scootrah Reviews

The Last Templar (2009)

If you feel like wasting a few hours of your life.....

[2/10 · 7 June 2009]

What a great adventure this promised to be! I was really hoping for some amazing scenery, some epic Templar battles and a menacing conspiracy story. Like several other reviewers, I think there are some overt "National Treasure" and "Indiana Jones" rip offs, but that's almost giving this series too much credit. There's not much riveting action or adventure to keep the weak story afloat, the CGI on the boat is so home video-esquire and the dialogue and situations are remarkably stupid. And Victor Garber as the scary monsignor is either miscast or given absolutely no direction in creating a loathsome evil-doer.

The point I lost any hope for this bomb to redeem itself is when they dug into the ancient city that was covered for hundreds of years by lava. Miraculously, they are able to literally stroll to the church where the Templar's astrolab is hidden (sort of like Joan Crawford strolled down into the cave where Trog lived shortly after spelunkers were barely able to squeeze down the little hole with ropes - but THAT was camp at its finest) because the lava was able to leave huge underground caverns of light and space open! After that, it really didn't make any difference to me what happened, but I wished the boat would have just sunk in the storm. A big alien invasion, samurai mummies or a downpour of frogs would have been just as believable a plot twist or made for a more spectacular ending, and it would certainly have been more interesting.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

Why was this made?

[1/10 · 30 May 2009]

I was expecting so much more from a Kevin James comedy. I think there was a total of about 3 minutes combined that I thought were humorous, but far from gut-bustingly funny.

I kept waiting for the film to pick up some momentum, but it just never did. The set-up to the heist took too long, the fat jokes were not fresh or funny and it was really hard to feel any empathy for Blart. I do think the actress who played Blart's daughter did a good job, and James' handling of the Segue was impressive.

The whole thing just felt like a waste of time, money and talent. Thank god I didn't pay full price to see it in the theater.

Annapolis (2006)

I want to rate this lower than "1"!

[1/10 · 17 July 2006]

Boring, stupid, ridiculous, predictable - I guess this was supposed to be some dramatic, feel- good film about overcoming tough odds, believing in yourself, blah, blah, blah. But as you watch it, you'll be saying "Oh that line is just like 'Officer and a Gentleman'", or " That camera shot is just like the one in 'Rocky.'" Should I have expected more from a writer whose main credit is episodes for "Family Guy"?

Surprisingly bad acting, one lousy CGI ship and no cohesive direction combine with the stinker of a script to become the cinematic equivalent of a medieval torture chamber. The situations are unbelievable at best and painfully juvenile at the worst. Throughout the film James Franco's face is framed with acne, making me wonder if his training included the same steroid-filled route as the dumb muscle heads at the gym.

As my boyfriend said while the final credits were rolling, "Do you think they have any idea what a piece of s**t movie they made?" SAVE YOUR TIME AND MONEY AND RUN AWAY FROM THIS AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Totally Blonde (2001)

A really BAD hair day

[1/10 · 3 November 2005]

Here's sexy Krista Allen playing a woman asking the old question, "Do blondes have more fun?" She bleaches her hair to find out, and (surprise!) discovers who she truly is in the process! Unfortunately, the producers haven't hired a decent hairdresser so she can play the part of the blonde bombshell, they've just gone to Wal-Mart's Halloween sale and bought the cheapest and ugliest blonde wigs OF ALL TIME for her! Since there was no money spent on wigs, did they spend it on costumes? NO! Krista's outfits are cheap looking and badly fitted, but there is an obligatory scene of her wearing a thong to try and hold the interest of some viewers. Even Michael Buble's awesome voice couldn't help save this badly directed, mediocre script from a one-way trip to the outhouse. Learn from my mistake and run away from this dud.

Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002)

No toilet bowl is large enough to hold the crap this movie produces

[1/10 · 17 June 2004]

I've sat through some really bad flicks, but this has to be the worst piece of garbage I've ever suffered through. A director friend of mine once said "Nobody sets out to make a bad movie," but in this case, I don't think they knew WHAT they were really trying to make.

Stupid, juvenile and mind-numbingly STUPID, the bad script, terrible directing and lousy acting somehow combine to make the whole even worse than the sum of its parts. You've seen all these bits and gags before and heard the bad puns. Dave Sheridan's Jim Carey-esque look and style aren't an homage or even a spoof to Carey's "Ace Ventura" work, it's just lousy.

You'll never get the 90 minutes of your life back that it takes to watch this bomb, and believe me, you'll feel the producer, director and actors OWE IT TO YOU if you bother to sit through it.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Unbelievable, ridiculous and predictable

[2/10 · 3 June 2000]

All the explosions and techno-gadgets couldn't help this turkey fly. I could have cared less that Tom Cruise had a love interest, and there's more suspense watching mold grow in a petri dish than in the action shots. The audience just laughed while he punched/shot/kicked/somersaulted his way out of one improbable situation after another. The overuse of slow motion during these unreal scenes became way too predictable and served to emphasize the point that millions of dollars worth of special effects couldn't hold my attention.



SAVE YOUR $$$ AND WAIT FOR THE VIDEO...

The Basement and the Kitchen (1999)

Paranoia has never been funnier!

[10/10 · 5 June 1999]

Lloyd is the most paranoid guy you could ever meet. Convinced that his mother is "some woman" playing the part and that his psychiatrist is working for "them," he only trusts his friend Traci. But when she insists that he go outside to celebrate his birthday, he's not sure whether he can really trust her either.

This is a finely crafted, fast-paced screwball comedy filled with offbeat characters, concealed identities, mystery, outrageous situations, witty dialogue and lots of humor. You'll need to see this film twice because you'll be laughing so hard you'll miss half the dialogue.

One of the most delightful and original films I've seen in the last 10 years.

Little Saints (1999)

Everything a movie should be, and overall, wonderful!

[10/10 · 31 May 1999]

After St. Jude appears in Esperanza's oven, she sets out to find her daughter, who died under mysterious circumstances. The journey forces Esperanza to challenge her own beliefs and face her fears in order to be reunited with her beloved daughter.

The film is full of humor, sorrow, oddball characters, bizarre situations and danger. Through it all is an underlying message of the power that love has to change us all in the most unexpected ways.

A visual treat too, "Santitos" paints a beautiful, funny and compassionate picture of Mexico. But director Springall doesn't isolate his message. We all know at least one of the characters, and have probably visited similar places. This connection to the world outside of Esperanza, Veracruz and Mexico is what manages to touch us all.

Gigi (1958)

What's all the fuss about?

[5/10 · 12 March 1999]

While visually spectacular, I found myself rather uninvolved with the whole. The plot is rather distasteful, and for a musical, it's pretty darn dull - not too many memorable songs and no large dance numbers.

I'll keep My Fair Lady as my vote for the best of the Lerner & Lowe musicals.

Black Cat Run (1998 TV Movie)

Nobody sets out to make a bad movie.....

[3/10 · 5 March 1999]

This could have been a really strong 8, but there are some poor editing choices or script problems that don't build the suspense of how the two stories will collide; it takes way too long to get the reason for the chase initiated; and I can't believe a parked car can bash through a cement wall in REVERSE. So close, and yet so far.....

Gas Pump Girls (1979)

Simultaneously stupid, fun and good

[8/10 · 5 March 1999]

How can you not love a disco teen exploitation film about five girls running a gas station - and it's a MUSICAL to boot! The songs are ridiculous and the plot is too, but it's not so predictable that there aren't a few amusing moments. I've seen bigger mainstream pictures with lots of critical acclaim that were complete crud - at least this can top the best of the worst.

Double Agent 73 (1974)

She can't act, but who cares?

[9/10 · 22 January 1999]

Expect to be entertained by the ridiculous story, bad acting and HORRENDOUS costumes. Chesty gets caught in a web of intrigue and spy-jinks that require her to put her giant assets to work fighting crime. This movie will be enjoyed to its full extent by getting a group of your craziest friends together to laugh and give a running commentary on it.

The Tomb of Ligeia (1964)

A classic Vincent Price horror flick

[9/10 · 22 January 1999]

The plot is rather slow-moving. But the story is a good one. The eeriness of the situation and locale build to a really great finale.

Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)

Colorful, witty tale with enough punch to keep adults happy

[10/10 · 22 January 1999]

Amazing special effects, good script and fine cast make this fantasy romp well worth watching. The interaction between the little people and the real world is great fun(and the effects are startling even 40 years later), and the love story doesn't get in the way.

This is one of those rare Disney movies that contains a scene that can scare the pants off a kid. The "Death Coach" terrified me as a youngster, and viewing it as an adult it was still creepy. But watch it anyway!

On the Waterfront (1954)

Why is this a classic?

[22 January 1999]

I was bludgeoned into watching this THREE TIMES as a requirement for a screenwriting class, and I never liked it. I didn't give a hoot about the characters, their problems or what happened to them. I wish the mob would have just pushed Terry and the rest of the gang off the top of that building.....

Five Graves to Cairo (1943)

Great film

[9/10 · 22 January 1999]

Franchot Tone is really terrific in this WWII film that slowly builds tension to the end. It's a very compelling story. Highly entertaining even if you're not into war films.