smarty-13 Reviews

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

A weekend of trashing motel rooms

[15 July 1999]

FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS ( rating, * * ½ out of 5 )

This eccentric piece of cinema is based on the book of the same name penned by Hunter S. Thompson. Thompson is a strange and somewhat scary individual who was prominent during the beat years of American literary history - famous more for his broadminded views on high-powered firearms in the hands of Johnny Punch-Clock than his bookish achievements.

Johnny Depp plays Raoul Duke, a thinly disguised Hunter S. Thompson duplicate who along with Dr Gonzo (Benicio Del Toro) tear up Death Valley in a red convertible while wasting away on a cocktail of drugs that would have supplied Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison with a lifetime inventory.

These two madmen stuff every conceivable concoction of narcotic down their throats - their bloodstreams being invaded with more stimulants than the Chinese Olympic swimming team. Raoul and Dr Gonzo's adventures straddle the very funny and the very grotesque - a reckless humor more uncomfortable than satisfying.

There is no true linear story here, just a long weekend of trashing Vegas hotel rooms while trying to define America's pop culture - a last ditch attempt at freedom as compliance closes in.

This is not what you call a pleasant or viewer-friendly movie, and definitely not one for the wholesome family to watch together while chomping on microwave popcorn. The fast jump-cutting and psychedelic production-design could easily produce an epileptic fit. There were moments through this cinema experience when I wasn't sure if I was watching a movie starring Johnny Depp, or if I had a front row seat at a Doors' concert.

This film is all about shades of grey, because seeing is not always believing, just ask the blind man, the one who really sees all. Behind the pot-pourri of opiates and chemical bias, there's a lot of self-examination in this movie, self-examination that isn't always flattering.

Through the use of extended voice-over, director Terry Gilliam is almost able to convey true empathy via the weirdness and to add an introspective layer that ties the whole piece together - success rate about 50/50. This is not a great movie, but it should be given marks for daring to tread where only the very brave have ventured before.

A Simple Plan (1998)

Three guys scheme a way to keep 4 million dollars

[15 July 1999]

A SIMPLE PLAN ( rating, * * * ½ out of 5 )

After stumbling across a downed plane in a remote snow-covered area, Hank, (Bill Paxton) his brother Jacob (Billy Bob Thornton) and friend Lou (Brent Briscoe) discover its cargo of one dead pilot and four million dollars.

After some spirited discussion they decide to keep the money and devise a plan to cover their tracks. As time passes and paranoia builds, the three men are transformed into the worst of what human nature can toss up.

Writer Scott B. Smith and director Sam Raimi effectively forge this tight thriller around simmering human suspicion and conflict. Add an icy wasteland as the setting and what follows is a haunting portrayal of mankind's darker side.

The performances are very good with special mentions going to Billy Bob Thornton as the slightly backward Jacob and Bridget Fonda as Hank's wife Sarah. Gary Cole pops up in a small role and is very effective, if not slightly wasted.

In general terms, most elements combine successfully to create an atmosphere of mounting tension. However, it isn't all smooth sailing. I felt Bill Paxton was just along for the ride and the constant stupidity displayed by all the characters was extremely annoying.

This is a good movie that will do well off the video-rental shelves. See it once and move on as repeated viewing will only highlight its many problems. Some films get better with age while offering further discoveries with each new screening. 'A Simple Plan' is not one of those films.

The criticisms here are minor ones as the overall view is a positive one. When there is so much offal masquerading as film being thrown at us by Hollywood these days, it is a real pleasure when a movie like this one comes along. Besides, there's far worse ways to spend an hour and a half than looking at Bridget Fonda.

You've Got Mail (1998)

Falling in love over the Internet

[14 July 1999]

YOU'VE GOT MAIL ( rating, * out of 5 )

Once again I find myself in the position where I'm going to make myself highly unpopular, (territory I'm starting to become well-acquainted with). I really wanted to like this movie but alas, it left a bitter taste in my mouth, the same way phosphate on a slice of asbestos would.

This soulless movie has really wound me up and made me very angry, angry because the talented film-makers have sold out and gone for the big pay-day - cashed in on an established formula and cast, and have consequently walked away with more cash than a Miami laundry operated by Colombian Drug Lords. So, without further ado, I'm going to let my acid tongue loose and I'm in a right mood to be caustic and belittling.

'You've Got Mail' is almost too excruciating to describe but I'll struggle to press on. In a nutshell, it's about falling in love via the Internet E-Mail. Woopy do. The Ephron sisters, Nora and Delia with their contemptuous artistic vision, construct this connect-the-dots-plot that fires cliches like ballistic missiles.

This film has absolutely nothing to say and takes forever to say it - a classic example of how 119 minutes can pass without anything actually happening - a mind-numbing movie that could serve a more useful purpose as a New Age meditation tape.

I was left completely underwhelmed as this pretentious guff attempts to take flight like a pelican with lead boots. Even though it's packaged with pretty ribbons and bows, the facts are irrefutable. This is a basement-brow romantic comedy that stumbles over romance and airs on the unfunny side of amusing - I've laughed more during eulogies.

There is no doubt, 'You've Got Mail' was produced for the sole reason of reuniting Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and to unashamedly make a truck load of money. I despise the film makers arrogance and the fact that they have gotten away with it. My only consolation is that all the video copies of this movie will one day make good landfill.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Plot twists and turns amongst the seedy London Underground

[14 July 1999]

LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS ( rating, * * * * out of 5 )

Four lesser thieves from the East End of London find themselves dangerously in debt to a local smut peddler - the result of a fixed poker game. The consequence being that until they repay the money owed, each one will lose a finger for each day the payment is late.

While trying to figure their desperate predicament, they overhear their gangster neighbors setting up a score from some slumberous marijuana dealers and decide that knocking over the neighbours is their only way out.

After the triumphant thievery, they discover that the pot belongs to the same menacing individual they want to fence it through - a black psychopath whose history reads like the Anti-Christ's resume. Enter a miscellany of desperadoes and hoodlums who target our four lads.

For the first time since 'Pulp Fiction', a movie comes along that breaks the shackles of tedious cloning. This film is entertaining and moves along at a cracking pace. Guy Ritchie's script is a tapestry of well-written characters, sharp dialogue that says what needs to be said and leaves the unsaid as food for thought, and a mesh of sub-plots that interlace together with imagination and expertise.

His direction is crisp and inventive allowing the cast of eccentric characters to move about freely while maintaining that erratic edge. In this slick piece of film making, Guy Ritchie denies hackneyed Hollywood trends by scripting no true good-guys just varying degrees of bad ones.

This is a terrific movie. It is violent but not extreme considering the subject matter and cast of cut-throat characters. The language is strong and the humor is black where you'll find yourself belly laughing at the brutal misfortune of others. If this makes you uncomfortable, then this film is not for you. It is also not for those who have been trained by television sit-coms to laugh on cue.

Broadminds are required to enjoy this fine British film where it will definitely add some zing to your day. So stick your tongues firmly in your cheeks and hop on the thrill a minute ride that is 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

Armageddon (1998)

Giant asteroid on a collision course with earth

[14 July 1999]

ARMAGEDDON ( rating * * out of 5 )

This stomach-churning display of overt patriotism is brought to you by those maestros of big budget fairy-floss, Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay and a host of writers who all seem to have had a go at striking the correct mix of worldwide insignificance and giddying imbecility. Congratulations gentlemen, success is yours.

'Armageddon' is about a giant asteroid on a deadly collision course with earth. Stunningly original I know, but this is where it gets really good. If the world is in trouble, who do you call? That's right, the United States of America.

With considerable flag waving they come to the rescue of us kulaks who call this third rock from the sun home. Between high fives and puerile dialogue, they pool their seemingly undefeatable resources to atomize this pesky asteroid. Now watch carefully Russia and China, and see how this sort of annoyance is dealt with.

Bruce Willis' performance is ultimately cold and arrogant - about as detached as a dislocated finger where his personality is left flapping in the breeze. We can only hope that one day Mr Willis will grow into his head.

Ben Affleck's character was in desperate need of a good slapping, Liv Tyler was anemic and ghoul-like in appearance and I was surprised that her image actually showed up on film, and Billy Bob Thornton was very good - one of the reasons this film secured its two stars.

The feeble attempts at humor were about as subtle as smashing your funny bone with a ball-peen hammer, while the machine-gun style editing and the lambasting soundtrack was comparable to having pieces of your skull being chipped away by a mallet and chisel.

After Bruce Willis delivered the line, "Six billion people on the planet, why did you guys call me?" the cracks were showing, and with the immortal utterance, "The United States government just asked us to save the world, does anyone want to say no?" I was ready to regurgitate the contents of my stomach.

If it wasn't for the humans in this movie, one could easily mistake it for an animated caricature. Obviously Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck were cast because Rocky and Bullwinkle weren't available.

As the film progressed into its grand finale, I must admit, I found myself getting involved with what was happening even though the cutting was harsh and left me wondering at times what the hell was going on. Ultimately though, the overall production was fuelled by its huge budget and its essence was nothing more than suds and lather. I do recognize that there is a huge market for this kind of thing and Jerry Bruckheimer is the master of tapping into it.

It is a little sad to see a flotilla of potentially good actors capsizing in a sewer of feeble-mindedness here, but I believe they are their own worst enemies. I'm sure the pay-checks are what lured them to this movie rather than the project's alleged distinction.

It can be argued that there is a place in the grand design for entertainment aimed at the lowest common denominator, but to spend millions and millions of dollars on it just seems like it isn't worth the effort. If this is the only way the audience can be amused, then I have grave concerns for humanity's collective level of consciousness.

54 (1998)

Rise and fall of the New York club, Studio 54

[14 July 1999]

54 ( rating, * out of 5 )

From Miramax comes a picture written and directed by Mark Christopher about a horde of obnoxious and disagreeable people that during the late 70's and early 80's, frequented the coolest nightspot on the planet, (or so they want us to believe) the one and only, Studio 54.

This alleged hot-spot was the focal point for a tribe of wannabes that any average punter couldn't give a rat's rear-end about - vile excuses for humanity that are as vulgar as they are irrelevant.

Shane (Ryan Phillippe) turns his back on his tedious New Jersey existence for the glamour of being a bus-boy at Studio 54. Evidently, New Jersey is a low-brow sort of place where Cro-Magnon men take their cave-girl dates out for beef jerky and slurpees.

After several sub-plots that painfully go nowhere, Shane ends up as a bartender - a job that keeps his pocket piccolo happy and many crotch crickets in his pants. Everyone with ambition and no acting ability wants to be a Studio 54 barman because this is where the women and drugs flow as freely as Mark Christopher's idiotic dialogue and contrived situations.

Shane, (who bears a striking similarity to Christopher Atkins) meets Anita, (Salma Hayek) who wants to be Patti Labelle but without the talent - the kind of aspiring star-to-be that appears fascinated by popping champagne corks, rockets blasting off, cucumbers and trains rushing through tunnels.

Anita is married to this half-pint wingnut who doesn't really have any relevance to the overall story but successfully provides a series of unplanned annoyances. Then there's the club owner, Steve Rubell (Mike Myers) who is having trouble with a collection of bad suits from the Internal Revenue Service. (we don't really care about him either)

Shane falls for Julie Black, (Neve Campbell) a soap actress who is also trying to further her career by bedding stupefied film-producers. The end mercifully comes when Shane and Julie realize how shallow and pretentious their contemporaries really are...like der.

I never thought there would ever be anything as idiotic as disco, but I never figured on a movie about disco. Studio 54 comes across as nothing more than a New York bag shanty where the mezzanine floor is reserved for a bit of blanket drill while the showbiz elite have a place to demonstrate their comatose wit.

This movie has all the steamy sex of 'Better Homes and Gardens' and by the time Neve Campbell is required to deliver lines, I was ready to cough up a phlegm ball.

Ryan Phillippe displays no redeeming qualities required for a leading man and Mike Myers is completely squandered as the strange and enigmatic Rubell. However, he does have a moment or two and is the only reason this movie rates its one star. The collective cast come across as anti-social butterflies who bump and grind to that oxymoron of modern times, disco music.

This movie really started to reek after about five minutes and after ten minutes of this pretentious guff, I had to resist the urge to run screaming into the hills. Basically, this flick is a cheap retread of 'Saturday Night Fever', without the dance routines and with a lot more boring bits. Studio 54 manages to achieve one thing in spectacular fashion though, and that is to remind us all how uncool we really were.

Hope Floats (1998)

Standard sob story

[14 July 1999]

HOPE FLOATS ( rating, * * ½ out of 5 )

From writer Steven Rogers and director Forest Whitaker comes this formula weepy that doesn't even remotely attempt to be anything out of the ordinary as it rests peacefully in a well defined comfort zone. It's far from being a truly awful film even though it induces the odd groan or two, and it only just manages to stay afloat as it desperately treads water in a sea of sappy sentimentality.

Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock), apparently has it all, but when her husband, Bill (Michael Paré), announces on a national television talk-show that he is having an affair with her best friend, Birdee's world comes crumbling down around her.

Birdee and her daughter, Bernice (Mae Whitman), head back home to Smithville, a small town in Texas where they move in with Ramona (Gena Rowlands), Birdee's mother. As they struggle to come to terms with their new lives, Justin Matisse (Harry Connick Jr.), who's been sweet on Birdee since high-school, makes his amorous intentions very clear.

As Birdee tries to find her way, she has to confront people and memories from the past while building a new life for herself and Bernice.

Sound familiar? Not exactly original in premise and not exactly original in execution. I remember reading some early reviews of this movie where people were allegedly trampled to death as they ran screaming from the cinema, but thankfully, 'Hope Floats' is not that bad. It's not that great either, it's just a doo-dad kind of film - neither here nor there.

I don't think the stupid generic title helps this movie's cause either - it's the most ridiculous pairing of two words since Calista and Flockhart. Potential viewers find themselves scratching their collective heads wondering what the significance could possibly be. Don't over exert your medulla oblongata, it's got something to do with buoyant optimism. However, if you're able to find anyone who really cares, politely suggest that they should get a life.

This movie really is nothing more than soggy biscuit and oatmeal trying to be poignant. Ultimately it'll have as much impact on the video-rental market as Marky Mark had on the recording industry. Girls will most likely enjoy it and guys will fall asleep due to the severe lack of sword-wielding ninjas.

In basic terms, 'Hope Floats' is fodder for the masses and another nail in Sandra Bullock's coffin even though she tries very hard. I get the feeling that Ms Bullock went for a career saver here but was let down by complaisant writing and mild-mannered direction - and as the movie's executive producer, we know a certain writer and a certain director who won't be on her Christmas list.

I sat through this movie and walked away feeling a little empty-headed, like the contents of my skull had steadily dribbled out over the course of 110 minutes. If you want to put your feet up, slip your brain into neutral and not have to think about things, then 'Hope Floats' will do the trick.

If you're looking for something edgy with a ton of attitude, then have a retrospective evening with Quentin Tarantino instead. For couples who take turns in picking the movie, well I'm sorry guys, just pop some no-doze and try to look interested - remember, it's your choice next week, and boy, will you make her pay for this one.

The Avengers (1998)

Re make of the TV series

[14 July 1999]

THE AVENGERS ( rating, * out of 5 )

From the mental retards who call themselves the creative department comes this endless cavalcade of mind-numbing embarrassments - another remake of campy 1960's television that can only be described as bad - dreadfully bad - bad beyond mortal comprehension - 'Anaconda' meets 'Booty Call' and takes a ride on the Hindenberg bad.

I can't remember a movie I've enjoyed less - it makes 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' look like '2001'. Uma Thurman was about as sexy as watching a documentary on bacteria reproduction and displays the emotional range of a department store mannequin. Ralph Fiennes is humorless, inept and unendurable.

After about two and a half minutes into this film, my facial muscles were involuntarily twisting into a cringing grimace and for the life of me, I couldn't remove said cringing grimace until this stench finished - and at about the midway point of this movie, I really wished I was blind, if not deaf, mercifully both.

I have the inside word that this film is going to become the latest Special Air Services' endurance and torture training video. If you can survive this, then international terrorists are a push over.

I've just been through my Thesaurus and I can't find any more words to say how loathsome this film is. I do however feel it's my civic duty to publicly warn everyone about this appalling mottle - don't see it - avoid it like you would a pile of steaming dog excrement - run screaming to higher ground so you won't be swamped by this deluge of untreated sewage.

First there was 'Hell Comes To Frogtown', then 'Hudson Hawk', then 'Godzilla', then 'Welcome To Woop Woop' and now 'The Avengers'. As I see it, the film industry has hit rock bottom and there isn't a misguided writer/producer/director alive who could make a more detestable movie.

So let's look at the bright side, no matter how bad and incompetently a piece of cinema is constructed, it couldn't be more hopeless than 'The Avengers'. A new dawn is upon us, a new spiritual calm is assured, finally movies can only get better.

My Darling Clementine (1946)

Wyatt Earp cleans up Tombstone

[14 July 1999]

MY DARLING CLEMENTINE ( rating, * * * * ½ out of 5 )

Adapted from the book 'Wyatt Earp, Frontier Marshal' by Stuart N. Lake, writers Samuel G. Engel, Winston Miller and Sam Hellman, and the great director himself John Ford, offer this most atmospheric depiction of Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and the most famous of shootouts in Western folk-lore.

The story basically covers the period when Wyatt Earp cleaned up Tombstone and wiped out the Clanton gang at the OK Coral. This is time-honored stuff. Nostalgic dramatizations that romanticized the Wild West while creating unforgettable heroes and notorious villains.

John Ford's handling of this motion picture is done with great care and obvious affection. Significant endeavor and attention to detail has gone into the period's reconstruction and the result is what can only be described as lyrical. A synchronous composition of sight and sound that produces a mesmerizing effect which in turn forces any viewer to fall instantly in love with this film.

Henry Fonda's portrayal of Wyatt Earp is without doubt the best that has ever been attempted and Victor Mature's Doc Holliday has him in rare form. Add cast members Walter Brennan, Linda Darnell, Ward Bond and John Ireland, and this film just crackles along.

There is one interesting irony I have noted. In John Ford's celebrated history as a director, particularly in the days when he was making silent films, the real Wyatt Earp acted as Ford's technical adviser bringing a new level of authenticity to gun play that Hollywood in the past had only guessed at. But in 'My Darling Clementine', the final shootout although well done, has a fantasy-like quality about it that avoids a sense of violent realism and adopts a surreal quality - as if seen through a dream.

Because John Ford knew all too well how to make a gunfight look believable, maybe this film allowed him to go beyond what was expected and to produce something a little special, and maybe it was shot in the way that Wyatt Earp wished it could have really happened. To successfully bend the rules, it really helps to have written them in the first place.

'My Darling Clementine' is a joy to behold. Sure, there are a few moments when minor cracks appear, but for pure entertainment value, it is unsurpassed. This movie is what going to the pictures on a Saturday afternoon was all about - those delightful matinee sessions when you'd load your arms up with confectionery, scramble for the best seats in the back row and experience the escapism that made growing up in the suburbs almost tolerable.

Blade (1998)

Blade the Vampire Slayer

[13 July 1999]

BLADE ( rating, * * out of 5 )

Blade (Wesley Snipes) is half human and half vampire who spends his spare time hunting down full-blooded vampires who go about chomping on...ah what the hell, who cares? The story line is bog stock and the overall point to this movie is not to actually have one.

Let's visit reality for awhile here. (another place I haven't been lately) For the film makers, active participation in not having a point is accomplished by careful design, because it's the gratuitous action and frequent gore that propels this film along. To have a point would only get in the way of what is really important - like decapitations, disembowelments and wearing really cool sunglasses.

The action sequences are very good while the gore is convincingly off-putting. Even though the fight scenes are brutally violent with no redeeming qualities what-so-ever, they are impressive.

In a nutshell, 'Blade' is very macho with lots of foul language and moronic one-liners. (standard equipment for these types of films) Are you starting to get the picture?

Wesley Snipes (who is in perfect harmony with his inner psychopath), displays an expert hand, and indeed foot, through the habitual bouts of fisty cuffs and ritual impalings. His performance though is frigid and aloof which makes it difficult for a discerning audience to give a damn. (also by design)

This film is not aimed at the people who donate to museums, or for those who sip vintage sherry while attending fashion shows. It is however aimed at those who wear their reproductive organs on the outside and their sensitivities on the inside. That's right fellas, if you had to put up with 'Hope Floats' just to keep the little lady happy, then 'Blade' will be the perfect revenge.

The Siege (1998)

Terrorists hold New York City to ransom

[6 July 1999]

THE SIEGE ( rating, * * * ½ out of 5 )

From writers Lawrence Wright, Menno Meyjes and Edward Zwick who also directs, comes this modern thriller that contains plenty of gloss and lashings of style.

FBI Agent Anthony Hubbard, (Denzel Washington) CIA Officer Sharon Bridge, (Annette Bening) and Army General Devereax, (Bruce Willis) form a somewhat strained coalition as they combat a rash of terrorism in New York City.

Each party has an agenda and the fight for power becomes ruthless and in the army's case, very un-American as Martial Law is declared. Desensitized New Yorkers have seen just about everything, but tanks and armored troop-carriers rolling through Times Square takes the cake.

This is better than most of what Hollywood is throwing at us these days, and this is due to some good performances and some very slick directing. The use of slow motion is effective and the scenes of chaos and confusion as bombs explode all over New York are very convincing.

Edward Zwick attempts to introduce a strong human-element to the violence and in general terms succeeds. The usual macho heroics where brutality has no consequence is traded for failure, anxiety and frustration.

Even after all its good intentions, 'The Siege' still feels like a studio picture where the suits were definitely calling the shots, and this becomes apparent in the editing. Pedestrian cutting numbs what could have been powerful scenes of human drama because in the true tradition of formula film-making, the powers that be concentrate more on the action.

I have little doubt Edward Zwick went for broke on this picture but was hampered by the clones who make a career out of hobbling good film-makers.

Denzel Washington is in fine form and Annette Bening is always worth the price of admission. However, this film does manage to answer the question we have all asked at one time or another. Yes, Bruce Willis is actually human. His portrayal of General Devereax is intelligent and very intense showing none of the android like qualities that represent his past performances.

All in all, 'The Siege' is a very enjoyable picture despite its conservative editing and suspect continuity. One can nitpick all they want, but because this film falls under the classification of good entertainment, most shortcomings should be ignored in favor of allowing this movie to entertain you.

Elizabeth (1998)

Biography of Britains most famous monarch

[6 July 1999]

ELIZABETH ( rating, * * out of 5 )

There are a collection of pompous drools out there who will insist to the very end that 'Elizabeth' is a good movie. There are even some deluded ink-wasters who resolutely believe that 'Elizabeth' is a great movie. All I can be bothered to say about this drawn out costume drama is that it's nothing more than a big-budget yawnfest - the contemporary genre Hollywood takes proud credit for.

Writer Michael Hirst and director Shekhar Kapur deliver a goose egg that promises a lot and delivers nothing. Feminist inklings abound in this profile of the most famous of monarchs in British history - set in the 1500's, those days when Prince Charles may have been relevant and when royalty was taken seriously, even though they ponced, posed and postured in frilly underwear that made Adam Ant look conservative.

The overrated cast are another baffling element in a series of baffling elements, considering the kudos and awards they received. Cate (I believe that going from anemic to vacant with absolute gusto is good acting) Blanchett, Geoffrey (now that I've won an Oscar I can underplay drama) Rush, Richard (present solely to offer credibility) Attenborough, Joseph (if anyone else says I look like Cary Elwes I'm going to just spit ) Fiennes, and John (I can do a wonderful impression of John Gielgud) Gielgud.

What a tedious and long-winded film this is - 123 minutes that seemed to last longer than the bronze age - I've seen better film around my bath-tub. The question I have to ask here is, how did this motion picture receive such acclamation and the subsequent awards? Obviously, politics in the film industry is a delicate balance and if you play by the rules while groveling shamelessly, you'll be well and truly supported, defended and sustained.

That may be the reality of cinema politics, but a film on its release to the public has very little to hide behind. If the final product is less than adequate, the studios will try to manipulate opinion with a barrage of publicity, plugging, PR, puffery and promotion. A hypnotic power-play designed to influence the not so profound amongst us.

So what are the facts then? 'Elizabeth' is a pedestrian movie that doesn't deserve the status it was given. Another overvalued, overpriced and overestimated dull-athon where waking up in a pool of your own vomit would be more edifying. I make no apologies for being so forthright, and for those critics who can't see past the hype, well, you're just churning cogs in the wheels of movie machination.

Let's for a brief moment consider this film's good points. The production design is impressive, the costumes are extraordinary and Geoffrey Rush grew up about 50 miles from where I live. Which goes to show that even the fibro dwellers of Queensland, if they work hard enough, can get a shot at the big time.

Give this tedious nudnik a wide birth and spend some time with the family instead. I wish I had, and if you knew my family, you'd realise what a big statement that was.

The Mask of Zorro (1998)

Swashbuckling adventures with Zorro

[6 July 1999]

THE MASK OF ZORRO ( rating, * * * * out of 5 )

Writers John Eskow, Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, and director Martin Campbell, effervescently bring this delectable interpretation of the celebrated character created by Johnston McCulley to the screen.

This is a romantic adventure of love and nobleness set against Mexico's fight for independence. Zorro, the courageous and chivalrous swordsman defends the weak and oppressed while seducing beautiful women. (good work if you can get it)

Antonio Banderas is terrific as the legendary swashbuckler - dashing in all departments and according to my wife, a real horn-bag. Anthony Hopkins brings credibility and refinement to the character of Don Diego de la Vega (what a cool name), and Catherine Zeta-Jones is absolutely exquisite in all her nubile glory.

The film makers successfully blend all the ingredients for an action/adventure movie where nothing is taken too seriously but everything is to be delighted in. This is a wonderful romp where love, romance, swordplay and duty combine to create a visual feast.

Trying to be critical with this movie really is a pointless exercise because by the time the first sword-fight explodes across the screen, nobody with a sense of humor will care. Sometimes it's good to forget about plot and narrative just so you can revel in the delight of enjoying yourself.

'The Mask of Zorro' succeeds in this department spectacularly. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, (except for when my wife was making lascivious comments about Antonio Banderas) and for the first time in awhile, I didn't feel the need to make scathing and or slanderous remarks about Hollywood. For that reason alone, this film well and truly deserves its four stars.

The Interview (1998)

Seasoned cop verses unstable criminal

[6 July 1999]

THE INTERVIEW ( rating, * * * * out of 5 )

Edward Flemming, (Hugo Weaving) is a seemingly everyday guy a little bit down on his luck. In the early hours of the morning, his door is broken down and he is arrested for a crime he apparently knows nothing about.

Detective Sergeant John Steele, (Tony Martin) a cop with a dubious reputation, conducts a series of interviews searching for the truth. As time ticks by, it becomes obvious all is not as it seems. Does Edward have a confession to make? Is he innocent? Or is Steele stepping way over the line?

Writer/director Craig Monahan, with help in the script department by Gordon Davie, construct a tense and absorbing movie which is punctuated by a menacing soundtrack composed and performed by David Hirschfelder.

This is stylish film-making at its best. Lush production values, elegant lighting, the skilful manipulation of slow motion, all combine to take the discerning viewer on a strange and mysterious ride.

Everything about this movie works - fine acting, expert writing and imaginative directing. Craig Monahan moves the story slowly but surely - deft handling of mood and atmosphere.

This film has to be really watched as the usual over-the-top bells and whistles are traded for innuendo and simmering tension. The longer this film went, the more it felt like a return to classic film noir where true movie-making was about absorbing an audience with story and character.

'The Interview' has many surreal qualities due to its intelligent subtleties. However, if these elements are missed, it will undoubtedly fall a little flat.

My only real criticism is that the ending was a little unsatisfying. The movie built up such viewer unease that the finale just fell away almost making the whole exercise pointless. This aside, 'The Interview' is a rare film and should not be missed.

The reality is that this film is not for everyone due to its strict attention demand on the audience. If you're looking for a film where you can slip your brain into neutral then give this one a miss. However, if a sharp thriller where the narrative is driven by deception is your bag, then 'The Interview' will not displease.

Welcome to Woop Woop (1997)

Vile and idiotic carry on in Australia's outback

[6 July 1999]

WELCOME TO WOOP WOOP ( rating, * out of 5 )

From the Australian Film Finance Corporation comes another brain-dead cultural installment of yobbo Australians residing in inaccessible areas and living Godforsaken lives. Add backing by the New South Wales Film and Television Office, and from the South Australian Film Corporation, (both fine examples of film society flatulence) and you wonder how this lame duck ever got off the ground.

If the shooting script is as good as it gets, at what stage did the visionaries at these defect factories decide that 'Welcome To Woop Woop' was deserving of such interstate tax-payer support? The mind boggles at so much collective ineptitude.

Before I get really angry and spray a fast-food outlet with automatic gunfire, let's have a look at 'Welcome To Woop Woop'. From the dribbling pen of Michael Thomas and the visually-impaired imagination of Stephan Elliott, comes this miscarriage of intended mirth that is about as whimsical as having battery acid poured over your genitals.

Thomas' cringing dialogue could have been written by root vegetables and Elliott's slipshod direction seemed to drift between comatose and cataleptic. For having to sit through this putrefied heap of rotting fecal matter, I now officially detest everyone who had any creative contribution or was responsible in any way in giving this phlegm gobbler life.

The purported story goes something like this, (excuse any inaccuracies because after twelve minutes, my eyes began bleeding) - small-time New York hustler, (Johnathon Schaech) who must have agreed to do this effluvium while having a loaded and cocked 9mm held to his head, comes unstuck while trying to illegally sell Australian galahs. Bad guys show up, deranged girlfriend appears from out of thin air and shoots the bad guys while the birds scatter in a desperate bid to escape this loathsome movie. Our spineless hero decides to go to Australia (why? I have no idea) where he meets an idiot local-girl (Susie, there goes my career down the toilet, Porter). This dim-witted couple have sex, she drugs him, and while he's in a tripped out stupor they end up married and living in this bizarre community full of Rocky Horror rejects and slack-jawed throwbacks. That's it in a nutshell - grotesque, unimaginable, tasteless.

The casting of support roles is about the only thing that can be interpreted as anywhere near interesting - Rod (I'd work for a piece of chicken) Taylor, Dee (I'm not so) Smart, Paul (I'll only be in this movie if I can do my Gorgeous George impersonation) Mercurio, Barry (I'm dying out here) Humphries, and believe it or not, recent Academy Award nominee, Rachel (I wish someone would drive 9 inch nails into my forehead for agreeing to do this movie) Griffiths.

I candidly advocate that you avoid 'Welcome To Woop Woop' like you would a syphilis-spitting camel. It's colloquially referred to as a dead-set shocker - a film where the head and tail credits are way too far apart. The only reason I gave it one star was for Rod Taylor's tap-dance routine on the bar.

So while I flush this video down the Royal Doulton, write a letter to the Arts Minister and demand why this rubble of inadequate artistry was the beneficiary of so much public money? Don't spare the expletives as you vent your anger. Unite Australians as we cast the demons from this pretentious industry that treats us like the morons they portray. Be offended by films like 'Woop Woop', be very offended.

Titanic (1997)

Big boat sinks

[6 July 1999]

TITANIC ( rating * * out of 5 )

I fear I'm about to make myself highly unpopular with what follows, but I can only call 'em as I see 'em. Besides, being highly unpopular is such familiar territory for me and it just wouldn't be the same without the constant slings and pointed arrows.

From writer/director James (I'm king of the world) Cameron, comes this 200 million dollar purported epic that in my view only ever reaches the status of cubic zirconia.

But never fear, Hollywood will incestuously look after its own because any movie that costs the amount that could pull a third world South American country out of insolvency and destitution, is guaranteed to win eleven Academy Awards - Oscars for categories like, The Most Times Actors Say, "No! This Way." - The Most Soggy Extras and The Best Motion Picture Where The Male Lead Is Snubbed For A Nomination.

This unfortunate male lead is none other than Leonardo Di Caprio who possesses all the rugged good-looks of a fourteen year old pimple-cream model. But it's not all bad news for Leo because he has perfected the art of being a pipsqueak while painting chubby actresses in the nude - poor old Kate Winslet's dress was so tight around the torso that the hunky Leo had to use solvent to get it off.

Rose DeWitt (Kate Winslet), is engaged to the jerk millionaire, Cal Hockley (Billy Zane). Cal gives her a priceless necklace that has some significance later on as a wrinkly Rose tells the story which is seen in flashback.

Anyway, Rose meets Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio), as she attempts suicide and the couple are instantly attracted (in Rose's case, as much as someone who is attempting suicide can be). The pair eventually fall in love, the ship hits an iceberg, the ship sinks, the ship becomes famous and we are subjected to this hideously expensive, self-important and time-consuming movie (I had to pause halfway through to bake some muffins as not to suffer the effects of malnutrition).

However, I did give this movie two stars and that was for the special effects. To be fair, they were pretty good. As a mass of brave stunt-personnel tumbled into the icy water, I did get the sense of what the chaos and hysteria must have been like on that fateful night in 1912 - reminiscent of lunch-time crowds around the all-you-can-eat desert bar at Sizzler.

In a nutshell, this film is a love story between Jack and Rose that never rises above soap-opera melodramatics. After an hour and a half of this kissy kissy nonsense, I found myself participating in open prayer thanking the Almighty for his very timely iceberg.

What possibly could warrant so much money and effort? Certainly not a piece of Hollywood trivia that tells us nothing about the Titanic that we didn't already know.

If I've missed the point, then to all of you 'Titanic' devotees I sincerely apologize. But, if I'm right, then you have all been the victims of Hollywood and its intricate network of propaganda.

American Graffiti (1973)

A group of friends spend the last night of summer together in 1962

[6 July 1999]

AMERICAN GRAFFITI ( rating, * * * * * out of 5 )

Where were you in '62? This is the burning question the posters and advertising asked us on the film's release. Well, I think I was being potty trained while feeding Lego pieces to the dog.

Living through this era is not a prerequisite necessity to enjoy 'American Graffiti'. To enjoy 'American Graffiti' you need to remember a time in your life when things were free and easy, and when just hanging out was the coolest of all.

Writers George Lucas, Gloria Katz and Willard Huyck, and director George Lucas (yes, he of 'Star Wars' fame and fortune) bring us a film that is simplicity itself. It's the last night of summer in 1962 and a group of teenage friends are about to embark on life's journey, but not before spending the night together, a night they will never forget.

This movie is chock-full of integral elements that made the 50's so cool. The cars, the songs, the lingo, the dress and most importantly, the attitude. Rock and Roll music incessantly blares from every car radio, juke box, corner store and diner. In fact the film contains no original music at all - the soundtrack is one long trip down memory lane. From the Beach Boys to Buddy Holly, from Chuck Berry to Bill Haley and the Comets.

George Lucas recreates this era perfectly by including such refinements as endless cruising, street gangs with cool jackets, drag racing, a sock-hop dance, a drive-in with waitresses on roller skates and the most important of components, Wolfman Jack.

His wild howling and frantic DJ banter links the songs and provides the perfect transitional tool to get from one situation to the other. He even makes a cameo appearance in a nice scene with Richard Dreyfuss. Other cast members include Ron Howard, Cindy Williams, Paul Le Mat, Harrison Ford, Charlie Martin Smith, Mackenzie Phillips and Suzanne Somers.

It's not the story that drives this film, it's the wealth and depth of characters - people who we really care about - they are all someone we know - someone we have loved - or they just remind us of ourselves. They all touch our hearts through moments that are funny, serious and heartfelt - moments that are sincere.

For me the stand out performance was that of Paul Le Mat's. His portrayal of John Milner, drag-race legend and all round cool guy who refuses to grow up, is absolutely riveting. He manages to be profound and ultimately fatalistic about his future and the choices he makes. A delicate balance to uphold, but Le Mat manages with a deft sense of thoughtful awareness.

The enigmatic scene between Le Mat and Mackenzie Phillips where he takes her on a guided tour of a car wreckers yard while explaining all the fatal drag-race crashes, is absorbing on all levels and chillingly prophetic.

All in all there's everything to like about this film. The final drag-race is very cool and the ending is tinged with a bitter sadness. What else can you ask for in a movie?

George Lucas has been elevated to God like status for creating the 'Star Wars' legend and subsequent madness. But for me, it's 'American Graffiti' that sets him apart from the flock. If this humble little film made in 1973 was to be his only achievement, then George Lucas would still be a major talent that would hold a special place in cinema history.

Some Like It Hot (1959)

Two musicians are on the run from mobsters dressed as women

[6 July 1999]

SOME LIKE IT HOT ( rating, * * * * * out of 5 )

Two out of work musicians (Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis) witness the St Valentine's Day Massacre and escape to Miami disguised as girl musicians. They both fall for the sultry ukulele player (Marilyn Monroe) and go to extraordinary lengths to win her heart - but dressed as unattractive women, this proves to be a little difficult.

Writer/director Billy Wilder with help from scriptwriter I. A. L Diamond, shape this breakthrough comedy with a new set of rules and structure. Wilder combines transvestitism, sexual chaos, slapstick mayhem, and all with sinless innocent.

Jack Lemmon is inspired with his faultless comedy-timing and when needed, a sense of the dramatic. Tony Curtis is sufficiently dashing but as a criticism, (the only one this movie warrants) the on-screen chemistry with Marilyn Monroe is non existent. The couple didn't get on behind the scenes and this translates to the final product.

Marilyn Monroe plays Marilyn Monroe beautifully which is exactly what the script requires and even though she was a tad overweight, she still manages to set hearts a fluttering and to sizzle with sensual vim and vigor.

'Some Like It Hot' bounces from one hilarious situation to the other with a succession of genuine belly laughs. The double-entendres are about as subtle as a pie in the face but this is tempered with a slightly black edge to the comedy.

With George Raft, Joe E. Brown and Pat O'Brien lurking in the background, this movie is to be cherished and absolutely delighted in. Billy Wilder made some impressive comedies, 'Sabrina', 'The Apartment', and 'The Seven Year Itch', but it's 'Some Like It Hot' that shines the brightest.

Even up against comedy contemporaries and in glorious black and white, this 1959 treasure glows like a neon beacon. At the end of the day it's gifted writing and ingenious application that makes a movie great. Billy Wilder had these talents is spades and they all come together perfectly in 'Some Like It Hot'.

Copyright: Cameron Koo, April 1996

Touch of Evil (1958)

Classic film noir

[6 July 1999]

TOUCH OF EVIL ( rating, * * * * ½ out of 5 )

This film is a masterful example of atmospheric film noir. Sleazy, unsettling, hypnotic and downright nasty - prerequisite ingredients to amass a huge cult following and to ensure its long-term survival.

Writer/director Orson Welles, delivers this film with lots of dark edges and ambiguous nuances. At its time of release, 1958, nobody was really sure how to handle this movie. The studio executives freaked out completely and ordered a re-edit while the audiences either loved it or hated it. Orson Welles spat the dummy, took his bat and ball and left the field of play completely. It was only years later and under the written suggestions of Orson Welles himself did the definitive version get a release to the world at large.

Mike Vargis (Charlton Heston) is a Mexican drug enforcement officer trying desperately to clean up a sinister border-town.

When Mike and his wife, Susan (Janet Leigh) witness a car bombing, it sets in motion a drawn-out and treacherous chain of events. Mistaken identity, gangland terror, shady dealings and cover-ups all combine to interlace a string of sub-plots into a tightly woven narrative.

Heading all investigations is the famous American cop Hank Quinlan, (Orson Welles) a perspiring, ominous and loathsome example of law enforcement at its menacing worst.

Other cast members include Dennis Weaver, who plays a weirdo motel-clerk a little too well, Marlene Dietrich pops up as a world weary bar-keeper and Zsa Zsa Gabor lurks as a dance-hall madam. All excel brilliantly in bringing disturbing qualities to their tacky characters. After my first viewing of this movie, I had the sudden urge to be deloused while burning my clothes in a token gesture.

'Touch Of Evil' is far from overt in its portrayal of violence and steaming sexuality. It relies upon innuendo and sordid intent that really leaves a bad taste in your mouth. The rape of Janet Leigh's character is a classic example of what you don't see being far more powerful than what you do.

Orson Welles has created a cream-of-the-crop showpiece in the genre of film noir. Low camera angles, sinister shadows, menacing back-lighting and seedy characterizations combine to deliver pulp fiction at its trashy best. It's unadulterated Orson Welles and unadulterated indulgence, which may in fact be the very same thing.

It does hold up well after three or so decades but compared to the gritty material of today, it is a little tame. What it does have over contemporary films however is lashings of style and subtlety.

Modern film-makers more often than not confuse hateful behavior with being menacing, and resolutely believe that gratuitous violence will convey evil intent. Nothing could be further from the truth. As Orson Welles proved with this powerful film, true evil is not what's on display for the world to see, but what lies safe and secure within your own imagination.

The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Sam Spade goes after a most sought out prize

[6 July 1999]

THE MALTESE FALCON ( rating, * * * * ½ out of 5 )

This would have to be the coolest detective mystery ever made and probably the first in the genre of film-noir. It's mood, humor and rich texture providing the inspiration for many copies - some skillful, others just blatant and second-rate imitations.

'The Maltese Falcon' is taken from the Dashiell Hammett novel of the same name and is faithfully reproduced by writer and debut director, John Huston. It is however, a superior remake of the 1931 film of the same name. Hollywood has a fine history of producing shoddy remakes but in this case, the original is far from the best.

There are many ingredients that make this film the timeless classic it is - Humphrey Bogart's discerning portrayal of Sam Spade, Mary Astor's sexy rendering of Ruth Wonderly, a support cast that includes perennial favorites Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre, but for me it was the brilliant black and white photography. It delivers complete purpose to every critical aspect and generates a healthy measure of muscle with equally proportioned pathos.

'The Maltese Falcon' moves at a scorching pace and this break-neck speed is derived from the snappy dialogue. As Sam Spade confronts Cairo (Peter Lorre) and delivers the line, "When you're slapped, you'll take it and like it," one can only sit in delightful anticipation of what will come next.

Everything about this film is riveting as individual scenes begin to accumulate and form the basis of a structure that is both unique and highly entertaining. As the final credits appeared, I found myself wanting more - I wanted more charismatic villains, I wanted more heroes in the true tough-guy fashion, I wanted more deception, more posturing and more rugged suavity.

'The Maltese Falcon' is all about delivering style with lashings of intelligent story-telling. Fifty three years after its first release, this movie is still going strong with elements that can still captivate constituents of generation X. For me, this only confirms what a splendid film this really is - because that is the true test of quality. And how does it hold up after repeated viewing? Even after the sacrilegious act of colorization, very well thank you.