cpu-4 Reviews

Hardcore Never Dies (2023)

Fun despite the misleading title

[7/10 · 11 December 2023]

The title and marketing would make it seem like this is a movie about hardcore gabber, but that is only partially the case. Despite that, if you lived through the 90s and went to gabber raves in Rotterdam like me, I think there is still enough to like.

Let's start with my gripes. I did not find the "troubled brother" very convincing as a real Rotterdam gabber. The main protogonist seemed inexplicably way more upper middle class than his parents. His affliction with gabber also seemed a bit superficial. If your first experience of raving in the early 90s as a teen was a gabber rave in the Energiehal with proper chemical stimulation, let me tell you: it would be extremely unusual for this not to be the beginning of an intense obsession. The ending also is a bit abrupt and superficial: after a little foray into the evil and criminal world of hardcore gabber, our young protogonist can put this all behind him to proceed with a serious life as a classical pianist? His hardcore seemed to have died quite quickly then.

On the up side, I liked most of the supporting cast, including the "villains". Though the story wasn't incredibly original (in fact almost cliche), there was still enough depth for me not to be bored. Though not everything about the raves was "period correct", much of it was done well enough to give me some goosebumpish flashbacks. You do get a sense of the intense energy of the music, the crowd, and the drugs. As a Rotterdam native it was fun to recognize locations.

In summary, I was plenty entertained despite the flaws and false advertizing.

Magic Cop (1990)

Modern Mr. Vampire let down by irritating sidekicks

[5/10 · 8 December 2023]

This flick stars the awesome Ching-Ying Lam as a kind of current day Mr. Vampire. Sounds promising, and so are the first scenes.

Things quickly go downhill though as the two sidekicks are introduced, who might manage to provide some low brow comic relief for ages 5 and below, but are guaranteed to annoy anyone else, and who are given way too much screen time. The other prominent character, Mr. Vampires niece, must be around 18 years old, yet acts like she is a whiny cognitively challenged toddler which obviously gets irritating very quickly as well.

On the up side: Michiko Nishiwaki is convincing as a wicked sorceress, and Ching-Ying Lam doesn't disappoint.

To sum it up, there sure are some entertaining scenes and fights, but you will probably find yourself fastforwarding a lot as well. Might be worth it for Mr. Vampire fans, but certainly not required viewing.

Deathtrap (1982)

Flawed stage adaptation has its moments, mostly thanks to Caine

[6/10 · 16 October 2022]

Michael Caine and the misanthropic humor in the script made for some enjoyable moments, and Christopher Reeve was more than adequate. But I found the old "psychic" neighbor excruciatingly unfunny, so much that I had to fast-forward through much of the scenes with her presence. Her mannerisms and accent (over the top horribly fake mix of German / Eastern European / Russian, even though she was supposedly from Holland) made her very hard to watch. Perhaps her character worked in the play, as on stage there is more of a tendency for over acting, but I think her part here just about ruined the otherwise quite enjoyable movie.

Still worth it for Michael Cain fans, and it was fun to see Reeves play someone other than Superman, but be prepared for the akwardness of the scenes with the psychic.

The Babysitter (1995)

Creepy cringefest

[2/10 · 7 June 2022]

What possessed the minds of everyone involved in the making of this creepy cringefest? It must have been quite a blow to Alicias career. Even though we fast-forwarded through what must have been at least half the movie, we still felt mostly bored, annoyed and disgusted (and not in fun way) rather than entertained.

Estrellas solitarias (2015)

Great fun!

[9/10 · 7 March 2022]

Apparently I'm the first person on IMDB to review this extremely funny and entertaining movie. It's not for everyone, but the quirky sense of humor was right up my alley. In fact this may become a future cult classic. Miss it at your own peril :)

Son of Cain (2013)

Nice acting and cinematography, let down by script

[5/10 · 7 March 2022]

With a slightly better script, this could have been a very entertaining movie. It started out fine, but then lost its pace and flaws started to appear. Many elements of the story were quite ridiculous, and for me this could have worked if it was all handled in a more unashamedly over-the-top way as for instance in "The Uninvited". Instead of being a source of entertainment I found the ridiculous elements and somewhat predictable plot twists slightly annoying. And finally, the focus on chess was a bit of a cliché.

Bloodstone: Subspecies II (1993 Video)

Disappointing sequel.

[4/10 · 4 September 2020]

"Better than the original", "best of the 4", ... are you kidding me? I really enjoyed the original, but this was a stinker.

The new Michelle was helpless and pitiful, with a singular expression of desperation on her face all the time. She did not even try to put up a hint of a fight until the very, very end. I have to wonder what kind of person finds watching a helpless victim for an hour and a half satisfying? To make things worse, her sister was plain annoying, as were the "professor" and the embassy guy.

We kept hoping for things to pick up, but ultimately the movie ended up being a chore to sit through. Radu was still good, there were a few worthwhile scenes, but as a whole I wouldn't recommend this flick to anyone.

The Night Flier (1997)

Slightly above average King adaptation

[5/10 · 3 September 2020]

There certainly are much worse King adaptations. Just do not expect a real "vampire movie", and be aware that at times things move too slowly. In fact the latter point is my only real gripe - there still is enough fun material in here to be worth a watch for King fans.

The Vagrant (1992)

Twisted entertainment

[8/10 · 24 May 2020]

You need a dark sense of humor and a certain misanthropic attitude to truly enjoy this movie. It's right up my alley, but I can see why it flopped at the box office. Not high brow/pretentious enough to be appreciated by the art-house crowd, and possibly too twisted and mature to appeal to young adults/teens.

I see similarities with Mike Judges work, who is also good at exposing the BS of the human race in a very entertaining way, and whose movies are also not for everyone. This was the last movie Chris Wales directed, presumably due to the lack of financial success, which I think is a huge shame.

Street Smart (1987)

Street Stupid

[4/10 · 21 September 2019]

The trailer of this flic features gritty images of 80s NYC streets, Morgan Freeman as a pimp, and Christopher Reeve as a Clark Kent like reporter. Plenty of potential for entertainment, or so I thought.

Well, I enjoyed the shots of New York street life, but that was about it. Freeman was very unconvincing as a pimp (though he does eat a lot of chicken), and Reeve was mostly boring (though he does cheat on his classy girlfriend with a cheap hooker). The script appeared to have been written by someone with very little street smarts - somewhat ironic given the title.

I would give this one a miss, unless you get a huge kick out of seeing Morgan embarrass himself.

Leak (2000)

Steeply downhill ride from awesome opening sequence

[4/10 · 27 January 2019]

I was a bit surprised to see almost exclusively positive reviews of this flic here. "Lek" has its moments, but the only scene I found truly entertaining was the brilliant opening sequence, which tellingly did not feature the lead character.

Many Dutch movies suffer from a fixed pool of actors, who either act like they are in a play on a stage, or are picked from TV soaps, with accordingly lacking acting skills and altogether boring personalities and screen presence. The latter certainly applies to Cas Jansen, who plays the lead as an incredibly unconvincing Amsterdam cop. Both he and his girlfriend were mostly cringey to watch. Not for a moment could I see past the middle class white actor kids that they are.

Some of the criminals were fun, and some action sequences were mildly entertaining, but when the main characters are boring dweeps unconvincingly playing parts that so obviously are lightyears away from their own reality, you can forget about suspension of disbelief.

To end of a positive nite: for a vastly superior Dutch crime movie check out "De dominee" (2004).

The Neon Demon (2016)

David Lynch for millennials - pretentious and VERY boring

[1/10 · 12 June 2018]

Most of the time, absolutely NOTHING happens in this flick. And when something finally does happen, it either makes no sense whatsoever and/or is completely ludicrous (not in an amusing way).

Although technically well executed, I find the visual style pretentious and tacky and I'd say the same about the soundtrack.

It's almost as if the idea was to make a David Lynch flick for millennials: brightly colored, empty, meaningless drivel covered up with a sauce of faux deep symbolism and some "edgy" violence & sex for shock value.

The director surely was happy to just make a buck and get away with it all. If you were to compliment him on his work, I think he would find you stupid.

The Wild Life (1984)

Only for 80s buffs

[5/10 · 15 January 2018]

If I didn't have a soft spot for 80s movies, I would not have been able to sit through this flick. A movie may still be entertaining without a serious plot or point, but the problem here was that I found the main characters very annoying. Chris Penn was obnoxious and not in a fun way, Eric Stolz was mainly dull, the girls were weak beyond belief. The only one who I cared for was Jim (Ilan Mitchell-Smith of Weird Science fame), and his subplot was the most underdeveloped of all. The conclusion (if you can call it that) was also quite stupid: we are supposed to feel that this was a transformative coming of age and all lived happily ever after. On the upside, the acting and soundtrack were decent and there were a few entertaining scenes. I have certainly seen worse flicks but would not recommend this to anyone but 80s buffs who have already seen all the good stuff from the era.

Gridlock'd (1997)

Very, very boring

[3/10 · 13 November 2017]

The trailer looked like fun, but it's been a while since I have seen such a boring flick! The current IMDb rating of 7 must be because of all the Tupac fanboys.

I really couldn't stand all the pretentious pseudo intellectual crap talking. And all the cigarette smoking, every single scene - looks so cool and rebellious... if you are 14 perhaps.

Special marks to the black girl with the British accent for playing such an annoying, vapid, super pretentious bimbo. I'm sure in real life she is nothing like that, and she was really cast for her unique acting abilities.

Tupac comes across as a pretentious wannabe poet rather than a street smart rapper. Watching him pretending to play double bass in a jazz band with his cracker buddy on keys, and the bimbo uttering faux deep bullshit in the mic... embarrassing!

If I was a Tupac fanboy, I really wouldn't like to see this movie!

Death Wish II (1982)

Very poor rehash of the original

[4/10 · 5 November 2017]

I liked the 1974 original, but this was a chore to sit through. It's a very, very poor rehash, clearly done purely for the money. All around bad acting, very unimaginative script, Charles Bronson acts like he phoned in his performance, the villains are clownish and annoying, and I really couldn't stand Charles' wife.

In fact I lost some respect for Mr. Bronson while watching this tripe. Do yourself a favor and give this one a miss. If you are looking for good Bronson movies: "Mr. Majestyk (1974)" is awesome.

I, Madman (1989)

Twilight for housewives?

[2/10 · 18 September 2017]

The trailer made this flick look like fun - it seemed like I had stumbled on some forgotten 80s horror gem - but what a piece of crap it turned out to be! It sucks on so many levels, that while watching the movie, I was already looking forward to reading a couple of funny reviews on IMDb completely trashing it. However, even this turned out to be too much to ask.

Who was the intended audience? The arty farty crowd will probably find it too stupid, while the average horror fans will be bored out of their minds by the pretentious arty crap and the complete lack of nudity and real gore. Perhaps it was for lonely women, who may identify with the annoying bookworm girl? Twilight for housewives?

The script is very, very dumb, yet it seems to takes itself quite seriously... infuriating! This was made in 1989, before the advent of hipsters, but it pisses me off in a way that only hipsters tend to. Perhaps they will like this flick then. It has this kind of "ironic" half arsed pussy vibe over it, and for sure they will love the stop motion clay crap that shows up in the final scene to magically save the helpless bookworm girl and her pussy ass boyfriend. That's right, the flick ends with a shot of the stupid girl staring satisfied and romantically out of the window that the villain and the clay stop motion crap just crashed out of minutes before she was about to be killed.

Krush Groove (1985)

Cheesy, blatant self-promotion

[4/10 · 29 August 2017]

I'm a big fan of oldskool hiphop, so while not expecting awesome film making, I figured there might be enough in this flick to still keep my interest. However, even though I really wanted to like it, I just couldn't get past all the cheese, poor acting and script. It is basically one big piece of cheesy, blatant self promotion. I still found the Fat Boys mildly entertaining in some scenes, but couldn't stand most of Run DMC and Sheila E.

I can see this movie working for little kids, as a kind of Disneyfied rap flick, but wouldn't recommend it to anyone over the age of 12.

Zoolander 2 (2016)

Killing little hipsters

[8/10 · 8 June 2016]

I'm glad I ignored the IMDb ratings, as me and my girlfriend liked this sequel almost as much as the original. In fact I don't understand how most fans of the original would not feel the same. Perhaps the jokes directed at little hipsters were not appreciated by the current generation of little hipsters?

I only have some very minor gripes: I could have done without the cameos, and at times the pacing could have been slightly faster. But overall I was thoroughly entertained and laughed a lot. Making a successful sequel to a very funny original is not easy, so my hat off to the writers, actors and director!

Orfeu (1999)

Ancient Greek mythology meets 90s Brazilian telenovela

[7/10 · 7 December 2013]

Orfeu mixes elements of Greek mythology and classical theatre with Brazilian telenovelas. That may sound like a recipe for disaster, but to me the director actually pulled it off.

It was fascinating to me as someone from Western Europe to see how different life in the favelas is (both in good and bad ways), and to see the ancient Greek story set in such a different context. The cinematography is also great.

I can see how some would be disappointed if they were expecting to get immersed into a convincing story set in the midst of a full blown carnival extravaganza though.

The main characters Orfeu and Euridice didn't really come to life to me as genuine likable individuals that I could identify with, but more as the original Greek personas. However most other members of the cast did not have this "problem" and provided plenty of convincing drama.

Also although we are treated to some scenes of the amazing Rio carnival, the director doesn't really seem to immerse us in that world of extravagance. We are almost looking at it from a distance, as if to say it's not that important to the actual story.

To sum it all up: what makes Brazil interesting is that it is such a melting pot, and melting very different elements into a lively stew is exactly what happens in Orfeu. It may not always be that easy to digest, but boring it is not!

Fish Tank (2009)

Overrated & boring

[4/10 · 15 November 2011]

Watching a gold fish swim around for 2 hours is more entertaining than watching "Fish tank".

The whole movie can be summed up in one sentence: "A bored teenage girl living with a selfish mother in a bad neighborhood does a bunch of stupid things". It's a pity that an IMDb review needs to be at least 10 sentences long, as to be honest this movie doesn't deserve it. But I'll try.

The main character Mia is actually not unlikeable, and a bit pretty, but doesn't seem to have a single friend. Not one. And she doesn't seem to go to school. Well, perhaps it was a school holiday? Anyway, her main problem seems to be that she is very bored. So she goes out to try and cut loose a horse kept by a bunch of pikeys. And she tries some break dancing (by herself). And she ends up sleeping with the cheating boyfriend of her mother, and then kidnaps his daughter for a little bit. The end.

Actually these eight sentences make the movie seem more interesting than it really is.

Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. (1990)

Absurd, silly and entertaining... 8/10

[8/10 · 21 January 2001]

If you like Troma's kind of silly, off beat, absurd humor then I'm quite sure you'll really enjoy a whole lot of scenes in this flick as well. There are lots of cartoonish, hilarious characters all of which have been acted out with confidence and conviction.

The story... well there's this American cop in NY who finds out he can get supernatural powers by changing into the Kabukiman, a kind of Japanese Samurai dude with lots of makeup. Our hero uses his new found powers to beat the crap out of some local small time crooks in various entertaining ways, but it turns out he really owns his powers to the fact that he was chosen to fight the Evil One, who is about to take over the world. He is reluctant to accept this responsibility at first, but a Japanese chick kicks some sense into him and then goes on to teach him how to use his new found skills properly.>

Thesis (1996)

Flawed but entertaining

[6/10 · 10 April 2000]

Tesis has quite a few flaws. The Chema character is very unconvincing, the plot has some rather incredible elements, and you'd have to be extremely screamish to find this movie scary. So if you're looking for true suspense and intelligence look elsewhere.

Having said that, Tesis does compare favorably to Hollywood flicks like Scream, there definitely are some nice touches, and the ending is unpredictable. In spite of the sinister subject of snuff movies, it's more of a "whodunnit" than a thriller though.

Beautiful People (I) (1999)

Mediocre at best

[6/10 · 2 April 2000]

Beautiful People doesn't have a very intelligent plot and the acting (perhaps as a result) is mediocre at best. The whole movie also comes across as being a bit forced.

It deals with the conflict between Serbs and Kroats, but the acting and little jokes are just too clumsy and unsophisticated to really be taken seriously... because there *are* quite a few statements that the director seems to want to come across it fails to be amusing or entertaining as well.

Having said that, there is one amusing part where an English hooligan ends up in the war. If the director had gone for more of similar absurdities and for less rather blunt moral statements the result would have had more impact IMO.

Show Me Love (1998)

Highly recommended

[10/10 · 22 March 2000]

An intelligent, amusing and touching film that stays well clear of all the cliches found in American teen movies. The plot touches on many things you'll recognize from your own teen years but that are usually left untouched. The acting by the young cast is great as well, so there just isn't much to fault this film.