Harlequin-Rose Reviews

Toast (2010 TV Movie)

The smoke alarm is going off

[1/10 · 13 April 2024]

I had high hopes for this as I love movies about food.

But this was... Burnt toast.

Nigel is simply a brat.

I also lost my mother as a child and had to deal with all the hell that came with that, and at no point did I ever feel connected to this sourpuss, elitist nonce.

Are we meant to find him charming? They failed. Are we meant to be sympathetic? They definitely failed.

At no point, did I ever side with or even like Nigel.

The father was just as annoying. There were glimpses of what this man could be, yet he kept slipping back into the creep.

The only character I did like was the stepmother and they tried hard to make us hate her.

What was the point of this movie?

To show where "greatness" started? It didn't.

To show a boy overcoming adversity? He most certainly did not. He just became more insufferable the older he became. He made his own adversity.

Argh... I need to watch a Julia Child origin story now to wash my mouth clean of this failed meal.

The Breed (2006)

Uhm... Nope

[1/10 · 24 February 2024]

There is so little to connect to in this movie.

The characters are unlikable. The situations are just plain silly. The "monster" doesn't make sense. I don't understand who I'm supposed to be rooting for.

These characters are supposed to be university aged. But they look far older so their naivety doesn't make sense. They should have cast younger actors. If I'm seeing grown adults already in their fourth decade of life behaving like drunk students I just roll my eyes.

If I can't care for your characters, I don't care what happens to them.

The situation makes zero sense too. Why do they have this property on this island? How do you continue to own a property without understanding what is happening around said property. They would still have to pay tax and upkeep and all that jazz. You can't just own a house and forget about it.

How could they not have had a phone call from ANYONE going, "You know that property you own that you never go to? It's surrounded by killer dogs. We're sending an exterminator in. We'll send you the bill".

Which brings me to the biggest failure of this entire movie: The monster.

I was expecting an actual horrific monster of sorts. What I got was a dog that I've been trained from birth to view as a protector. These dogs are police dogs, army dogs, in some cases assistance dogs.

I CANNOT see them as bad by any stretch of the imagination.

If they were going to go the dog route, why didn't they choose a dog which does not have a reputation as the "good guy"?

I just can't feel fear when I see these dogs "attack" because they have actual smiles on their faces and wagging tails. Sorry but no, the film makers could not have chosen a worse monster.

On top of that it is sooooooo sooooooo sooooooooooo boring. I swear I've missed every big scene because I've been daydreaming because it took too long to get there and was filled with nonsense until that point.

This movie was just meh!

Death Ship (1980)

Make sure to turn the sound down

[3/10 · 19 September 2023]

I really really wanted to love this movie.

It merges horror, the sea, and big beautiful boats: three things I am madly in love with.

But frankly... I just found myself bored and irritated.

The cons: 1) It was not atmospheric (beyond the outside footage of the ship). The movie relied more on the audience knowing the ship was haunted (and just waiting for the characters to catch up) than actually setting up any type of feeling. It started off well with the ship moving on its own and such, but just dipped after that into loud screaming and lots of shots of running and hydraulics. Like the director thought to himself: "The audience knows we are haunted. Why bother trying?" 2) The NOISE This movie was annoyingly loud. Characters constantly screaming, music blaring, ship hydraulics groaning. There was no silence to take in and digest what you were viewing. I became over stimulated with the noise and therefore simply shut down and stopped caring.

3) The overly dramatic scenes.

I wanted to shake these actors and tell them to man up! They were so dramatic it was ridiculous. You found a room full of skeletons... Okay but do you need to thrash about on the floor screaming at Hitler for a full ten minutes of scream time? Once again, I became desensitised to the characters because their dramatics irritated me.

4) Story is a bit thin on the ground. The best horror movies in the world have had the most simple plots, but the difference is they explored this simplicity. This movie did not.

For example: they discovered it was a German ship only minutes after arriving. Nothing is said again until they discover the secret rooms. In the meantime there's just blood, gore, murders, watching of movies, eating of humbugs... In all that time they couldn't have explored this German ship more? We couldn't have got more of an idea of the ship itself.

5) It was annoying that on a supposed haunted ship, the antagonist became a grumpy old flesh and blood man. What's the point of the ship then? Just seems silly to introduce a concept then go in a different direction.

Pros: 1) THAT SHIP!

Wow. Every sight from the outside thrilled me. It was beautiful. And it was just as exciting to see the inside of it.

2) The sight of the ship coming up behind the raft was possibly one of the most beautiful images in film.

I really wished I could love this movie, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Fifty Shades of Black (2016)

I lost IQ points watching this

[1/10 · 21 March 2023]

I did the world a favour by throwing this dvd in the garbage.

I grew up on the Wayans brothers comedy, so expected something funny, or at least slightly silly from them.

Nope.

This was without a doubt the worst movie ever made. In 1000 years archaeologists are going to dig this nonsense up and judge as harshly for it.

"This was right before the collapse of humanity" they'll say, "You can unquestionably see it coming after only 5 minutes of this nonsense."

Are the brothers okay? I genuinely worry for them. Have they been taken out and replaced by robots or something? How can the people who brought us White Chicks think this is something to put your name to? I want to take them to lunch and beg them to find new careers.

The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)

One Star

[1/10 · 16 October 2022]

The star isn't for the movie.

It's for me who got through this nonsense.

I did not at one point feel I was watching X Files. I did not at one point feel a connection to these people or their story or the discombobulated plot.

This was more a medical drama with sourpuss lovers whose relationship is dying than it is a look into the paranormal.

First time in my life I've gone to the bathroom because I couldn't handle yet another of Anderson's longwinded soliloquies. I also know they killed that cutesy cop because she was a far better fit for Mulder than the sourpuss was.

I want my 103 minutes back.

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween (2018)

🙄🙄🙄

[1/10 · 19 August 2022]

If shameless cash grab had a face, it would be this movie.

The script breaks the rules set up in the first movie, it looks like the cgi was done by first year film students, and the actors were uncomfortably embarrassing.

The Family Man (2000)

A Glimpse of magic

[10/10 · 5 September 2021]

This is my favourite of all the glimpse style movies. I love how realistic they made such a bizarre premise. It's not a silly scene tacked on to another scene. It's about growing within your own family (even if that family wasn't technically real). It's almost like a man joining an already established family and learning to dance with them. My heart broke when he had to return to NYC. I felt as though he was truly poor now.

This was a beautiful movie, made beautifully. So well filmed and acted, a masterpiece of the silver screen.

Furry Vengeance (2010)

Just Good Fun!

[9/10 · 19 August 2021]

I don't understand why this movie gets so much hatred. Even Brendan Fraser is on its case. Yet its so funny, and such a great movie.

It's not art. But it doesn't need to be. Sometimes movies are just good entertainment.

I enjoyed every minute of it.

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997)

A business woman's special

[8/10 · 8 August 2021]

I will never understand why they didn't just claim to be lawyers. Who would have questioned that??

Although this movie was a ton of fun, it is definitely a product of the 90s.

Can you imagine lying about inventing something now? Everyone would just pull out their phone and 'fact-check'. 😂😂😂.

I loved how they jumped between timelines so you got to see what reunion you would be attending with them. It was a good idea to introduce these characters before you got to see them at the reunion. That way you formed your own opinion of them and were either pleasantly surprised or horrified by what you found.

I was a bit disappointed that Michelle ended up Sandy in the end. I was hoping Sandy would be the one to realise he didn't want her, and go for the one who'd loved him all those years instead. I didn't feel like it was a real ending to her story as she seems to only like him now that he is rich. How does that make Michelle any better than Christie?

And did anyone else think this was an unusually successful graduating class? There were way too many inventors, self made rich, or famous people for some random high school in the middle of nowhere. I felt like I was watching the Facebook version of life. How sure are we they weren't all lying like Romy and Michelle?

I loved the girls before the reunion, they sort of became whiney and annoying during and after.

However, I'll always love this movie.

Practical Magic (1998)

Magic was done here

[7/10 · 8 August 2021]

The real magic of this movie was turning that awful book into such an enjoyable movie.

Someone behind the scenes really understood what women want when watching witches, and it certainly wasn't the claptrap in the novel.

I used to admire this movie for being enjoyable, fun, sexy, beautiful, bewitching... But after reading the source material, I now admire it for things I didn't even notice before.

The relationship between the sisters (all three pairs), mothers and daughters, aunts and nieces, neighbours, enemies, lovers, abusers and the abused. Its a study of how these relationships can save you (even from yourself).

It's also a look into who you are and how you fit in. If everyone thinks you are a witch, do you own it or fight it? Do you care?

Will you allow the curses of your ancestors to wreck havoc on the descendants they never lived to meet?

This movie brings up so many questions about the human spirit and how we work with or against one another. And I could only see that once I saw the original story about selfish people with no connection to other humans.

The script writer was practically magic!

While You Were Sleeping (1995)

Setting the bar for Romance

[10/10 · 8 August 2021]

This is the romance to end all romance.

Bill and Sandra pull off a forbidden chemistry so well you kinda find yourself hoping the coma dude would peg it just so they could be together. Just kidding.

I LOVE how crazy this family is. There's not a calm moment among them. There isn't even peace in church. No wonder the guy stayed in his coma. 😂😂

Whenever I eat a hot dog I think of Lucy's emotional journey from just accepting the hot dog she didn't want, to demanding what she did want. I think that was the real victory in the movie, not the catching of a man or the stamp in her passport, but being strong enough to fight for what she wants instead of just accepting the abuse hurled at her.

I love this movie, and will love it until I die!

Anna and the King (1999)

"Nor I with a king"

[10/10 · 8 August 2021]

Very rarely do I love a movie as much as this one.

I know it is as historically factual as a cellphone in Camelot, but I have never approached it thinking it had to be anything but entertainment.

I think it's every young girl's fantasy that the man everyone wants would be souly in love with you. 😂😂

My favorite character was little Louis, he was just so English. I loved him.

Every few years I watch this movie and fall in love all over again.

Happy Death Day (2017)

Groundhog Day for Horror Lovers

[8/10 · 8 August 2021]

This was a great popcorn movie for Friday night.

I guessed the ending half way through but still enjoyed watching the rest.

I loved how she had a complete personality make over by the end. Very rare in horror, as character development isn't really the point.

Would recommend!

Lake Placid (1999)

A more believable Jaws

[9/10 · 6 August 2021]

Coming from South Africa and knowing sharks don't purposely hunt you means I never took to Jaws the way the rest of the world did. However, knowing full well there was certain water in South Africa where you wouldn't come out alive, and a crocodile would go to bed with a full stomach, meant I could really take this movie seriously. I could love it the way everyone else loved Jaws.

And I do love it.

Loved it when I watched as a teenager, still love it now.

I love how this Croc has no reason to eat humans, but just does it because they are on his turf. It sounds about right.

I loved all the male actors. But Fonda, the police officer, and the museum chick make my teeth grind. They should have brought in a writer who had experience writing female characters.

Pullman and Platt were the best. Besides the croc, they carried the movie.

View from the Top (2003)

A stressfree trip through the skies

[8/10 · 4 January 2021]

I definitely don't see this movie as a comedy, as I failed to laugh at any of the so called funny bits. But I loved it all the same. It's old fashioned feel good genre, I think. Donna can be sweet and gorgeous or trashy with awful hair, but you love and root for her all the same. I love that it showed how her dream exhausted her. Stories never really show what happens after you've achieved your dreams. It's all: paradise is assumed. But the reality is that sometimes the very goal we strove for and achieved, no longer fits and just becomes work. I was glad she adapted in the end. This is the perfect movie to just watch when you can't be bothered to question, and analyse. It's stress free zen art. Would recommend.

Benny & Joon (1993)

Glass half full

[5/10 · 30 December 2020]

It's a good premise for a movie, and an interesting thought. However I'd have liked it more if Joon was a likeable character. But I find her insufferable. I don't care about her mental problems, because her personality is so awful. I spend most of the movie hoping Sam would find someone else who I could cheer for. I wish they'd worked harder on the Joon character so that I actually cared what happened to her. Why put so much effort into Sam, and almost nothing into a titular character? Was Johnny the magic ingredient?

Scoob! (2020)

🙄

[3/10 · 26 December 2020]

This movie was clearly made by someone who knows nothing about Scooby

Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006)

Strong starter, meh finisher

[6/10 · 2 October 2020]

MitM started off great. I loved watching this crazy family. Reese and Francis were the best characters out the gate. There wasn't much to Dewey in the beginning, but he was cute to look at. However by series 4 Dewey was without a doubt the best character with the only interesting storyline. The parents were both awesome, definitely more involved than other shows. Malcolm on the other hand walked the line of being interesting to watch, and annoying. Although his genius was intriguing in the beginning, it became a character flaw towards the middle and it was the absolute pits at the end. As the show progressed it stopped being about the family, and literally just became stupid situations for cheap laughs. So I'll only focus on the things that kept me watching: I loved the relationship between Hal and Lois. It reminded me of the original Addams Family. I loved that they were quite realistic in the fact that they were friends rather than just spouses. Francis became really interesting when he got married, he suddenly became his mother. I loved the dynamic of accepting his wife into the family. Dewey is without a doubt the shining star of this family. He is the real genius without being a complete jerk like malcolm. Even malcolm understood that Dewey was the better version of him. I wish more of the show had been dedicated to him as I wanted to know exactly why he was like he was.

It was a great show in the beginning, and some characters kept it alive in the end.

Way of the Wicked (2014)

Eyeroll

[1/10 · 28 July 2020]

I have very rarely seen such a ridiculous movie in my life. The twist was laughable, and made the movie worse. It was a teen angst drama disguised as horror pretending to be a movie. I want those two hours back.

Last Man Standing (2011–2021)

Almost perfect show!

[8/10 · 7 June 2020]

This was a great find during quarantine. TiVo recorded two episodes a day so I had at least one great hour during lockdown weekdays. I loved how the three sisters banter with one another. It seems far more realistic than the other TV shows where the siblings do nothing but fight or are cheesingly best friends. I also love how the emphasis is on keeping the relationships going, as opposed to having the girls swap and change boyfriends every few episodes. Makes a difference from other annoying modern shows. However... The new Mandy has wrecked it all. The old Mandy is without a doubt one of the best characters ever written. She is quirky, funny, confident, sweet, loyal, and most important happy! She was a ray of sunshine, and made every scene better. Although her character was slightly egotistical, she was never condescending. She was well aware of her flaws and just ran with it. The actress turned the ditsy fool into the sweetest family member. The new actress has taken this well defined character and turned her into a caricature. She is a self-serving, awfully condescending, and flat out mean brat with absolutely no relationship with the other characters. The marriage between Mandy and Kyle is no longer a relationship, it's barely even a friendship. Every scene with Mandy is now horribly uncomfortable. And frankly it has turned me off the show. Tim Allen's great lines don't even make up for it. The family has been ruined, and every scene I watch I now remember with sadness all the scenes that came before. I wish they'd simply written Mandy out of the show, and let the original actress come back whenever she could. So my 8 stars are for the first 6 seasons. 0 stars from that point onwards.

The Tall Man (2012)

An illuminati ritual disguised as a movie

[1/10 · 13 May 2020]

This is one of the most Godawful movies in existence. Who in their right mind would ever try to put a positive spin on child trafficking? Not only does this movie make me think Hollywood is morally bankrupt (more than I ever have in my life), it also shows me that the more reprehensible you are, the more likely they are to give you a movie. Avoid unless you want to be spitting mad at this human trafficking wet dream of a "movie".