The Continental Op Reviews

Jazz (2001)

Interesting Overview; but biased and somewhat uninformed.

[1 February 2001]

I am neither a musician nor a serious scholar of jazz, just a fan,but even I could see the flaws in Ken Burns' sometimes fascinating, other times infuriating documentary on the history of "America's music".

Spanning the century, this nineteen hour documentary is most effective at the beginning, when Burns' gift for research is most apparent. You can see the pains he took searching documentation and rare photographs to paint a picture of the roots of the music. However, as the narrative moves on, his over-reliance for third and fourth hand accounts and his own ignorance of the genre becomes apparent.

I am not going to go into the laundry list of "should have" musicians (Lionel Hampton, Stan Getz, JJ Johnson, Charles Mingus gets only ten minutes!) and others that got short shrift or weren't even mentioned. I'd be here all day.

However, I will say that Burns obviously relied too much on critics and writers in putting together his material. Towards the end, especially when they begin to talk of the 50's and 60's, the whole program begins to have the taint of academia all over it.

For example, the 50s phenomenon of the wildly popular California-based "cool jazz" is dismissed by critic Nat Hentoff as "bland" and then never mentioned again.

I am sorry to disagree with the distinguished Mr. Hentoff, but as anyone who has heard the recordings of such greats as Gerry Mulligan and Chet Baker can atest, the music they were producing was just as creative and exciting as their East Coast, black contemporaries.

To people like Mr. Hentoff, the west coast musicians committed the ultimate sin of being white and somewhat popular. Much of the documentary continues along the same "us vs. them" vein.

It seems the people who assisted Mr. Burns took advantage of his ignorance and stamped their orthodox biases on what could have been a great work. Whole genres and types (fusion, Cubano, Brazillian) are either dismissed outright or ignored. It reinforces my view that critics are the most useless species on the face of the planet.

However, I do have to admit that many parts were fascinating. When Burns does interview eyewitnesses to certain events, it shows the flashes of "what might have been". I just wish that he wouldn't have blindly followed the opinions of the the critics and academics and let the audience discover for themselves what to think.

Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)

Not half- bad.......so far

[22 January 2001]

Since i have only seen about three episodes of this show, I may not be fit to judge, but I must say i like what I see.

Ordinarily, I run to the hills when words like "quirky" and "heartwarming" are used to describe any show, but this truly is a very entertaining show.

It is funny without being cutesy and the two leads have very good rapport with each other. It's hard to believe they are not actually related.

Yes, it can occasionally skirt the "7th Heaven" squeaky clean, white bread sappiness pit, and the setting (a small town somewhere in New England) can be a bit too idylic for some tastes. But they manage to eschew preachiness and the dialog is truly sometimes very witty. It's a damn sight funnier than "Friends".

"Gilmore Girls" shows real promise. I hope the WB lets it stick around for a bit.

The Gift (2000)

Best movie I have seen in a long, long time. Cate Blanchett is a Goddess.

[19 January 2001]

Cate Blanchett is on the shortlist for the title of the best actor of the last few decades. Her portrayal as a small-town widow/psychic in this film will do much to help her in that regard.

The plot of "The Gift", at first glance, is pretty standard southern- gothic stuff. Think "The Sixth Sense" meets "Slingblade":Annie Wilson, a young widowed mother of three who scrapes out a living as a dining-room psychic and tarot card reader, begins having disturbing visions of a missing local woman. When the woman turns up dead, exactly where Wilson said she would be, all matter of suspicious, colorful suspects crawl out from other the rocks. Finally, suspicion falls on Donnie Barksdale, the town's requisite bullying redneck.

Anyone familiar with the genre will have the ending figured out by the middle of the film (if not sooner.) But I do not think that the shortcomings of the plot detracts from enjoyment of the film.

The real gift of "The Gift" rely on the atmosphere that director Sam Raimi injects into this hoary chestnut of a story. He manages to sustain a sense of gloom and dread over almost every second of the film. Like any good suspense director, Raimi realizes that the potential of fear is far more effective than a gallon of blood splattered on the screen. In the process, he creates some truly scary and eerie moments.This is not the Raimi of Evil Dead and Darkman, all raucous and self-referentially winking at the camera. This Raimi is actually (gasp!) subtle and mature. Actually interested in things like character development and performances. If this is considered "selling out" (more like growing up) so be it. I like it.

Finally, there are the breathtaking performances. I am not a worshipper of acting, by any means. If an actor is mearly competent in a well crafted film, I am pretty lenient. I have a hard time distinguishing qualities in acting, unless they are very piss-poor. To me a good script will usually go farther than any acting fireworks.

However, I will make an exeption in this case. Everyone in this film was superb. I doubt very much that the likes of Greg Kinnear or Keanu Reeves (playing against type as a surprisingly scary Donnie Barksdale) will ever be this good again.

But Blanchett is the true wonder of the story. Her Annie Wilson is tough, vulnerable and very appealing. She manages to handle the super-natural nature of the story without comic-book melodrama or "Northern Exposure"-style quirkiness. She plays it completely natural and straight. She rises above caricature and hokiness.As far as I'm concerened, there is noone better than Blanchett.

If the myopic, stodgy acadamy can look past their habitual distaste for genre pieces and give Blanchett a well deserved Oscar, it will go a long way to help their battered credibility.

See this movie!

Ride with the Devil (I) (1999)

Another great film ignored by the Hollywood machine

[9/10 · 7 September 2000]

The most succinct way to describe Ride With The Devil is with but one word: authenticity. I will not rehash what has already been said about this wonderous film, but I would like to say how much the historical research and painstaking attention to detail the crew no doubt went through was appreciated by this filmgoer.

As a student of history familiar with the period and setting of this film, I must say that this production is one of the most accurate fictional films regarding "bleeding Kansas". Yes there were liberties taken on the actual events, as all fiction is apt to do. But the overall feel of the film is genuine. Authentic costumes, authentic attitudes (no PC hindsight here) even the actors look authentic.Even Jewel Kilcher (who has a small part in the film) looked like she stepped form a mid 19th century photograph.

A few viewers I talked with have expressed their incredulity at the stylized dialog. They cannot believe that 19th century farmers would "talk like poets".

What they don't realize is that in this age of verbal slobbishness, the American public public of the 19th century was a surprisingly literate and eloquent bunch. These people were raised on Shakespeare and the King James version of the Bible. The screenwriters reconstructed the most likely verbal styles of these people, judging from documentation of the time. The stylized dialog just adds to the magical atmosphere of the film.

But in addition to a historical document, this film works on a visceral level as well. Beautifully photographed and performed, it harkens back to the days of the great western epics. The raid on Lawrence, Kansas, done so many times before in so many other, lesser films is portrayed with a sense of urgency that puts the viewer right in the midst of the action.

Romance, adventure, moral and ethical conflict.This film has everything a discerning moviegoer could want.

In a year that was dominated by overhyped garbage like American Beauty, this great artwork was buried by an indifferent studio system. But I am certain that Ride With The Devil will be given it's due in the coming years. Please rent this film. You will not be disappointed.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003)

Best TV show currently on the air...

[16 August 2000]

All right people, lets get a grip. Is Buffy the greatest TV show ever? I doubt it.But at a time when the TV networks are assaulting our sensibilities with c**p like Survivor, Big Brother and Who Wants to be a Millionaire, this clever, consistantly well-written show is a masterpiece.

Buffy (along with Angel, it's surprisingly good spin-off) has managed to create a universe and characters that are watchable and always entertaining. Part live action comic book and teenage soap opera, this creation may not be totally original, but takes very familiar genres and conventions and presents them in totally entertaining ways. It also deserves credit for being the only TV show in history to surpass the film that inspired it in quality.

No it's not "strictly for teens", despite of what you may have heard. I feel that it is a show that transends demographics and genre.

I recommend Buffy for anyone who is sick of the scourge of "reality" show pablum that are on the other networks and want to see something that features some good old fashioned storytelling. Buffy may never suck in big ratings or press, but hype and a large audience doesn't always equal quality.

Under Suspicion (1994–1995)

It's good to know someone remembers this excellent show

[7 August 2000]

I saw this show in its original network run and was totally blown away by it. Intelligent scripting, interesting characters and great performances made this crime series transcend it's genre.

And like most shows that are a little to original and intelligent to be pigeon-holed into a neat little category, the network morons promptly consigned it to limbo.

Karen Sillas plays Rose Phillips, a Portland homicide investigator who gets involved in very twisty, convoluted cases. The plot developments kept her and the audience guessing until the end.

I love crime and mystery stories. The more complicated, the better. The plots of Under Suspicion (stretched out over two episodes, so they couldn't be tied up in a nice little bow) are reminiscent of the best in crime literature. This is something truly rare in TV and film. Perhaps something we will never see again.

Since this show has been cancelled, Network television has steadily declined and now hit it's nadir with the brainless fad of "reality TV". I hope someday the network would give intelligent shows like Under Suspicion another chance. But that is unlikely to happen.

Mercy (2000)

B-movie trash at it's best.

[1 July 2000]

Although it is not the most intellectually stimulating movie you will ever see, Mercy is well worth the rental price.

Ellen Barkin plays Katherine Palmer, a homicide detective tracking down a sadistic serial killer who chooses female victims from very wealthy and socially prominent circles.

Palmer finds a connection between the victims in Vicki Kitrrie (Peta Wilson) a mysterious and very seductive blonde who had a sexual connection with many of the victims. It seems that all the women belonged to a group that covertly engaged in lesbian sex and S&M. Palmer suspects someone in the group is the killer and must submerge herself in the women's sexual under world with Kittrie's help.

Yes, the plot is a straight to video exploitation standard. But the production values and the good perfomances by the leads make this a good watch.

The Desperate Trail (1994 Video)

A Most underrated Westen

[22 February 2000]

Sam Elliot and Linda Fiorentino go toe to toe in this very entertaining TV western. Elliott plays Marshall Bill Speakes, a lawman obsessed with catching Sarah O'Rourke (Fiorentino), his fugitive daughter-in-law. It seems that Sarah killed her husband. Speakes is understandably rather upset and tears up the west pursuing her when she escapes his grasp. Along the way, Sarah allies herself with a dandified highwayman and the story becomes a rather quirky Bonnie and Clyde story. But things aren't always what they seem as Speakes' tactics for catching the pair become increasingly ruthless as Elliott goes against his usual good-guy image. The audience sympathies are fully with the outlaws in this story. Writer-Director Pesce gives the story a relentless pace as the antagonists maneuver around each other. Visually, the film owes a lot to Leone and Peckinpah (right down to the slow motion death scenes) but the plot is so fast-paced and the characters are so interesting, the pyrotechnics never over-shadow the story. If you are a fan of either Elliott or Fiorentino, The Desperate Trail is a must see.

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

it coulda been a contender

[2 November 1999]

A meglomaniacal billionaire (Geoffrey Rush) invites a group of people to a legendary haunted house for a very unusual birthday party for his bitchy wife. The Billionaire then offers one million dollars to the people who survive through the night No, the plot isn't museum of screenwriting material, but it is serviceable. After all, what else can you expect from a remake of a 50s Bmovie? There is a lot of good things about this film; great photography, a lot of disturbing imagery, and a great battle of the hams between scenery chewers Rush and the very underrated Famke Janssen who plays Evelyn, the wife for whom the party is given. It's great to see these two tear into each other like a pair of rabid jackals. Unfortunately, with the good must come the bad. The editing is choppy and confusing, the dialogue was sophomoric and filled with a lot of self-conscious, ridiculous profanity and (with the exception of Jansen and Rush) the rest of the cast was wanting. But the thing that scuttled this film for me was the lamest, Deus ex Machina ending to come along since the days of the serials. It's like the producers ran out of money and told the director to end it as soon as possible. I can't think about it without cringing. In some ways,House on haunted Hill is worse than a bad movie; its a movie that could have been great, but blew the opportunity.

Arlington Road (1999)

yeah, right

[27 October 1999]

Usually, I like films like these: paranoid thrillers with disturbing endings. The problem with this movie is that it had far too many coincidences and lapses in logic to make the suspense credible. The final half hour was very well done and the twist ending was clever, but everything leading up to that moment was highly implausible. Even my suspension of disbelief doesn't stretch this far. Jeff Bridges stars as a history professor who begins his neighbor is a mad bomber (Tim Robbins)who blew up the Federal building in St. Louis months earlier. The rest of the movie follows Bridges character to get at the truth.

Arlington Road is very well-made, a slick thrill machine which the makers must have done on a rather limited budget.The performances are credible, especially Robbins, who cuts a menacing figure.But this film fails at the most important level: writing. The main and ultimately fatal problem with the script is that the villains of the piece, a highly organized and highly placed cabal of anti-government fanatics, are so effective in their schemes that you begin to suspect they are aliens with psychic powers. They have an amazing ability to know where everyone is at any given time and are somehow able to manipulate unsuspecting pawns to do their will. "Do you think we would leave anything to chance?" one of the villains asks Bridges towards the end. He ain't kidding, buster. These bad guys aren't human. They are nothing less than omniscient components of a giant plot machine cooked up by a 28 year old Hollywood writer. I'm sorry, but it's all too ridiculous,and I don't buy it.

American Beauty (1999)

Blech...

[4/10 · 11 October 1999]

"American Beauty" is the sometimes amusing, mostly irritating story of Lester Burnham, a middle aging, frustrated suburban schmuck and his dysfunctional (is there any other kind?) family. His wife, Carolyn, is a brittle, self-centered bitch. His moody 16-year old brat of a daughter, Jane, hates the sight of him because "he's such a lame-o". The film follows Lester as he goes through the standard Hollywood mid-life crisis, complete with a new job, hot car,and hot pants for Angela Hayes, his daughter's beautiful friend. Although these scenes are funny,the screenwriter is obviously trying to make this film more than a simple comedy. Therefore there are a lot of silly "artistic drama" touches that just don't work. Spacey is great, but with every scene that does not features Spacey's character, the film grinds to a halt. Most annoying is the "Dawson's Creek" sub-plot featuring Jane Burnham (Thora Birch) and the ultra-creepy, drug-dealing boy next door. What was supposed to come off as a touching story of two misfits finding love seems more like two insufferable, precocious brats feeding off each other's neuroses. The scene where the boy relates to Jane how he found God in a discarded plastic bag are hilariously pretentious. St. Augustine had nothing on this guy.

Annette Benning's distractingly over-the-top performance as Caroline doesn't help much either. Benning plays this character with all the subtlety Divine gave to Francine Fishpaw in "Polyester" (I bet John Waters laughed his ass off when he saw this tripe)

There are only two things that keep this film from being total junk. Spacey's performance throughout the film and the scene at the end where Jane's friend Angela (played by an amazing young actress named Mena Suvari) who had previously been disregarded by everyone as a shallow, egotistical, sex-pot breaks her facade to show Lester what a insecure, lonely girl she really is. If the rest of the film had the emotional honesty of this scene, it would have been a masterpiece. It seems to me that if the characters in this film weren't such selfish idiots, their various problems and miseries would have been solved in thirty seconds. Then we would have been spared this movie.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Your "average joe" could not comprehend the horror that is "Manos: Hands of Fate"

[1/10 · 11 October 1999]

I could not tell you what the worst movie ever made is, for I have not seen every movie ever made. But I can tell you with great confidence that "Manos: Hands of Fate" is the worst movie I have ever seen. Like most people,I have only seen this "film" in it's MST3K version. Even then, I almost had to turn it off. I can only shudder to think what the original version was like. My hat is off to those brave souls who have actually seen this monstrosity in it's entirety. How they managed to get through the final extended "landscape" scene at the end without the benefit of Tom Servo's hilarious monologue without shooting themselves is a wonder. People say Ed Wood was the worst film ever. Not by a longshot. At least he knew how to keep the damn camera in focus. Others talk of "Ator" or "Space Mutiny". Those were just stupid and inept products of mediocre minds. Hal Warren makes those guys look like Kurosawa. If you want to know how bad it can get, rent "Manos: Hands of Fate. From then on no matter how bad a movie you are watching, you will say to yourself, "at least it's not Manos: Hands of Fate."

The Undead (1957)

Not bad, considering.

[11 October 1999]

I have seen this weird little movie twice. The first was on MST3K and then I saw the straightforward version on AMC. I must say that this is the only movie I've seen on MST3K that did not fully deserve it's treatment. Granted there are a lot of problems with the film. The perfomers, for the most part, were mediocre. But not so bad as to make the film unwatchable.

The production values had the distinct odor of cheese to them, but what can you expect from circa 1957?

The plotline is interesting. A mad scientist hires a street hooker to be a guinea pig on his experiments on past life regession. He transports the woman to 16th century Europe where, in this incarnation, she is a witch. The woman has to make a choice of whether or not to allow her past incarnation to die so her future lives can come into being-or stay in the past to live with her lover. Of course this guy is such a twit, death might be preferable to a lifetime with him. So maybe she really had no choice, after all.

What makes this so interesting is that the whole thing had a anachronistic new-agey quasi-feminist tone that is about ten years ahead of it's time. I actually found myself ignoring Mike and the 'bots and trying to concentrate on what was going on in the film. It's the first time that had ever happened. When I saw the non-MSTie version I actually grew to like it. Check it out. You might be surprised.

Double Jeopardy (1999)

Judd was great; plot was ridiculous

[9 October 1999]

The number one ingredient for a good film is a good script. But occasionally, by sheer force of will, appealing actors and slick direction can make even the most hackneyed script almost watchable.

Such is the case of Bruce Beresford's latest opus, "Double Jeopardy", which is a showcase for the talents of the great Ashley Judd. Judd plays Libby Parsons, an affluent wife and mother, who is charged with murdering her husband and sent to prison. For those of you who haven't seen the needlessly revealing trailer for this film, I will not give away any more of the laboriously twisty plot except to say that the holes in this swiss cheese of a script are big enough to drive a truck through.

Fortunately for the filmakers, Judd is such a naturalistic actor that she gives a full three dimensions to her USA-movie of the week character. You find yourself suspending disbelief for the sake of Libby and her(implausible) quest for justice.

Adding marquee value to this dreck is Tommy Lee Jones, who is playing a slightly seedier version of the character he played in the "Fugitive" and "U.S. Marshals"

If you are a hard-core Ashley Judd completist, by all means, see "Double Jeopardy". Her performance is worth it. Otherwise, save your money and rent "Ruby in Paradise" or "Kiss the Girls" to see Ms. Judd in something better.

Revenge of the Musketeers (1994)

J'Adore Sophie Marceau

[29 September 1999]

Though I am not a fan of French Cinema in general, I am a huge fan of Sophie Marceau. Ever since I first saw her in Braveheart, I have tried to find every movie she has been in, whatever country it was produced in. In "Fille de d'Dartagnan" (which was released on video under the hideous title "Revenge of the Musketeers")the beautiful Sophie plays Eloise, the daughter of the legendary Gascon d'Artagnan, who leaves the convent in which she was raised to foil a plot to assassinate the young King Louis XIV. Along the way she reunites with her father and his Musketeer cronies who aid her in her quest. This film is a fun,lighthearted swashbuckler, very much in the tradition of Dumas's original stories. It is highlighted by a great serio-comic performance by Sopie herself. Her role as Eloise is a refreshing break from her usual noble heroine parts and adds a new dimension to her repertoire. She isn't bad in the action scenes either. Though I found her amazing sword skills a little hard to believe considering the fact she only left the convent a few weeks before. Did they give combat training to novices in 17th century French convents? I doubt it. That little quibble aside, I recommend this film for fans of action movies and it's a must for Marceau fans everywhere. After seeing this, I can't wait to see her as the new Bond villain. It's gonna be a blast.

Mountains of the Moon (1990)

One of the best movies no one has ever seen

[10/10 · 20 September 1999]

"Mountains of the Moon" is one of my all time favorites. I saw it first when it came out in theaters and watch it three or four times every year after that. It is the true story of Richard Francis Burton and John Henning Speke, two British explorers , once were great friends and how they allowed pride and envy to destroy their relationship. The focus of the film centers around Burton (Patrick Bergin) and Speke's (Iain Glenn) quest to find the source of the Nile river in Central Africa. In the process of the journey Burton becomes quite ill and Speke goes on ahead. It is then when Speke discovers a lake and declares it as the source they have been searching for. When they return to England, however, Burton is not convinced by Speke's data and becomes convinced that a larger lake has to be the true source. Burton decides to go back, without Speke. This second expedition enrages Speke, who becomes one of Burton's bitterest rivals and critics. Also thrown into this volatile mix is Burton's devoted, strong-willed wife Isabelle (Fiona Shaw)who will stop at nothing to protect her husband's reputation.It's the complex, very human relationships of this film which makes "Mountains of the Moon" stand out from other period pieces. This film has everything: adventure, romance, scope, and a great performance by Patrick Bergin, playing a true-life swashbuckler whose life could be material for several screen epics. This film is the Anti-"Titanic", a true epic that doesn't replace character and humanity for mindless eye-candy and spectacle. James Cameron should have screened this film before he started his God-awful "Titanic" script. See it. You won't be disappointed.

Stigmata (1999)

Boring, pretentious, ignorant, and just plain bad

[19 September 1999]

I am a Catholic, although I am by no means dogmatic about it. I feel that I am pretty open -minded when it comes to questioning the precepts and the official positions that the leaders of the Catholic Church state as law. In fact, I have felt that some events (such as the Reformation and Vatican II) that the more conservative elements of the church considered heresy were the best thing to happen to an institution that had become sedate, rich, and fat. A little heresy is good for the soul. So when I heard about the new film "Stigmata" and the uproar it was causing among certain elements in the Church, I figured it was just more of the same reactionary loudmouth that tried to get Scorcese's "Last Temptation of Christ" without even seeing the movie. So I went to "Stigmata" expecting more ado about absolutely nothing. I can now see that the morons had a point on this one. I found the movie to be a pretty ignorant stab at the Church. I wasn't offended, just amazed at the brainlessness of the whole thing. The story concerns Pittsburgh hairdresser Frankie Page (Patricia Arquette) and her perils after receiving a Rosary from a dead priest from Brazil.

It seems Frankie is experiencing Stigmata: a phenomenon in which a person suffers wounds similar to Christ's wounds when he was crucified. Catholic Theology believes that Stigmata is reserved only to holiest of people. So when the the Vatican gets wind of Frankie's troubles, they send a priest (Gabriel Byrne) to investigate. So far, so good. But then the whole film completely collapses under it's own pretentiousness. Instead of a fairly entertaining "Exorcist"-style thriller, The filmakers decided to make a feature-length anti-catholic diatribe. The blatantly false propaganda in this flick would warm the heart of every Kluxer and Orange Orderman in the world. It seems the nefarious Vatican had been supressing an Aramaic Gospel that supposedly would shake the idea of organized religion to it's very foundations, and an evil Cardinal (Johnathon Pryce, pretty much playing the same guy he played in "Tomorrow Never Dies") will stop at nothing to keep this Gospel from the suppressed Catholic masses. Including killing Frankie Page, who was chosen to spread the word of this Gospel. This wouldn't be so bad if their theology wasn't so faulty. The Gospel in question is the apochryphal Gospel of St.Thomas which was found around the same time of the Dead Sea Scrolls in Nag Hammadi. Unfortunately for the filmakers, this Gospel was not the oldest written (Mark still holds that honor) nor was it written in Aramaic (it was written in Greek, like all the other Gospels) nor was it suppressed.It simply is a collection of Jesus's sayings, most of which were found in Mark. There is nothing shocking or revolutionary about it. The writer just assumed that the Nag Hammadi gospels were obscure enough to use Thomas to sound "legitimate" when he was spewing his propaganda. It's an insult to my intelligence to be jerked around like that. Some of us know better. The idiot producers damn well should have known better. In addition to the bad Theology and History, Stigmata is simply a bad movie. The director obviously went to the Micheal Bay film school. Glossy images, loud noises, and cuts so fast that they give you vertigo. It makes "Armegeddon" look like a model of linear storytelling. I got a headache just watching it. It is said that the holier a person is, the more he suffers on earth. Well, I must be a freaking saint by now because watching "Stigmata" was suffering the torments of the damned.

Shannon's Deal (1989 TV Movie)

Reason number 324 why networks should be smashed into a million pieces and scattered to the winds

[15 September 1999]

I remember seeing this show when I was a kid. I was just starting to get into books written by Nelson Algren and the films of Martin Scorsese. This show really reminded of those great storytellers. And since I was living in Chicago at the time, I could really relate to the gritty urban environment and the hard boiled but sympathetic characters. I was disappointed as hell when they cancelled it after something like 10 episodes. It was the first of a long string of series that I fell in love with only to have them yanked by the bloated, greedy, scum-sucking networks ("EZ Streets" and "Under Suspicion" among many others). If you can find the pilot episode on video(written by the great John Sayles) I encourage you to see it. Then you could see what American TV could be like if it wasn't under the tyranny of the networks.

Ally McBeal (1997–2002)

It's the babe co-stars, stupid!

[11 September 1999]

During this show's first season I watched a couple episodes and I could not stand it. I found it grating and all the characters (especially the title characters) were self-absorbed whiners who I wanted to take a rifle to.

In the second season, they introduced two new characters which amazingly changed the entire dynamic of the show and now I eagerly await every episode. Lucy Liu ("Ling") and Portia De Rossi ("Nelle") are not simply hot babes (though they are certainly that) but are also very skillful comediennes who steal every scene they are in. Yes, Ling and Nelle are every bit as self absorbed as the rest of the cast, but these two don't whine about it. They don't aspire to be better people, they are sardonic, cynical, steel-cast bitches and proud of it. They are a perfect foil to the title character's sickly, insipid personality. Those of you who wrote this show off during the first season might want to give it another go. You might be suprised.

The Matrix (1999)

Joe Pants should have kicked Keanu's scrawny, woooden ass

[10 September 1999]

Since I burst into violent, uncontrollable fits of laughter whenever the image of Keanu Reeves is projected onto a screen, I have avoided seeing "The Matrix" despite all the great things I have heard about it. To me, Mr. Reeves will always be Theodore Logan, esq. But when some friends invited us to see the film at the local drive-in (yes, they still have drive-in theaters) I felt that the only polite thing to do was to accept. Besides,this movie was made by the guys who made "Bound", I thought to myself. If "The Matrix" was half as good as "Bound", not even the horribly inept Reeves could scuttle it. I thought that this could be the one movie that would give the dork some credibility. I have never been so wrong in my life. This movie sucked royally.

It was the only movie in recent memory where I was actively rooting for the bad guys to kill all the good guys they could lay their hands on. It was an effort to sit through, and it wasn't because I was sitting in my '82 Subaru station wagon at the time. The plot (such as it was ) concerns a computer hacker named Anderson (Reeves) who is recruited by a mysterious underground group (led by Laurence Fishburne, waiting for his paycheck)to fight a dark conspiracy that affects all of humanity. It seems Anderson-whose screen name is Neo (subtle, huh?)-could be the messianic "chosen one" who will bring balance to the Force and bring down the evil galactic empire and...what? oh sorry, wrong movie. But that's the feeling I got when I was watching this predictable, pretentious mix of recycled plots and new-age techno-babble.I felt that I had seen this all before in countless other, better stories. To make things worse,there is a really creepy tone of pious pseudo-religiosity throughout the whole film. It was like watching a recruiting film to a second-rate cult. "Star Wars" uses the same kinds of religious metaphor, but at least Lucas and company have the good sense of not taking themselves too seriously. As for the much vaunted special effects and action sequences, all I can say is that that kind of stuff doesn't impress me as it it once did. These scenes were simply noisy rip-offs of Hong Kong chop-socky flicks. Reeves wasn't as bad as I thought he would be. But that's probably just because his garden variety mediocrity pales besides the sheer rotteness of the film itself. There are only two saving graces in this film. Joe Pantoliano is his usual terrific self and I found myself sympathizing with him, even though his character wasn't supposed to be sympathetic. But everyone else in the film was so nauseatingly noble that he was the only real human in the bunch.

Carrie Ann-Moss, who plays the tough and sexy Trinity was pretty good, until the God-awful ending where her character turns into a typical simpering Hollywood female and inexplicably falls in love with the male lead. Maybe her next movie will allow her to play a person and not a plot point. I hope the Wachowski Brothers have something better up their sleeves next time. They are in danger of becoming one -hit wonders.

The Eternal (1998)

bleh...

[25 August 1999]

I rented this because Christopher Walken was in it. Unfortunately, his presence took up only about fifteen minutes of screen time at the beginning. I hate when video companies sucker you like that. The rest of the movie was a mediocre mish-mash of supernatural hokum and arty, self-conscious camera-work. The premise had potential, but the execution is so blundered that it will just leave you confused and bored. The only good thing I can say about this film is the not-half-bad performance by Allison Elliot in a dual role. This kind of thing could scuttle a less talented actor, but Ms. Elliot managed to rise above the B-movie trappings.Glancing at her filmography, it seems she has a chameleon-like gift for changing her appearance and manner so drastically from role to role, that you don't realize it's the same person. I could have sworn the characters she played in this film were two different people. This neat little trick will never make her a star, but it should give her a solid career as a character actor. Now if she could get an agent who will prevent her from doing stuff like this.

Licence to Kill (1989)

Dalton was really the only guy who got it right

[25 August 1999]

What most people don't seem to understand is that the qualities timothy dalton gave to the James Bond character that they hate so much are precisely the qualities that Ian Flemming put in his literary creation. Fleming's James Bond was not a smirking playboy on holiday, like the rest of them played it (yes, even Connery) but a serious guy in a serious business. Think of Mike Hammer with a bigger IQ, an English accent, and a dark streak of gallows humor.Licence to Kill is the closest, in terms of mood and sensibilities, to Flemings original creations. Most of the scenes that the fans objected to as being too violent were taken directly from the novels. The "Disagreement with something that ate him" bit was lifted directly from the novel "Live and Let Die" (which was the first in the series of wretched Roger Moore travesties). Most of the other "ultraviolent" scenes were also derived from the various short stories. It seems the screenwriters of the Dalton Bonds actually consulted the source material. Dalton seemed to have done his research as well. His Bond is not a superhero, but a professional with a few extra skills to keep him ahead of the competition. Independent and headstrong, he's just the kind of guy who would risk everything for a pal who'd been hurt by a bad guy (the Mike Hammer thing again). Now don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed the other James Bond films (with the exception of Moore) and I will continue to watch Bond films in the future. It's just that I'm tired of seeing Dalton pilloried by the public for the very traits that make him the most authentic of them all. Whether you people like it or not, Dalton was the real deal. His rejection was one of the great injustices in recent cinema history.

Halifax f.p.: Sweet Dreams (1996) Season 1, Episode 8

This is what U.S. TV should be like

[23 August 1999]

I just caught this film on cable. Apparently, it is the sixth in a very successful series of movies shown on Australian TV. It features a police psychiatrist named Jane Hallifax and her attempts to help an old police colleague who's been accused of murder. Being a hard core fan of crime fiction, I always am interested when a new detective series pops up,so I gave this one a try.I was not disappointed. In some ways, this film is reminiscent of the American series, "Profiler", but is superior to that show in every way.The plot is much more complex and the characters are less cartoonish than than the American version.I look forward to seeing other installments in this series. Why does it seem that the best things on American TV are imported from other countries? No wonder the networks are going down the tubes. For anyone who likes a good detective thriller, or just wants to see good TV for a change, should check "Hallifax" out.

Polish Wedding (1998)

At least they could have done some research

[6 August 1999]

I have recently spent ninety of the most painful minutes of my movie-viewing life watching a film called "Polish Wedding". Apparently, this film was supposed to be one of those warm-heated slice of life tales about a colorful ethnic family living and kvetching in big city USA. Detroit, from the looks of the place, but I can't be sure. Plotless, pointless, and ultimately offensive, this film is a disaster. The first ominous sign is the opening credits. No one in the cast and crew seemed to be remotely Polish. This movie features a Swede (Lena Olin, doing a bad Natasha Fatale accent) an Irishman (Gabriel Byrne,even worse) and a sickly-sweet all-American girl (Claire Danes, who should be barred from doing movies forever). Having lived in Chicago for several years, and having married a second generation Polish girl, I can honestly say that the characters in this film resemble no Poles that I have ever met. The "Poles" in this movie are the same lazy, drunken, selfish louts that idiot writers have variously identified as Irish, Greek,Italian, Jewish, Spanish, and other ethnic groups in the past five or six decades. I guess it was the Poles turn now. I don't think it's malicious, I think it's just laziness.

But it's a real pity. The Poles have a rich culture that is worth making a good movie out of. I have to go now. My normally lovely, sweet-tempered wife is screaming obscenities and threatening to throw the TV out the window.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Not bad, but leave your brain at the door

[4 August 1999]

Renny Harlin's latest opus, "Deep Blue Sea", is everything a person could come to expect from a Hollywood summer blockbuster. It is derivative, mindless, and totally lacking any social or artistic value. Having said all that, I must admit,that once I shut my brain down and began watching it in it's proper context, I must admit I rather enjoyed the silly thing. "Deep Blue Sea" is a reved-up hybrid of "Jaws" and "Alien" featuring a pack of genetically enhanced Mako sharks who use their heightened intelligence to attempt to escape the mid-ocean research lab they were created in.To accomplish their goal they have to kill all the people on the lab who want to keep them where they are. Imagine the raptors of Jurrasic Park with fins and gills and you have a pretty good idea of what these sharks are like. It's a bare whisp of a plot, but it's serviceable enough to keep the film going at a pretty good clip without straining suspension of disbelief to badly. Like all Renny Harlin films, "Deep Blue Sea" is filled with spectacular action sequences and set pieces. Harlin also takes full advantage of the best special effects technology a studio could buy to come up with very lifelike, scary sharks. Harlin is truly a master at what he does. Another big factor in what makes this film work is the surprisingly good performances from most of the cast. With the exception of the top-billed Samuel L. Jackson (who seemed to have faxed in his performance from a Beverly Hills golf course) every actor in the film seemed to make the best of their rather thankless roles as shark-bait. The two biggest surprises came from the two relative unknowns Harlin cast in the leads: Thomas Jane and British actress Saffron Burrows. Thomas Jane (who resembles a younger Eric Roberts) has been around for awhile, but it wasn't until last year, when he was cast as the world-weary Pvt. Ash in "The Thin Red Line", did people finally begin to notice him. His role in "Deep Blue Sea", as a swashbuckling shark-wrangler who must fight them off, displays a Harrison Ford-like charisma that should take him far. The singularly beautiful Saffron Burrows is equally good as the obsessed scientist who tries to keep her rather insane experiment at all costs, to the chagrin of Jane's character. Like her appearance in the dreadful "Wing Commander" earlier this year, Burrows tries to add some humanity and dimension to what is basically a card-board cartoon. In the case of "Deep Blue Sea", she succeeds. There is a lot of sexual and romantic tension between Jane and Burrows early in this film. Unfortunately, the writers and Harlin have other things on their minds, and the sparks between these two appealing leads are allowed to fizzle. Too bad. Despite that minor complaint, "Deep Blue Sea" is not a bad popcorn flick as far popcorn flicks go, and if you compare it with most of the wretched sewage that came out this summer("The Haunting, "Wild, Wild, West) it's a freakin' masterpiece.