jonasatmosfera Reviews

Raven's Hollow (2022)

woulda, coulda, shoulda

[1/10 · 23 September 2022]

Oh well, this is a huge missed opportunity.

There is nothing new here...The small village and its "weird" inhabitants, the sense of dread and of something mysterious that pervades the whole place. The idea of using Poe's character and to try to weave the mystery of Raven's Hole into Poe's life is noteworthy. But the execution is what killed what could have been a much better film. It starts OK but soon the whole thing derails and we have yet another subpar horror film from Shudder...It is harmless, toothless and totally forgettable.

In the end, Raven's Hole is kinda OK for one viewing while one is doing something else...

The Black Phone (2021)

The only good thing about this movie is the poster....

[1/10 · 5 August 2022]

Everything else stinks high heaven.

Nothing works in another train wreck... The story is stupid, the kids are annoying and unconvincing, Ethan is lost in this mess, maybe we was late for some alimony payments and then agreed to be part of this joke of a horror film.

There is no horror in this film, maybe cussinng kids count as a horror thing, ...who knows? And the fighting between kids? Is that real? The fights were brutal, vicious. I guess we can see this type of behavior in a prison for really dangerous criminals, but not among kids in the 70s.

The whole thing is stuffed with cliches, stereotypes, too precocious kids.

And the dialog? OMG. It can give you stomach cramps after 5 minutes listening to it.

This thing is really bad, in a very bad way.

The Oregonian (2011)

Pockte money....

[1/10 · 10 July 2022]

A bunch of friends get drunk in the weekend and then decide to make a full length movie. They collect tkeir pocket money, look for lost coins in their couches, cars, and amass a grand total of US$ 35.12.

Someone has a camera, another a green monster costume and then they make "The Oregonian".

Out of the US$ 35.12, US$ 20 are used to buy a couple of beers, the rest is used in the production (US$ 15.12 is spent on the blood/ketchup special effetcs) of yet another artsy-farsty, useless, pointless, dumb movie. The script, of course, was written by the drunkest dude of the troupe.

There.... this is the story of "The Oregonian"

Watch at your own risk.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)

Milking the cash cow....

[1/10 · 22 June 2022]

...and deconstructing heroes at the same time.

Disney does not stop. Its mission is clear. They want to emmasculate all male heroes and transform the Star Wars universe in some sort of a "modern" society that mirrors XXI century USA mores and values... And because of it, we have yet another horrid, horrific , vomit-inducing TV show "about" Star Wars.

The plot, script and actors (young princess Leia is cringeworthy..) are awful. Ewan is lost in it and Obi-Wan is a caricature of the character that once was played by Sir Alec Guiness.

I only think what can come next (a C3PO with montlhy cramps?).

Disney's ability to botch everyting is humongous...

Father of the Bride (2022)

And yet again, another remake.

[1/10 · 19 June 2022]

Hollywood is dead. Brain dead.

It cannot make anything original anymore. Since they ran out of ideas, they resort to remakes, one after the other...

We had the 1950, 1991, 1995 versions of "TFOTB". Now, we have a sanitized version of the same story adapted to a more modern mindset and reflecting current mores and values. And because of it, "TFOTB" sucks, as expected.

Modern life in America is a caricature of what it once was, and everything that is made based on how things should look like feels abysmally stupid, dull and depressing.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from it.

The Beast with a Million Eyes (1955)

There was a time when movies, or at least tried to.....

[6/10 · 12 June 2022]

Yes, it is cheap and the budget and production values are minimal.

But, "TBWAME" it did not have to rely on gazillions of dollars and mega ultra complex CGI to deliver its message.

Only brain washed nimwits with an attention span of a lettuce head cdescribe "TBWAME" as "cheesy" or "so bad it is good" film. There is an interesting story here.

But, hey, in todays environment, what matter are explosions, severed heads, shootings and car chases, right?

The Midwich Cuckoos (2022)

Another one....

[1/10 · 3 June 2022]

...like Foundation.

Just call it any other name. It is simple. Like the "Village Idiots" or "How to Destroy Books and Alienate People".

But, no, they want to destroy everything, every book ever written with these abysmal adaptations, and they keep the original names as a trophy. As a way of telling us that they botched yet another great story.

Some day, they will paint Mona Lisa green, purple, any color that they think as more befitting.

Crazy times we live in.

Do yourself a favor and just read the book. It is always better than these bungled TV shows.

Dashcam (I) (2021)

Why?

[1/10 · 2 June 2022]

Do we need this tripe?

It is bad, the main character should be buried alive and the script was written by a bunch of brain dead morons who think they are geniuses but in reality are dumber than a pile of sand. There is no story, nothing. It is all about stereotypes....

Ah...and the red cap and the covid mentions are, well, what you expect in garbage like this.

I am sure that not even the proud parents of the folks who made this steaming pile could not feel like throwing up after watching it.

Shooting yourself on the foot with a nail gun is more enjoyable than watching Dashcam.

Firestarter (2022)

Dumb and dumber

[1/10 · 15 May 2022]

The 1984 was a pretty dumb film.

This 2022 film is a dumber version of a dumb film.

IMHO, the original film was based on a pretty silly concept with equally pretty silly characters.

But, as we all know, Hollywood is pretty much dead regarding the ability to come up with new stories, so the trend is to remake anything, even garbage. And then the remake the remake of the garbage.... This thing will never end....

The whole thing is so obvious and monotonous that I wonder why people pay to watch these borefests. Maybe sleeping pills do not work for everyone. Maybe people are not so discerning anymore. Maybe people pass most of the time browsing their cell phones so anything that is shown on the screen goes mostly unnoticed....who knows.

The only interesting thing (in a morbid way) is that our heroine burns a vagrant feline to a crisp... Oh well! I think that there are no more PETA members like in yesteryears...

The Northman (2022)

Visually interesting....

[1/10 · 14 May 2022]

... but that it is all Northman has in its favor.

It is another vengenace film, and we've seens tons vengenance films.

In Northman, we have the usual distorted notions of honor, severed limbs and heads, and blood spurting from open wounds. It does not even classify, as a "guy film" because it is somewhat dumb and slow and too artsy.

I'd rather watch Conan (with Arnie, of course) for the umpteenth time than enduring 30 minute of Northman.

Well, at least, the Vikings look like Vikings... (remember Heimdall in Thor?

Black Site (I) (2022)

Black site?

[1/10 · 7 May 2022]

No....

It should be called Back Hole.

A Black Hole for ideas, entertainment, originality.... Well, it is really bad, sort of a stupid, very generic and forgetable "action" film with the required dose of social commentary. Thirty second after the "movie" ended I could not remember what it was about. The only interesting thing in it were the desert shots. But, we can Google these things right?

And this thing of tough girls (with noodle arms) who look like that typical soccer mom who organizes PTA cookie sales beating everyone and shooting like the best marksman in the universe is getting old.

All in all, there is nothing here.

The Aviary (2022)

Two idiots lost in the desert talking about nothing.

[1/10 · 1 May 2022]

The title of the review summarizes the whole movie (sic).

There is nothing in it. Nothing. Zero. Nilch. Zilch. Nada

I've seen talks on Insurange Industry conferences that wore thrilling, exciting and rewarding compared to this little "gem".

I am sure that not even the artsy-fartsy can sit through this coma-inducing opus.

John and the Hole (2021)

Kids...

[1/10 · 18 April 2022]

The only redeeming factor is this otherwise dumpster fire is that it shows how values are evolving in our modern society.

Kids are taught to behave like this. We are forced to live with the "Me Me Me generation".

Everybody feel entitled. Nobody cares about consequences.

Depending on how you see it, the movie can either serve as a warning or as another tool to teach this awful generation how to.get away with murder and other antisocial behaviors.

As a movie, there is nothing in it. There is no story, the whole experience is pointless, it could have devolved into some torture porn film, but, thanks God, it did not.

I wonder how and why people get money to make these awful things.

Nova: Hindenburg: The New Evidence (2021) Season 48, Episode 9

New Evidence?

[1/10 · 11 April 2022]

Maybe Jimmy Hoffa did it....who knows?

There is nothing new here. The material presented is interesting, but they are only conjectures.

The tests presented are lab tests.... Field conditions are always completely different. The capacitor theory, the four minutes...yeah, right!

And I agree with another reviewer: The narrator sucks. Gosh, she should be working as an elevator voice announcing the floors...

Moonfall (2022)

More of the same, more of the same.

[1/10 · 29 March 2022]

The trend continues, the woke banging too.

I do not ming dumb, far fecthed ideas on sci fi films. I do like the escapism they provide. Moonfall should be only this: dumb escapism.

But they messed up the film with the usual concepts.

I rather wacth sci fi from the 50's than films like this.

More Than Robots (2022)

Let's all sing kumbaya, right?

[1/10 · 24 March 2022]

Everything is about winning.

Everybody wants the best job, the most good looking partner, the perfect life....

This thing about not winning is good only in Disney's movies.

Life is hard. Get used to it.

Hellbender (2021)

Another....

[1/10 · 13 March 2022]

...women-emporwement movie of the week.

One word can be used to described this mediocre effort: Meh!

What we see here is a powerful duo, mother and daughter, who controls forces beyond the normal as they are witches...Wow! Be fearful, because nothing can stop them, except for the pretty bad and annoying band they belong to, the silliness of the plot, the somewhat amateurish production and acting, and the obvious conclusion.

If you are a air-headed female teen you may enjoy it. If you are a fan of the Twilight silliness this a movie for you. If you have two working neurons in your brain, you'll pass it.

The Seed (II) (2021)

It is one of those films that it is so bad that....

[1/10 · 10 March 2022]

....it stinks like a overflown septic tank.

Yes, society is devolving. Our collective IQ is decreasing together with our vocabulary, because I have the impression that the only words learned by people nowadays are the f... and the s... words. It is unbelievable.

Pretty soon we will be communicating using grunts and gestures. Mark my words.

Now, the whole "movie" is a bomb, a big bomb. The girls are annoying, their conversation is as pleasant as hearing nails scrathing a chlakboard. They are not funny, they are just unpleasant people. And the story (the thing that falls from space...) has been told in much better ways before. The Blob (1958), for example, is a masterpiece compared to this trainwreck.

And the space creature....omg...The word "lame" is an understatement to describe it. It just looks like a shell-less turtle.

All in all this a total bust. I wonder how and why these bombs get made.

Immanence (2022)

Amateurs having fun...

[1/10 · 4 February 2022]

Well, everything in "Immanence" reminds me of that group of fellow amateurs actors, writers, directors, etc. Who joined forces, collected their pocket money and decided to make an artsy(-fartsy) film.

The beginning is somewhat interesting, but the execution is somewaht clunky. After a while, contrary to its meaning, Immanence is all over the place and my interested evaporated. Possession, prophecies, science fiction, etc. Makes a heavy meal that is not easily digested.

Acting is also below par.

Nothing here.

Through the Glass Darkly (2020)

Through Nothing Actually

[1/10 · 8 January 2022]

This is one of those somewhat artsy-fartsy indie movies where nothing happens most of the time.

The writers, of course, think they are presenting something profound, but their writing is as deep as a rain puddle in the middle of the Sahara. They think that by broaching controversial subjects or embracing the usual agendas they will show how important or relevant their little opus is. But, as usual, this is not the case.

What we have here, as usual, is a ludricous and contrived plot that devolves to a final twist( the writers need to show that they are smart, right?). Actresses seem to plod through the story with bad acting and the whole thing is presented in a soporific way. But, in the end, of course, we are presented with the twist. And the villain is, of course, who you thought the villain would be, or wanted to be.

It is a movie tailored to the folks who see the world through tunnel vision.

Commando Ninja (2018)

Stupid fun!

[8/10 · 5 January 2022]

You gotta love a film whose tagline is "50% commando, 50% ninja, 100% American".

The 1980's has produced some of the "greatest" classic action films, "Commando Ninja" simply continues this tradition with "great" dialog, "fast-paced" action scenes, "top-notch" special effect, an "intelligent" plot and lots of explosions, decapitations, amputations and severed arteries.

I bet Stallone and Schwarzenneger must feel a little envious for not being part of this cinematographic masterpiece.

And best of all, it has been dubbed!

Commando Ninja is the best thing I've seen in a long while. Kudos to the Freench for making one of the best American Action films!

The Scary of Sixty-First (2021)

It is scary...

[1/10 · 21 December 2021]

But not because it is a horror film, it is just a horrid work done by derranged people.

Oh God! Can't people write stories with, at least, somewhat likeable characters? After 15 minutes or so I was wishing for all of them to die, disappear, be transported to another dimension because all of them were exaspereting and disgusting human beings.

There is too much talk in a strange, unpleasant and somewaht repulsive, gross artsy-fartsy film where, as usual, ugly sex and violence are mixed into something that is akin to a dumpster filled with decomposing garbage. Which means that for some folks it will become some sort of cult film.

Some may argue that it is an allegory, others that it has a political message. In my opinion, it is just something that shows that there a lot of perverts with a camera in their hands.

Hostage (I) (2021)

Another female empowerment movie ofthe week.

[1/10 · 12 December 2021]

Alas, I guess that people got this idea of empowerment completely wrong. But I can be wrong and a cheerleader with noodle arms holding a bloodied 10-pound ax is what people had envisaged.

Anyway, the film is as atrocious as one of its poster (the cheerleader and the ax...). Acting is awful, the f-word is used ad-nauseam (sometimes, while watching these "masterpieces", I have the impression that the whole English vocabulary is composed of the s-word and the f-word, only). No character in this mess is likable (I thought Canadians were nicer people). And, as usual, we have people behaving as brainless morons.

Another movie that soon will be found on the $0.99 Walmart discount bin.

The Hating Game (2021)

Idiotic and formulaic rom-com

[1/10 · 12 December 2021]

Boy, oh boy.

Two workers who hate each other end up falling in love... Haven't we seen this millions of times before?

Aren't there other stories to be told?

Anyway, to try and improve and old and beaten-to-death formula voice-overs were added, the cutesy factor was ramped up all the way to eleven, and the dialog was morphed into a unrealistic and forced mess. (who talks and acts like that?) Ah....we also have the expected upbeat songs interspersed throughout the movie. And everything was as over the top as the main actress red lipstick.

Nothing new nor interesting here.

Watering my plants was more stimulating.

The Unforgivable (2021)

Unformidable...

[1/10 · 2 December 2021]

Sandra Bullock's character deserved life without the possibility of parole. In this way we would be spared another Netflix abomination.

God... Netflix only produces garbage. They never cease to surprise me because they always make something that is worst than what came before. It seems like they are traveling through an endless dark pit of bad ideas.

Anyway, back to the film. Sandra bullock, as most movie stars look awful without make-up. And she looks her worst in this depressing, grim and contrived creation. Her dead and flat face approach to her character is a major let-down.

The film was supposed to be a tale of redemption, writers used the fact that Sandra's character killed a police officer (I guess police officers are worse than Satan reincarnated, right?) to make her look more appealing and sympathetic to a certain viewership. But it did not work, at least not for me.

As the time passes, the whole thing devolves into a ridiculous, trite and stupid plot where almost no one behave as real human beings, until we reach the plot twist....then things really become idiotic. It has absolutely no credibility.

Summarizing: Unforgivable is a film that deserved the death penalty. Because it is bad, really bad.