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Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Avatar: The Treading Of Water 4/10

[4/10 · 21 December 2022]

I don't have any dislike for the first Avatar film released in 2009. It was a competent sci fi/action flick with a cool premise and a nice array of exciting action set pieces. It had many negatives however. The characters were paper thin, the dialogue veered between banal and complete cringe, the designs of the creatures and planet of Pandora felt quite derivative despite how nice everything looked and, which has been noted many times before, the story is a straight up reskin of much better films such as Dances With Wolves and Fern Gully. However, despite its many shortcomings, it still managed to rise above them and be mildly entertaining.

The same CANNOT be said of its sequel. Wow, what an utter SLOG. This film is a chore to sit through. An endurance test. 3 hours is a long time, but if the film is compelling enough, it can whizz by. Not in this case. The story, which can be written on the back of a fingernail, cannot justify the obscene bum-numbing length. From this point i'll list the pros and cons in bulletpoint form:

PROS: -The visuals look lovely as you'd expect. I wouldn't say they are a massive upgrade from the 2009 film, but they certainly dazzle. The 3D as you can expect is absolutely masterful. Not gimmicky, just completely immersive.

-Stephen Lang. I won't spoil anything regarding his purpose in this film but he's easily the most fun character in these films, easily. One dimensional to the max, but that's perhaps part of his charm.

CONS:

-The runtime. The film had no right being this long. It feels padded out and bloated with looooots of filler.

-The dialogue. Oh boy, the dialogue. I don't expect every character to speak like a Shakespeare character but come on. Sample quote 'I don't speak English to buttholes'. The bulk of the most offensively bad lines came from Sully's kids who can't go a sentence without saying 'bro' and 'cuz'. Because of course if you're born on a alien planet without access to humans, you'd talk like that(??). Sully doesn't speak like that. Baffling. James Cameron having a 'hey fellow kids' moment.

-Unlikeable/boring characters. Never found Jake Sully a particularly engaging character (perhaps a result more of Sam Worthington's pancake-flat wooden performance) and here is no different. At least he had the compelling aspect of being a paraplegic who is now put into a strange body where he has freedom to fully live and move around. Now he's a fully formed Na'avi and that interesting dynamic is all gone. His personality is basically 'i hate humans and love my family'. I was completely passive to him ever being in peril. I detested his stupid annoying children, they were aggressively irritating. Neytiri is still...there. The inhabitants of the new water location are also....there. By the way try and guess the character Kate Winslet plays because i couldn't work it out!. There's a reason Avatar gets a lot of flack for 'having no cultural importance' despite being the biggest film of all time...and it's because the characters are absolutely awful. They all speak the same, look the same, they really really love nature don't you know?? There's no real variety and that's a hindrance.

The story. The humans are back and the Na'avi have to move. No, that's it, that's the story. 13 years of writing and that's the best way they could move the story forward.

I was completely indifferent to how this film unfurled. A deeply disappointing 2nd entry in the series. Certainly not looking forward to any successive sequels after this. Might check them out on TV but certainly won't be making the effort to drive to the theatre, i don't care if they play it on a screen the size of the Grand Canyon.

I've seen people declaring the film a masterpiece and showering it with praise. They're clearly blinded by the pretty colours because there's nothing behind it all. Sorry, i'm not so easily fooled. All spectacle, no substance. Visually mindblowing, narratively braindead 4/10.

Snowman (I) (2022)

Unbeleivably awful 1/10

[1/10 · 16 December 2022]

Thought i'd try this film out as i haven't seen many foreign language films before, especially Punjabi ones. And i have to say that i was stunned by how godawful this film was. I wasn't expecting a masterpiece by any metric, but the entire film felt like a joke, like i was being pranked.

For a start, the film is unintentionally hilarious on many fronts, including the soundtrack which is intrusively loud and the lyrics to the songs are comedically terrible ('What is happening? What is happening? What is happening?' Indeed! WTF is actually happening??). The story was both threadbare and didn't make much sense, the acting was laughable with everyone either absurdly over-the-top or in a coma, and the director thought he was cool by making almost every character walk in slllloooo -mootiiiooon constantly even when doing something as mundane as pouring a cup of water.

The story and characters didn't hold my attention and i didn't care how it ended. I saw another review saying they were on the edge of their seat. Yes, i'l admit i was too, desperate for the credits to roll so i can do a Usain Bolt impersonation from my seat to the exit.

Dire!!! Avoid this garbage at all costs unless you want your sanity tested.

Jurassic World Dominion (2022)

Overlong, dull dino slog now with added 'remember that thing from that other film??'

[3/10 · 18 June 2022]

I'll do this in bulletpoints since i honestly can't summon the energy to thoroughly examine this gigantic turd.

THE BAD: -It's 2 and half hours long but felt like 8.

-Legacy characters brought back but don't do or say anything especially memorable. None of the old spark is there. Feels like fanfiction. Alan and Ellie actually meet each other again for the first time and the first thing they say to each other is each other's names! *thrusts elbow into audiences pelvis* LOOK AUDIENCE, IT'S THOSE PEOPLE FROM THE FIRST FILM AND THEY JUST SAID THEIR NAMES SO YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE!!

-Dialogue is either unmemorable or awkward/cringeworthy.

-The 'humour' is TERRIBLE. Lots of jokes made but my almost packed screening didn't react to any of them. The original films had humour but it was done in a very effective way and didn't completely deflate the tension of a scene. If the characters in the film are joking around CONSTANTLY whilst in peril and not taking it seriously...why the hell should i?

-The action scenes mainly fall flat, no real tension. Very noisy and loud but not scary in the slighest. Remember the kitchen scene in JP1? Can you actually imagine a director being talented enough to devise a set piece as frightening and edge-of-your-seat as that in a modern JP film?? Colin T isn't your man for the job.

-CGI looks rushed and unimpressive in a lot of places.

-Remember the finale of Fallen Kingdom? Set up an awesome 3rd film with dinos rampaging around the world, right?......well tough, you're getting a film mainly about locusts!

-Crap villain

GOOD: -Jeff Goldblum unsurprisingly gets the best lines -Fantastic scene with Claire being stalked by a dino as she hides under the water. Superb use of music and tension. Would've liked more of that slow building dread but instead we get Crash, Bang, Wallop nonstop.

-A motorbike chase scene is mildly thrilling -It finally ended

3/10

JP franchise rank: -Jurassic Park (1993) -Jurassic Park The Lost World (1997) -Jurassic World (2015) -Jurassic Park 3 (2001) -Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom (2018) -Jurassic World Dominion (2022)

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)

Average MCU entry with a horror twist.

[5/10 · 9 May 2022]

I do feel 5 stars is maybe too soft on this film the more I think of it. I'll try and keep this concise.

Wanda is the villain which is odd for a start since I assumed Wandavision wrapped up her arc from manically unhinged town enslaver to a person who recognises her issues and wants to be a better person. But no, she's back to being evil again now because... evil book? Ugh. Olsen does an adequate enough job as Wanda but the attempts to make the character menacing completely misfire. And I get shes meant to be off the deep end but 'I want to go and be a mum in a different universe' is a deeply uninteresting villain motivation.

America Chavez is simply not a compelling character. She has the ability to enter any universe and has 2 mothers (I'm not joking) who she inadvertedly ends up getting sucked into another universe due to her uncontrolled powers, but aside from that we don't know anything about her. What are her hobbies? Why does she look so healthy and clean despite being constantly on the run? How does she know she's seen 73 universes, does she keep track in a notebook? Why are her portals star-shaped? She knows there's no alternate version of her because she checked?... she checked every universe from top to bottom? Err.... ok.

The action. There's only many times you can watch a character shoot magic orbs and beams from their hands before it all gets a tad tedious. The action was chaotic, draining and badly shot in places. And the bombardment of CGI overload helps dull any excitement. The Mordo vs Strange fight with its shaky cam and cheap looking set looked like something done for YouTube.

Dialogue is largely underwhelming and exposition-driven. The characters mainly say things that further the plot. The beginning scene has the characters run towards The Book of Vishanti and Chavez actually says 'look, The Book of Vishanti!' even though its clearly visible. That's just one example.

The much hyped Illuminati segment was dire. Aside from Mordo, the rest of them looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else. Really phoning their lines in with a deer in the headlights look on their faces. I'm sure they all got paid handsomely to appear in this film, surely a little bit of emoting isn't too much to ask?? And Captain Carter's reveal was a head scratcher. Randomly throwing her shield at Stephen and then doing a ridiculous dramatic pose before calmly sitting down. I struggled not to laugh. And Reed Richards, 'the smartest man in the world' gives Wanda a heads up in regards to what his teammates weakness is. Real big brain there, Richards.

Soundtrack was serviceable. Nothing really memorable going on here.

The Bruce Campbell cameo. Wow. It felt like a scene from a particularly bad Adam Sandler film or some crap kids film. Absolutely horrible, what was Sam Raimi thinking?? Would Doctor Strange really put a spell on someone so they assault themselves for 3 weeks? Why would you accuse someone of stealing a superheroes costume when you could have brought it from a fancy dress shop? Saw this film in a packed theatre and aside from some chortles, everyone was just confused.

Zombie Strange should have been created with CGI. It literally just looks like Benedict Cumberbatch in a cheap supermarket Halloween mask. The concept was cool though and Wong's reaction was brilliant.

Lots of mistakes made the cut. Some scenes characters are obviously over dubbed as you can see they aren't moving their mouths. The octopus attack scene has an extra run past the camera THREE seperate times in succession. Wanda's kid has a British accent for his first line. Very clumsy.

Post credit scene is hilarious. Charlize Theron turns up looking like a Power Rangers villain before saying some guff about fixing another universe. They must have run out of money at this point, it looks like a CW scene.

The film does have some striking shots and imagery. Wanda using her dreamwalking abilities for the first time is a fantastic scene that's quite unsettling.

It feels like a film that could have done with an extra 20-30 minutes added on. When all is said and done, I think I would actually prefer to watch Sam Raimi's Spiderman 3. At least that had quotable dialogue and some nifty action scenes. To summarise, the film runs along at a decent pace, and it is entertaining enough, but the story here is absolutely dire and even though the horror direction is a refreshing change to the usual Marvel formula, it's not enough to compensate for this film's many, many flaws.

Parallel Mothers (2021)

Strangely unengaging, disjointed slog

[5/10 · 20 January 2022]

Excellent acting all across the board from the cast but that's where my praise ends. The story begins with Janis (Penélope Cruz) who wants to locate where her deceased great grandad is so she can give him a proper burial. She then gets pregnant with the guy leading the excavation, and whilst in the maternity ward she forms a friendship with a much younger woman, Ana, who is also pregnant. This plot thread comprises the main chunk of the story. The main conflict of the film is that SPOILER START the 2 women's children were swapped in the hospital. Suspicions first arise when the excavator guy says the child looks nothing like him. Janis then tells Ana about the switch up SPOILER END. It then wraps with Cruz's character successfully finding her great grandfather's grave and there's some profound quote about how the horrors of war are never forgetten..... eh? I was baffled as to how this plot thread was suddenly made to be the prominent feature of the film at the last minute.

I have to make it clear that I am not opposed to films that move at a snails pace as long as the characters are interesting and premise is engaging. But all of it fell flat for me. And it doesn't even have a cinematic flair about it, it just looks like a basic TV movie. And the fact that the 2 seperate plot lines regarding the excavation and the relationship had no real thematic connection was absolutely baffling. I just could not empathise with the characters and it just felt very inconsequential, small, sparsely plotted and drab. Great acting and the dialogue was strong but extremely lacking elsewhere.

5/10.

The Stand Up Sketch Show (2019– )

Absolutely dreadful.

[1/10 · 31 January 2021]

Didn't so much as grin once, never mind laugh. A lot of the 'comedians' seem to think pulling a funny face or jumping about using a silly voice will disguise the dreadful, unfunny nature of the material. I'd like to think comedy isn't dead but the fact this made it onto a mainstream television platform says otherwise.

Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020)

A poorly constructed, unfunny, boring mess

[3/10 · 9 October 2020]

Although my memories of them are quite foggy, I watched the first two Bill and Ted films as a child and remember enjoying them very much. They were fun and entertaining. But I can't say I was expecting much from this third entry, especially as its a dreaded belated sequel, and I'm glad I didn't set my expectations very high. This film is DISMAL.

Alex Winter gives it his all and remains an engaging, likeable goofball with his puppy dog enthusiasm. Keanu however, looks completely wooden and almost... embarrassed to be there? I think years and years of playing stoic, angry action heroes has dulled his comic abilities. The 'comedy' is inept. There's a killer robot and, get this.... he keeps telling people his name. Laughing uncontrollably yet? They also bump into future versions of themselves. These moments too don't even remotely trouble the funny bone unless you think Bill and Ted having English accents is hysterical. Oh, and they have two teen daughters who act the same as them. (weren't they meant to be boys?) I think that's the extent of the 'jokes' so I'll move onto the 'plot' .

Bill and Ted are assigned the task of creating a song that will unite the world or else bad things will happen. They try and get it from their future selves and pretty much fail (but doesn't meeting their future selves mean that everything turned out OK? Nothing bad seems to have happened in the future as was threatened..) The teenage daughters meanwhile collect a bunch of famous musicians including Mozart, Jimi Hendrix... Kid Cudi (don't laugh), a... Japanese flutist and.. err... a strange african woman living in a cave...??? Because getting Jon Bonham or Dave Grohl (who is even in the film! What a waste!) as a drummer makes too much sense. They then gather on a bridge after escaping from Hell and perform the song that will unite the world. All coordinated by their daughters of course (who even profess to not having any musical talent) because... da future is femalez or some ultra woke guff. Is the song any good? No it isnt, it sounds like some sort of Mumford And Sons B side but with added synths.

I honestly can't encourage you to avoid this film enough, life is too short.