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Gorgo (1961)
2/10
Most Tiresome of the Giant Reptile Attack Movies
20 November 2013
Warning: Spoilers
The original "Godzilla," "The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms," "The Giant Behemoth"--heck, even "The Giant Gila Monster" or "Reptilicus"--all managed to make us feel something for both the titular monsters AND their human victims. "Gorgo" has nothing at all, and lots of it.

Out of a cast of only six major human characters (if you count the teleporting London announcer)--and hordes of walk-ons by grumpy fishermen, elderly scientists, and British military commanders--only problem-child Sean leaves any impression, and it is not a pleasant one; the movie wants him to seem angelic and precocious, but his apparent delight in every moment of the monsters' carnage--even after witnessing scores of people dying before his eyes--renders him as annoying as his worst Japanese counterpart from the "Gamera" movies.

Our "heroes" Joe and Sam, played by Bill Travers and William Sylvester, have all the usual moral debates and action scenes, yet somehow remain so utterly indistinct and bland that it is often difficult to tell them apart or remember who is who. That leaves circus manager Dorkin, who plays his spiel for the cameras then stands around, and the harbor-master-slash-archaeologist-slash-treasure-hoarder whose hostility is as inexplicable as his role.

Even as threadbare as the story is, it frequently makes no sense; Sean ups and runs off with a truckful of soldiers for no discernible reason during the bigger monster's rampage, and Joe and Sam drop everything to chase after him. One of them--I couldn't tell you which one and I just watched the thing--finds Sean sitting alone, quietly enjoying the death and destruction, and drags him straight into the stream of evacuating Londoners. They are herded into a subway station which promptly collapses under the monster's weight, killing everyone except Sean and Sam/Joe, who somehow had the presence of mind to run into the tunnel. The pair emerge in the next station almost immediately (the two stations must be no more than a single block apart) yet this station is completely empty, ignored by the panicking mobs directly upstairs. AND THEN, with the child in tow, Sam/Joe somehow manages to hoof it back to the circus ahead of the big monster that is making a beeline for same.

The entire onus of entertaining us is left squarely on the monsters and the special effects, and they just aren't up to the task. The Gorgos' wiggly "ears" and blinking eyes only draw attention to the lack of mobility throughout the rest of the suits. Some miniatures are impressive--until they break up--but the mattes and superimposition effects are frequent and dreadful.

If you want giant monsters trashing London, stick with "Giant Behemoth" or "Konga." Neither serious nor goofy nor unusual enough to merit attention, "Gorgo" fails miserably in every respect.
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1/10
Look! Down In The Dumps!
17 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Q: What do you get when you take the animation style and (some) voice actors of--and characters unique to--Bruce Timm's "Superman: The Animated Series," and tack them onto characterizations and continuity from the over-twenty-five-year-old Richard Donner "Superman" movie? A: An unbelievably awful film; confused and angry fans.

I'm not sure why Bryan Singer wanted to continue from the first two "Superman" movies of the late '70s: they aren't nearly as great as one's memory may deceive one into thinking. But I DO know why "Brainiac Attacks" was squeezed out: for no other reason than to make a quick buck off the buzz around Singer's upcoming film. It shows in every frame of animation and every line of dialog.

Unconnected to Timm's prior series ("Superman: TAS," "Justice League," and so on)--in spite of the characters and designs drawn directly from them--"Brainiac Attacks" instead feeds us the campy junk that littered Christopher Reeve's movies: the clownish Lex Luthor, assorted foolishness (like Lois Lane wearing her regular clothes under her hospital robe), magic kisses, magic talking crystals, and a Phantom Zone that is unusually easy to break into and out of (for an "inescapable prison").

Worst of these is Lex Luthor; after seeing Clancy Brown turn Lex back into a genuine supervillain (even in the worst moments of the subpar "Justice League Unlimited," Lex was pretty scary), Powers Boothe comes along to play him up as a continuation of Gene Hackman's foolish nerd, whose greatest danger is his thoughtless abuse of the big toys at his command.

The plotting--I'm using that word loosely--is excremental. By the time we hit the halfway mark, it's an overextended series of punch-fights, interrupted by overextended scenes of a dying Lois Lane imitating Ali McGraw in "Love Story" meeting Christopher Reeve in "Superman IV," and yet another overextended bit of Jimmy Olsen channeling Ron Stoppable (which, in the end, adds absolutely nothing to the story or anyone's character). What we have here is a one- (possibly two-) episode story dragged out to "movie" length for the sake of DVD sales.

The Kryptonite poisoning that Lois Lane is suffering from looks painful--but it couldn't possibly hurt her worse than watching "Brainiac Attacks."
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Landslide (2005 TV Movie)
1/10
Bury This Poop
29 April 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Low-budget Porchlight Studios regulars Neil Kinsella and Peter Beckwith both worked on "Trapped: Buried Alive," in which a condo is buried by an avalanche caused by an evil corporate developer who attempts to stymie rescue efforts to cover up his wrongdoing.

By replacing snow with dirt, they coughed up "Landslide," in which a condo is buried by a landslide caused by an evil corporate developer who attempts to stymie rescue efforts to cover up his wrongdoing.

In both movies, a dysfunctional family is made whole again by the ordeal, a new life is brought into the world, dark secrets are revealed, blah blah bling bling blah. Some details change, but otherwise Porchlight's disaster movies might as well be rolled off an assembly line. (It's telling that "Landslide" is currently available on DVD under the title "Buried Alive." Why they didn't just call it "Trapped: Buried Alive 2" is beyond me.) The titular disaster strikes early in the picture; the effects are moderately snappy for a no-budget video, but never once achieve realism. In fact, watching what appears to be a mudflow and duststorm chase two bikers through the trees--trees that aren't knocked over by the slide--will be the comedy highlight of the picture.

After that, it's stumbling around in dirt and wrecked sets. Some rattlesnakes slither around for twenty minutes without getting out of position, and a firefighter torches and blows up a car for...well, for SOME reason, but aside from that, everyone trapped waits to be rescued, engaging in long stretches of soap-opera dialog about life, and "funny" bits that will make you wince.

Meanwhile, outside, the evil corporate developer does his best imitation of Robert Wagner from "The Concorde--Airport '79" doing HIS best imitation of Snidley Whiplash, preparing to set off another slide to bury everyone who knows his guilt.

...Well, except that's not true. Several people safe aboveground know what he's done, and he's VERY aware of this because they keep telling him that they know (*cough*). He ignores them but remains determined to go through with his evil plan, because, you know--he's eeeeeeeeeeevil.

He gives a little speech near the "climax" about how he'll tell everyone he "did the best he could with the information he was given," and how he'll discredit one (of many) witness to his crimes by portraying her as "a grieving widow driven insane by her loss." When it hits you that this is supposed to represent George W. Bush and Cindy Sheehan, you may burst into laughter or vomit on the carpet, but you won't be admiring the writer's talent, regardless of your politics.

And when everyone's standing around running their yaps while a character they supposedly all care about lies suffering from snakebite--EVEN WHEN AN AMBULANCE IS WAITING TO TAKE HIM AWAY FOR TREATMENT--well...shoot. I'm running out of ways to say this movie stinks.

The two characters involved in the "pregnancy" subplot might as well be edited in from another movie. One of them (literally) runs into the hero at the beginning, and then they're isolated for the rest of the picture. Their rescue attempt is even left off-screen.

MST3K fans might recognize Peter Beckwith's name from "Time Chasers." Since then, he has produced a string of derivative embarrassments including "Radical Jack," "Avalanche Run," "Lightning: Fire From The Sky," "Psyclops," "Frozen Impact," "Arachnia," "Killer Flood," "Ice Queen," the aforementioned "Trapped: Buried Alive," and this mess.

Someone has to sit him down and tell him to stop.
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Painful Fun For B-Movie Lovers
28 February 2004
A horrifyingly thorough mishmash of the most ridiculous elements of '50s B-Movies, "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" isn't for everybody; even a B-Movie vet like myself was on the verge of screaming at the wanky dialogue and hyperconcentrated silliness. Lord save us, he even wedged a "cat-woman" (as in, "Cat-Women From The Moon") into the mix.

If there is fault to be found, it is that "Skeleton" is too pat and cheery. The endlessly and inappropriately jovial "scientist's wife" and the happy, phony-hope-filled conclusion are not unheard of in this sort of movie, but let's face it; the best worst B-Movies are the ones that think they're freaking Shakespeare. Even when they don't end in all-out "tragedy," the enduring "classic" junk sci-fi movies take themselves SO very seriously. "Plan Nine From Outer Space," "Robot Monster," "The Giant Claw," "The Creeping Terror," "It Conquered The World;" they were are intended to be taken as serious, straight-faced drama. That's what makes them so incredibly funny from beginning to end.

Should Larry Blamire make another B-Movie spoof, I hope he'll tap the "giant critter" genre--something with crummy miniatures and ditzy puppets like "The Giant Claw" (my personal fave) or "Reptilicus"--or even a '70s "environmessage" movie like "Night of the Lepus." But please remember, Larry--in B-Movies, dead serious equals deadly funny.
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Squirm (1976)
Squirm...With Boredom!
12 April 2003
Ugh. I can't even watch the MST3K version of this junk, not even while stopping my VCR for constant breaks. It's just too boring and the acting is too awful. By comparison the dull grade-school filmstrip that accompanies "Squirm" on MST3K ("A Case Of Spring Fever") is an exciting thrill-ride masterpiece.

The acting ranges from the tolerable--Don Scardino and Partricia Pearcy do what they can with what they're given--to the completely unwatchable--Peter Mac Lean (as "Sheriff") and Jean Sullivan (with the most ridiculous accent of all time). Some of the makeup effects are servicable, but there's no confusing the various shots of real worms and the scenes of limp pink rubber toys being dropped or thrashed about unconvincingly by stagehands. The music and songs sound like they were lifted out of a early '70s TV disaster-movie.

The script is just sleep-inducing, following formula to the letter without adding anything fresh or even amusing. Boring, boring, boring. The only characters that even approach being likable are geeks that evoke pity; everyone else is simply aggravating and consequently the only suspense this mess creates comes from hoping for them to die and get off the screen for good. Approximately half the story is taken up with a snoozy, pointless Nancy Drew-grade "mystery" that wraps itself up as worm-dirt anyway; the finale is a sad zombie-movie rip. A sure-fire insomnia cure.
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Fake Snuff For Social Misfits
4 January 2003
If you're the sort of sick pervert who enjoys lurid depictions of terrified victims suffering horrific deaths, yet quails at the sight of blood, this is just the sort of cr** you're looking for; knifings, suffocations and strangulations galore, cutting "discreetly" away from the doomed victim and going to commercial as they are murdered. Ugh. Beyond that, it has no value whatsoever. "Mafia fans" have got to be the lowest rung on the Evolutionary Ladder.
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Final Justice (1998 TV Movie)
Vigilante Garbage
21 July 2002
A woman takes a defense attorney hostage, subjects him to a nice game of Russian Roulette and other threats and humiliations--then relies on the tricks of another attorney to get her off the hook for it.

Her jaw-dropping hypocrisy could have been the basis for a nice melodrama, but no, this is pure "Lifetime"-style "man-baaaad woman-gooood" constipation, so she is presented at worst as "pushed over the edge by injustice"--and at best as America's Greatest Hero.

The judge at her trial and her attorney are ridiculously unprofessional--but they're women, so it's "okay." Her victim--and his fellow lawyers? Man baaaaaaaad.

Put "Final Justice" to this test: pretend you're the defense attorney. Because you do your job, someone takes YOU hostage, holds you at gunpoint, tortures you with death threats, then walks away free--fully capable of doing it all over again.

Is she your hero now?
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The Children (1980)
Good concept, horrible execution
17 July 1999
An idea with potential, wiped out by bad writing. Contains a subplot involving a mentally-ill woman that leads nowhere, and a ridiculous variation on the "zombie" rule: instead of being shot in the head, "The Children" must have their hands cut off to be killed(!). One creepy, tragic scene in which a normal child plays what he believes to be a game of "hide-and-seek" with his zombified sister can't save this mess. Predictable ending, cheap effects, bad taste scenes of children being hacked up. Yuck.
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