laurainmark Reviews

'Twas the Night Before Pride (2022)

Cute Animation for all ages

[7/10 · 1 November 2022]

A simplistic animation using a rhyme in the style of Twas the Night Before Xmas to tell the history behind Stonewall and pride. If you're in the community or an ally this is largely preaching to the choir. It won't sway those who reject those outside the norm, but it's a cute family friendly presentation to give the younger ones the history of the struggle for inclusivity and the benefits of an expanded view of family.

There is nothing inappropriate for youngsters and the little bits of humor referencing different subcultures within the community will fly well over the heads of those who are not intimately aware of them already.

It's a cute and safe bit of educational infotainment.

Hellraiser (2022)

Metaphorical Morality Play about Addiction

[5/10 · 10 October 2022]

While Clive Barker's Hellraiser was more about being careful what you wish for and the fallacy that evil can be controlled, This reimagining of Hellraiser plays out as a clear metaphor for how addiction can hurt the ones you love and others around you. The ouzzle box stands in for the source of addiction. It's almost as if they tried a bizarre mashup of Hellraiser and Requiem For a Dream.

The film is very heavy on interpersonal drama and somewhat light on horror. Of course, we all came for the Cenobites, but they play more of a cameo role in the first hour and only come center stage in the end.

Candyman (2021)

Less of a movie and more of an idea

[5/10 · 27 August 2021]

The film starts out by telling the original story reversed, with Helen being the monster. Then we get a different version where she was simply investigating an event that had not yet happened.

During the course of things. "Candyman" goes from being a metaphor for violence, then onward to being philosophical as being the monster within us all.

At times,he appears as a distorted reflection of the viewer, At other times. He is an invisible ghost.

After 5 different contradictory versions of Candyman, we meet the grown infant from the original and are presented with a story wherein Candyman is a creature born of his tortured mind as his art project.

Finally. We get Tony Todd summoned in his original Candyman form. But declaring that he is now a crusader for social justice.

I am 100% behind social reform and social justice. But the message is delivered in such a convoluted manner as to be ineffective or flat-out pandering and beneath the dignity that the message deserves.

If you are an unmedicated schizophrenic with no sense of linear time or object permanence then you might enjoy and follow this as a slasher film.

Otherwise, go in viewing it as an experimental arthouse piece presenting ideas for discussion lest you get lost in candyman alternating from literal, figurative. Metaphorical, and philosophical.

Not a complete waste. But not a horror/slasher either.

Candyman is just a bait and switch to present ideas.

Shake (2013)

DaFuq I just watch?

[1/10 · 15 May 2021]

This "erotic thriller" cranks the "thrills" up to a 1 and reaches levels of "erotic" that one normally only finds at a church picnic.

The cast lacks any real actors except for Clifton Powell who demonstrates here that he won't turn down any project as long as there is a value meal in it for him.

The acting and production value is about what you could expect from an ad for an adults only phone line.

A group of reasonably attractive men try their hand at being fully clothed strippers who occasionally go so far as lifting their shirt for loose change.

The plot is the only mystery in this thriller. I could not find one anywhere. A weak attempt to introduce action and a story comes 9 minutes before the end as if they suddenly realized that they should at least pretend to have a plot, but it still fails at being coherent.

In short, the title and box cover promises dancing and eroticism that it fails to deliver on any level.

A 2.5 second blurred sex scene and the briefest glimpse of a male rear at the tail end of the movie only serves as an insincere apology for making the viewer sit through 70 minutes of nothing before getting anything that rises above the PG level into the PG13 realm.

Seriously, male "strippers" in full long pants while drunk women toss obvious Monopoly money at them, and even then it's just the one dollar bills tells you all you need to know about the production value.

This movie made me cringe so hard, it gave me a crinjury.

The Mystery of the Black Mummy (2003 TV Movie)

Re-Examining known mummification

[7/10 · 21 April 2021]

A case study of an African mummy of a child that predates any known instance of deliberate mummification. It dispels the myth that Egyptians invented the idea and process.

My chief complaint is not with the film. It is with the researchers who did not take all due care to preserve and show reverence for the body in their haste to resolve the mystery. Consequently, new technology is unlikely to be able to solve the remaining questions posed by this case.

It does, however, track the origin and probable culture that produced this mummy. We may never know why they wanted to preserve this child or even confirm that mummification was the true intent, however, this documentary provides much fodder for the lay sociologist to speculate about these people.

Letters to Satan Claus (2020 TV Movie)

Silly premise. Silly execution.

[5/10 · 21 December 2020]

The premise signals not to take the movie serious so lower your expectations from the outset. The movie does deliver on some tidbits of pitch dark humor and fun gory surprises. If you are a person who laughs at inappropriate jokes then you will find a few sensible chuckles scattered about the film. I have two chief complaints: 1. It did not go far enough with the dark humor. It felt like they were tempering the laughs for fear of being too offensive. They sandwhich the dark bits between light-hearted 'human' momments. This hurts the pacing and is unnecessary. Anyone who signs on for the premise of a Santa letter to Satan wants to be taken on a full blown offensive humor ride. Spare us the feel good coddling. We don't need it. 2. Christmas movies traditionally have a happy, hopeful, ending filled with redemption, and this movie is no exception, but it feels like wimping out here. I didn't want to smile at the conclusion. I wanted a sick punchline to make me groan out a wicked laugh, so I feel cheated in that sense. Bottom line: Fun premise with a few fun momments. Worth a watch, but falls short of its dark promise.

Found (2016– )

Neat premise poorly executed

[4/10 · 25 March 2020]

Every day people find garbage and imagine it is a valuable lost treasure. Then along comes a team of aspiring historians who blow smoke up the object finders a** using wild speculation with little basis in reality. They then use pseudoscience to "solve" the mystery.

Spoiler alert: no object on any episode turns out to be valuable or have any provable link to anything or anyone.

If you see pirate's treasure under every dirt mound and don't want to accept reality then this is the show for you. If, however, you are reasonably intelligent and well grounded, then strap yourself to your seat because this show will make your eyes roll hard enough to knock you down.

The Famous Joe Project (2012)

Feels unscripted and real

[7/10 · 18 February 2020]

I will admit I was initially drawn in by the cuteness of Joey Capone and the ridiculously handsome Aryeh-Or. As I watched, however, it felt real and unscripted. It gives you a voyeuristic feeling reminiscent of Andy Warhol's "Trash". It made a statement about how voyeuristic, exhibitionist, and vain society has become because of the internet. I honestly can't tell if that was intentional or just my own take. It frequently felt like the director/producer was trying to be deeply philosophical, but missing the mark like a stoned college student. If nothing else the movie makes for a good conversation starter among friends.

Peyote (2013)

Minimalist story that draws you in

[7/10 · 17 February 2020]

The movie opens with an endearing scene that establishes the innocence and adorable immaturity of Pablo. We soon meet Marco who is fun, but shrouded in toxic machismo. The pretext of finding peyote leads them on a journey where they discover feelings for one another. Despite being painfully uneventful I was too invested in the charectors to stop watching. The relationship was like a slow motion train wreck where you just want Pablo to quit whining and grow up and want Marco to stop being a jerk and open up and for the two of them to just kiss already and be together. This film is so relatable for the frustrated romantic in us all.

Eat Brains Love (2019)

Fun but nothing new

[4/10 · 16 February 2020]

The bad dad joke in the title tells you the level of humor to expect. Sarah Yelkin from "Happy Death Day 2" is the big draw here. The big problem is that this movie suffers in comparison to the films it tries to copy. "Warm Bodies" did the zombie romance way better. "Ahh Zombies" did the zombie perspective better. "Cooties" did schoolyard carnage better. This film sets gore at about 7 and humor at 3. It pales in comparison to it's predecessors. Still, it's not a total wash. Get drunk with your friends and you can still have fun riffing on the cheesy scenes. I did sit through the credits...so I knew who to blame. This brings nothing new to the table. It's not one to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Men in Black: International (2019)

MIB the cash grab

[2/10 · 27 January 2020]

Don't disregard the positive reviews on here as they are far more entertaining and creative fiction than this dumbed down snoozefest that panders to children looking for a shiny distraction.

Just Mercy (2019)

Important story mis-marketed

[8/10 · 26 January 2020]

Powerful and emotion driven acting tells one of many injustices in our criminal system. I fear that some viewers may focus on only the primary case study and see it as a racism driven one off case story. In truth, it is one of over 140 recent cases of an innocent person being wrongly convicted and sent to death row. The common thread in all those cases is that the defendant is poor and can't afford a fair trial and defense in our broken criminal justice system. I blame the film's marketing for pitching it as a story about racial injustice in one man's case when really it is an important showcase about an unjust system in many men's cases. This is a "must see" film that deserves a broad audience and merits deep discussion.

Portals (2019)

Redefines cheesy

[1/10 · 20 January 2020]

This is not a sci-fi thriller to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. It will leave you breathless as you hang yourself to make the tedium stop.

Kids Say the Darndest Things (2019–2021)

Narcisistic, needy, unfunny

[1/10 · 8 October 2019]

Should be called "Tiffany Haddish says the neediest things". The host makes every moment about herself as she pathetically name drops her way through the show. It is clear the children are uncomfortable at the awkward attempts of the narcissistic host to make everything about herself. It was sad, awkward, unfunny, and a touch disturbing. This show can't be cancelled quickly enough. I've chuckled more during 60 Minutes than this failed attempt at forcing funny.

Point of No Return (1993)

Fun thriller with hopeful twist

[8/10 · 2 September 2019]

Bridget Fonda shows she can handle being a violent anti hero. She keeps you invested and rooting for her character throughout the film. It has held up very well over time and still works. It's reluctantly violent but fun. There are a few pacing issues, but I never did mind about the little things.

The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976)

They don't write them like this anymore but should.

[9/10 · 1 September 2019]

Saw it at the theater when I was 8 and it is likely why I love suspense, mystery, and horror to this day. Slow burn, unpredictable, takes a dark but fun turn. This movie will haunt you long after it is over. Might leave an almond aftertaste in your mouth though.

Boy Erased (2018)

Harms more than it helps

[5/10 · 24 April 2019]

The film attempts to paint an image of doom and oppression too quickly. It rightly demonizes the bad guys quickly by having them espouse all the negative myths and misconceptions about homosexuality, but in the haste to resolve the story they fail to refute or expose the misinformation as being false. In short, it's as if they let homophobes have a backhanded jab at gays, but thinks the ending about gay conversion being bad excuses it and grants absolution. As a gay person, I feel sold out by the producers attempt to be our friend by giving a half hearted pro gay story.

The Grinch (2018)

Watered down remake

[6/10 · 17 March 2019]

Another re-telling of celebrating the birth of Christ. Just kidding. It's about excluding and distrusting someone different from us until they are driven to justify our mistrust. But it is narrated by Pharell, so be happy. In the end, the people of Whoville befriend the outsider so they can be smug about having one green friend. Of course, they could have just built a wall. All in all, a more polite retelling of a classic that brings nothing new to the party beyond rap versions of the Grinch song. But seriously, is there a Who Christ? They have Christmas so it stands to reason that there was one. It is not addressed in this version either though. Oh well, I'll ask around. Maybe Horton heard something.