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The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Yes, I understood it. Yes, it was bad.
I don't care what you learned in your Philosophy courses, this movie wasn't any good. I don't say this because it was "too deep," because it wasn't, I say this because it was a film that failed miserably at everything it set out to do.
First off, the battle for Zion. This would have been interesting, had it not been a case of a bunch of minor characters being the focal point. Neo, Morpheus and Trinity are the central characters of this film, and they were nowhere to be found in what was supposed to the biggest action scene. While the concept was cool, it just came off as watching some kid you don't know at an arcade play video games. Sure, some of the stuff is neat, but there's no emotional attachment. I could have also done without this battle including every single war movie cliche ever. The momment I saw the kid tip his cart over, I knew exactly what was going to happen, and I was correct. Not because I'm smart, but because I've seen it done in dozens of other movies.
Then we get to the script. Here is an excerpt, more or less:
NEO: What am I supposed to do? ORACLE: You know what you're supposed to do. NEO: Ok. ORACLE: By the way, I'm a different actress, I better explain that every time I'm on screen.
This goes on for about 20 minutes or so and makes you want to put your lip over your head and suck your eyeballs out of the sockets. In fact, I'd say that a good 60% of the script consists of characters saying "You know what you need to do" "You know the answer" "When the time comes, you'll know." This is fine in a comic book or a novel, where we know a character's thoughts, and there's room for introspection, but on film it just doesn't work. Screenwriting 101, people.
Also, when did they replace the actors with wax statues? Keanu is Keanu, but even since Reloaded, the acting seemed to drop off. I've always thought that Morpheus was the most interesting character in Martix lore, and Larry Fishburne usually is a high point of the movies, but he sleepwalked through this one, mailed in every line and had a look on his face that seemed to say "I really don't wanna do this any more." This is probably due to the fact that they really didn't give any of the principal characters anything important or interesting to do. Morpehus was relegated to playing second banana to Niobi, which pretty much was a total betrayal of his character. The same guy who gave a speech to fire up Zion is now just sitting around being yelled at?
As for the philosophy stuff, there wasn't all that much in this one, which was one of the positives, because if I had to sit through another half hour speech about causality, I'd declare holy war on france. But not to fear, this one's chock full of religious symbolism. If you never made the connection that Neo was supposed to be Christ, well.. this movie will not only make that clear, they will beat you over the head with it, to the point where a cross actually appears on Neo's chest, and he's dragged off while in a crucifix position. Why not just end the movie with 100 years later everyone celebrating a holiday called "Neomas?" Despite all the Matrix fans who say that this is a film designed to "deprogram" people and "open minds," and all the Matrix fans I met who bash christianity, this is a pretty pro-christian movie.
When I first saw the Revolutions trailer, I said "This fight between Smith and Neo had better be the best throwdown ever caught on film." Well, it wasn't. Now, I'm not gonna go on a tirade about the CGI, because even though it looks like The Sims fighting, that's what you expect in the Matrix series. My problem is how on a whole, the fight was just pretty un-interesting. It's basiclly like watching Dragonball Z. Stuff blows up, they punch each other through buildings and fly around. The problem simply is that the first Matrix was so innovative, they just were unable to top themselves, no matter how hard they tried. It just seemed like everything they did in terms of action and fights was just... old. They even just redo the lobby fight from the first film, except this time the bad guys are on the ceiling.
As for the ending, I wasn't as angry about it as some other people were. I can see why it ended that way, and I think in a way you have to respect the risk that went with ending the trilogy like they did.
This movie seemed like it was running on fumes, and that ultimatly was the failure. I think that if they had not shot Reloaded and Revolutions back to back, if they had time to say "What worked in Revolutions?" before they did the third, they would have been able to come up with something better. But alas, they ended up with what will most likely prove to be one of the most disapointing films of all time. And worse even is the fact that Reloaded and Revolutions take away from the original. I tried watching Matrix the other day, and it just wasn't as good now that I know the full story and most of the disapointing answers to the questions asked in the original.
So those are my problems with the movis, but I've got one other problem pertaining to Matrix Revolutions. I'm pretty sick of the main defense of this movie being "You didn't understand it!" or "You had too many expectations!" Please. The movie is flawed, horribly flawed. Just because it has "The Matrix" in the title, doesn't mean it's good. It's ok to dislike this film, you can still call yourself a matrix fan. Heck, I hate Rocky V, but I still call myself a fan of the Rocky movies. If you loved it, great, that's ok. But if you realized that it's not good, don't grasp at straws trying to prove to yourself that you liked it, I'm sure your compatriots over in the mIRC Matrix Chatroom will love you nonetheless.
Also, you really dont have to be a rocket scientist to understand the Matrix Trilogy. We're not dealing with 8 1/2 here. So if you wanna respond to someone who didn't like this movie, don't play the "I'm smarter than you because I liked this" card, because that's just silly... it's a movie, not a way of life (if you think it's a way of life, please get help immediatly.)
So before you're about to call someone a mental midget for daring to dislike a Matrix film.. just think: What would Jesu...err...Neo do?
Fortress 2 (2000)
Heh Heh Heh
You pretty much know what to expect when you see the name "Christopher Lambert" on the box of a direct-to-video action/sci-fi flick. While I happen to think Chris is the man (Maybe 1 notch below Dolph Lundgren for the title of world's coolest inhabitant), you gotta admit.. he's done some stinkers. For every half decent flick he's done (Fortress, Mean Guns) there are a dozen crappy ones (Beowulf, Gunmen, the one with the chick from Species in it). For every Highlander, there's been a Highlander III. Now.. in order to properly view a Christopher Lambert action film, you have to be in the mindset that it's going to be absolutely absurd.. and have one momment where you say "WHat the hell???" In Fortress 1 he randomly fights a truck, in Beowulf he uses backflips and front handspings (counted 12 in a row) as his primary mode of transportation... in Fortress 2, he FLIES IN SPACE BY HOLDING HIS BREATH AND COVERING HIS EARS! Now, if a mortal like you or I attempted this, our heads would freeze and then explode within second.. Chris, however, walked away with just a bloody nose. Ok.. the movie itself. Remember Fortress 1? Ok, just take that movie.. but set it in space and get rid of the bad guy from RoboCop and you have Fortress 2. This movie has some interesting aspects to it, such as the token black guy (who has to randomly shout "PARTY OVER HERE" and call people "Brother" every once in a while), the brain damaged guy and his pet cochroach, and the failed attempts to make Pam Grier look hot. It's also apparant that they completely ran out of money while making this movie. The cgi special effects at the end were around ten times worse than anything they did on that old "Captain Power" show. So why see this? Simple.. it's absurdity makes it entertaining. You don't watch a Lambert film expecting massive plot development, you watch a Lambert flick to hear Christopher Lambert deliver his lines in a voice that sounds like he just scraped his larynx with a brillo pad. You watch a Lambert flick to see him get gradually dirtier as the film progresses (seriously, the man is always filthy at the end of his movies) You watch a Lambert film to hear "the laugh." Don't expect brillance, just expect a few good laughs.
Rocky IV (1985)
This is the greatest movie ever made
Alright, we're talking quality entertainment here. Sly Stallone once more dons the tights as Rocky Balboa to fight the russian menace Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, the world's coolest inhabitant)and avenge the death of his friend Apollo Creed. Now, it's not the plot which makes this movie great, as you can probably predict absolutly everything that's going to happen. No No, what makes this movie great are the momments. I'm talking about the "remembering Apollo" montage in which Rocky is in his car, and shifts gears around 9 or 10 times. I'm also talking about the training montage in which Rocky climbs a mountain with nothing more than a coat and hat and yells "DRAAAAAAAAGOOOOOOOOO!" when he reaches the top. I'm talking about Dolph coldly telling Rocky "I must break you." I'm talking about the russian fans cheering for Rocky. I'm talking about the booming, echoing thuds when the boxers hit each other. It's absurdity at it's best. How can you not love this movie? So if you hate this movie, go ahead and watch it again, this time with an open mind.. and I promise you that your opinion will change. Before after all: If I can change, and all of yous can change, then WE ALL CAN CHANGE!
Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills (1994)
Had to be seen to be believed
In the long history of television oddities, this one has to rank darn near the top. It was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Power Rangers craze of the time, and featured special effects that would make Edward D. Wood Jr cringe. Basicly the storyline was that four teenagers were chosen to protect earth from this bad guy who looked like Darth Vader sitting in a dentist chair. They were called to action by their glowing tatoos, which summoned portals that somehow replaced them with bodybuilders in spandex who looked pretty much nothing like the original actors. This looked friggin hillarious, because you'd see these stand-ins fighting a guy in the rubber suit that always looked like he was about to tip over, while stomping on a cardboard city. Eventually, the heroes would all lock wrists and turn into and incredibly cheesy looking giant knight. I make none of this up, I swear to God.. this show actually existed! There had to be only 5-10 episodes, because I remember after telling everyone in school about it, I turned on the TV like a week later to see that it was no longer on. Trust me, I was devestated. I'm suprised that to this day I've been unable to find a video of this show on ebay or anywhere else on the net, and I'm also very suprised this classic has yet to pick up the cult following that it deserves.
They Live (1988)
Greatest fight sequence in the history of film
Allright Allright. Enough of this "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" nonsense. Sure, they can fight on the tops of trees and sprint across rooftops. It may look pretty, but it pales in comparison to the epic battle between Keith David and Roddy Piper in "They Live." Allow me to just set the stage for this epic duel. Roddy Piper's character has just uncovered the truth about society, it is really controlled by evil aliens! How can he tell this? By wearing his special (and incredibly boxy looking) 80s sunglasses! When he sees his friend, played by Keith David, he tries to convince him to put on the sunglasses in order to see how the world truly is. I will now write an example of the incredible dialog that sets up this scene:
Roddy Piper: Put the sunglasses on!
Keith David: No, you crazy mother!
Roddy Piper: Put the sunglasses on!
Keith David: No!
Roddy Piper: Put the sunglasses on!
Keith David: No! ..and then, that's where the action starts. For the next 10 minutes, Piper and David beat each other unmercifully. The fight itself is way too grandscale for me to describe here, so I suggest you run (don't walk) the the video store and pick up "The Live", it will change your life.
Chow yun-Fat.. BAH! Gimmie Keith David suplexing Roddy Piper in a back alley any day!
Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (1969)
See this movie or I'll shave your heads!
What's the greatest japanese monster movie ever made? Godzilla vs. Destroyah? Nope. Gamera vs. Legion? Nope. I can honestly say without a doubt that Gamera vs. Guiron is without a doubt the single greatest piece of film making ever to come out of the land of the rising sun.
How can I make such a claim? Because does anyone REALLY watch these flicks for anything else other than pure entertainment value? No. Americans watch these movies so they can laugh thier behinds off at the silly rubber suits, bad stories and horrendous dubbing, well.. Gamera vs. Guiron is the ultimate "so bad it's good" monster flick. The plot revolves around two highly irritating children (why do these monster flicks always feature the most annoying children on the planet?), who believe that a perfect world exists; a world free from the horrors of wars and traffic accidents. They stumble across a spaceship, which they of course know how to fly, being japanese and technically efficient and all, and head to this seeminly perfect alien world. Meanwhile on earth, the irritating little sister character pleads with her unsympathetic, heartless mother to listen to her story, however the mother simply informs the child "Study, or you will not get into a good school".. a poingient reflection of the burdens placed on young children by society.
When arriving in space, the two young boys encounter two older space-women (one played by the same actress who played the mother), who appear nice, but are really attempting to eat thier brains. Oh yeah, and there's a monster on the planet which is a giant knife that also shoots out throwing stars. Being the friend of all children that he is, Gamera comes to the aid of our two young heroes.. and you can pretty much guess how it ends. But, we need to look into the deep rooted symbolism of Gamera vs. Guiron. I mean, there's a definate message in there. What message is that? That there is no perfect world.. traffic accidents are inevitable. The story also teaches children not to take jelly dounuts from alien women wearing silver jumpsuits. Gamera vs. Guiron also introduces the most important character in film history: Cornjob, the all knowing, all seeing police officer, who warns children of the dangers of suction-dart guns, and bicycle saftey. But more importantly, this film delivers a clear message to children: If you are ever tricked into going to an alien world, Gamera will save you. It's true, kids, no matter how bad a situation is.. remember, you've got a friend in Gamera. ... and that Gamera fight song ROCKS!
Charlie's Angels (2000)
Avoid this movie like the plague.
I don't think I've ever seen a worse movie than this. Since when do Charlie's Angels have super-powers? There was NO plot (it was like watching a bunch of bad skits), atrocious acting and extremely annoying special effects. Why is it that every movie fight scene has to be exactly like something like "The Matrix?" This movie sucks, don't see it.
Bei po (1977)
Not for the sensitive
Fans expecting a light hearted Jackie Chan-esque Martial Arts movie or people expecting a fun blaxploitation film will be disappointed by "Soul Brothers of Kung Fu." This film is definitely NOT for the sensitive.
This film DOES feature some spectacular martial arts, the majority from Bruce Li, the best of the Bruce Lee clones. While the fights do provide a lot of entertainment, the storyline itself falters. Yes, it features a typical kung fu movie bad-guy and his bumbling henchmen and a lot of other formulaic martial arts movie scenarios, but most of it borders on risque.
If racial violence offends you, then skip this movie. A lot of the film is focused on the verbal berating and physical beating of Carl Scott, the film's sole African American character, who's been given an extremely stereotypical dub-over.
Also, this movie was obviously cut up when it was released on video. Some of the scenes made no sense, and it's easy to tell that a scene that supported it was cut. The annoying constant use of the theme from "Rocky" doesn't help this movie either. The ending itself also didn't sit well with me for numerous reasons, which I won't really get into. I saw the version with the "alternate ending" (I think that's the only one out there), so I'm not sure if the other version of the ending was any easier to swallow.
You may, as I did, notice this video at your local video store and go "That should be fun." I was under the impression that this would be a campy film, but it really wasn't. As a huge fan of Kung Fu movies, I was able to look past most of the content and focus solely on the fighting, but it was difficult. I do not recommend this movie for anyone looking a for cheesy movie to watch on a rainy day, or for anyone who is trying to wean their way into the Martial Arts Genre. But if you're a fan of good martial arts, you may wanna check this one out.