Al_Truist80 Reviews

The Beastmaster (1982)

Hmm, that music sounds familiar -Yes! It's the theme to Battlestar Gallactica! My take on a furry fantasy.

[5/10 · 22 February 2005]

I could just tell when I heard that crazed cackling from the crones that their faces weren't going to be pretty. Their cauldron tracking device informed me we're going to be treading broadly familiar ground.

On the whole, this was sub-Conan antics in post-Conan style, another muscle bound take on the Joseph Campbell "hero myth" Stone successfully (albiet heavy-handedly) presented in almost comic book style in Conan the Barbarian, that same year. This follows a similar pattern: lone, toned outsider on mission to avenge personal grievance with the aid of similarly predicated cohorts, bravely surpasses assorted fantasy hazards with a bit of self-discovery on the way, before finally vanquishing the evil-doers as fantasy writers know them. Unique selling point: our man has the ability to communicate with animals (a skill he learnt in a cow's uterus!), befriending two mischievous ferrets (his cunning), one immensely strong eagle (his eyes), and a huge *black* tiger (his strength, duh. What did you think?). Add to that the requisite massive blade and a sharp boomerang thing and you've got yourself a slightly offbeat but otherwise genre defining sword and sorcery film.

Entertaining as sword-wielding Barbarians are, I prefer my 80's fantasy heroes to have a bit more charisma than your Singers and your Arnies, relying on wit and intellect over brawn and steel in the face of overwhelming opposition; the Tolkein model of plucky heroism (Dragonslayer is a good example of this with the Galen character). That or a good magic ring.

This film is more fun than Red Sonja and (probably) that old John Norman creation "Gor", but it scores low on the tension front. Dar's nemeses proved unequal and underwhelming, lacking that 'omnipotent threat factor' of the best of the genre. The music was poor and repetitive -redolant of other Italian sword and sorcery scores, plus a hint of Battlestar Gallactica. Adequate special effects, but lighting and camera-work obviously didn't catch the 'beauty' of the landscape so they went for the old tinted-lens look. Needed more monsters and traps (but I think we're talking low budget here).

On the plus side,Tanya Roberts was a suitable damsel in distress/ warrior woman, providing as much distraction as those thieving ferrets. Those eyes!

The Jewel of the Nile (1985)

Nearly but not quite

[13 October 2002]

This is a commendable sequel to the first film bar some ugly racial stereotyping and AWFUL music. The odd funny one-liners, location photography and honest lead performances cover the fact that the characters (and plot) become more unconvincing as the film progresses, culminating in a veritable directors mess of an (anti) climax. 5.5/10

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

When CGI movies go bad...

[15 September 2002]

Jurassic Park 2 is a prime example of the over-hyped mass

market, computer-generated nonsense that seems to flood

Hollywood these days. This had it's roots in the mid-nineties with

big-budget 'disaster movies', when we were all *so* exited by the

CGI revolution. I, for one, was not.

I love dinosaurs, and anything to bring them back to life as near

accuratly as we can is welcomed. My biggest gripe is that the

dinosaurs seem to be 'acting', doing what the film crew wants and

rarely acting as animals should. One case in point is when the

humans are being pursued; the advancing monster/s will roar and

growl at random and stomp their feet. If you watch an extant

carnivore, such as a lion, it will make barely a sound even when

stalking on dry leaves. It's vocalisations, if any, will be for one of

several reasons: to let its young hear and follow; to flush its prey

from hiding; or the most plausible in a movie's case: to

startle/confuse it's prey into freezing, giving the hunter time to close

the gap. None of this was evident, and don't get me started on the

Velociraptor's... CGI is good -and getting better, but we still seem to be at the

stage where it is hard to be convinced by extinct or mythical

creatures; their movement , their behaviour etc.

You could also argue against the predictable plot (a combination

of King Kong, Doyle's original novel and Crighton's poor

written-for-films sequel) mediocre acting (again) and by-the-numbers screenplay that reaquaints us with all the modern

stereotypes. Pete Postlethwaite is wasted and Jeff Goldblum has

far too many know-it-all quips. Plenty of dumb people for dinosaur fodder. They scream; they die.

An interesting paradox is developing in these movies: as the

dinosaurs get more 'realistic', the humans get less so.

There is not nearly enough gore. Although there are good

arguements against blood 'n guts to needlessly rachet up

audiences, blood and death would have been frequent in the

prehistoric world. Spielberg is unusually restrained here, this

being the man who directed the nerve-racking Jaws. Jurassic Park is still the mainstay of dinosaur movies, and until

this can be bettered (which I believe it can) we shall have to be

content with its increasingly poor siblings, such as this, which are

not much better than other dull CGI monster fests currently doing

the rounds.

What Waits Below (1984)

What Went Wrong?

[8/10 · 12 April 2001]

Contains some plot spoilers.

I desperately tried to like this having first seen it aged eight, but what seemed exciting / scary back then, I find pretty lame now. It's in the style of Raiders of the Lost Ark or Romancing the Stone, but not half as good. Set in Central America (not in South America, where it claims Belize is ) the story follows the US Army setting up a low-frequency transmitter as a navigational aid to subs. As a precaution this 'beacon' is to be hidden deep underground and to help locate a suitable place is elite mercenary and caveman Rupert Wolfson. When men operating the transmitter mysteriously disappear, `Wolf' and some anthropologists help in the search which takes them deep into the mountain. Here they encounter unforeseen perils, including a race of temperamental albinos. Actually filmed in Alabama and Tennessee (Cathedral & Cumberland Caverns respectively) this suffers from dreadful acting and screenplay, plus lack of imagination as the 'mystery' unfolds (not to mention numerous continuity & editing errors) An atmosphere of intrigue and ambiguous wonder is created to (almost) good effect at the beginning, with the opening monologue discussing unexplored wonders of the Earth accompanied by eerie music. This ambience is lost after some badly directed action and almost ruins the following helicopter distorted lens sequence, meandering us through the unwelcoming landscape like a drunkard. `2001'-style wonder is paired with suspense as we enter the caverns, combining some good cave locations with matte artwork and photography. But the camera seems more interested in what our characters are doing. Before long the low budget is apparent and aside from some interesting monsters, we're treated to silly sets and costumes. Characterisation is based on racial stereotypes and the general level of stupidity of that person. Take our main character: he is suave Englishman Wolfson, acting as a consultant for the army; an expert

fighter and all around good-guy. No personality flaws, only bad dress

sense. Two ugly English (natch) play scientists who are specifically there to die. The female lead (obligatory love interest) is talkie (but not outspoken) Leslie. Working with the Anthropologists she helps extract long-dead remains but will scream when faced with a fresh one. Not too bright. The main American contingent play embarrassingly inept and unprofessional soldiers obsessed with working the transmitter as if their lives depended on it. Wolf's friend George's only importance to the plot is to tell Wolf about the mission. He is a lieutenant and an idiot. There are also several local Latin-Americans assisting the US, one is accident-prone Santos who acts as a plot device to attract the monsters. Acting is at best poor and veteran Robert Powell doesn't even try to get to grips with his (admittedly awful) script. Apparently the main script was being rewritten every day during the shoot and it shows! There are some good `Predator'-style effects as the humans are viewed as a pink glow through the Lemurians' eyes, but their rock-shattering scream was unconvincing. I did like the idea that the Lemurians are sensitive to ultra-sonic waves though. The plot badly loses its way. The buildup is painfully slow and when the 'mystery' is finally resolved, it's a real anti-climax (not giving anything away, let's say not exactly a Close Encounters moment) The idea of discovering creatures deep inside a tropical mountain landscape appealed to me, but `Secrets of the Phantom Caverns' is a letdown. Underground albinos!

Legend (1985)

'And lo, this was the culmination of four years research and countless dollars. And 'twas not good.'

[5/10 · 4 February 2001]

I usually like 80's fantasy movies, but this one doesn't do the genre any credit. One filmbook describes the film as being like a shampoo advert, and I concur with that. It's supposed to be enchanting but it comes across as trite and tacky. The makeup is largely pathetic, the script hackneyed, the acting unconvincing, the plot ridiculous (how do you stop sunlight using a Unicorn's horn?). There is minimal location shooting and we don't get a feeling of distance between the locations (how far is Darkness's tower is from the forest?) It doesn't even use matte backgrounds! Some of the interiors are detailed, but the camera seems more interested in the actors. The music is...interesting. But the bad points easily outweigh the good, particularly the directing which is truly AWFUL and the plot which is paper thin. This is a pretty poor film and one Ridley Scott must be embarrassed to have on his CV. If Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings is any better than this then it has my approval.

Rollerball (1975)

Neat idea, but too long

[12 November 2000]

The premise to Rollerball is good: set in the near future, war and hatred have been defeated, and all violence is channeled onto a corporation run ball game. The problem is it takes an hour before any real action starts, the writers being too interested in Caan's personal conflicts and the corporations desire to see him retire (otherwise it might mean the end of the game as they know it). The most effective scene in this first hour is a group of upper-class revellers (who you wouldn't normally associate with violence) having just seen one of the games, start blowing up fir trees in a fit of drunken bloodlust. It's quite a dark film in a Pre-Robocop kind of way, and similarly entertaining (the fast paced, well staged rollerball sequences were interesting, and reminded me of Solarbabies and Mad Max, but they are few in number). More effort should have gone into the editing: there were a lot of pointless scenes, needless panning shots, and over use of baroque music. It will really test your patience, despite some brilliant acting. It's worth the wait in the end though: a deadly showdown in which the sport becomes all out war where only the strongest will survive

Warlords of the Deep (1978)

Typical Kevin Connor 70's fantasy: it has it's style but not a lot

[6/10 · 28 October 2000]

One of director Connor and Producer John Darks' better efforts, but that's hardly a recommendation. On the plus side: some good location shooting at Malta Gozo, coupled with a few middling to poor studio sets and matte backdrops. This has a bigger-budget look to it than some of Connor's previous efforts (At The Earth's Core). The music is excellent and deserved better than this, it really gives the film added pace and an other-worldly air. Some of the effects are okay. What's missing: just about everything that's crucial in the making of a ‘good' film is absent here: adequate script, good acting, cohesive and workable plot , and crucial to any fantasy, convincing special effects. (BIG SPOILER) A hunk of rock from Mars has broken off (I think) and with it's inhabitants intact, crashes into the Atlantic Ocean whereby the Atlanteans, as they come to be known, rebuild their civilisation with themselves as the ruling class and ship-wrecked humans as the underclass, both struggling to survive against the erosion of time and the mutant creatures who also originated from Mars. Scene: some time in the future (1896) an English professor & his son are looking for the lost cit(ies) of Atlantis & it's supposed treasures at the Bermuda triangle. They don't tell this to the engineer Collinson (Doug McClure) who has prepared a diving-bell for them, the ship captain, or the three shipmates (proper pirate-types) who think this is just a marine reptile analysing expedition. They do find marine life, but one such specimen, an over-sized octopus, attacks the ship after an Atlantean statue is discovered by the bell. The four mariners and the bell (containing Collinson and the professors' son) are dragged under by the beast to Atlantis. After arriving, perfectly healthy, in a huge cavern, they are promptly captured by Atmir (an atlantean featuring typical atlantean well-groomed locks) and made to cross a mutant-infested swamp to get to their cities. Here our explorers are imprisoned by these evil gilled people, destined for the front line as replacements for the troops fighting the constantly attacking mutants. This is except for Peter Gilmore whose ‘superior British intelligence' is needed to fly the Atlanteans back from whence they came –but not before (gasp) they have conquered the Earth Nazi-style. They place this device on his head and he begins to see future visions of war and scientific advances (commence old stock footage of the Nazis and 20th century technology projected onto the walls) With his help they can build neutron bombs and become supreme rulers of Earth! So, he is also required to ‘INVENT' space travel to fly them back to Mars. Quite ambitious you think. But instead of trying to explain exactly HOW this man's intelligence will help them build rockets, the writer had evidently run out of ideas at this point and decided on the `let's just get out of here' routine that works in so many cheap adventure movies. After a mutant smashes the cell in –their cell is on the outer city walls closest to the monsters– the prisoners attempt to rescue their friend who is coming under the Atlanteans trance and soon to be given gills (how?) so he will never be allowed to leave. They aren't underwater, why the gills? Escape isn't tricky because most of the guards are busy fighting mutants. Atraxon (one of the Atlantean leaders mesmerising Gilmore) seems incapable of physically stopping them. They make their way out of the city and back across the swamps, pausing momentarily to evade obligatory mutants and dodge plastic piranhas thrown by the film crew. Back at the diving bell, they are ambushed by Atmir & pals (female guide: `they must have used the underground canals!' You ARE underground!), and despite being tossed around by Atmir's screaming water spell (you have to watch it) they escape in the bell. After some silly mutinous antics, the ship is sunk by the octopus who wants the statue back, and the remainder escape on a spare boat. The end? Another pressing detail unexplained: they're miles from anywhere with no rations, how will they survive? The acting is pretty lazy considering the talent, but they're only acting out the poor roles provided by the script. For example, to emphasise Doug McClure's stupidity, we have him, 1/3 of the way through, realising that this is not your average fishing foray. Daniel Massey and Cyd Charisse, possibly the most well-known to star, only stand around pretending to look authoritative and indomitable, barking out the occasional order. A waste of their talents, but why did they want to do this? The only really lively part is played by the Irish guy, but this stereotype is monster fodder. After he goes, Hal Galili and John Ratzenburger are left to fight amongst themselves as the bad duo. Which leaves me to discuss the effects. For the late seventies the effects are, to say the least, disappointing. Okay some monster set pieces / stop-motion photography were good when not climbing up miniature city walls and abusing gravity, but on the whole they are cheap-looking. The eel-thing near the start was a rubber outfit dangled by elastic in a fish tank. The octopus was okay, before it became clay and wire. The swamp mutants were either men in rubber suits or bad stop-motion , but they weren't ground-breaking in any department (but effectively scary for kids). Warlords is a diverting boys-own yarn clearly aimed at a younger audience. This is a shame because it could have been so much better after such a promising opening, but it only degenerates into well worn seventies cliche's, a climax of silly special effects and bad acting.