mzee75 Reviews

Anaconda (1997)

Primetime Actors... Wasted

[1/10 · 31 May 2002]

A quick gander at the headliners (Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Kari Wuhrer, and to a lesser extent Ice Cube, Eric Stolz, and J-Lo) might lead one to believe this film had some GREAT things to offer. After all, someone enticed these big names to climb aboard. I wish the casting agency that was so persuasive would come work for the Minnesota Vikings, as they convinced this cast to both take on completely flat roles and be made to look like horrible actors at the same time. Oh, wait. Maybe they already DO work for our Vikes...

Almost nothing works here. The story is silly, the dialogue is drab, the direction is clumsy, and the namesake star (the snake) is pretty pitiful. Speaking of the anaconda, the effects team must not have been paid on time - the snake looks fuzzy and painted in for a good portion of the film. If you're a reptile fanatic or hate cold-blooded creatures, this reptilian representation will stretch your endurance for flat-out fiction. The characters' motivations (including Mr. Snakey) begged the audience to cry aloud, "AW, COME ON!" on more than one occasion.

Jon Voight, having been recently nominated for an academy award for his performance in "ALI", must want to hide this title from his resume. His character, Paul Sarone, is utter ridiculousness in celluloid form. From his ludicrously phony accent to his bizarre backstory, Sarone is so far out there it almost hurts to watch. The rest of the cast and characters aren't much of an improvement. At best, they're the worst type of Hollywood charicatures all thrown onto a boat together. Whoo-pee.

The tagline, "You can't scream if you can't breathe," could probably be amended to say, "You won't scream when you're asleep. Trust us, it won't take long."

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Eye Candy = WOW! Tone = Darker then expected.

[9/10 · 20 December 2001]

Honestly, I can't say much that hasn't been handled quite eloquently in other reviews thus far. I would like to reiterate that this movie is like nothing you've ever seen. Guaranteed. I don't know of a film that so effectively captures an alternate reality like "LOTR: Fellowship" does.

I would like to point out that this film might be too scary for some younger viewers. The director seems to relish playing out the "dark side" of each character's lust for the ring. A couple of scenes could have been filmed straight out of a horror movie textbook, and in my opinion, they were overdone and unneccessary. (Lady Galadriel's reaction was particularly unnerving - almost out of character.) Make no mistake, some of Tolkein's original creations were truly wretched creatures, and the filmmakers have fleshed them out accordingly.

I would love to rate this film a 10, as it is brilliantly conceived and executed. However, I've got to take it down a couple notches due to the darker-than-necessary tone (8 of 10).

The 13th Warrior (1999)

Better Than Advertised

[6/10 · 16 November 2001]

This movie got a great deal of flak from "professional" movie reviewers, so I put off seeing it for quite some time. I found much of the criticism unwarranted.

The film is one of the better book adaptations I've seen, and it should be - The Eater of the Dead's author, Michael Crichton, also penned the movie script. Though the first few sequences seemed rushed, the overall pacing and tone of the film are very effective. The scenery is lush (it's so nice to see a movie that's filmed primarily on location for a change), the sets remarkable, and the costumes excellent. Though Antonio Banderas is miscast as Ibin Fahdlan, he does a decent job with the part. The real stars of the movie, however, are the mighty Norsemen. Vladimir Kulich, Dennis Storhøi, and the raucous but noble host of others embody every boyhood dream of what Vikings should be. The only distraction from this party of merry warriors is their various nationalities lead to various accents. Oh well. They sure look the part and look as though they're having the times of their lives.

The "monsters" are effective, but somewhat underwhelming. The battle scenes, choreographed well by director John McTiernan (Die Hard), are engrossing, and they are the reason I rented the movie in the first place. Enjoy!

Dr. T & the Women (2000)

Inexplicably and Incoherently Awful

[1/10 · 26 June 2001]

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** My wife and I picked this movie off the rental store shelf purely off it's star-power. We figured, "How can eight marquee-level stars all be wrong?" After watching the film, we had to ask, "How did eight marquee-level stars get duped into appearing in this dreck?"

First of all, I'm absolutely shocked to find it was penned by a woman. Why? Think of a negative female stereotype, and this film screams it into an amplified bullhorn. Without exception, ALL the female characters are completely neurotic, ludicrously overdressed, blindly self-absorbed, and chatter incessantly about nothing of substance whatsoever, often several characters at a time crescendoing into a mind-grating cacophony. Even Helen Hunt, who at first appears to be a calm in the midst of this maelstrom, (Look out! This may "ruin" it for ya!) turns out to be a man-eating snake.

Enter Dr. T: The Rock of Gibraltar, the only character with more substance than a french fry. Nothing phases him; not his wife getting naked in a crowded shopping center and thus being committed to an insane asylum (because, as her psychoanalyst puts it, Dr. T. just loved her too much), not his daughter who runs into the arms of her lesbian lover rather than her fiancee - at the altar no less, not the hordes of sex-starved and under-appreciated women who clamor into his office almost daily, and no, not even a Texas tornado. That's right. Dr. T. survives a tornado that would've made Dorothy and Toto proud -- without a scratch! He gets up, dusts himself off, and follows some Spanish speaking children to a remote Mexican village just in time to deliver a baby (and yeah, they show EVERYTHING). What a man!

The suspension of disbelief required for this film to have any redeeming qualities is going to break the bell curve. Please, instead of cursing your poor video-box-reading judgement like I have been, do something comparatively constructive. Like watching infomercials.