Seriously, soccer players aside, no set of men and women are as sexy and hot after being in a plane crash. Oh, and it's a "Lord Of The Flies" remake. Only hotter and sweatier. That's honestly the plot, also.
Reviews
11 Reviews
The Diabolical
(2015)
I'm going to ruin this real quick
17 October 2015
Warning: Spoilers
No ghosts! Time travel! A house too expensive for a single woman! Lots of slo-mo! Vast conspiracies! For a movie that so desperately ants to be "Insidious", this one sure misses the mark. Painful to watch and aggravating to the nth degree, it's a total waste of time from start to finish. I haven't had the unique displeasure of watching such an unpolished turd in many a year. Part slasher, part wannabe ghost story, and oh hell the "twist" is as stupid and insipid as can be. I'm battling her, for you, dear reader, for ten lines spouse so you never ever have to watch this movie. Don't be fooled like I was, stay away from the pretty trailer and Just.Say.No.
Oh, by the way: Home Alone traps! Jesus don't watch this!
Oh, by the way: Home Alone traps! Jesus don't watch this!
Muck
(I) (2015)
What the heck....
6 March 2015
I'm not sure what the hell I just watched...but I liked it. It's hard to review, mainly because it's part of a larger story. (Or so they say). I'd recommend, but I do have two small issues: one, too much time is spent showing off the camera and what it could do, and two, enough with the women in various states of undress. In small doses you tend to expect it in these types of movies to be sure. Unfortunately the amount here is akin to Cinemax soft core porn.
I wish I could say more, but I honestly have no idea what I just watched.
I can't wait for the sequels!
I wish I could say more, but I honestly have no idea what I just watched.
I can't wait for the sequels!
A good way to spend the evening
29 August 2014
I'm not a huge fan of found footage flicks, but I really don't hate them outright. All it really takes is some suspension of belief, and considering the types of films that usually use this tactic, I'm already suspending some belief in the first place.
The movie has a really intriguing setup: a man loses his wife in an accident, and becomes more disillusioned than he already was regarding the presence of God. Already having no faith in God, He decides to devote his time to disproving the Devil....by inviting any and all demons and other nasties to take over his body and soul.
Mayhem ensues.
The premise is fun, and even though you know what's going to happen (by the title alone) it's fun watching it all unravel. Good acting, effects and atmosphere make for a fun 90 minutes.
Try it, you'll like it!
The movie has a really intriguing setup: a man loses his wife in an accident, and becomes more disillusioned than he already was regarding the presence of God. Already having no faith in God, He decides to devote his time to disproving the Devil....by inviting any and all demons and other nasties to take over his body and soul.
Mayhem ensues.
The premise is fun, and even though you know what's going to happen (by the title alone) it's fun watching it all unravel. Good acting, effects and atmosphere make for a fun 90 minutes.
Try it, you'll like it!
Leprechaun: Origins
(2014)
Someone in charge, please read!
29 August 2014
I thought long and hard about adding this review... After all, I'd be adding nothing that others had not already said: no mythology, no fun, no seeing the creature, poor script, etc. I mean, it says "A horror icon is reborn", and even the title is misleading, "Leprechaun: Origins". With a name like that, you'd think it was a prequel...but nope, all you really get it a movie that feels like it began as a spec script and was slightly tweaked to try and fit the Leprechaun series...which it doesn't. What baffles me is that this is as far from a Leprechaun movie as you can get. No one really expected these movies to be scary, and a large part of their charm was the goofy nature of the films. That's what we wanted to see: a wisecracking midget that would just as soon kill you, and make fun while he did it.
So why am I writing this? My hope, dim as it may be, is that those in charge would read these reviews and think twice before "tweaking" something that didn't need it. There's obviously a desire from people to see these types of films, and there's nothing wrong with that. By changing the nature of the character from wisecracking villain to grunting animal you kill what made it fun in the first place. I honestly haven't been as confused or let down by a movie in a long time.
So there it is, my plea, sent to the Interwebs to anyone that can help.
So why am I writing this? My hope, dim as it may be, is that those in charge would read these reviews and think twice before "tweaking" something that didn't need it. There's obviously a desire from people to see these types of films, and there's nothing wrong with that. By changing the nature of the character from wisecracking villain to grunting animal you kill what made it fun in the first place. I honestly haven't been as confused or let down by a movie in a long time.
So there it is, my plea, sent to the Interwebs to anyone that can help.
Septic Man
(2013)
Total waste of time
15 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Well, one thing can be said: it starts with an explosive bang! The first couple of minutes are disturbingly graphic (but fun if you like graphic like I do) but then....nothing. An hour in, and the guy hasn't left the septic tank he's found himself trapped in. Padding the running time are characters with unknown and confusing purposes, and not much else. Add to this a muddled ending, and you get one big disappointment. Honestly I'm not sure what the filmmakers were trying to do here. I was expecting a yuck fest along the lines of the Toxic Avenger, and all I got was a boring story with no nothing going on. (Although it can be said they do try a little in the last twenty minutes when it comes to the gore, but by then it has already worn out its welcome) Seriously, avoid like the plague.
And god, don't get me started on the song.
And god, don't get me started on the song.
Happy Camp
(2014)
Promising, but deadly dull
1 March 2014
I was looking forward to this based on the trailer, but it seems that unless your found footage film has "Paranormal Activity" in the title, you're in a losing battle.
Over 600 people have disappeared from the tiny town of Happy Camp over the years (where are they coming from, and why aren't the Feds crawling over this death trap are just some of the glaring plot holes) and one man, Mike, (and three friends to document the experience) has come back to town to see if he can put together the pieces of his brothers disappearance. (He was taken over twenty years ago)
Not much happens in the short running time, yokels talking about how "flat landers" should leave, arguing, drinking, blah.
The last fifteen minutes ramp things up, but by then it's too little too late. Cheesy CGI ruins the whole mess, and what makes it worse is that the film has decent production vales, which just makes the whole thing sad, as they could have taken the time to do something more original. (For Pete's sake, walk into a bookstore and grab a random boom from the horror section!)
Oh, and Drew Barrymore had something to do with it. That alone should have warned me.
Over 600 people have disappeared from the tiny town of Happy Camp over the years (where are they coming from, and why aren't the Feds crawling over this death trap are just some of the glaring plot holes) and one man, Mike, (and three friends to document the experience) has come back to town to see if he can put together the pieces of his brothers disappearance. (He was taken over twenty years ago)
Not much happens in the short running time, yokels talking about how "flat landers" should leave, arguing, drinking, blah.
The last fifteen minutes ramp things up, but by then it's too little too late. Cheesy CGI ruins the whole mess, and what makes it worse is that the film has decent production vales, which just makes the whole thing sad, as they could have taken the time to do something more original. (For Pete's sake, walk into a bookstore and grab a random boom from the horror section!)
Oh, and Drew Barrymore had something to do with it. That alone should have warned me.
Candyman: Day of the Dead
(1999 Video)
Total waste of film!
14 July 1999
Tony Todd should be ashamed! Not only did he star in this but he produced it too!! Baywatch bimbos, horrible stereotypes and sub-par effects. They pad the running time with flashbacks we have seen already, and add absolutely nothing to the mythos. The film had a cheap quickie feel to it, and watching it was more painful than listening to cats mate. I loved the Candyman films, they were well-filmed, well-acted and had stories that moved the series forward. Watching these hacks kill the series was like watching the Muppets film Les Misérables: youre laughing at it, you want to leave, but you just cant believe what they are doing to it. Phew. What a stinker this was.
Urban Legend
(1998)
Please make the bad films stop!
4 March 1999
I watched this silly and laughable movie for the first time last night. What can I say? Scream brought the slasher genre back, and movies like this will kill it. I can't believe that someone thought that this was a good idea. There were so many impossibilities in this film that one dosen't know where to start! The killer was a joke- if *they* were so upset at the protagonist, they why oh why dont they just KILL THEM RIGHT AWAY???? I know.. Could it be because they needed a stupid excuse to drag out an otherwise good premise (a killer using Urban Legends as a motive) to an overwrought and over-the-top conclusion? And as for the actors- what kind of college is this? Are there any ugly people allowed there? Alicia Witt looks drugged throughout the movie, which is probably the only way they could have got her to do the movie, Rebecca Gayheart needs to use some of that Noxeema she used to sell and wipe some makeup off her face. As for the rest- I can't even tell who they were by name- it was sad.. They only existed as chum for the shark. There were horrible cliches, such as the music jumps when someone would sneak up behind someone else (which, by the way were so loud that I thought my brains were leaking out of my ears by the end of the movie), a swimmer that wears a parka and combat boots to go to swim practice in, and so many others, not including the LAME-O ending that made me want to puke shards of glass rather than sit through a sequel. I hear that they got 26 year old Jamie Blanks to helm this based on the trailer he did for "I Know What You Did Last Summer". Maybe he should stick to 2-4 minute movies rather than making us sit through a 90 minute trailer.
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