Evan-35 Reviews

The Abyss (1989)

Loved every minute of it

[25 March 2000]

THE ABYSS is a really underrated epic from Jim Cameron. The special edition is excellent, but even the theatrical cut is good. The groundbreaking FX and high tech stuff in the film makes it hard to believe it was made in the late 80s. It almost looks like it was made last year! Unlike 2010 (another good 80s sci-fi epic), very little of the Abyss has been dated over the years. And the music is excellent.

Also, the characters are very likable and the drama is riveting. A lot of people complain about the ending, but I LOVED the ending. I was in awe when (WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD) the alien took Ed Harris to that cool underwater alien city/ship at the end. Remember, this is a sci-fi FANTASY.

UHF (1989)

More fun than a drink from the firehose!

[26 February 2000]

What I love the most about UHF is its offbeat humor. What other comedy would show a man teaching Poodles how to "fly?" Or a gun-wielding Mahatma Gandhi? Also, the film has a sort of silly, low-budget charm to it. The critics, though, wrote pretty scathing reviews of it. Roger Ebert wrote that Weird Al "has bad posture and an indistinct speaking voice"(?!). If that's true, I was too busy laughing to notice.

Jack Frost (1998)

Fun for the whole family...if your whole family is made up of 9-year olds

[29 January 2000]

I can't believe there are people (all 5 of them) who actually like this cinematic lump of coal. It's laughable and silly. The dumbest and most painfull part of the film is the first 5 minutes, when Michael Keaton "sings" Frosty the Snowman to an ecstatic group of rock fans(!?). The snowman Keaton becomes is butt-ugly. He looks like the Pillsbury doughboy after being exposed to Nuclear radiation.

To be fair, the film IS funny...unintentionally. At the end of the movie, when the Snowman tucks his son into bed and "kisses" him, the snowman's lips look like they're munching on the kid's hair! That scene made me burst into uncontrollable laughter. Also, the script seemed to be going nowhere. The Dad dies, comes back as a snowman, helps his son, and then leaves. That's the basic plot! Anyway, I don't know what's scarier: the snowman, or Keaton's singing. It left me cold.

Galaxy Quest (1999)

A fun trek

[16 January 2000]

GQ (no, not the magazine) is a fun and engaging spoof of Star Trek and its (sometimes insane) fandom. While not entirely hilarious (I DID laugh at the garbage-taking out joke, however. I could relate to it), it is an extremely amiable and amusing film that makes fun of Star Trek cliches (The Red Shirted Ensign, no seatbelts on the Bridge, etc.). All in all, this movie's a galactic winner (sorry about all the Brackets).

*** (out of ****)

Big Daddy (1999)

Humor aimed at Low IQs

[1/10 · 15 January 2000]

Boy, did this movie suck. Even though it's only 90 minutes, it felt like it lasted 4 hours. Happy Gilmore was OK, but Sandler's other works have really blown. One reason i didn't like it is that Sandler's character is a jerk. He yells like a moron in a McDonald's, harasses a man (the film's director) in his apartment, spoils the kid, and causes bodily harm to skaters.

And it wasn't funny. We're supposed to laugh just because he and the kid p**s on the side of a building. bodily functions are not funny. They were when I was a little kid, but I've grown out of that. Anyway, that little kid was pretty annoying ("Pweese pway da tape"), and far from being cute. The majority of today's comedies seem to be aimed at immature people with low IQs whole will laugh at anything. I miss edgy, satirical, intelligent comedies like Dr. Strangelove. Watching Big Daddy was like being tied to a pole and beaten with a wet sock. I guess other people like that experience.

The Blade Master (1983)

Not CONAN, but an incredible simulation!

[15 January 2000]

Ator is back, and more oily than ever in this unwanted sequel to ATOR, THE FIGHTING EAGLE. The steriodal warrior must battle Zor, an effeminate guy made up to look vaguely Asian. Since it's set in the Middle Ages, Ator must fight some cavemen(oh yeah,I can see how...HUH!??)and other challenges along the way, along with his mute sidekick Thong and Mila, the daughter of the really dull old guy. The only good thing about this waste of celluloid is the pretty scenery Ator and Co. run around through. Everything about this movie is dumb, including Ator (He wears the shortest skirt I've ever seen on a man). Don't miss the famous MST3k version. It turns a terrible Conan rip-off into a hilarious comedy.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Cold War Comedy

[30 December 1999]

DR. STRANGELOVE is a classic, hilarious satire of the current fears of that time, and it's lost none of its edge. The humor went over the heads of most of my peers (Yes, I'm currently in High School), but I loved it. I guess the other kids would laugh if it had the usual Scatalogical humor that is plauging so many "comedies" today. Anyway, Sellers is in top form here, as is George C. Scott, Slim Pickens, and Keenan Wynn, playing a Colonel who hates "preverts." My 2 favorite scenes are the Coke machine incident and the classic scene of Slim riding an A-Bomb as if it were a bucking bronco. One of Kubrick's best.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

Lacks the charm of the original

[23 December 1999]

The first AUSTIN POWERS movie was alot of fun, but THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME was obviously made on a much larger budget and kind of suffers from that. I laughed, but 90% of the jokes revolve around (surprise!) bodily functions. The Fat Bastard character was pretty gratuitous. Are we supposed to laugh at the fact that he's obese and is a slob?

RATING: **1/2

THE ORIGINAL: *** (out of 4)

Doctor Dolittle (1998)

A dog urinated! That is funny!

[23 December 1999]

A teacher once told me that you can't write comedy if all you do is lace the script with bodily functions and sex. At first I disagreed, but know I'm starting to see his point. If handled correctly it can be funny, but in DR. DOLITTLE the very ACT of that bodily function is the punchline. I did not laugh ONCE during the whole movie. I smiled, but no laughs.

Eddie Murphy is upstaged here by the animals. He doesn't say a lot of funny lines. He doesn't even make that Goofy smile. the movie's just a vehicle for the talking animals. There were so many annoying commercials on TV showing talking animals and babies last year, so why see that for 90 minutes in a movie?

Field of Dreams (1989)

Pure Magic

[10/10 · 23 December 1999]

FIELD OF DREAMS is a magical and enchanting film. it treats baseball like religion, and rightly so. Burt Lancaster really shines in one of his last films. In fact, all the actors shine, and so does the script. I seldom cry during movies, but I did during the end. It made me feel like a kid again, and I'm only 17!

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Kubrick's War Odyssey

[22 December 1999]

FULL METAL JACKET is an amazing War movie, one that shows how de-humanizing the conflict in Vietnam was. Joker (Matt Modine) is an extremely appealing, if somewhat detached, character. Granted, it's not quite as good as APOCALYPSE NOW, but a very worthy war film by the late, great Stanley Kubrick. The film's anti-climax perfectly fits the the anticlimactic end of the Vietnam war.

"This is my rifle. This is my gun. This is for shooting. This is for fun."

Evil Dead II (1987)

one helluva ride

[10/10 · 5 November 1999]

EVIL DEAD 2 is a cinematic rollercoaster that flies off the tracks and just keeps on going. Sam Raimi has made a film that's a scream in every sense of the word. wonderfully twisted humor, and non-stop action (especially near the end)makes this my favorite of the Evil Dead trilogy. "Let's go!!"

Patch Adams (1998)

This is "heart warming???"

[1/10 · 27 August 1999]

"Patch Adams" is a dumb, corny, manipulative piece of celluloid that overflows with cheap sentimentality and tired cliches. I have a feeling the medical institution isn't quite as cold and humorless as this film makes it out to be. To be fair, the first half of the film isn't that bad, what with William's jokes, but when things get serious and predictable, it goes nowhere but downhill from there.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

MST 3000: The Movie. Accept no substitutions!

[10/10 · 26 August 1999]

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HERE YOU LAUGH. The MST movie is a worthy companion to the cult TV show and is a must-see for "Msties." A lot of people have complained that "This Island Earth" didn't deserve to be riffed on because it's actually a good movie. So what? They could make fun of "Citizen Kane" for all I care, as long as they'de make it funny. My only regret is not seeing it on the big screen when it first came out. It would have been great to see Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo in all their 35mm glory.

Darkman (1990)

A great "comic book" movie

[10/10 · 21 August 1999]

I saw Darkman on the SciFi Channel and was very impressed. Liam Neeson is an excellent actor, and brought a lot of humanity to the role. I'm used to seeing him play calm, cool characters, so it was kind of surprising watching him flip out in some scenes. The script is clever and original, the climactic battle on the helicopter will leave you breathless, the FX are great, the music by Danny Elfman is good, and the cast is top-notch. recommended.

Armageddon (1998)

A big, bloated cinematic turd

[1/10 · 17 August 1999]

A year ago I went into the theater thinking this was going to be a great film. 2 hours later, I walked out p*ssed off. Armageddon is a big example of what's wrong with mainstream movies lately: All FX, no plot. Here are the reasons why I hated it:

2)The male characters were basically a bunch of overgrown boys.

3)The romantic subplot between Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck was corny and irritating like no other film.

4)WAY too many scientific errors.

5)Excessive patriotism. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be an American, but this went too far. In real life, the mission would've been an international venture. The Russian stereotypes didn't help either.

6)Enough predictability to fill TWO movies.

and the list goes on and on......

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

A milestone of cinematic achievement

[10/10 · 7 August 1999]

MST3000: The Movie is one of the most clever and original comedies out there. Not to mention hilarious. I havn't laughed this much since The Naked Gun (the original). So if you want to watch a comedy that doesn't assume its audience has low IQ's, check this film out.

Alien 3 (1992)

A huge waste of celluloid

[6 August 1999]

I'm surprised that a lot of comments about this film were positive. I almost envy the people who liked Alien 3. I really wish I could have enjoyed this movie, but instead it ticked me off like no other film. Here are the reasons why I hated it:

1) Hicks and Newt were killed off in the very beginning!why couldn't Fincher further develop their relationship with Ripley? They could've AT LEAST have been killed at the end.

2) The Alien looks really fake and has too much screen time. It was a rod puppet blue-screened into the action, but it resembles jerky stop-motion.

3) Where's the weapons? Unlike the first two there's no flame- throwers or machine guns to kick butt.

4) I didn't care about the other chrome-domed characters. They might as well have been those expendable red-shirted ensigns on Star Trek. All in all, it left me cold.