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jscottlyon
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The Great Escaper (2023)
A beautiful trip through real peoples lives
I cried buckets, it's quite simply thee most moving, poignant, honest, human film ever. A perfect partnership in Glenda and Michael, who made this not just a film, but more an actual real life viewing! Michael Caine is astonishingly real in his portrayal of the frail yet strong war veteran. Whilst Glenda Jackson plays his wife with an equally beautiful, delicate and fragile pose. The film is a very dignified production, of what was an horrific ordeal. The flashbacks of the characters history, is perfectly done. We don't need blood n guts to be part of their feelings and this made the film even more real.
I loved every moment, the scenes in france were especially good, as the veterans met both friends,,,and foes. Done with a delicate, gentle subtle touch, i can only pray that directors use these examples of "less is more" rather than BOOOOOOOOM !!
This was Miss Jacksons last film before passing away. I'd like us all to thank her for leaving us with such a beautiful gift.
Hypnotic (2023)
This is what happens when you don't go out to play!
Basically this film has absolutely no imagination! So my title relates to the millennials that have sat playing computer games, or glued to video channels. This is thee perfect example of a smashed together version of Inception, RED, Matrix, a smidge of Star Wars "these are not the droids" at the border crossing and dare i say a homage to the Butlins red coats! The film script isn't really that bad, but its just not good enough to be yummy ! Some parts were so thinly veiled i could see through it, to the props guys/lighting crew in the background. Ben Awefulleck retains his sore throat from Batman (why??, did he do this film at the same time??), and then finds a cough mixture for a single scene, only to loose the bottle immediately after. The storyboard of scenes i'm sure must have made sense at one time, but its obvious it was dropped during a location move, and the hairdresser or whoever found it, did a terrible job arranging the scenes again. The end is the usual "aha thats why,," sum up of the plot. But as the plot is so thin, i suggest you watch the end first, as it'll make absolutely no difference to your enjoyment of this film. You will enjoy the film,,,I'VE MADE YOU ENJOY IT ALREADY! ". Hmmm,,,this film should be shown as an example of todays,,,laziness,,in both rewrites and so called new films. All you really needed to do was go sweep up the cuttings from the various film editors room, and glued 90 minutes together,,voila !!! Another load of dross !!
Paint (2023)
A complete waste of life, energy and time
I write this review,,i watched about 20 mins, because the last review i did on it, got booted off,, for no specific reason
So i'm asking,,what was the reason to make this ?
I heard that the screen writers of Hollywood had gone on strike, Was it before or after this was written?
Was it because some inept photocopier salesman had just been sacked and decided to write it? Or is this just the end of the line for entertaining movies.
The dirge in remakes is bad enough, but who in their right mind thought, the subject matter could EVER MAKE A WATCHABLE FILM?
Even thinking about this,,,,,,,i actually want to poke my eyes out !! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH,,i now remember this being on daytime tv,,,,his voice was so putrid and sick,,,diseases evolved from listening to this !!!
It's not in homage to the original tv series, its not a documentary, its just,,,,,,nothing !!
I can only assume this was either a bet, or Owen Wilson was tied into a multi movie deal.
Please for the sake of your own sanity, avoid this at all cost !
A Man Called Otto (2022)
A beautiful movie in a horrible world
Mr Hanks is quite probably thee greatest actor of our age. WOW,,,what a start to a review,,,and i had to write this because whatever the film, he just makes it so good to watch. As a fellow grumpy ole man, he's the double of life's character. He's alone, likes being alone,but in all honesty,,,he loves to be around and loves,,,to be loved. Hanks has this genetic ability, to become the essence of the written script. And he does this so consistently, some may say its predictable. But lets be honest,,the world is a really nasty place just now,,,,so whats wrong with a good movie that makes you cry with utter joy, at seeing a lovely person helping out his fellow man?
I stopped BEING GRUMPY,,and cried buckets. I actually love helping people too,,,even if some of them don't deserve it.
Hanks has this character transform from a grief riddled "don't want to be here", to the saviour of the community he lives in. And yeh, as per normal, he's got the emotional side kicks, but it's that synergy,,,that just works so well.
And in these days of drowning in doom wherever we turn, this lifeboat of love and humanity is something we should all grab hold onto.
I defy ANYONE WITH A HEART, not to weep with sadness,joy,,and a little bit of "yeh,,,im a grumpy man/woman" moment.
Its simply,,,,beautiful !
The Misfits (2021)
GOLD?, it's fake tin and pig iron!
You see,, this is why I say YOUNGSTERS NEED A PROPER APPRENTICESHIP!
This is such a cut n paste of more meatier, successful heist films,,,it's like the vegan version. Ok it's called an action film but it just isn't! There's a pretence of an ingredient to fill your visual tummy with yum yum safe crackers and an amuse bouche of improbable esca(lo)pe (see what. I did there?). But because like all veggie pseudo meat named hors d'ouvres , this isn't the real deal. The action is so limp and predictable, you'd need a serious doze of viagra for it to stand up against a soupcon of Ocean 8!
At best this is hash(ed up) brown, a messy mix fried till flat and lifeless!
And having an ex 007, doesn't mean it'll "fly another day" to the Oscar's, it's one of those things you'll watch,,,after a bucket load of booze and a proper double kebab on a Saturday morning 3am after too many energy drink shots make you wide awake and willing to eat whatever falls onto your shirt, as you lie drunk & paralysed on the floor watching this dvd!
After which,,,,,you will vomit,,,,it's inevitable!!!
Moonfall (2022)
HOPEFULLY,,"It's The End of Film Making As We Know It"
Words fail me,,,,this has jumped up to possibly number two in my "Worse Films Ever Watched",,,just behind the legendary awful "The Krull". I've never in my life seen such a blatantly obvious "oh for gods sake just throw some **** together from other great films,,,surely it'll work?",,,,and it just doesn't !! You could honestly get more surprises,,, from looking at the ingredients of plain flour, than watching this,,,,i can't call it a film,,i simple won't!
The crashing together of at least 4 or 5 other sci fi themes (plus a car chase movie part or two), starts off at Armageddon,,,and ends with,,,???,,god knows,,,i didn't make it !
This is yet another example of where film stars, who did well in previous sci fi ventures, forgot to look at the small print in their contracts,,"we reserve the right to screw you and the public over, by legally tying you into a second film, which we already know is a dog, but hopefully your name will draw in the mugs".
Please do yourself a favour,,,,buy second hand dvds of ALL the space disaster films,,, it'll be cheaper, more entertaining,,and the enjoyment of your short time on the planet won't be wasted watching this drivel. Moonfall should fall to the bottom of the dvd bargain bin,,,,and stay there!!!
Voyagers (2021)
I'd stay on Earth if this was the saviour of the world
In a nutshell,,it just trudges on and on for the sake of getting to the end of the script. Theres very little suspense, not one single surprise in the plot and i can only surmise Colin Farell must have been contractually obliged. The premise of the film WAS a good idea, but it was so poorly scripted and predictable, i kinda guessed the plot line before the babies took off. The "crew" started in silence, which was probably bad sign. I mean think about it, you've got a ship full of genetically modified geniuses, that don't interact with each other, then stop taking The Matrix ripped off "blue juice",suddenly get horny and say "we're ok, to hell with the rest of mankind" yeh,,thats the perfect attitude of a genius. Didn't Einstein say "to hell with relativity, i'm alright" ?
A few other reviews mentioned Lord of the Flies, i'm afraid i'd put it in with the likes of The Krull and Snakes on a Plane,,,,as in "what was the point in getting out of bed to make this?
Nope sorry,,i gave it a three because i liked the ship, even thought it has dodgy airlock doors the wrong way round, didn't have to be a genius to see that one.
Cobra Kai (2018)
Vomit Inducing Cheesefest
Like everything from america, a little morsel is enough to realise they just can't do quality and quantity. The first film was great fun, typical hero from zero format. Second and third, diluted the fun to "lets get as much money outta the viewers". This latest 500lbs of cheese, is why the environment is in need of help. EVERYTHING USED IN ITS PRODUCTION IS A WASTE OF ENERGY. I cannot put into words why watching this, is enough justification to poke your eyes out. Its cliche police dream of a "guilty of no taste" verdict in the court of visible decency. Tired story, tired actors, cut n paste "day one of how to make a series episode" from the DUMB & DUMBER SCHOOL OF NON QUALITY HIGH PROFIT film makers, this is without doubt thee worst thing ever,,,on the planet!!! It makes Trump and Covid your favourite things to invite to a birthing room! It should be charged with "illegal use of anything sourced on the planet" I'm going to go soak my head in caustic acid just to get rid of any memories !!!
Finch (2021)
Beauty in an ugly world
It's not complicated, take a horrible situation, add some adorable characters, a pinch of morality and let it grow in your heart for 105 minutes. With the addition of Tom Hanks, this film brings a moment of beauty ( and I'll admit a few tears) into our present horrible world. Mr Hanks is by far, an actor who can get emotions flowing from a stone, his skill is undeniable! He gets a little help with his canine co star and a mechanical companion, both add comic relief and a prescription of honest feel goodness to a post apocalyptic world. I loved it, pure emotional cuddles! Much needed in our genuine desolate planet!
Get Out (2017)
I so wanted to love it,,,however,,,,,,,,,,
I'm gonna start this review,,,at the ending. It just completely ran out of,,EVERYTHING !! Did the writer leave the set? Did the director fall of his chair and knock himself out? Did the actors realise,,,this was just not as good as the scripts first few chapters looked? Or did they all just run out of steam? It started out ok, scenes were,,,err, predictably boy and girl mixed race discussing meeting white girls maum n paw, then for some inexplicable reason, the lead character is slowly deleted from the script dialogue, only to become a mute, face grimacing, possible murderer from a previous issue (no idea really,,watch the film and you decide?). The horror aspect is,,,err,,horrifically underplayed/missing all together, as is ultimately the spice of this rather bland chilli/non chilli meal. It should have been "oh my god, did you see the,,," conversation you'd have after a good horror. Instead its "Err, did i miss something?' I actually had to watch the last 25 minutes again,,,and nope,,,didnt miss anything, unlike the movie which only scared me into thinking,,,,has someone removed my brain?
The Suicide Squad (2021)
Thank god for global warming! Burn baby burn!!!
If this is the standard of films to be made from now onwards, i welcome the tsunamis, droughts and searing heatwaves that will scorch this earth. It also appears that the education system has failed too! Evident by by these reviews!
This is a cliche film, its a smashed together of every spoof film made since the term spoof was exhaled from the stoner mouth of a Hollywood E- screen writer! I lasted 32 mins of shear agony, knowing within the first 5, i'd never make it. This isn't a film, its a suicide note for the sane amongst the lunatics that actually prefer regurgitated tofu, to pure Aberdeen Angus Steak. I've had to get a friend to type this for me, as i've gouged out my eyes with an 18th century solid gold spoon, rather than suffer anymore sequel/remake/rehash of films that shouldn't have been made at all!
The storyline,,,,just isn't worth speaking about, its irrelevant !
The acting,,,,just isn't worth speaking about,,,its also irrelevant !
Will Smith was brilliant,,,,at running A THOUSAND MILES FROM THIS ONE!
The special effects guys are obviously mentally scarred, as does the rest of the process team, they all need some serious electro shock therapy!
If you like this visual event, you too need to go stick your finger in the nearest socket, cause your obviously wasting time on the planet !
It's no use, i cant take this anymore, goodbye cruel world, i'm leaving you today, goodbye, goodbye,,,goodbye!
Shadow in the Cloud (2020)
I'm emotionally confused????
Ok, I've been watching films all over the world (as in I've been just about everywhere), for decades. And up to this day, I'd convinced myself the worst, most pointless, incompetent story line, waste of 90 life minutes was "The Krull"! Well I stand/ sit pondering life now, as that award has to go to this film!!!
It's preposterously thee most unbelievable piece of anti environmentally friendly composition of electricity, manufacturing of everything to make the film with, actors who should never have been born AT ALL, therefore negating this timeline, and the possibility of it ever being made!!!!
And yet,,,,,,you just have to watch it till the end, if for nothing more than to say "WHAT THE **** WAS THAT ABOUT?"
If I stood at the door to every cinema on the planet and said "don't watch this film", you'd either ignore me, punch me, or go "cheers mate", turn round and walk back for a refund! But I'm betting 99% of you will watch it. You'll watch it all, desperately trying to get out of you seat/ switch off the remote,,,,,but it's sooooo unbelievable, your looking for the "Dusk till Dawn" moment when it goes beyond making sense, to just good action fun. IT NEVER DOES!!!! BUT YOUR GONNA HAVE TO WATCH IT JUST TO PROOF IM NOT INSANE!
Oh god,,,,I need a drink !!!!
Black Widow (2021)
OH DIRE, OH DIRE, OH DIRE
Which is kinda wrong because the films isn't all bad. The action is,,,,well,,its cut n paste from all the other cut n paste Marvel superhero films. But its the storyline, puns, one liners, obscure casting thats just so,,,dire! Ok the storyline starts off quite logically for a "Marvel sidestep and pick up on another character development/ milk the franchise even more" plot. There's the predictability of good against bad. But somewhere in this Covid dictated film, i'm reckoning, the original actors couldn't make it, nor the director, nor the screen writer, because you can actually see where the producer went "oh hell,,,phone up whats his face, he'll do it" as the film goes spiralling into someone else's dream reality! The one liners !!,,,oh my god if Tony Stark was a real person,,,and he wasn't dead (or is he?),,he'd be sueing the film makers for copy write on his character trait! Ray Winstons russian accent,,,well it just isn't ! The "family reunion" scene is by far, the biggest clue that, taking unprescribed drugs whilst making a film, is NOT a good idea! It's so far out their,,,it'll probably end up with its on reality tv show! I actually got extremely angry, the first attempt at a watching this "film", because it just confused the s*** gotta me,,,i had to walk away before i plucked my own eyes out! Second attempt (and some calm me down drugs), i made it to the action packed/completely implausible/yet predictable end. Watching this film is like, eating a well known burger,,,it looks sooo good in the adverts, even the wrapper is inviting,,,but when you start chomping into it,,,its just the same old minced up meat, with little or no valuable contents, but it'll do till you get a proper meal.
Boss Level (2020)
Err,,,emm, i just don't know why?
Before watching this, The Krull will always be thee worst film i've ever watched,,,until now. This is such a crash fest of films ( John Wick, Edge of Tomorrow, Kill Bill, Taken ),,it just makes your head go bleeeeeuuuuugggghhhh. The script is lots of words thrown onto paper, and somehow making sentences. The "acting" is,,,adequate enough to stop you falling into Dante's Inferno by your own hand, along with the HOPE,,its gonna make sense! And yet all through the film (god knows how long it lasted, i'm still in therapy after watching it), it crashes from scene to scene, sometimes leaving you thinking "i've got to watch that again, because i cannot believe its actually included) Mel did this for cash only,,,surely ?,, his vocals were from other films (except Braveheart thank god), and sometimes the look in his eyes,,he believed HE was on another set too. If your separate to fill in 90 mins or so, go shave your legs with a blunt butter knife, it'll be less painful.
Tales from the Loop (2020)
"Picture yourself in another dimension of sight and sound"
This is old school sci fi/thriller/evocative story and its good,,,,and bad. The stories themselves are obviously conjoined within "The Loop", but far enough apart so you can jump in at any episode and not be out of sync. However, the endless melancholy makes me feel as depressed as listening to a Leonard Cohen funeral dirge. Much like that other classic "Lost", i'm sure it'll make sense in the end, but i'm sorry i wont be able to make it till season 7. The idea of finding out, its just some psycho's wet dream is too predictable to wait for.
Songbird (2020)
Covid isn't the only killer, so are these film makers!
If you make it 10 mins into this dreadful excuse for something to watch, then you'll know the ending. As predictable as Pot Noodle, it looked good from the packaging, the description of the contents was,,,surprising and confusing, but once you've tried a little, you realise its just there to fill a hole! Speaking of holes,,,the storyline is more akin to that cartoon cheese from Tom and Jerry! Body dies of virus, automatically sending alarms to the clean up crew,,,,,who appear instantly at the door,,,yet it takes them 8 hours to finally open the apartment door and get in ???????? Not really a spoiler, more an example of this drivel on screen.
And god knows why they make mention of "real pencils"???
Begs the ultimate question,,,Demi,,,,,?????,,,,why????
It's been a challenging time with the virus, please,,,,don't push yourself to watch this,,,,best save your energy for the zombies at your door!!!
Outside the Wire (2021)
Outside,,in the rubbish bin!
Amongst friends i'm recognised as being quite eloquent in my writings. With this one i'll make an exception, as i already wasted the 114 mins watching this utter haemorrhoid of a film. Utterly nonsensical from start to finish, there's absolutely no way the screen writer was sober at any point in this production. The "plot" stumbles on from scene to scene, presumably at the same rate as the alcoholic consumption of said writer. The acting is presumably there to pad out in between the start and finishing credits. Factually its as truthful to reality as Trumps 4 years in office. Ad the ending i fear was completed by Jeff and Gordo, the two cleaners, who honestly did a good job to clean up the evidence this film ever existed. My advice is, go lance a boil, take ballroom dancing lessons, or simple tear out your eyes before even thinking of watching this, i will hatch my bets, should be voted "THE WORST FILM OF 2021" I'm off to cleanse my brain with several bottles of whisky !!