Janebo Reviews

House of the Dragon (2022– )

Not recognizable...

[4/10 · 30 November 2022]

I'm reading the book this is supposed to be taken from, Fire and Blood, and I recognize nothing but a few names and dragons between the 2. Even the timeline is completely off.

Nor is it even the same story, I wish they had done RR Martin's version, it is SO much better. It flows, it has a story and likeable, recognizable and emotion inducing characters. The tv show has none of it. Even their names have been mostly changed, it's very strange. I don't get the obsession with Daenerys, either. RR Martin's timeline is 300 years prior to the batch of Lannisters, Starks and Baratheons we were introduced to, but this show is touting some crap about 170+ years before Daenerys. The show sullied her character before they ended the last series, with that horrifically out of character actions she ended up deciding on, so why is she even in this? Even the theme music is played, like she hadn't been born yet. Can they not sell the show without her name?

This is a sorry interpretation of the book, as I said. I wanted to like it, but I cannot. I like the dragons, though, they seem to have all the personality in this incarnations of the GoT universe. I'm not going to rehash the actual meandering, yet simple storyline, weak acting, etc., because many have already done so before me and they're much better at it than I. If you watch it, don't expect much.

I cannot imagine RR Martin is impressed with the butchery of his works.

Terror on the Prairie (2022)

It's garbage.

[3/10 · 2 July 2022]

The plot, the script, the stupid actions of the badly acted characters, ALL BAD. Don't believe these gushing right wing reviews. Disney was wise to give Carano the boot, she couldn't act if her life depended on it.

Hex (2017)

3 for the scenery

[3/10 · 2 June 2022]

Too bad the glowing reviews leaving 7+ stars are clearly from people involved with this film. It is boring. Then, it ends so abruptly and brutally, with no explanation of why this witch is so evil and with actions completely out of character for the two "soldiers", it really leaves you saying WTF.

The scenery is pretty and one of the "soldiers" reminds me of my first crush in the third grade. He was in the sixth. And that's all the good I have to say about it. It's a shame really, because I love period pieces.

This is far from a 10, I'm struggling with giving it 3.

The Medium (2021)

Mostly Insanity

[6/10 · 27 September 2021]

But creepy and it was obvious the people involved were fans of the Exorcist and Rec...so am I.

The lead actress is very good, she's got the Linda Blairsville thing down.

One of my problems was the copy I watched, had both Korean and English subtitles, but when it came to brief screens with written info at various points in the movie, the English was dropped. So I wasn't getting what was obvious explanations, that would have addressed some of the confusing stuff that was happening, as well as progressing the story and touching on Thai traditions. That would have been nice to know, but it was still watchable regardless.

Another problem was people doing REALLY stupid things, once it's established who and what the boogeyman really are. Like who the hell would go to sleep with that thing crawling around your house...or let it anywhere near your infant. You start rooting for the demon at some point.

It starts out fairly mildly but around the halfway mark, it descends into total chaos, and stays that way until the end. So, stick with it, it's well done, even for the shaky camera shooting style they use throughout. It wasn't all good though and relies heavily on gratuitous gore for the shock value. But the effects are very well done, as well.

If you're into Asian horror, you'll most likely enjoy it.

If you haven't watched Asian horror before, this one may not be the best to start with, its plot is very convoluted at times. 4Bia comes to mind, if Thai is what you want.

Since I can't vote my actual score on IMDB's preset ratings, I'll put it here instead: 5.5/10*

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

A Mess from start to finish.

[1/10 · 23 July 2021]

No wonder Clive himself came out and said "This is NO child of mine" as he made sure to put as much distance from this disaster as possible. Same goes for Doug Bradley, who will always be "The Cold Man", the role was written for him. I don't recognize the character here at all, they should have gone with a different Cenobite altogether. But Nope. Nothing any of the useless characters do makes any sense and you actually want them to be sent off to hell.

Rarely, and I mean rarely do I give a movie 1*, most movies have some redeeming quality or moment. This has none of that and even less. It makes no sense to attempt to take Clive's brilliant first foray into not just his own movie, but his directorial debut and twist it into oblivion by clearly copying the story and butchering it spectacularly. The acting, the photography, the script, even the sound effects are trashy.

At least Julia had a reason to kill people to bring back her lover, she had the hots for Frank big time, but all the clown did here was belittle and then demand his blood sacrifices. I don't know about you, but once my abuser was dead, I'd be the very last one he can call on for a resurrection, if you know what I mean.

I wish these movie studios would try using some of the new fresh material that's around instead of regurgitating old classics, turning them into slop and killing them off by completely alienating the fan base. Aka the people who pay for the tickets, or streaming services, to watch these crappy ass butcher jobs. Don't get me started on how much Disney shouldn't be allowed to own anything but Mickey Mouse....and I digress, sorry.

Anyway, Bleh. Check it out for yourself and decide. Maybe you'll like it. Not sure how, but you never know.

Annabelle Comes Home (2019)

More like a Scooby-Doo episode

[3/10 · 22 July 2021]

I'm not a huge fan of any of this series, whenever something is presented as truth when it's the opposite, doesn't sit well with me. And that's what I feel for the Warrens. I don't wish to speak ill of the dead, but they were big scam artists, who made a lot of cash with their show.

This particular episode was especially light, it could have made a decent 30 minute Scooby-Doo episode, I'm not even joking.

The creepy, ugly doll gets out of her case, plays hide and seek with the Warren's daughter and her babysitter and gets put back in the case. To wait for the next cash cow, part 90 coming up. Well, part too many if we include the whole Conjuring universe. It only got 3* because I like a couple of the actors, otherwise it'd get minus 3.

Bleh, watch it yourself and decide for yourself. Personally, it wasn't for me.

The Reckoning (2020)

Holy rollers are the real blight on society.

[7/10 · 7 February 2021]

And have been ever since the invention of religion, to keep frightened peasants enslaved to the rich and powerful. How dare any "man" treat any other person so horribly. This movie made me angry, if that was the intention, it worked.

And don't worry about the pathetic 1 star ratings, most of the clowns who write "reviews" are far from any bona fide critics.

Bleach (2018)

Sugoi dayo!

[8/10 · 26 November 2020]

Okay, so I never read the manga and never watched the anime...and I LOVED it. It doesn't hurt all the guys are cute...and all good actors. I've been a fan of Yosuke Eguchi for years, glad to see him still relevant, in a small but important role. Some of the costumes were a little light, like the scabbard for that massive sword could have been a lot more, but these are small things.

Guess I'll have to read the manga and watch the anime now. And I hope they do another live action sequel, this was very entertaining, even the monsters were well done. If you are a fan, I can't imagine you didn't like this. 8**** Well done!

Replicas (2018)

Terrible

[3/10 · 26 November 2020]

Just read some of the longer reviews that are 4 stars or less, they tell you everything I feel about this messy mess of a film. Great concept, I love sci fi and horror both, but the script, acting and execution, were the absolute bottom of the barrel. I'm laughing at the gushing 8+ star "reviews", they couldn't have possibly watched the same movie. Or don't watch many movies and/or are friends of Keanu. I know 5 year olds with more depth and intelligence than this movie and like somebody already mentioned, the only thing that would have made it worse, is if Nicholas Cage was in it. As it is, Keanu is his usual self, the wooden actor we all know. Alice Eve, atrocious and the kids, well, hopefully they have other things to do besides trying to act.

But I'd never tell people not to watch something. Just be warned, it's painful. And completely ridiculous. The 3 stars are for the production, it did look slick. And it could have been great had they used real talent on just about everything.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019)

Retcon This Mess

[3/10 · 6 July 2020]

So nothing like spitting on George Lucas and SW fans who have been around since the beginning. Frankly I don't see how this appeals to anybody. And not just the massively stupid plot holes you could drive a Death Star through. The saga was about the Skywalkers, not the Palpatines. Disney has subverted the gist of the SW universe and it's horrible.

I hope this garbage is tossed and they pull a 180. GL had the framework for this last trilogy, it's got to be light years ahead of horses galloping in space. No wonder Mark Hamil wanted to stay away from this Disney travesty. Get JJ out of there, he already ruined Star Trek and they let him do the same to Star Wars, despite the fact he touted himself to be a much bigger fan of SW. I can't tell that he's a fan of either. He threw in a nudge to Dune with the giant worm, knowing the Poe actor was making the Dune movie. Maybe he's a bigger fan of Dune. Don't let him near it.

I won't bother going through all the points, 7K people have already done it, suffice it to say this seems to want to delete the original canon and replace with with utter contrived nonsense. Why is Palpatine back and why are we calling him that? And where the hell was Anakin in that moronic little cameo of all the Jedi speaking to Rey? Why would they even bother, they'd know who she really was. Even Qui Gon showed up and he never had anything to do with her, no relationship, Nothing.

Not only did they kill the Skywalkers off, they killed the sole reason of Anakin's fall in the first place. The very ability he wanted to have, the ability Palpatine seduced him over, the ability Palpatine himself tried to learn from the master he ended up killing over, the ability to never let your loved ones die, went right over Disney and JJ's heads, apparently. The answer was there all along, according to them. Just clone yourself. Just get a half a Skywalker to kiss her and like Sleeping Beauty, she woke up. Give me a break.

Blah, I'm so disgusted. Don't get me started on that wet noodle Kylo Ren. I can't stand him. Turns out he was just another worthless plot device to really hit home to fans that yes, the Skywalkers are dead.

The cinematography is gorgeous and visually it's something to see, it's the only reason for the 4/10. But the disrespect and trolling cannot be ignored. And the whole time I'm looking at this silly Rey girl, all I can think is how much she looks like Senya and how much I'd rather be watching her in those stories. Of how the powers of the Force and those able to use it, started out. That's canon. That's what people want. Not this contrived mish mash of absurdities. Disappointed!

The Flu That Killed 50 Million (2018 TV Movie)

History Repeating

[7/10 · 17 May 2020]

Incredible that the denial which spread this outbreak 100 years ago, is the same as the denial going on in the US and a few other countries today. "Those who ignore history, are doomed to repeat it." These words have never been more true than today. This documentary, narrated by Doctor Who, Christopher Eccleston, lays out where the pandemic of 1918 started, how Spain was falsely accused of being the originator and how it was spread. COVID-19 was completely predictable.

Abigail Haunting (2020)

NOT CANADIAN

[4/10 · 14 May 2020]

To whoever was blathering about Canada this and Canada that, this was filmed in NEVADA, the lead actress was born in UTAH, the other main actors were born in NEW YORK, DETROIT, etc. Everywhere but CANADA. Not a CANADIAN in sight, so maybe rewatch it or just forget about reviewing movies, if you're that clueless.

San Andreas (2015)

CGI does not a good movie make

[2/10 · 14 January 2020]

It was eye rolling from the start, with the first completely unrealistic "accident" and just went downhill from there. Each "catastrophe" got more ridiculous. Every character was one dimensional and the fractured family saved by getting together in the face of the deaths of millions, a tired overused trope, was especially nauseating. I don't know who were the lost people giving this movie a 10, minus ten is more like it. Did they work on the film? Lame. CGI, and not even good CGI, doesn't make a good movie. Especially one that has a shamefully weak script. It wouldn't matter how good the CGI was, it couldn't have saved this horrible mess.

Outlander (2014– )

I want wine with that cheese!

[6/10 · 2 January 2020]

Ok, I'm up to book number 6 and at the end of Season 3 and I have to say there's a crapload of material in the books that should easily make the show interesting. So why, oh why, do we keep getting these 2 in the ridiculously drawn out gratuitous soft garbage, literally every single episode. I don't want to see Claire's fried egg boobs or Jaime's fake scars anymore I can take it every once in a while but damn, I'm starting to feel like some pervy voyeur. And though Jaime's got a nice body, he doesn't leave me all weak in the knees. I'm not down with the wife-beating, either. Unlike many here, I didn't get all bent out of shape about the male rape scene, & tbh, I do believe there's actually a better love story going on between Jamie and John Grey, but here comes Claire's saggy bosom again. If I want to watch bad, I'll watch it, please stop cramming it down our throats because in this soft format, it's BORING. Every single damn episode, it drags on. The honeymoon's over, time to move forward. As I mentioned, the books are massive, they are hardly going to run out of material. Whoever's playing Roger, is horrible. I'm supposed to take this nerdy milquetoast seriously as the tall, raven haired, manly guy in the book?? Not looking forward to the Brianna/Roger season (4), the actress playing Brianna is just as horrible as "Roger". I wanted to like it, it's gorgeously shot, if entirely out of touch with life in the 1700's, with the crisply pressed, snow white shirts and impeccable hair and makeup, even while spending weeks in a rough boat, stuck in the middle of a windless sea. The premise is very interesting and has much potential. It sucks you in with the first couple of episodes, especially the scenes with the druids & stones that we never see again, but then it goes all cheap romance novel for the duration.

Joker (I) (2019)

Awesome, dark and disturbing

[9/10 · 1 January 2020]

I rarely write reviews, usually multiple people have already said many times over what I would have said myself and my voice is through the rating I'll give. But just seeing the few sad individuals giving this a 1 because it made them mad or uncomfortable is frankly, petty and pathetic. It's a roller coaster ride, it's supposed to make you angry. And uncomfortable, sad, appalled, with a very stark look at what society can do to the mentally ill and then blame those they have actually helped make victims. If this is a 1 movie to you, stop watching movies...or at least stop being a critic, you suck. You want movies that are truly 1 star, I can point you to them, this wasn't it. Shame on you crybabies, you're screaming out all the reasons why you're nothing but armchair critics. With almost 9K reviews here, I hardly need to go over the story again other than to say it was wild. And fit in with the Dark Knight series...which is how the story really is. There are No fat guys jumping around in tights, slapping each other here. And Phoenix acted his ass off, seriously. He looked like he just came out of Auschwitz at times, emaciated and crazed. Even women's film guilds are giving that performance awards the whole crew deserves, ffs.

Ammoru (1995)

Spectacular!

[8/10 · 11 June 2019]

I hadn't heard about this movie before I actually watched it so I went in blind. And was more than a little surprised on how good it is, especially given the date it was made. Great acting, a very good Hindu mythology adaptation and definitely not low budget. Everybody on this review section have already given a synopsis and I agree with all of them on their ratings.

I just want to clarify for one of the reviewers who hadn't heard of Ammoru, you wouldn't have because there isn't one. Ammoru means "goddess" and who you saw were a few of the forms Parvati/Durga/Kali.

Dead Ring (2016)

Really Charming

[7/10 · 22 January 2019]

I hadn't heard of this movie but was browsing, felt like a horror and typed the word Dead in the search. This came up. So Emily is a young woman who has been extremely traumatized but the loss of her family in a tragic accident and as a result, has developed survivor's guilt along with a case of agoraphobia (fear of leaving your house). She meets with a strange therapist that suggests she heal through art and tells her to create an image of herself to help her move past her difficulties. What follows is really compelling in an almost Edward Scissorhands kind of direction. And Savanah McMahon, a British actress has no problem taking on a dual role playing the main characters, herself and her weird goth doppelganger. The whole thing is really only hampered by poor editing and some of the camera work is a little off, nor is it on any kind of large budget but those things in no way detract from the film or really it's message. There is some wooden acting from the boy who plays Ian, but that seems to ease off the more the film progresses.

Really surprised how good it was, I'd watch it again. 7.5/10*

Blair Witch (2016)

Horrible! Fake scores and reviews are a joke!

[2/10 · 24 June 2018]

SPOILER: You can't watch this pile of crap without groaning and wondering just where did these people who gave it 10 out of 10 crawl out from. They worked on it perhaps? They've never seen a movie before? Something is obviously wrong with them in any case.

Anyway, the original hooked me, I was genuinely creeped right out back then. To compare this pos to the original is a joke. Ridiculous decisions, ridiculous reason for even going to look for this missing for 17 years sister and knowing how the first trip went, they go in without a weapon of any kind. Maybe they thought yelling each other's names in an endless display of stupidity would scare the boogies away. It doesn't and then the last 10 minutes or so just sink it even further by suggesting *spoiler* that aliens did it. Omg are you serious?

I gave it 2 for the production-nothing else. What crap.

Hidden (I) (2015)

High ratings?! Sounds like bs to me...*Spoilers!

[3/10 · 18 June 2018]

I think these "It's So Wonderful!" and "best movie I ever saw gosh darn!" gushes over this very mediocre film are from people who are affiliated with it in some way. Because I didn't see the same movie. What I saw was a mish-mash of crapola with an annoying brat, implausible occurrences...such as rats chewing through a whole stash of canned food, (which, was one of the most ridiculous things I've seen, I mean these rats were good, they even managed to drink all the water & juices veggies & fruits are canned in, like, as if) and more holes than the proverbial swiss cheese. Badly shot, dark & cramped, wishy-washy adults and when the "truth" is revealed it's kind of meh tbqh.

3/10 is probably too generous but that's what it gets.

Heavenly Sword (2014)

Do Not listen to those haters

[8/10 · 29 April 2018]

I don't get the bad reviews, half of what I've read of them aren't even true. The animation, for one. It's excellent. The textures are crisp and the backgrounds/characters are very detailed. I played the game to death and it was kind of cool to see a scene or 2 that made its way into this film from the game...with updated graphics. If whoever had a problem with pixelation, that goes away when you actually watch the real version as opposed to a crap downloaded copy. The story has been changed slightly, with some ...odd revelations. I won't spoil those however. The movie is just a retelling of the game.

Unfortunately, they didn't have Andy Serkis for Bohan, but Bohan himself doesn't take up much screen time anyway. They did have Anna Torv (who I adore in any incarnation) Kai (Lydia Baksh) is back & a little more bold than she was in the game. Sadly, they didn't have the originals for Whiptail, Roach or Flying Fox. I hated Thomas Jane's character, who didn't exist in the game and the movie could have done quite well without him. Nariko is and always was, the "Chosen One" and she wields the sword as such, with none of those foul demon henchmen walking away from any confrontations with her.

I'm probably a little biased as the game is what made me go out and buy a Playstation 3, I'm amazed the disc still plays after how much time I spent on it lol. But it's the story that fascinates me, this girl, this beautiful girl is what stands between her people and Bohan. And she prevails, but not without an extremely high price. Bottom line, watch it for yourself and make up your own mind...

Spacejacked (1997 TV Movie)

Yikes!

[1/10 · 21 July 2005]

Ya know, just when you think you've seen the worst films ever, another one comes along & quickly dispels that line of thinking. This flick is a disaster right from the opening credits on. The acting, the worst. "Barnes, step away from the laptop", O M G!

Not to mention some stupid-looking android who appeared to be trying to emulate Data from Star Trek . The scary looking people, frightening. The cheesy costumes, bad wigs, etc., hurts the eyes. The gratuitous sex scenes, which might appeal to adolescent boys.

I mean, How on Earth can crap like this get produced---was there not one person, crew & cast, who didn't say "jeez, should we Really be doing this whatever it is?" Much less dozens of 'em.

I really feel for the poster who said they'd actually bought that mess. & when they said "This is not a movie you need to see", they truly made the understatement of the day. My advice would be Run away as fast as you can screaming should you ever come across it! Oy-vey

Beast Wars: Transformers (1996–1999)

I love this stuff!

[8/10 · 6 August 2003]

I agree with Andrew DiMonte---I really don't understand some of the "hating" going on around here with this particular show because I think this show is absolutely the coolest...& the CG format completely enhances the whole, instead of the cheesey & limited Transformer predecessors.

I mean with the kind of technology the Maximals, Predacons, etc. utilize to transform, only CG is able to depict it in all its glorious detail. This was lost in the previous series. Maybe there's too much action going on for some folks...but not for me!

My only problem is that it's tooo short! Check it out for yourself if ya haven't already cuz it's awesome!

Farscape (1999–2003)

it's very good...check it out!

[9/10 · 14 December 2001]

with all the crappy & so-called "reality" shows recently clogging up the TV airways, it's refreshing to return to a bit of escapism (after all, don't we get enough "reality" every day in the "real" world?) This show was definitely a surprise to us, when one day there was Nothing On TV but Farscape...we thought it was a kid's show at first glance! It isn't what we were expecting at all! It's a very well done sci-fi, with lots of alien characters & tons of details...an extremely pleasant surprise! I'm hooked also! And you will be too---just watch it & see!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

over zealous lovers And haters

[9/10 · 1 December 2001]

I can't understand the "slack jawed, OMG must see, surpasses Every other movie that's ever been made & that's all there is to it", lovers of this flick---nor do I understand the vehement "man, this was The absolute Worst piece of whatever that's Ever been made & how dare anybody Think this was any good at all", haters of this flick! I thought it was neither the best nor the worst movie I've ever seen---but I gotta say that choreography was Pretty wild just in itself! Comparing it to say, The Matrix, is silly---it's not even in the same genre! Comparing it to the old Bruce Lee flicks from 30 years ago, doesn't work either when you consider we've come a long way in the special effects department---not to mention the human physique! (have you ever seen those old body builders? yikes!) It was entertaining though & had some very pretty scenes & if you like fantasy with some incredibly intense choreographed "fight" scenes, & you're familiar with thin plotted martial arts movies(but enjoy 'em anyway), then you'll enjoy this too! As for the "you either love it or you hate it" tones of some armchair critics, well---You be the judge! I just wish I could kick & jump around like some of those characters...(sigh)

The Matrix (1999)

awesome sci-fi flick for sure!

[9/10 · 1 December 2001]

We're still over here scratching our heads at how goofy ol' Kanoe(Keanu), keeps getting really cool movies...like this one---he didn't have a whole lot of lines in this one, so we agree he did play Neo like a pro! Even if he didn't, the rest of the cast, the storyline And definitely the effects, made up for it a thousand fold! I can't imagine there's anybody left who hasn't seen it, but if you haven't---go! now! And make it snappy! Cuz you are missing out on an extremely excellent flick!