ThePolarOne Reviews

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

Imptastic

[5/10 · 23 January 2005]

Early on this film secures itself as cheap tat. A sorority initiation of paddling, whipped cream and showering may capture your gaze, but is definitely not Oscar material. The Imp unleashed in the mall's bowling alley is some kind of Eddie Murphy wannabe crossed with Freddy Krueger and a game show host. The effects, soundtrack and titles all seem to be the result of Amiga programming or something equally as primitive. The dialogue is cheesy, with only a glimmer of hope from the scream queen Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead).

It's fantastic. Every piece of awful direction and misplaced jokes is just side splitting. Recommend it with a crate of beer and Troll 2 (1990) to follow.

Zombie (1979)

The slowest zombies in an equally slow film

[4/10 · 11 September 2001]

What would you expect from a film with the title 'Zombie Flesh-Eaters' (UK title). i) Zombies - yes they were there. ii) Gore - there was gore. iii) Excitement - ???

The title suggests that this will be a bloody mass of zombies taking out as many walking lunches as they can find. Unfortunately, at the rate of about 10 metres an hour these zombies are unlikely to find their way to the mall, let alone pursue are able bodied heroes. However, the dim and bland 70s style 'heroes' find it incredibly hard to move, supposedly out of fright, instead of just walking away to find the nearest blunt instrument to bludgeon the dead-beats to death with. With such an admired horror director as Fulci I expected reasonable pace, chills and gore. All of which were in small quantities and far apart.

The best moment came from an underwater sequence of fantastic stunts were a zombie attempts to wrestle with and eat a live shark. A truly unique scene. Otherwise I was disappointed. Aside from some good photography this was a wasted opportunity.

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999 Video)

Probably the worst film ever made

[1/10 · 3 April 2001]

Admittedly From Dusk Till Dawn was a hard act to follow. There are few horror fans who would disagree that it is a very good movie. However, that is no excuse for the 90 minutes of my life that were savagely taken from me. Forced to watch a film which lacked any forms of good dialogue, story-line or directorial skills. To begin with the overuse of point of view shots becomes absurd too quickly; dog POV, push-up POV, telephone cable POV, fan POV, behind bats teeth POV. At first it's amusing as if it were a spoof. But soon you find yourself reaching for the eject button. If you do last any longer you'll find totally unexplained plot details, such as, why the hell are vampires robbing a bank with humans? And how does Danny Trejo suddenly turn up towards the end of the film after being slaughtered in the first reel. Despite the talent on offer here, everything you could think of is a let down and an example of how to not win any support from the audience. I think the key to this failure is the abysmal writing and directing from Scott Spiegel. Let's campaign for this guy to stop. If he hasn't already.

Freakshow (1989)

A mind-warping low budget mess

[6/10 · 1 April 2001]

What can be said about a film where narrative form, editing and reality are totally foreign concepts. You may watch this film stone cold sober, but by the end you will feel as though your mind is jelly and that jelly is a appetizing treat that many a dwarfish freak would eat. Cue padded wallpaper.

This is allegedly a group of short stories, but no one seemed to mention to the writer that stories need endings, and if your going to film a ten minute James Bondesque strip sequence with ten very eighties looking woman they have to get their tits out! However, despite all it's insanity and pure weirdness it is in fact a throughly entertaining film with belly laughs throughout.

"Society"

Tin Cup (1996)

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful

[9/10 · 3 March 2001]

This film is simply the top of the tree, the cream of the crop, the 7 iron from Cup's Caddy. For pure all American smoozy romance, some classic lines and probably Don Johnson's best film (and Costner's). Of all the sports in the world you would rarely imagine golf to be the one that is used so rightly to put life into perspective. This is a must see, a heart warmer and a goddam classic.

Return to Horror High (1987)

A twisting spoof with tasteless and comical deaths

[4/10 · 2 March 2001]

Maybe not a classic, but most certainly entertaining. Cleverly using the old film within a film approach, probably so that they don't need to worry about getting the boom mic in shot. With so many classic moments, the cameo by George Clooney, the comedy decapitation, squeeky old porn loving janitor, biology teachers murder, a lovely rape sequence and so much more. One of the films attempts at a more inventive story-line is with a slightly confusing mix of is it real, is it the film in film and is it all being made up as they go along, and who are they? This is a unusual film but worth a watch. Take your brain out your skull for an hour and a half and you may have some fun. You could even use it as a blueprint of how to make your own dodgy horror flick.

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

The fastest, most vicious zombie flick in town

[9/10 · 2 March 2001]

For anyone that loves the living dead, whether it's the films or just your pals at the local cemetery, then this is the ultimate film for you. The zombies are fast and furious all the way through. The action is relentless with full on gore, and the grand finale is simply beautiful. This film re-invents the living dead, giving them even more life. It's just a shame the sequels were not up to it's standard.