JesperT Reviews

Buddha Heads (2002)

Yep, it is as awful as it sounds.

[1/10 · 6 February 2005]

I have nothing positive to say about this movie, even if I only watched about half of it - not that I left during the movie, but I simply keep my concentration so I had to switch channels.

And every time I switched back rating dropped another point (and as I always start at 5 it didn't take long to reach my final vote of 1).

The acting is awful - I mean seriously awful - the plot about Asian gangs in LA is so obvious it almost hurts, but even that is nothing compared to the the dialog - well, and the title as well obviously.

In the father vs. son climax at the end of the movie, the son (the "hero") says: "Oh, so is that all me and my homies mean to you - it is just business?"

I mean come on! That's would even have sounded bad in an eighties break dance movie.

All in all, I would recommend that you do not find out if I am right. It is simply not worth it. At the time when I voted only 7 others had voted for this movie. I will be eighth - let's leave it that.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Charlie's Spiderwomen?

[1/10 · 25 October 2004]

What a waste of time. The first "Charlie's Angels" movie was not my cup of tea, but I actually liked the series. But let us not forget that this was a time when "Loveboat" and "Family Ties" were considered high-speed entertainment...

"Full Throttle" is not even at their level when it comes to the jokes, and far below them when it comes to acting.

I never liked Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu as actresses, and Drew Barrymore has always annoyed me. I only ever liked her in "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" where she surprised me positively - but with focus on stunts and a ridiculous plot (if there is one at all) she does not get a chance to show that she can actually act. In "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" she actually plays opposite Sam Rockwell who also has a major role in the first Charlie's Angels.

The "women kick serious behind" thing that apparently is part of the the concept is just plain pathetic.

Especially the ending scene where the 3 heroines fly around like 3 Spiderwomen chasing the flying Demi Moore is pityful, and is far away from the spirit of the TV series, which I think at least the first movie managed to capture somewhat better.

Maybe that was never the intention, but then again, I don't think it was ever the intention that I had to watch the movie. I wish I hadn't.

Only positive aspect: the soundtrack.

I give it...a 1. I was debating whether I should give it a 2 for the soundtrack + it is afterall still not the worst movie of all time. Nevertheless remains a complete waste of time and money and at the end of the day that is justification enough for me.

The Green Butchers (2003)

Bizarre and black comedy

[6/10 · 18 July 2004]

Living outside of Denmark I only got to see this on DVD, however, I doubt that has changed the experience as this is a movie built on the same dogma-like principles that have proved very successful over the last 5 years.

There is no hand-held camera or the like (as in the original dogma-films), but it is all very down-to-earth with focus on the actors, the dialogue and the story.

Unfortunately this story is nowhere near the level of some others (like "Festen"). It tries the same dark form of comedy as seen in "I Kina spiser de hunde" and "Blinkende Lygter", and it works reasonably well as a comedy.

As in "I Kina spiser de hunde" the entire story is built around some extreme characters doing some extreme stuff, and in neither case is it convincing. It is too far fetched and that makes the whole thing too boring, because it is not that amusing, just weird.

The actors do a terrific job and this is what raised my initial rating of 4-5 to a 6. Especially Nikolaj Lie Kaas is excellent in his double-role as the twin brothers Bjarne and Eigil.

Don't watch it for the story itself, but the actors' performances - and then there are some pretty good lines in there as well.

Troy (2004)

Gladiator meets The Two Towers

[5/10 · 15 July 2004]

The entire way through this movie I kept thinking about "Gladiator" and "Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers", but unfortunately only in the "why does this movie try to be like those two, and not reach their levels"-sense.

I wasn't too concerned about the historical inaccuracies, because it never claims to be a documentary - and the likes of Disney have been getting away with that sort of thing for years. The problem is, however, that the fight scenes take up most of the time and the focus - and are in my mind just as boring as the LoTR ones after the first 5 minutes.

Where LoTR, and especially Gladiator, stands out is in the dialogue and the portrail of the characters. Troy never reaches that level - and never aims to do either.

There are good performances by the likes of Peter O'Tool and Eric Bana (a frequently posing Brad Pitt is not among them), but we never dig deep enough into their characters, because it is all about big fight scenes.

The movie is still watchable, but do not expect a big epic picture at the level of the aforementioned ones.

I gave it a 5, because I definitely liked the horse when it finally arrived on the scene. It could have reached a 6 or 7 had it been 30-60 minutes shorter (maintaining the director's chosen focus area).

Widows (2002– )

Far from the original

[5/10 · 3 July 2004]

watched the original English version of Widows back in 1983 and thought it was exciting, so when this thing came on cable, I actually thought it was the original they were screening once again.

As it turned out it wasn't but I anyway sat through the thing feeling a little disappointed from the start.

The setting has changed from London to Boston, but otherwise the plot and the twists are the same, and it manages to keep a fairly good tempo (it is also a lot shorter than the original, which was 6 episodes of roughly 60 minutes).

Unfortunately the acting is nowhere near the original, which was one of the aspects that made it stand out - and justify the length, because you could get a feel for the main characters. This never happens in the American update, but it is still not half bad, primarily because of a decent story.

Conclusion: 5, but I prefer the original any day of the week.

Hard Cash (2002)

You get what you pay for

[2/10 · 2 July 2004]

...and for "Run for the Money" the definitely did not spend a lot on the car scenes, the plot, the script, the actors, the special effects and the jokes.

Well-known (to call them great would be an overstatement) actors and actresses such as Christian Slater, Darryl Hannah and Val Kilmer simply put in rubbish performances.

I had a couple of laughs, but only because the whole thing is hilariously poor - and just gets worse and worse as you go along.

I can't believe anyone ever wanted to finance this. A more appropriate title would have been "Run from the Money".

I give it a 2 - simply because I did laugh twice, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Pet Shop Boys: Pop Art - The Videos (2003 Video)

Love it

[10/10 · 29 April 2004]

One of my absolute favourite bands, so obviously I like their videos as well, being everything from camp, to humourous, weird and cool.

The definitely topped during the late 80s with tracks such as "It's A Sin", "Always On My Mind", "Heart" and "Rent" and have never been able to reach those heights ever since (perhaps with the exception of "Go West").

The DVD-menu/options are as expected - and the commentary part is hilarious, and it also seems as if Chris Lowe and Neil Tennant are enjoying themselves.

For me this is a 10/10, but I guess you have to like them from the start.

The Italian Job (2003)

Classic Heist-recipe

[8/10 · 26 April 2004]

Let me be honest: I enjoyed this movie right from the word go.

Why? Well basically because it takes the recipe for a classic heist movie and updates to suit a new millennium.

You have all the stereotypes in there, the nerd that break into every computer in the world, the explosives expert, the babe, the brains and of course the 'crook that can't be trusted' which in itself is a paradox.

You have a big loot, state of the art alarm systems, computers, guards, guard dogs, the police, Russians - and not least 3 tuned Mini Coopers.

All in all you have all the ingredients for a classic heist-movie.

The good thing about the movie is that it doesn't spend too much time 'assembling the squad' - that is taken care of before we enter the movie, so most of the focus is on the actual heists.

The acting is decent, but not overwhelming and the plot does offer some twist and turns, which makes it an enjoyable ride from start to finish.

It isn't better than the original - but then again it doesn't try to be either as it changes the premises by changing the plot - and it isn't better than Ocean's 11 either, where I think the acting is better.

It is still recommendable, and I have given it a 7 (out of 10 naturally - I follow the standard IMDb scale).

xXx (2002)

Really going downhill for Mr. Jackson

[2/10 · 26 April 2004]

In terms of movie-budget Vin Diesel may be moving upwards from the absolutely awful The Fast & The Furious to the just as awful xXx, but that is about as positive as I can be.

xXx's plot is pathetic, and it cannot match even the worst James Bond movies in terms of realism (and at least they can boast some level of originality). Since it isn't a James Bond spoof either then this just isn't worth spending the 2 hours on. There are no twists, turns or surprise twin brothers, only straight forward action with a lot of stunts, explosions, avalanches and bullets being fired that can hit everyone, except for Mr. Diesel.

Vin Diesel plays an extreme-sport fanatic that is signed up as a government agent, but adds little depth or emotion to the character. His best performance was definitely still as the voice of the Iron Giant :-)

Maybe it is intentional, but then the directing leaves much to be desired, and judging from Samuel Jackson's performance then this may actually be the case. I always considered him a good actor, but I am drastically reviewing my opinion.

Gone are the days of Pulp Fiction and 182 and there seems to be only lame big-budget action flicks left for him (and yes, I would say that Star Wars 1 & 2 fall under that category as well). It has really started to go downhill for him.

Overall I give this a 2. It's still not the worst movie of all time, but I'm just getting too old for this.

S.W.A.T. (2003)

Next stop Scary Movie 4 for Mr. Jackson

[5/10 · 26 April 2004]

What has happened to Samual Jackson? Has he stopped recieving good movie offers?

After xXx I thought he had reached rock bottom but I was wrong.

Not that S.W.A.T. is worse than xXx (thank God). It is a straight forward, boring S.W.A.T. team-action movie, without any interesting twists to the plot. The one that does come is so obvious that it just makes it that more pathetic.

Colin Farrell does what he does, and you can't expect more than that, but from the likes of Josh Charles (my hopes are always high after he did extremely well in Dead Poets Society) and Samuel Jackson you can expect more. Not just in terms of acting, but also in terms of the quality of the movie they appear in.

I fear that the next stop for Mr. Jackson will be Scary Movie 4 - and then you can't dig further than that.

I rate it 3 out of 10 (on the standard 10-scale). It could have got a 4, if Colin Farrell had proven that he could sing (he was apparently rejected by Westlife...) - but that would still not make it a good movie.

The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

Underrated master piece

[9/10 · 26 April 2004]

This is honestly one of the best animated movies of all time, and might as well admit that I gave it a 10 - i.e. way above the 7.3 average it currently ranks at.

I have seen it multiple times on DVD, and loved it every time. The animation style is not typical Disney (perhaps closest to the boring Pocahonta), but it suits the Aztec-theme.

The pace and the humour is tremendous and the characters are hilarious, especially the self centred Emperor Kuzco and the evil Yzma's sidekick, Kronk.

Kids may enjoy it because of the tempo and the action scenes, but I would say that this is a movie aimed at adults, with several absolutely perfect scenes such as "the one at the no-llama diner", the grand finale and not least the "tied to the log scene":

Pacha: Uh oh.

Kuzco: Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha: Yep.

Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Most likely.

Kuzco: Bring it on.

It does not come much better than this.

Bad Company (2002)

Just plain bad

[3/10 · 19 April 2004]

I watched this movie on cable, and the title almost gets it spot on: Bad.

The two main actors, Rock and Hopkins, were disappointing.

Chris Rock has a few memorable lines, but they don't seem to fit the bill, and Anthony Hopkins was just plain bad. He doesn't seem to be enjoying himself either.

The plot was straight forward, uninteresting and 'supported' by poor dialog. Only the locations were well picked - although not for their 'part' in the movie, but simply because they were beautiful.

All in all I give it a 3 in rating (and yes, I use the IMDb scale - why people would want to invent their own is beyond me).

15 Minutes (2001)

Below Par

[4/10 · 8 August 2003]

This could have been a clever little movie if it lived up to its title and only lasted 15 minutes. Unfortunately that is not the case.

The plot is a mix of the awful Hoffmann/Travolta "Mad City", Ben Elton's book "Popcorn" and the 1976 classic "Network". It focuses on two Eastern Europeans' violent crimes that earn them more than their 15 minutes of fame. The crimes are committed and video taped thinking they will get away due to momentary insanity.

The dialogue is not convincing, and the performances are not up to scratch, including Mr. De Niro - although he does shine in some of the quieter scenes.

The script/plot is very straight forward once the ground rules have been laid down, but to its credit it does contain one twist that I did not see coming...but obviously that one can't be revealed.

In short: Better than "Mad City", not even close to "Network" and definitely not worth watching if you've read "Popcorn".

The Wonderful World of Disney: Ladies and the Champ (2001) Season 4, Episode 10

Typical Disney

[4/10 · 16 July 2003]

This is a typical Disney movie. It's a comedy, it's short (1h20) and you know who the good guys and the bad guys are - it's straight forward clean, family entertainment (think "Herbie" and more lately "The Princess Diaries").

The acting and jokes are reasonable but the plot less than convincing and can best be characterised as a non-drama version of Rocky (which the movie does not try to deny with obvious references throughout - especially the soundtrack).

Did I manage to watch it without zapping? Definitely not, but since there was nothing else on I basically sat through the whole thing.

The Divine Enforcer (1992 Video)

Substandard - Even for 1991

[1/10 · 13 July 2003]

Watching movies from 10-15 years ago always make them seem 'a bit slow' compared to contemporary movies - and this is definitely no exception.

It somehow reminds me "The Father Dowling Mysteries" with Tom Bosley from "Happy Days" as the plot could be taken directly out of a tv show: A new priest in LA has to stop a 'vampire-killer' on the loose (you'd almost think it was a spoof). In fact it would have done better as an episode of some low rated tv-crime series, because as a full length movie it just doesn't cut it.

The story is even supported by an awful soundtrack based on 1970s synthesizer sounds - but this is nothing compared to the acting which is close to appaling.

Erik Estrada is so bad that a polar bear only wearing a pair of sunglasses trying to get in to a 'penguins only'-golf club would be more convincing. Even 'easy' lines such as "What has this world come to" are recited with no feeling.

Kim Chambers is another 'great actress' from blockbuster hits such as "Karate Cop", and she puts in a similar great performance in this one...

The only positive aspect is that it was not Erik Estrada but Jim Brown doing the martial arts as I had feared after reading the movie info on cable.

In short: do not waste your time on this one. It belongs back in 1991 - and even back then I would have been disappointed.

Screen Two: Common Pursuit (1992) Season 8, Episode 8

British at its best

[8/10 · 8 June 2003]

I have to say that I enjoyed this one. I didn't expect much as it was one of those movies you stumble upon when zapping through the channels.

It was made for TV and that suits it just fine, with a style that resembles the contemporary British TV-dram, e.g. "Inspector Morse" (which is based around Oxford) and "A Touch of Frost".

The plot contains some neat twists here and there, but what makes it stand out from the crowd is the acting. Basically the entire cast does a terrific job, and even Andrew McCarthy (best known for "Weekend at Bernie's", I guess) is good.

However, Stephen Fry has to be singled out, as this is a far cry from the comedies he is known for - and he pulls it off effortlessly (a comment you will better understand after the movie).

Buried Treasure (2001 TV Movie)

Not half bad

[7/10 · 24 May 2002]

I must admit that I enjoyed this movie, but then again I have always been a fan of John Thaw.

The plot is fairly straight forward and includes all the usual 'good cop, bad cop' conflicts required: old man, 7 year old daughter; white man, black (almost) son-in-law etc.

The outcome is predictable, but the acting is quiet frankly superb - and not just John Thaw. So if it does show on a TV screen near you, I recommend spending a couple of hours in John Thaw's company.

Beyond Fear (1997 TV Movie)

Reasonable, but far from captivating real life drama

[4/10 · 24 February 2002]

In 1992 Stephanie Slater was kidnapped, raped, and held for ransom by Michael Sams, who imprisoned her in a coffin-like box for eight days. "Beyond fear" is the TV version of this real life drama.

The movie focuses on how Stephanie (played well by Gina McKee) and her family tackle the problems of returning to 'normal' life after her kidnapping.

The kidnapping itself, which offhand seems like the most ideal part for a drama, only takes up a small amount of the movie, and is dealt with in flashbacks. This also limits the suspense element as we know that Stephanie will be set free by her kidnapper. This may be obvious to most of the British viewers, but not for the rest of the world.

Based on the information Stephanie is able to give to the police, they fairly quickly capture the kidnapper, and the rest of the movie deals with the trial and the problems she faces with respect to how she should 'relive' the 8 days in front of the jury and the kidnapper.

The kidnapper quickly confesses to the kidnapping of Stephanie but refuses to be linked to another kidnaping/murder some years earlier. Despite another obvious drama the focus of the movie shifts back to the personal problems of Stephanie, which simply fail to capture my attention despite the heroic efforts of most of the actors (the police-men excluded).

The real version of this story is undoubtedly far more cruel than what you have seen in many other movies, but it simply does not transform well onto the screen - not because of the story, but because the focus is too much on how people deal with a kidnapping and/or rape. Other movies have handled this issue far better. The main reason for not calling this movie a complete waste of time is the performances of the actors - especially Sylvester McCoy.

Danes Without a Clue (1997)

The worst (Danish) movie of all time

[1/10 · 3 October 2001]

This is without a doubt the worst Danish movie I have ever seen. Even the two main actors, Timm Vladimir and Gordon Kenedy did not attend the opening of the movie as they disliked the result - and only 4000 people saw it in the theatres.

The movie was initiated without the screen play being completed, and the result is not surprisingly a movie with no plot, based around the two "superstars", Jim and Morten. During the entire movie they run around like headless chickens with no purpose in life except to annoy the viewer. They are supported by a line of other (just as annoying) characters, who likewise serve no purpose.

The movie has won several "worst movie of the year" awards in Denmark, and it will be in strong contention for "worst movie of the first 100 years' of movie making".

I had to wait for the ending credits for my first and only (short) "laugh", and it is not even remotely funny in a cult-sort of way.

Some find "Naked Gun" funny, others prefer "Monthy Python", however, I have not come across one person who had anything positive to say about this movie - and it is not worth checking if I am right. Those 1 hour and 19 minutes of your life will be gone forever.