considering the series as a whole.

Verdict: Watchable.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Justice (1987) Season 1, Episode 7

Wesley visits a sex planet but fails to punch his V-card.

[2/10 · 8 February 2021]

Let's face it, Gene Roddenberry and the TNG writers want Wesley to be the central character of the show. We are seven episodes in and more often than not the drama is revolving around or directly influenced by him in one way or another. I maintain my position that we are actually watching Gene Roddenberry fantasize about his own childhood when we see Wesley on screen.

The Edo are a peaceful, honest, god fearing people dedicated to sexing each other up all day. In order to maintain law and order, punishment zones are randomly set up at various locations inside their pleasure garden. Unfortunately, the punishment zones are not dedicated safe spaces for BDSM though I admit that might encourage more crime than it prevents.

Wesley falls afoul of one of these punishment zones because of course he does. His crime? Failing to take a massive hint from a young lady in orgy clothes. Either that or its his outfit. He looks so ridiculous in contrast to the Edo wearing that baggy sweater and what definitely aren't corduroy pants that I can't help but think of the Fonz water skiing in his leather jacket.

Despite how dorky he looks and how awkward he sounds, Wesley still manages to impress the hot young thot by doing cartwheels. She takes him aside, holds him by the hands, and ask him to teach her how to play a game. And in the crime of the century, he tries to get her to play baseball instead of dock the shuttle. Wesley's failure is so egregious that I think his mentors on board the Enterprise should be punished as well.

In orbit we have yet another all powerful non-corporeal race observing the humans with measured curiosity. Let's just hope they don't judge us all by the failures of the Enterprise and her crew.

Verdict: Skip.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Lonely Among Us (1987) Season 1, Episode 6

The Anticans did nothing wrong

[3/10 · 7 February 2021]

An energy life form stows away in the bodies of various crew members until merging with Picard and beaming out into space. Sherlock Data is on the case though so there isn't anything to worry about. Crusher wears an iHat to help with her medical diagnosis and Wesley gets too much screen time yet again. The writers even manage to throw in more Ferengi fear mongering.

We are six episodes in and we've already met three separate chief engineers. No telling what happened to McDoogle or the other guy, but Mr. Sing gets BTFO'd by the stowaway energy. After the stowaway beams Picard out into space, Picard manages to return to corporeal form via the Enterprise computer. The transporter is a truly remarkable piece of plot contrivance I mean technology.

On an unrelated note, some bipedal wolf-cat people are on board with their arch enemies the bipedal snake-man people. The only real take away from this subplot is that the federation is Vegan and that neither Riker nor Picard can be bothered with trivialities like diplomats cooking and eating one another. In their defense, Selay steaks are godd*mn delicious.

This episode is one of several reasons why Season 1 has the reputation that it does. The writers don't know what they want the show to be. The A plot is supposedly drama, and the B plot is supposedly comedy. But the A plot isn't tense, and the B plot isn't funny.

Verdict: Swing and a miss.

Fun Facts:

Chief Obrien is now in a gold uniform and he's lost his rank.

Heading 925 mark 37 instructs the helms men to complete two full circles before plotting his course. The format for heading is (Horizontal rotation) mark (vertical rotation). Its in the technical manual but you can google it.

P is for Picard.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Where No One Has Gone Before (1987) Season 1, Episode 5

The episode is great but more importantly I've figured out why we all hate Wesley

[8/10 · 7 February 2021]

This is one of the better season 1 episodes. Wesley has a nice new orange sweater and what look like corduroy pants but not quite. Turns out Wesley is a warp field Mozart with an intuitive grasp of the interrelated nature of space, time, and thought. A hidden relationship between thought and the material world is a recurring theme in Star Trek that I rather like.

It's also hard not to compare and contrast the The Traveler with Q as they are both member's of species that live unconstrained by time. Portal and Nagilum also come to mind as it seems season 1 is all about humanity being tested and examined by beings with greater knowledge and power.

I think I am beginning to understand what's going on with Wesley. As a character, he is given more attention than the main cast we come to know and love by the end of the show. Why? Brace yourself for some grade A armchair psychology:

Wesley is Gene Roddenberry romanticizing a childhood he wished he himself had had. Roddenberry projected his idealized version of the future onto the world through Star Trek, and an idealized version of his childhood through Wesley. He gives Wesley the extra attention he wished he would have gotten as a boy, and we hate Wesley because we know he doesn't deserve the attention that he gets. He hasn't earned it. He's the kid who got the blue ribbon because he tried hard and the adults felt sorry for him, not because he was actually any good. We are repeatedly told he is wonderful and special, but we hate him because it never feels true.

Wesley might have worked as a character if he had been fleshed out over the course of the entire season. Seeing him earn the commission of acting ensign might have been satisfying if it took place in episode 26, perhaps after some act of valor. Instead, he's got it by episode 5 after looking over an alien's shoulder, and it just feels forced.

Verdict: Watchable and memorable, but irksome.

Fun Facts:

The Hubble can see well over ten billion light years, nine times further than Picard's estimate of the distance the Enterprise traveled in this episode.

The distance to M33 is accurately stated according to the internet.

If it takes 300 years to travel the 2.7 million light years we can approximate maximum warp to a little bit more than one light year per hour. 2,700,000 div 300 year gives 9000 light years per year. Div 365 gives 24.65 ligh years per day. Div 24 gives 1.027 light years per hour. WooWee!

Subspace radio speed can be calculated in a similar manner. 2,700,000 div 52 years (10 months and 9 weeks, really Data!?) is 5.92 light years per hour.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Last Outpost (1987) Season 1, Episode 4

A poorly crafted piece of anti-Ferengi propaganda

[1/10 · 6 February 2021]

9:19 on Netflix, thank me later. WooWee!

Picard demands the return of stolen property before attempting to run away. Since he can't run away he remains true to his French roots and surrenders. WooWee!

Plot twist: the Ferengi want to surrender instead. WooWee!

Double plot twist: both Human's and Ferengi are snared by a third force emanating from the planet. WooWee!

Data gets his fingers stuck during a briefing. What seems like an on set joke becomes part of the plot. WooWee!

33:41 short lived Ferengi whip erection. WooWee!

The conversation between Riker and Portal at the end of the episode gives away the game. As a kid I was enthralled by Riker's answer to Portal's riddle and his fearlessness in the face of danger. As an adult, I understand what the writers are using him to say about all us "Yankee Traders". The noble Star Fleet progressives who work to better themselves and humanity must convert the evil Ferengi capitalists who work for money like the rest of us. The Ferengi are portrayed as sniveling and duplicitous trolls who need to adopt federation values in order to become less dangerous to the galaxy. I'll consider this the opening salvo in the Federation's culture war against my people.

Verdict: Nothing to write home about

Fun Fact: Worf denials number 2 AND 3 take place in this episode.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Encounter at Farpoint (1987) Season 1, Episode 1

Acceptable Set-Up For a Phenomenal Show

[7/10 · 5 February 2021]

I remember seeing this episode as a kid in what must have been the late 80s or early 90s as TNG first entered syndication. I can't possibly have seen the premier as I was only four years old in September of 1987. Or perhaps I did see the premier and that red net thrown up by Q in the opening minutes is among my first memories. Time blends the past together.

Whatever the case, as an adult re-watching some thirty years later the roots of what the show would become are clearly present: The relationships between Picard and Q, Picard and Riker, Troi and Riker (hitherto refered to as "Emzati"), Crusher and Picard, Picard and children, and Data and humanity are all well established.

It is also clear that the writers don't yet know what to do with Geordi or Worf. Geordi's is the blind guy with a visor that lets him see better than data. Worf is the Klingon. Tasha makes more of an impression, but she is also left to be figured out in later episodes.

Much is made of boy wonder Wesley Crusher but I can't see past his sweater. And the scene with him and Picard on the bridge just doesn't work. I am not sure what the writers were going for as Picard treats Wesley with a combination of fascination and disgust that is hard to stomach. Thankfully their dynamic is smoothed out in later seasons.

The Ferengi are set up as potential villains though we all know what they actually become to the Star Trek universe.

The trial scene really makes me want for more in universe back story. What exactly happened between 2036 and 2079? How long did the "post atomic horror last" and how wide spread was it? How does Dr. Cochrane's development of warp drive and the first contact with Vulcans in 2063 fit into this narrative? Post-hoc and Ad-hoc explanations would probably make for an interesting sci-fi series all its own.

In the holodeck scene Data explains that much of the "hollow" imagery is actually real, thus Wesley can remain soaking wet as he leaves the holodeck. This is satisfying to me as it makes clear that holodeck technology is as much a replicator as it is a hologram projector. It also dove tails well with the main plot about giant space jelly fish that have evolved the ability to convert matter and energy in the same way.

There is a lot to criticize here and plenty to of places to poke fun:

• 51 minutes that passes in 51 seconds as Emzati watches the parts of the episode he missed
• Picard's inability to chose between phasors and photon torpedos when it comes time to fight
• the rotating cast of extras at the tactical station
• The saucer section's speed after mid warp separation
• The emotional roller coaster Emzati orders Troi to endure
• The first of many "Worf denials"
• And of course Wesley Crusher's aforementioned sweater

But I can't bring myself to make those things the focus of this review. Its impossible not to appreciate the roots of what I know this show will become.

Verdict: Essential viewing to understanding the long arc of the series and its central characters.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Chrysalis (1998) Season 7, Episode 5

Bashier falls for a cataleptic, strikes out.

[5/10 · 8 March 2019]

Should Basheir fall for a patient that just awoke from a cataleptic state? Of course not. That's a stupid question!

The actress that plays Serena is absolutely wonderful and her actions through out this episode make sense. Basheir on the other hand comes across like a grown man that's fallen for a teenage girl.

The sequence at the 16 minute mark is touching, but its the only part of this episode that's memorable. Its all down hill from 19 minutes on with the disgust really picking up right around 30 minutes in. By the time we get to the 40 minute mark I am ready to throw things at the screen. At least the episode is self conscious about the whole affair, but that doesn't make the icky feelings go away.

Everyone of the five stars I give this episode go to Sarena. Admiral Patrick and the mutants get an honorable mention. The rest is garbage.

Verdict: Predictable and grown inducing.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Take Me out to the Holosuite (1998) Season 7, Episode 4

For a filler episdode its a lot of fun

[8/10 · 8 March 2019]

In this episode we take a break from the war for a game of baseball against some Vulcan's. Let's have a meeting about the game.

Worf Zinger #1: "We will destroy them."

And now we will take a moment to watch the crew learn the rules and say silly things. Oh look, Rom and Lita want to play, but Quark is being a party pooper.

Okay! Time for practice! We've got a very different side of Sisko here. He's all business, but in a fun way. Looks like we've got a lot of work to do.

Reluctant Umpire Odo is reluctant. Ouch everyone is hurt. Sisko is still excited though so he recruits his girl friend. Hey hey! Things are looking much better. Except for Rom, he's having struggles.

Frustrated Sisko is frustrated. Rebellion is fomenting. Scotch infused gum is Scotch infused. And now we get the story behind Sisko's rivalry with Solak. Its pretty funny. Sisko makes Cassidy promise not to tell the rest of the team. She promises. Cut to Cassidy telling the team.

Oh good! That game is starting! Let's hear some chatter 9ers!

Worf Zinger #2: "Death to the opposition!"

Fhew, this game is tense. The Vulcan's are playing to win today, that's for sure. Odo is killing it as an umpire. Hotheaded Sisko just got thrown out leaving O'Brien to take the reigns. Lita pulls a Fancy Dan! What a game!

Quark fields, throws to Worf at first! Worf throws home! He didn't touch the plate! Unbelievable!! Nog doesn't know what to do! I've never seen anything like this before!

Worf Zinger #3: "Find him and kill him!"

He's out!

New inning. Nog's on third, the 9ers could score! What's this, Rom is pinch hitting for Jake?! Unbelievable! Are you inspired? I'm inspired! He's got the crowd on his side that's for sure, let's see if he can deliver. Ouch, two strikes. The team wants him to bunt but he doesn't seem to understand. Its a hit! Nog might make it home! Vulcan scoops it up! Nog slides! Safe! The 9ers brought home a run! He did it! Rom did it! And now Solak is getting ejected for contact with the ump! What a game! What a game!

The team throws a party to celebrate their victory. Emotional Vulcan's are emotional. Nice fade out at the end.

As filler goes this is as good as it gets. I wish the producers of Discovery would watch this one. Star Trek used to be fun. The writers were confident enough in their characters to not take themselves seriously all of the time. I miss that.

Verdict: Death to the opposition!

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges (1999) Season 7, Episode 16

Our first and only trip to Romulus

[7/10 · 7 March 2019]

Julian keeps a phaser in his quarters. Admiral Ross can't handle his Romulan Ale. Agent Sloan of Section 31 is also an entomologist named Wendell Greer who works in the UFP's department of cartography. Fancy uniforms are fancy. Creepy Romulans are creepy. There is an interrogation room not far from the Romulan meeting hall. Flashing lights can't scan genetically engineered brains. Plot twist, Sloan is neither a Section 31 agent nor a cartographer. Romulan guards need to keep a better hold on their side arms. Plot twist, Sloan dead. Plot twist, no he's not. The conversation between Ross and Bashier at the end is the best part of this episode. In time of war, the law falls silent. Julian has a com panel on his night stand.

This episode is pretty good. Bashier gets thoroughly played by Sloan and Ross who effectively use his moral nature to further their own amoral agenda. The final scene in Ross' offices recaptures the vibe of "In the Pale Moonlight" but the half hour leading there isn't all that memorable. More than anything this episode makes me wish we got more episodes that involved the Romulan's and political intrigue. Instead we went to Vics and saw Quark get a sex change.

Verdict: Worth it for the final scene in Ross' office.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang (1999) Season 7, Episode 15

Ocean's Deep Space 9

[5/10 · 7 March 2019]

There is a dystopian future awaiting us where everyone feels they owe computer programs a debt of gratitude. A future where we think of computer programs as friends instead of applications.

I still can't figure out how these holodecks work. While Miles and Julian are tending to Vics wounds in his suite, where do they go when Kira and Odo enter the Casino? Do they wait outside in Quarks? Are they kept in some sort of transporter suspended animation? Is the holodeck actually that big? Or that good at creating multiple illusions for multiple people in multiple places? While were on the subject, I'd also like to know how food and drink works on the holodeck. Is it replicated and real or just convincingly fake?

Sisko is a big fat stick in the mud in the this episode. The writers already tackled racism in Far Beyond The Stars. Why they feel the need to give it a second go here is beyond me. While Benny Russell was poignant, Sisko feels preachy here. Why he changes his mind and joins the fun is never made clear.

While Felix may have failed to accurately capture the racism of the period, he sure got the misogyny right. The heist sequence is sufficiently entertaining, but honestly, while O'brien is getting stripped searched and the rest of the gang is finishing the caper, who is where? Ah, well, don't think about it too hard just listen to Sisko sing a song with Vic.

Verdict: Forgettable filler