Tim Fox Reviews

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)

It gives great head, er, brain!

[29 January 2000]

Pardon the sick joke, but there are more coming, the way this movie turned out.

So a doctor (who, according to his father, is obsessed with "playing God!") takes his fiancee, drives out to his house, and promptly crashes. What happens to the darling debutante? Well, lucky thing that the doctor really IS obsessed with playing God, because he wraps up the head, takes it home, puts the ol' noodle in a lasagna pan, and brings it back to life. But it's kinda hard to make love to a bodiless woman (despite the above statement) so he goes out searching for the nicest body this side of Raquel Welch. Ah, every man's dream come true. But the other Ms. doesn't take kindly to having her mouth taped shut (long story), so she chums up with the Frankenstein monster in the closet (even longer story) and kills the doctor and herself, the suicidal maniac (short story, really.)

It's amazing - Virginia Leith (who acted for Kubrick - I can't recall which film) shows off more acting ability from her head up than most of the actors in this flick can project from their entire body. The only one who comes close is Leslie Daniel, as the doctor's Shakespearean assistant. Oh, I can you dig the subtlety behind the cat-fight ending with the "Meow"? I need not go any further.

A Journey to the Beginning of Time (1955)

Karel Zeman - the unsung hero.

[29 January 2000]

Man, what a hoot this film is. Sure, a bunch of kids go rowing one day and find a cave that leads them to the "beginning of time" (which looks more like the Czech version of Bronson Canyon). Oh, and they meet some "animated" dinosaurs along the way and torment a frog puppet. How do the boys react? Jo-Jo, the Huck Finn clone, goes off fishing and is lost about a hundred times, which gives them a good excuse to pad the film with "looking for Jo-Jo scenes", the pith-helmeted Tony goes off to take some pictures and falls into a mud pit, later being mistaken for a caveman, Ben wears a diaper on his head, and the beret-wearing Doc - well, doc provides the educational aspect of the film. Oh, yes . . . It IS an educational film! Not the original Czech version, mind you, the U.S. Distributors thought that teachers would buy it to show it in class if they added a segment at the beginning where a stand-ins for the original actors take a stroll through the museum. It's enough to make Darwin roll over in his grave. Don't miss!

The Skydivers (1963)

How to imagine this movie? Hmm . . .

[10/10 · 28 January 2000]

Okay. First, imagine a regular, well, abnormal episode of "Wings". Now, Imagine that it stars a group of sub-par actors like Tony Cardoza or the feminine Kevin Casey. Now imagine that it has a singing group headed by the star of West Side Story (Yes, you heard me right. You could even check the sources.) Then visualize a supporting cast of dorky photographers and ice skaters and horny doctors and such. Then edit the film for commercials so that it will go along quicker. Hell, just edit it anywhere! What? You say it still isn't long enough? Add lots and lots of skydiving footage. Shovel on the skydiving footage. Got the general idea? Good.

The Tingler (1959)

Second only to "House on Haunted Hill"

[28 January 2000]

It's a lucky thing that some of William Castle's gimmicks survive on film (I'm not going to reveal the incredible secrets of the "real" gimmick because most of you already know it; for those of you who don't, let's just say it's "shocking". BWA HA HA!).

Vincent Price is working on a discovery with assistant Darryl Hickman (Dobie Gillis?) and finds out that a organism called the tingler lives off human fear and nests in a person's back. Whenever we are frightened, it grows bigger, and is only stopped by screaming. See what I mean? First, he tries to take it out of his promiscuous 20 year-old wife, but then finds a voiceless victim and removes it from her. Surprise, surprise - it grows bigger and menaces the hottest make-out place in town - the silent movie theater. As Vincent Price puts it, "SCREAM! SCREAM FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Other gimmicks? Well, there is a color scene in which the voiceless woman finds a bathtub full of blood with a hand reaching out of it (color sequences sure were popular back then, what with this, "War of the Colossal Beast", "Picture of Dorian Gray" and all; I guess they would rather see part of a horror film in color than a weepy tearjerker in full color. Oh well.) Did I forget that this was the first "trip" film, too? Vincent Price injects himself with some LSD to "frighten" himself, and the results, to say the least, are hysterical. I guess the screenwriter went rather in-depth on his research for the script!

It Conquered the World (1956)

Cucumber? Try Ice cream cone!

[28 January 2000]

What adjective is best to use when describing a film where Peter Graves fights what looks like the Good Humor alien while also shooting its bat-like minions, ending with a speech about man's nature as being "feeling"? Well, if it was directed by Roger Corman, it has to be quirky!

Drama-wise, the film does well, even if it is an obvious steal from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" AND "The Day the Earth Stood Still". The male leads, Peter Graves and Lee Van Cleef, perform admirably, but it is Beverly Garland of My Three Sons who steals the show as Van Cleef's ever-suffering wife ("I won't love a monster, I won't!") And, of course, there's always the regular Corman cast of stock players, including the cute Sally Fraser, who unfortunately is shot (by her husband, no less - good gravy, this whole film is rather sexist! Killing off all the women characters? Pretty pushy, even back then.) And Russ Bender as the possessed general. And who would've suspected that Dick Miller and Jonathan Haze are the comedy relief soldiers? Let's hope those bat things aim carefully.

The Blade Master (1983)

Not a film to dwell on, if you know what I mean.

[2 November 1999]

Ator, the so-called Blade Master in this flick, (played by leather pancake Miles O' Keefe) is called from the ends of the Earth along with his disgustingly named friend Thong by Mila, the daughter of Akronos, who has invented the geometric nucleus, an atomic bomb or something. So, they walk through the woods, fight a few cavemen and invisible people that magically completely disappear when killed, some warriors straight from THE SEVEN SAMURAI, defeat a giant snake puppet that eats little girls, puppy dog tails, and . . . oh wait a minute, where was I? Oh yes, and at the end, Ator invents a hang glider in about, oh, say, 10 MINUTES! flies to the end, beats some evil guy wearing a swan helmet, and rides off on a horse. The end.

MST3K had good reason to watch this film, but people have put more print on this page than about the movie, (besides, they cut out part of a fight scene) so let's move on. Sheesh. What a turgid piece of film. No surprise the director went on to do TROLL 2 later on in his career. Anyone who thinks that the 1983 remake of HERCULES is bad sword and sorcery ought to check this dog out. The pairing of Ator and Thong is comparable to Inspector Clouseau and Cato in the Pink Panther series. Lisa Foster as Mila is a nice looker, even if she can't act her way out of a wet paper bag. Did I mention that no one else in this film could act worth !$#%? And the goofs they mention at the end of the MST3K episode are only the tip of the iceberg: At one point, is it visible that the warriors are wearing sneakers, and in some long shot of the interior of the cave, stairs are clearly visible! Not that I'm slamming the MST3K version, it's probably the only way some can stand to see it. Oh, and if you *liked* this, watch the prequel, ATOR, THE FIGHTING EAGLE, or the sequel, QUEST FOR THE MIGHTY SWORD. Still, it is a sight better than the other film FVI got ahold of, POD PEOPLE.

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Should I say this is filmdom's worst or Jerry Warren's best?

[10/10 · 31 October 1999]

Anyway, I received this little mish-mash of a film as a present. I got it in the MST3K version, so it's funny. Chances are, the original version is just as funny as this one is. Just not in the way Jerry Warren planned it. Or did he?

Enough speculation. The film, that looks like the charred remains of several other films scotch-taped together, deals with a former burlesque-act-turned-superhero Batwoman (copyright infringement #1), who spends most, in fact, of the movie in a Merry Widow nightgown with a low top and a Michael Jackson hairdo. Here, she talks to her Batgirls through a ping-pong ball ring. What do these girls do? Fight "crime". In their spare time, dance to some band that should just go straight to the drugs. The "crime", in this case, is a scientist (who looks inexplicably like the one from THE CREEPING EYE) who invents pills that make people rain dance, and some two dumb guys with fake moustaches and some animal-man who acts like this was his big break. And their leaded by some guy named Rat Fink (copyright infringement #2) who wants a hearing aid that can also explode. Add in lots of dancing, some cruel racist jokes, Steve Brodie dancing (Ick!) Corman regular Bruno VeSota, stock footage from THE MOLE PEOPLE, a villian that splits into five different people, and you've got a night of what passes for entertainment in these parts.

IF you're like most people, you should probably keep away from the original form; such camp in its unaltered state could be deadly. For all the rest of you B-movie lovers, dig in. Just don't get a stomach-ache.

The Crawling Eye (1958)

An under-appreciated gem.

[10/10 · 31 October 1999]

This film has too much bad rap. Most people just pass it off as another "bad 50's sci-fi flick". You want bad? See THE CRAWLING HAND or BRIDE OF THE MONSTER.

The plot, adapted from the BBC teleserial, brings our attention to Forrest Tucker an American who bears a striking resemblance to Paul Birch. Anyway, he meets a touring telepathic sister act including Jennifer Jayne and Janet Munro (star of plenty of Disney flicks; and mother of Caroline Munro?). After stopping at a small town in Switzerland called Trollenberg, Forrest goes up to a secret lab and meets a goofy German scientist, in which he reveals he came to this place to study a radioactive, stationary cloud. What's inside? Well, if you can't tell from the title, there's no hope for you. In terms of acting, suspense, and writing (courtesy of Hammer regular Jimmy Sangster), this film holds up pretty well today. But the effects are mediocre, but cool-looking; the eyes emit a cool sound when attacked. But there are some stretches of belief: Forrest doesn't act like he knows what the cloud is, and yet later we find out he dealed in a similar experiment in The Andes! But some creepy moments later make up for this, like the beginning sequence, in which the group of students find their friend headless. (But how could he scream when he was falling if his head was already chopped off? Oh Well.)

Still, this film does make for some funny spoofs, like the imitation on the cartoon FREAKAZOID and being notable as the first movie ever made fun of by MST3K. It must be a step forward somehow.

Bride of the Monster (1955)

"Home? I hava no home . . ."

[31 October 1999]

So says Bela Lugosi in this skid-row classic from Ed Wood, Mr. Camp himself.

The plot of the film deals with "The Old Willow's Place" a spooky house in the Middle of Lake Marsh, or Marsh Lake, or whatever it is they call it in one segment. An attractive reporter, sensing a story (hey, who wouldn't?) goes to investigate and discovers Lobo (Tor Johnson, Super Swedish Angel!) and Dr. Eric Vornoff (the already mentioned Bela Lugosi) inside the laboratory inside the house (complete with paper stone walls that shake when hit!) Dr. Vornoff has a nasty plan of turning people into atomic supermen, and has created a rubber octopus on the side, which leads to the most memorable scene in the movie when Lugosi (or his double) is chased by the police into the water and is attacked by the lifeless creature. It's worth the price of admission alone.

My opinion? Well, it's not as (good)bad as PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, but it's not as (bad)good as JAIL BAIT. The acting isn't too bad *for an Ed Wood film*, and the story is fairly decent (it helps that this was written by Alex Gordon, a person they should've kept in the Ed Wood film and the man behind THE SHE CREATURE and THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE). One thing I've noticed, though, is that Ed has a lot of comedy reliefs (besides the necessary is he?] Kelton the Cop). Bela does give a nice speech in the middle of the film, though ("One is always considered man when he discovers something that others cannot grasp!"). Still, it is rather odd that the dear old aging doctor fares better than his perfectly healthy subjects when submitted to the ray!

So, for a fun-filled angora evening, chose BRIDE OF THE MONSTER. You'll be glad you did, even if it isn't as horrifying as DRACULA or FRANKENSTEIN!

Reptilicus (1961)

Ineptilicus!

[10/10 · 30 October 1999]

Okay, there's this tail section, see, and it thaws out, and it grows into a puppet that looks like an Oriental Ollie with wings. It spits out cracker spread and eats Popeye the Sailor Man. The Danish army, under the head of an American (of course) is brought in to fight the puppet. Several other features of this classic include some of the worst dubbing this side of Manos, some extremely stupid and chauvanistic scientists, a guard in a farmer's outfit who sticks his hand in an electric eel tank and acts like he's being electrocuted (one must see it to believe it), and some travelogue of Denmark leading up to the song "Tivoli Nights". And there's some bikers who rode over a bridge for no apparent reason but besides they need the money. Sid Pink said of this film "In the 86 day shooting schedule, I did everything wrong in the book and then some. But it just goes to show that a movie does not necessarily need to be good to be successful." How could you not love it?

The Spider (1958)

Saying it's fighting against the entire world is like saying that the Colossal Beast is at war.

[30 October 1999]

I guess Bert needed a catchier title than just The Spider, which was what this was originally titled. Following in the wakes of TARANTULA, Bert I. Gordon bestows upon us this, um, epic of medium proportions. The story deals with two teens in a small midwestern town (one of whom works at a theater which so blatantly displays a poster of Gordon's AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN) go looking for the girl's father, who was killed, it turns out, by a web belonging to the titular beast, which, coincidentally, is never explained how it grew so big or survived for so long, even if Ed Kemmer from SPACE PATROL tries to explain. But egghead Ed manages to kill the spider and bring it back to the school gym where it is locked up. But wouldn't you know it - the evils of rock and roll bring it to life and it kills Mr. Ziffel from GREEN ACRES. How can they kill it? Electricity, anyone?

Lord, you have to admire a man like Bert who directed, produced, wrote, and created the special effects. Sure, the effects suck, but think about it. He saved money and became an auteur at the same time! And while we're on the effects . . . let's just say Plan 9 has some serious competition, as it deals with the spider attacking photos of buildings or walking along as a rear projection which the audience can clearly see through. And please, the spider could fit in the gym, how could it tower over a three story building? But an added advantage this has is that the spider in this one has a web, even if no one sticks to it. And truth be told, it's actually quite entertaining, in a perverse sort of way. At least it doesn't have the long, dull stretches that most Gordon films do. Thank you, Mr. Gordon.

The Phantom Planet (1961)

One of the better movies on MST3K.

[10/10 · 6 October 1999]

This is one of those movies on Mystery Science Theater that's actually pretty good (considering that this is from the creators of 12 to the Moon!)

The plot is simple enough. An asteroid wandering dangerously through the galaxy is causing havoc, so two astronauts (including the late Dean Fredericks and Richard Weber, the first hippie astronaut) discover the planet, but only after Weber has sacrificed his life for Fredericks. When he lands on the planet, he shrinks to the size of a puppet and meets the inhabitants of the planet, such as femme-fatale Colleen Gray and Francis X. Bushman as Sesom (Moses backwards). But they don't want him to grow back to original size and need his help in the fight against the Solarites, a group of puppy-faced monsters who want to burn up the universe. Can the astronaut find help in his former enemy, or does he want to stay with the mute girl he has fallen in love with?

Some of the other actors worth mentioning are Marvin Miller, who played the voice of Robby the Robot, Richard Kiel ("Jaws"), and Anthony Dexter of the "epic" Fire Maidens from Outer Space. The special effects are okay, but the phantom planet bears a striking resemblance to a popcorn chicken piece, and the ray guns sound like six-shooters. A lot of these scenes seem to pre-date 2001. Nice idea to do a sci-fi remake of a fantasy classic (Gulliver's Travels.) If you want to see the same idea gone horribly wrong, though, see the incredibly cheap "The Wizard of Mars" for basically the same!

Eegah (1962)

The name is NOT written in blood!

[10/10 · 25 September 1999]

If this film's title is trying to make us think that this caveman actually KIILS someone, the producers are out of their minds.

But we knew that.

Anyway, to put it best, this film is like "The Flintstones" meets "Beach Party". There's a kid named Arch Hall, Jr. who basically sings a lot (with an invisible backup group!) and looks pudgy. His girlfriend, Roxy, finds a prehistoric caveman in the desert and they go after it. But Roxy's dad (Arch Hall, Sr. in real life) breaks his arm and gets caught by Eegah, the caveman (Richard Kiel, "Jaws" from James Bond). Later, Roxy gets caught by Eegah, and just as they are about to engage in some hot monkey love (there's a disgusting shaving sequence in the previous scene), along comes Mr. Cabbage Patch Elvis (as our friends at MST3K put it) and shoots him. But as they drive away in what used to be a 1935 Ford, but what is called a "Dune Buggy", Eegah gives chase and follows them back to Palm Springs, where he pushes Ray Dennis Steckler into a pool and gets shot by the police. And the dad quips about a verse in the Bible showing that he is "real".

No wonder it was voted one of the Worst Movies of All Time. But anyone who liked Robot Monster or Plan 9 from Outer Space will probably enjoy it. And don't forget the valuable lesson . . .

"Watch out for snakes!"

Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)

Can your hearts stand the shocking facts of Edward D. Wood, Jr.'s most ambitious film?

[25 September 1999]

For anyone who does not know, this film was voted "The Worst Movie of all Time". But who am I kidding? If you'd read any of the other reviews, you know this already. But it is not really, in recent light. (Chances are people like Al Adamson, W. Lee Wilder or Coleman Francis were on the voting board.) But this is, undoubtedly, one of the top 10, and definitely one of the most enjoyable.

Now, for those of you locked in the basement since WW2, Plan 9 is about events in the future that could affect you in the future. Events like flying hubcaps attacking Hollywood. Or dead people like Vampira or Bela Lugosi's stand-in walking around aimlessly, attacking the giant infant Tor Johnson in a cardboard graveyard. Or aliens in pajamas resurrecting more dead and insulting our intelligence. Or day turning to night. As Criswell would say, "There comes a time when man can't even believe his own eyes."

If you watch 10,000,000 movies in your lifetime, make sure you watch this one, and . . . TELL YOUR CHILDREN.

CAN YOU PROVE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

Future War (1997 Video)

Too horrid, even for me.

[1/10 · 13 September 1999]

And I saw it on MST3K. Watching this is like being hypnotized by Bela Lugosi. SLEEP!

But I'd better paraphrase an already paraphrased movie.

The film starts out on a Battlestar Galactica rip-off. We never see any actors, we just hear their voices. Later, one of the survivors (who must've been cloned to resemble Jean Claude Van-Damme to the most minute detail) lands on Earth and runs from Robert Z'Dar, who thankfully resembles no one I know. They have a fight among a bunch of boxes, Z'dar gets killed, and a dinosaur puppet blows up. Yes, they tried to spice things up by adding dinosaurs. If this segment is any indication, it's all down hill from here. The Guy meets a nun and some fat guys, and a little kid, a dinosaur attacks and the fat guys get eaten or something, and then the nun and the runaway jog-walk out of danger and narrate the rest of the picture, which has to deal with the nun's friend who died.

Anything else to mention? Forrest J. Ackermann dies. A few actors appear twice in the film. Robert Z'Dar comes back to life and attacks the runaway on their wedding day at the phoniest looking church in history (think ramp for people in wheelchairs.)

What else can I say? I'm the kind of guy who would chop off my arm if it could get me another Ed Wood movie, and yet this is too painful for me to watch, even. If thine eyes offend thee, pluck them out!

Red Zone Cuba (1966)

A film with a vision . . .

[10/10 · 3 September 1999]

Sure, Coleman Francis probably had cataracts and couldn't find his glasses, and he was standing in a dark tunnel, but we must give him credit, for this film tries desperately with a burning desire to tell the story of corruption, power, and chronicles of the evils of Communism and the beauty of planes, coffee, and cigarettes. And Cherokee Jack.

Those bad films which stand out the most are those who the makers considered art. Ed Wood's Glen or Glenda? Is a good example. Who would dare make a film revealing such shocking facts in that day and age? Transvestism was a no-no back then. And Phil Tucker even said of his own film, Robot Monster "For the budget and for the time, I thought I had achieved Greatness."

And what does this film try to convey to the public? Commies suck. Well, maybe not. Let's just start with the *uh-hum* plot . ..

Coleman Francis plays Griffin, a man who "ran all the way to Hell." But on his way, he picked up two bumbling farmhands (Producer Tony Cardoza and Harold Saunders of The Skydivers), who were on their way to fight in Cuba. After flying with the most memorable character of the film (Buddy Hackett look-a-like Cherokee Jack, who sadly only has two minutes screen time.) After talking to a guy named Justine (!), the soldiers-of-fortune train for battle for a couple minutes, and then walk along to the beach to Coleman Francis's idea of a PT boat, a family pontoon. Soon, they land in an extremely un-tropical Cuba (probably the Gulf of Mexico) and climb up the cliffs towards Castro's hideout. This segment is, by far, the most entertaining aspect of the whole film. It's supposed to be midnight, yet it's clearly daylight, the American Forces outnumber the entire Cuban population, and the HQ of Castro is an apartment complex. The music, however, is entertaining (probably they used stock themes.) But, sadly, our heroes get captured without even firing a shot. then, after being exposed to a lengthy segment of the rebels being shot and Coleman sniffing someone's pant leg, they break the neck of a guard (who, if you look closely enough, was the same actor who played an executed rebel a scene earlier!) and capture a crop duster, flying off to America and freedom. By the way, the jump-cut from Cuba to America is one of the most poorly executed in history. It looks like they just waited until they ran out of film and pasted on the next segment. Sadly, the rest of the film doesn't live up to the entertaining quality of the first part, dealing with the heroes throwing a restaurant owner down a well and shooting Justine's wife before being shoot by a posse of policemen (posse's were one of Coleman Francis's trademarks.) The End. Did I mention that John Carradine is the engineer who is telling the story, and that he ALSO sings the theme song? It's truly a career first for Carradine.

Finally, if you wanted my honest opinion (I know some of you won't), this film is barely a monument in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame. The first half of the film is worthy of anything Ed Wood or Al Adamson has ever made, if not better, but after the escape from Cuba, scenes are padded out needlessly, with trips to the grocery store, looking at the car, etc. It could've been great. Maybe Coleman should've just cut out the last part. But then again, that would make an incredibly shoddy film even shoddier.

On a final note, no normal human being can withstand the amazing levels of sheer stupidity radiating from this film. Best viewed on MST3K. If otherwise, congratulations. You're viewing the artistic work of a "genius". Good luck, and may our hopes be with you.

Wings (1927)

You don't have to be a fan of silent films to like this one.

[10/10 · 3 September 1999]

*Note: before I begin my review, I must state that this film is in NO way related to the TV show of the same name. But you probably already figured that, so let's move on.

Charles "Buddy" Rogers and Richard Arlen play two young boys in pre-WWI days, with the former having a desire for car-racing and the both of them having a desire for Jobyna Ralston (who was actually Arlen's wife at the time - go figure.) Also, the "It" girl, Clara Bow, has a desire for Rogers, but he does not return the love. Unfortunately, they were just an itsy bit pre-WWI too late. So they're off to the war against Germany. Arlen and Rogers go off to fight in the war, and once they are signed up, they begin training (along with some guy who looks and acts like Danny Thomas who has trouble convincing the Air Force that he's not German. He convinces them with a tattoo on his arm of the American Flag. Yes, comic relief. Yes, we see more of him.) they both go off to the air. But after flying for only a few moments, they are attacked by a baron of some sort, who has "The Chivalry of the Sky" (i.e., he doesn't kill the heroes.) But soon, Bow is off as a nurse to save her dream boy, nearly killed by an air raid that is in turn stopped by Rogers. Later, during shore-leave in France, Bow tries to save her drunk boy wonder again by becoming a "beau" and taking him up to her room. But some Army Officers charge in, taking out Ms. Bow of the army. And it's finally time for our climactic apex, in which the entire Armed Forces engage in a very big (and immensely entertaining) segment in which our heroes dog fight over the dough boys (I believe a young Gary Cooper is in this scene), and Arlen being shot down. But he manages to escape in one of the German's planes and almost makes it back to the HQ, but Rogers ironically shoots it down, landing on a small French chapel (!) killing Arlen. But Arlen forgives him before he dies, and Arlen goes back home a hero (Hedda Hopper, Hollywood columnist, is there to greet him!) And, finally, Bow and Rogers fall in love, see a shooting star, and she finally gets to show him that she has "IT". In other words, The end.

The Mark of Zorro (1920)

Light-hearted swashbuckler.

[3 September 1999]

Fairbanks, a jack of all trades (having co-written the script as well as starring and doing his own stunts) is at his best here as Zorro, the Spanish defender of the weak, which spawned at least a dozen more movies based on this (and a TV series, too.) The plot deals with Don Diego Vega, a playful young man who, when not making finger puppets on the wall or doing tricks with handkerchiefs, is prone to fatigue. But his father disapproves of such madness, suggesting that he marry the daughter Lolita, (Marguerite Del La Motte) of a family out of favor with the Governor of California. Unimpressed with Don Diego, the girl is instead in love with Zorro (also Fairbanks, which obviously means Don Diego IS Zorro.) But she has another suitor - in the form of Zorro's mortal enemy, Captain Ramon. And he and his men (including Noah Beery, who's part was an inspiration for the rotund captain in the TV series) will stop at nothing to capture him. Will Zorro save California? Will Don Diego and Lolita fall in love? Can Zorro finish his breakfast without being interrupted? Just sit back and enjoy Fairbanks's amazing stunts (which remind one of Buster Keaton) and remember: "Never do anything on an empty stomach - except eat!"

Gorgo (1961)

Pretty good entry in the "giant monster attacks well known city and destroys famous landmarks" genre.

[30 August 1999]

Bill Travers and William Sylvester (the latter having played Heywood Floyd in 2001 and also starring in *UGH* Devil Doll) are a group of fishermen/pirates who scour the ocean floor for gold and such. Well, one day, a volcano erupts while they are searching "some old rustbucket", and the next day, when they are repairing the boat, a prehistoric dinosaur (well, what other age did they come from?) attacks the island and is captured by the crew. Rather than donating it to the Irish government, they do the *cough* right thing and take it to London to sell to a circus for half of the profit to a Mr. Dorkin, one of the most tastelessly dressed men in the business. But then the monster escapes, right? No siree. Another dinosaur appears, except this one is MANY times taller. In other words, Dear old mum checks in to see how our babysitter friends are doing with her kid, and she won't be happy . . .

Despite some rather boring moments, this one, like Phantom Planet or Jack Frost, isn't too bad without the help of MST3K. It helps that the guy who directed The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms is the director. The one thing that bothers me: where's the female character? Maybe it could've been more interesting with a female point of view. But this is a kid's film, and I guess they could care less. But the one kid in this movie, although like Kenny from Gamera in that he likes the monster, is not annoyingly cute; he's much more a dramatic character than a comedy relief. And one more thing that strikes me funny: Joseph O'Connor, who is a veteran of British film, three years later starred in a film called "The Gorgon"!

Natural Born Killers (1994)

WORST MOVIE EVER!!!

[25 August 1999]

And I thought Showgirls was bad.

Anyway, the film deals with a young couple who decides to go on a killing spree and a reporter follows them to record their events. Yes, that's it.

Lurid, horrendous, sinful, shameless, pointless, dirty, pure evil . . . the list goes on for the adjectives that come to mind at the mention of "Natural Born Killers." As far as I'm concerned, Oliver Stone and Quentin Tarantino should've been thrown out of Hollywood for this. To believe that the anti-heroes are actually someone's role models is sad. The south must be a breeding ground for trash filmmakers, seeing as how Quentin Tarantino is from Tennessee. He's the worst film maker since Coleman Francis. By all means, if you're possessed by the demons of Hell, then watch this film. We won't stop you.

Oh, and Mickey? You commented in the film about how movies are getting worse and worse. Well, sorry, but you're in no position to talk.

Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (1956)

Is this a vehicle for Morris Ankrum?

[20 August 1999]

After watching lots of sci-fi from the 50's, one would get the idea that Morris Ankrum was the Adam Sandler of his time. No, he's not funny, but it looks like some of these films were made solely for him to star in. Ankrum was born for this role. Anyway, on with my review.

At Operation Skyhook, strange events are happening. People see St. Elmo's fire, flying saucers contact the main scientists, and the rockets being launched up into space can't be contacted for some reason. Nothing out of the ordinary, huh? But then a flying saucer destroys the base and nearly everybody there - except for Dr. Marvin and his wife, who received a message from the aliens. Turns out the aliens want to "peacefully" take over the Earth. But the generals, thinking such a thing is an oxymoron, decide to fight back. But how? Perhaps a very big sonic gun . . .

This is it. THE epitome of cheesy 50's sci-fi. This was the golden age of sci-fi, and Earth vs. the Flying Saucers represents this genre very well. The acting was kinda subdued, but that's what fit well into this genre. You'll never believe that Patricia Neal's boyfriend from "The Day the Earth Stood Still", Hugh Marlowe, is a scientist. What's harder to believe is that he's married in the film to the pretty Joan Taylor. Let's see: he's 45, she's 25, anyone see a difference? The only other two cast members worth mentioning are Morris Ankrum, who plays Joan's father, and Tom Browne Henry, also playing a general. Henry was nearly Ankrum's equal, starring in "The Thing that Wouldn't Die", "Space Master X-7", and "Beginning of the End". In fact, Hollywood decided to join together this "team" for "The Brain from Planet Arous"! Finally, the special effects of Ray Harryhausen are, of course, what steals the show. He's still in his embryonic state, this being his second film, but it's better that what most of Hollywood had to offer, like men in dinosaur suits or bottle rockets with sparklers attached.

All in all, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers is a film for those of you out there who want a sci-fi experience, but still don't want anything TOO campy. I suggest this to sci-fi fans everywhere.

Around the World in 80 Days (1956)

The Best "Road" Movie ever!

[20 August 1999]

Okay. Everyone's either heard of the story or has actually read it, but if not, here it is: Phineas Fogg makes a wager with his bridge buddies that he can make it around the world in 80 days (hence, the title.) So he and his servant, Passparetout, set out around the world, save a princess, get chased by a detective who thinks Fogg is a bank robber, and end up flying in a balloon (Well, maybe not in that order.)

The first time I saw this film was when I was in 2nd grade. Even then, I knew how great it was, and I still remember it fondly. Films like this were meant to appear in widescreen format. It starts off with an introduction by the very informative Edward R. Murrow, telling the audience about how Jules Verne was very prophetic, and they show the dlightful little film by George Melies of "From the Earth to the Moon". The acting is some of the best ever. David Niven, the quintessential gentleman, was born to play the role of Phineas Fogg (he later even said he would have played the role for nothing!) Cantiflas, an award-winner for his role of Passparetout, is equally good, although a flash in the pan. Where are you, Cantiflas? Shirley McLaine makes an early appearance in her career as Princess Auoda, and she still shows her pixie-like charm she has in "The Apartment". And Robert Newton, who played Detective Fix, is wonderfully sinister, but like Cantiflas, he never did anything else memorable besides playing Captain Hook in "Treasure Island". Oh, and there's lots of cameos (Frank Sinatra, Andy Devine, John Carradine, Cesar Romero to name a few) but too many to count. (This was the first film to have cameos, by the way.) Other award winners include the writing, which owes it humor to the fact that one of the writers (James Poe, John Farrow, and J.S. Perelman) wrote for the Marx brothers. The music by Victor Young is bright, maginifcent, beautiful . . . all good adjectives come to mind. And Lionel Lindon ("The Manchurian Candidate") has some of the best cinematography ever to be shown on the screen (this was before the days of computer generation, of course, when they actually went to 11 countries to film on location.) And the credits, by Saul Bass, are, like many people who have commented on this have said, are extremely entertaining in their re-telling of the movie.

This has got to be one of the best Oscar-Winners of all time. It's right up there with Casablanca and Gone with the Wind. It's a shame that this was showman Michael Todd's only film. Lord knows what he would have brought us if it weren't for that fatal plane crash.

Killers from Space (1954)

Haven't you heard? I'm a mental case! Can't even be trusted with my own work! AH!

[10/10 · 16 August 1999]

No, not me (although I'm sure it would apply to me) that's Peter Graves explaining his dilemma in this Cold War relic, Killers from Space (based in no way on Hemingway's novel).

Peter Graves is a scientist who, during an atomic experiment, crashes in his plane and (presumably) dies. But wait! He's at the base the next day! But what's that horrid mark on his chest? And why does he want to know so much about the atomic tests all the sudden? Could it be that aliens are controlling him to find tests so they can breed giant monsters to destroy the earth? Naw, it couldn't be . . .

In relation to my last review, "Invaders from Mars", "Killers from Space" is the exact opposite of the former: it's dead serious. Sometimes it can get on your nerves. But it has its moments. The plot of Peter sneaking around and spying on people seems familiar (Perhaps the producers of Mission: Impossible saw this?). I've heard this one referred to as Sci-fi noir: there's a big focus on eyes in this movie (You'll find out why later.). But the special effects take the cake, what with all the flying saucers and Peter Graves running through the "Cave of Monsters" (Really just a documentary of insects and lizards in their natural habitat. It does seem familiar as well to have Mr. Graves running from a grasshopper . . .) Anyway, the aliens are merely guys in jumpsuits with bulging eyes. Marty Feldman is NOT a conspiracy, folks. Now, let's get on with the actors in this drama. Well, we all know Mr. Nazi clone is a good actor, but the others give fairly decent acting. Frank Gerstle might be best remembered as the scientist from "The Atomic Brain", but Barbara Bestay looks like a cross between Elizabeth Taylor and Dilbert's boss. And the film ends in a generating plant, with Peter Graves being chased around in his underwear by what looks like Coleman Francis (Don't ask.)

In short, if MST3K had made just ONE more episode, this would've been it. And now you have a basic idea of this film. Good night!

Invaders from Mars (1953)

One of the better (I mean good-better) sci-fi films of the '50s.

[10/10 · 16 August 1999]

Undeniably, this film is pretty juvenile (even for me) but those who saw it when it first came out in theaters remember how it represented all that was scary as a kid. But films were not made to comment on the social structure alone. They were meant to entertain. So let's move on.

The story concerns a little child who sees a flying saucer land in his backyard. Dad goes out to investigate, but when he comes back behaving rather rudely, the kid knows something. When the cops who went out come back and the kid sees strange marks on the back of his head, he knows something's wrong. But not to fear! A lady psychiatrist and a well-to-do scientist are on hand to convince the world that they are up against . . . INVADERS FROM MARS.

But don't worry. It's all a dream. Or is it? Let's just say that the dream deus ex machina explains why this film is so childlike in its approach. Note: Robot Monster uses the same plot device, and granted, that film is like something one would have during a fever, but no one gives that film any respect. Anyway, this is '50s life at its best: everyone knows everyone else's name, even if they've never met before, and once the military knows about it, they immediately roll in stock footage of tanks, soldiers and aircraft going to war. The effects are shoestring (check out the bubbles on the alien spacecraft wall), but done well for a film with it's budget. It helps that the director, William Cameron Menzies, was one of the most innovative art directors of our time, having worked on Gone With the Wind (He also directed Things to Come, written by H.G. Wells.). Some of the most chilling moments in this piece are the weird alien leader (a head in a bubble, spooky) and the close-up of a little girl, possessed by the aliens, who the little boy is running away from, smiling evilly. Trust me, these sights you won't soon forget. Finally, the acting, one of the most important elements, is very good for a film of this type. In other words, you know scientists and generals don't talk like this in real life, but they should. Jimmy Hunt, as the little boy, is one of the best child actors ever. He has a true child-like curiosity of "what's this? Can I touch it?" throughout the whole film. Arthur Franz is the astronomer who befriends the boy and shows him what dear old dad has been working on, Helena Carter is a sexy psychiatrist, Leif Erickson and Hillary Brooke are the perfect evil parents, and Morris Ankrum is a - you guessed it, general. He basically NEVER plays anything else, what did you expect?

On a final note, we should remember back to the times when the atomic bombs meant aliens in bubbles, and the only ones who could stop them were little children who knew better than adults. Not until the Gamera flicks would such wonders be revisited.

Cat-Women of the Moon (1953)

Few bad filmmakers have entered the lofty plain of Cat Women of the Moon.

[10/10 · 16 August 1999]

This is one of the best. So-bad-it's-great! A cast of stars (including Sonny Tufts, Victor Jory and the delicious Marie Windsor) land on the far side of the moon and discover a race of beautiful women (there not cats, that's just the title.) Oh, yeah, and some giant spiders, too. But enough of that. Any film that has Ms. Windsor in 3-D has got to be tops on any bad sci-fi list.

This is probably the first film of it's kind. No, not camp, but the plot of "male astronauts go to extraterrestrial planet and discover race of sex-starved women dying for company". Invasion of the Star Creatures, Fire Maidens from Outer Space, and Queen of Outer Space all follow in its footprints. There was even a direct remake, Missile to the Moon!

All in all, if you liked Robot Monster, chances are you'll be gaping at your television screen for the next 64 minutes (another great thing about these films - they're extremely short if you don't like them. But if you didn't, you probably wouldn't be reading this.)