spider-31 Reviews

Hollow Point (1996)

Wacky derivative cool

[16 November 1999]

John Lithgow? Tia Carrere? Donald Sutherland?

Yep, they got them all, and a pill poppin G-man who loves his guns, mixed them up with a whole bunch of different gangsters and came up with this, a strange hybrid of naff action movie, and pure cool action...

It might be trashy and silly, but the four main characters manage to lift it out of the swamp of mediocrity (although Donald Sutherland does rave insanely for much of this film...) Of course, Tia Carrere's fabulous body is an added plus (or John Lithgow, I guess...if you prefer that kind of thing...)

Teaserama (1955)

Erotic? Only if you're living in the past...

[18 September 1999]

Well, at least Teaserama has Betty Page and the spectacularly-chested Tempest Storm to lure the viewer into a false sense of security. Once you get past these two, however, the film degenerates into dull gyrations from a variety of forgettable women, as well as painfully unfunny comedy routines. I assume they're supposed to be comedy; they could be just random words, it's hard to tell.

If you're a fan of Betty Page, Tempest Storm, or just kitschy camp silly costumed burlesque then you might as well watch it. If you want something erotic, or exciting, then don't watch it..

Razor Blade Smile (1998)

Rubber? Duck!

[2/10 · 13 April 1999]

Well, some people might go to see this to watch a trashy rubber and pvc clad bisexual vampire assassin kicking some ass. If that's what you want, and you wear a cloak, file your teeth to points and think that the name Lilith Silver is cool, you'll see a fine film.

If, like most people, an assassin dressed in gleaming, creaking rubber with HUGE cleavage, thick makeup and bad fangs makes you laugh, then this is one of the best comedies you'll see. I laughed so hard I nearly cried. Ridiculous acting, dialogue and plotting help to make this a better spoof than Dracula, Dead and Loving It could be...

It tries to be cool and goth, and all it succeeds in doing is making each scene hilarious. Even the tacked-on lesbian scene is funny (how *did* she get those boots off that quickly? They were laced up to *here*...)

Don't see it if you like good films. See it if you like terrible films and want to laugh until you fall over.... It isn't good, it's just bad.

The Return of the God of Gamblers (1994)

More playing cards, more guns, more chocolate

[8/10 · 13 April 1999]

A high budget sequel to the original, bringing glossy action and locations as well as gambling, chocolate, a gorgeous heroine and occasional slapstick comedy.

The scene when Dagger attempts to seduce a woman who believes him to be the God of Gamblers is alone hilarious.

With a romantic subplot, great action set-pieces and more stylishly filmed gambling, this film ups the ante on the first in the series, bringing in more magic, treachery and gunfights, with a welcome return from the ever-cool Dragon and a more sinister villain than last time.

Do you play the gamble?

Closet Land (1991)

Disturbing yet brilliant film

[9/10 · 13 April 1999]

This film, with only two characters, takes you closer to these two people, the interrogator and the prisoner, than most films take you to any character, however well-crafted.

The sheer confusion, terror and pain which Madeleine Stowe's character undergoes is deeply disturbing, as is Alan Rickman's sadistic yet charming interrogator.

This film is all too possible, and builds to a shocking climax, the effect of the film as a whole leaving you sitting in silence at the end. It'll haunt you for a long time.

The Handmaid's Tale (1990)

Colour coded and disturbing dictatorship

[9/10 · 13 April 1999]

Although this film can't come close to the sheer power of the book it's based on, it's still a moving and disturbing portrayal of an America gone wrong. The world of grass and concrete contrasts with the blue, red and black of the people inhabiting it, making the characters stand out in stark relief from each other.

This film draws you in, and is marred only by a slight over-Hollywoodisation in places, but is still chilling in its treatment of an American dictatorship, based around gender segregation, and rife with slogans and the odd masonic symbol. However, slight criticism aside, this is well directed and written, and the cast are all perfect in their roles, particularly Natasha Richardson, a usually underused actress, but here bringing life to the oppressed Offred

Paperhouse (1988)

Disturbing childhood nightmare

[10/10 · 13 April 1999]

Put quite simply, this film is terrifying.

It starts off simply, looking like a study of a rebellious young girl and goes on to become a beautifully crafted horror film.

Don't expect gore, or zombies. This is psychological, and just as he would also do in Candyman, Bernard Rose manages to convey the horror that is not being believed.

Each time you watch this film, you realise more about what's happening, and about how the two worlds in this film interconnect.

Drawings have never been scarier.

God of Gamblers (1989)

Playing cards, guns and chocolate

[13 April 1999]

Do you play the gamble?

While the British release is marred by terrible subtitles, this is still a great film. It isn't John Woo-style action all the way, but has so cool gambling, and John Woo playing a character who isn't just an action hero, but becomes an idiot, obsessed with chocolate.

And, regardless of everything else, the entire film is made near-perfect by the character of Dragon, the bodyguard of the God of Gamblers. He's the man we all would like to be.

If you like gambling, Honk Kong movies, or Chow Yun Fat, give it a try... you may like it...