haagis Reviews

Enter the Game of Shaolin Bronzemen (1979)

Still..I liked it more than 'Game of Death'

[2 March 2001]

Berated and ridiculed everywhere else, but belovedly known as 'Le Bruce' in gay Paris', Bruce Le stars once again in his undeservedly own feature film as the most unconvincing successor to his namesake.

The 'Treasure' spoken of here is an invaluable manuscript of various kung-fu techniques; monkey style, crane style, dragon style,doggie style, etc.. Sufficed to say two factions battle over it. One bad-one good. Mr. Le's on the good side. Der-hay. As the sides wittle down to just two combatants, Le and the top baddie, each utilize the various styles in order to defeat the other, leaving the winner to possess the manuscript. And hey,..here's a hint at the outcome,..Bruce wins (if that is his real name)!

Aside from some adequate kung-fu sequences (Le's no Lee), this movie boasts some unorthodox cinematography in that every second shot is completely out of focus. Mind you, most of these shots are close-ups of Le himself, perpetuating the theory that if you squint just right.. well you know the rest. For me, this turkey rates three Bruce Lee's spinning in his grave out of five.

Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger (1976)

In addition to the last comments..

[2 March 2001]

I'd just like to say, if you listen closely to the music in some of the sequences, you'll also hear Pink Floyd's 'Shine on You Crazy Diamond'. It was quite common for kung-fu in the 70's to use popular music from radio and other movies as main theme's and incidental music. Every now and then you'll hear some Ennio Morricone or some Jerry Goldsmith peice somewhat briefly but still recognizable. One of oriental films' odder attributes.

The Losers (1970)

The CIA sends a motorcycle gang into Cambodia to rescue a presidential adviser.

[27 February 2001]

When the president's chief adviser is captured by enemy forces in Cambodia, the CIA, in it's infinite wisdom, recruits members of the Hell's Angels in order to pull him out. Can we say 'expendable'? Aside from being criminally grotesque and sinfully stupid, these hog-jockeys spend most of their time trying to get organized and end up kicking the snot out of each other. And on top of that, they won't complete their mission without a bitchin' combat-ready chopper between their legs. That oughta come in handy in the jungle. Be sure not to miss the scene where a spindly member of the gang offers his fat biker buddy an ammends brewski, then hammers him in the gut with everything he's got, leading into a slow-motion exploding spit-up which I'm sure you'll want to savor every single frame of.

Old Dracula (1974)

AKA 'Old Niven', 'Old Clueless Niven', 'Old David Niven in a Bad Blacksploitation Spoof'

[27 February 2001]

Niven plays a modern-day Dracula who, when discovering a young model with an ideal blood-type, then seduces the hot-bodied Afro-American, and drains her of her plasma to rejuvinate his eon-slumbering vampire bride. But it it all goes snafu when the new corbuscles turn his pale Transylvanian beauty into a dark-skinned vamp with an insatiable sexual appetite, much to her hubbies tight-faced disdain.

Bad, stupid, bad-bad, dumb, silly, awful, stinking, wreaking, bad, lousy, offensive, grotesque, bad-bad-bad movie!!

Zhuang ju zai yu Niu gan yan (1979)

Kung-fu fun in a story that's very involving!

[26 February 2001]

Mo (Yuen Biao) is a gifted student in one of the village's dozens upon dozens of kung-fu schools. But when the master's away, he leaves the place in the hands of his best student Kang. But Kang rules with a cruel, iron fist. Little does anyone know, however, Kang is really the pupil of his Masters' old nemesis Ken Mo Fung 'The Golden Tiger'. Fung has instructed Kang to discredit the school publicly, then kill his Master by poisoning his tea. When Mo almost stumbles in on the plot, Kang beats him with a viscious onslaught and casts him out of the school.

On his own, Mo runs into a comical, street-smart ne'er-do-well named Lobo. He helps Mo gain his independance and soon the two come to think of each other as brothers. When Mo and Lobo endure to become a fortified fighting duo (through alot trial and error), they then devise a plan to free the school of Fung's tyranny.

Lot's of hard hits and high kicks, with engaging characterizations, and many comic misadventures make this seemingly run of the mill kung-fu flick a cut above the rest done in the style of Jackie Chan. Look fast for a quick cameo by Sammo Hung.

All in Good Taste (1983)

Jim Carrey Nude!!

[6 July 2000]

I checked this one out of a 99 cent video rental store a few years back, for the sole purpose of seeing whether or not the caption on the box which read 'and Jim Carrey' had any merit. The movie seemed to have been made in the early 80's, so this would've been right in the middle of his first comedy club, impressionist act. Possibly his very first movie role.

The film, billed as a very raunchy comedy, revolves around a journalist who's sent in to infiltrate several adult-orientated businesses in search of a hit feature for his publication. With assured 'Canadian Content', it was bound to have blatant nudity to no end, and Jim might more than likely be captured au' natural for the camera.

As Canadian films go, this is A-typical. Bad cinematography coupled with a middle-school style of boisterous stage acting, and a plot fit to be marked with the Surgeon General's warning.

Normally, I'm not the type of guy who gets his jollies from gazing at the cracks of feature film actors before they were famous (no matter what you've heard), but this was too good to pass up. If it checked out, I'd be on the phone with 'Hard Copy' so fast.

So after about 40 minutes of misfire humor,several dozen floppy breast shots, and a directing style below-par for even a 'Mentos' ad,..no Jim. Then comes the scene where our journalist friend takes his story into the shady hallows of a sleazy massage parlor. It starts out as hokey as you'd expect, with the reporter getting totally bare-assed and wandering around the facilities, sheepishly hiding his goodies for pseudo-comedic effect.

Then you notice the photographer the guy brings along to visually record the event. And there he is..'Allll-righty,then!' No, he doesn't say that. In fact, he has no lines for the entire scene. Yes,..he is nude (all pasty,in fact), and there are a few butt shots. But, he cleverly covers his goodies with the 35mm camera. That's okay..that's okay.

I still liked it better than 'Cable Guy'.

My curiosity satisfied, I eject the tape and toss it behind the couch across the room, where it stayed for several weeks until the video store phoned and surreptitiously, but not needfully, asked for it back.

I've not seen a copy of it since. Lucky for you, Jim. Be a shame if the public saw your 'grinch'. And I ain't talkin Dr. Seuss here either, rubberface!

Branded to Kill (1967)

There Was One Scene In Particular...

[25 June 2000]

There's a shootout at this house out in the country, a guy sneaks up to the building, drops a can of gasoline into an open window, shoots his gun into the gasoline can, then the film cuts to a guy on fire running and screaming out of the house. Then someone mercifully shoots the guy. Did this really happen? Had I fallen asleep and dreamt that sequence? It was just too, too weird. It reminded me of a 'Daily Show'- Moment Of Zen.

Three Giant Men (1973)

Captain America and Mexican wrestler Santo battle an evil Spiderman in Istanbuhl. * Warning! Not suitable for children!

[12 October 1999]

Priceless statues are being stolen all over Istanbuhl(?). Looks like the work of that infamous, murdering Spiderman. The police call in special outside help in Captain America from the United States and the legendary Mexican wrestler Santo.

It's anyone's guess why Spidey's turned to a life of crime, what the significance of all the stolen art is, or if those are his bangs or his eyebrows sticking out of the holes in his mask. He's also traded-in his web-shooters for a slick little switch-blade,and can quickly clone himself if he's killed (that part gets real tiresome after a while). Captain America is missing his trusty shield and Santo's wrestling skills resemble Flintstone judo.

In fact, nothing seems to make sense at all in this live-action cartoon that makes Tim Burton's 'Batman' look as tame as the 60's TV series. Dozens of people are killed needlessly, sudden jump-cuts take you to sleazy strip clubs, and there's a love scene that's interrupted by the Mr. Rogers' puppets. Even worse, it's all in Turkish. No version in English or English subtitles is available. I'm not painting a pretty pictures here, I know. But I can say it is, without a doubt , one of the BIGGEST film oddities the world over.

AC/DC: Let There Be Rock (1980)

A French documentary film crew follows Australian rock-band AC/DC on their 1979 tour through Paris.

[21 December 1998]

The film captures one of the loudest rock n' roll bands on the planet onstage and off. Personal interviews with lead guitarist Angus Young, vocalist Bon Scott, and other bandmates, Malcolm Young (rhythm guitarist), Cliff Williams (bassist), and Phil Rudd (drummer), are seen within a 12 song set. 'High Voltage', 'Whole Lotta Rosie','Let There Be Rock',and 'Highway to Hell' are featured.

The film, shot in Paris during the last leg of the band's 1979 'Highway To Hell' tour, shows one of the final few performances of late-lead singer Bon Scott, as the movie itself is dedicated to him.