iago-6 Reviews

The Black Dahlia (2006)

Bad News Folks: You May Have to Think

[9/10 · 18 September 2006]

It's a little disappointing to read the reviews to this film. True, it is quite complex (I didn't figure it out until four hours after the movie ended), and will probably take two viewings to make sense of it all, but I think it is a very good film that rewards such attention.

The opening hour is fairly static and lays out a massive amount of information. I was getting a little antsy, feeling like the film was floundering, but, for me at least, the second hour just became more, and more, and more exciting. I had to pee for the final hour and could never find a safe time to leave my seat! In retrospect you need all that info in the first half in order to start reaping rewards during the second half, but I fear that most people have given up by that time.

It's unfortunate that people routinely confuse a character that is supposed to be very unemotional with a blank and lifeless performance. I didn't like Josh Harnett until I saw Wicker Park, in which I came to appreciate how he can go from reserved to emotional wreck in 0.3 seconds. He is playing an emotionally reserved character, folks! His nickname is "Mr. Ice," right?

And I'm afraid that the Eckhart character's story won't come into focus until you've sorted the entire movie out, which may be hours after the movie has ended. Here's my interpretation of the Lee story, including massive spoilers:

Spoilers! Lee was involved in crooked business with the Linscott family, Hilary Swank's family. This is why he knew that the criminal was going to be in the brothel at the beginning. When Harnett threw him the matchbook and he saw Linscott's name, he knew that their investigation into the Black Dahlia murder could expose his own wrongdoing and ruin him. This is why he gets so obsessed with solving the case, and also cannot speak to anyone about why he's so obsessed. Spoilers end!

Anyway, this is a very well put-together movie that does require a great deal of attention. It's unfortunate that modern audiences seem to need everything explained to them and are unwilling to do any thinking whatsoever, but it is fortunate that De Palma continues to ignore them and make movies as intelligent as he wants to make them.

---- Hey, if I haven't annoyed you, visit my website devoted (mostly) to bad and cheesy movies: Cinema de Merde. You can find the URL in my email address.

Kong Island (1968)

There's no king, no kong, and no island

[4/10 · 2 June 2006]

I found this movie as part of a 3-movies-on-one-budget-DVD set called Killer Gorilla, and, having never considered the killer gorilla movie as a genre, thought that I should immediately fill this crucial gap in my knowledge. I also am attracted to the brazen way which this movie attempts to cash in on the familiar name of a more famous movie: that's right, Howard's End.

Viewers will not be surprised to learn, however, that there is in fact no king, no kong, and no island. We begin with what I can only assume is the "Love Theme from Kong Island" as we have all this exotica lounge music playing over the credits (by the way, this movie is just Kong Island in the credits). We are immediately introduced to our local mad doctor, who is performing a top-secret operation on a gorilla while spooky "woo-ooo" music plays. This, I might as well just tell you now, is to implant a mind-control device, so the mad doctor can control the gorillas, raise an army, etc.

Cut to hot bar owner Theodore, who likes his women the way he likes his rocks: silent and still. He has this daughter Ursula, who is still in love with this guy Burt, who I think may be the hero. One thing you notice right away is that the guys are pretty burly! They are all gathered in this happening exotic nightclub, where some hugger-mugger or other happens, I think telling us that Burt is on some mission of revenge or some such.

Soon we are treated to some really low-grade kung fu, then they all head off into the jungle, led by their guide Kaloomba. Unrelated nature footage abounds as they turn left and right, pretending to be amazed by the many wild creatures of the Congo. But soon, guys in gorilla suits are gathering and they make off with Ursula.

Burt, this muscleman played by Brad Harris, who apparently portrayed Hercules in several movies, and was also in SS Hell Camp, as well as Dallas and Falcon Crest, decides that he's feeling not so fresh, and locates a stream where he strips his shirt off and runs cool water all over his heavily muscled body. It is total beefcake. He then sees the jungle queen, whose name is, I kid you not, the Sacred Monkey, and he says the only thing his little mind knows how to: "HEY!" Then we rejoin Theodore and his wife as they have a fight. Theodore slaps the bejesus out of her, then throws her on the bed to ravage her, then we cut away. We next see the mad doctor in his poorly-conceived lab, where he tells Ursula "Now you will have to serve me, like them!" (meaning like the gorillas. So, is he saying that the gorillas serve him sexually? Kinky doctor.) Then the hero shows up, and there's some fights, then Theodore and his wife are there, and the wife shoots Theodore right in front of Ursula, his daughter! The mother turns around and tells Ursula: "This is all your fault!" Poor Ursula is really gonna have a few issues with relating, closeness and intimacy, I'm afraid.

Anyway, as has been signed into law, if a mad scientist has created and / or controls a living thing, it is decreed that the animal or whatever revolt and rise up to kill him at the end. The pattern is not reversed here. Then they bid a bittersweet adieu to the Sacred Monkey, and Ursula is all perky and waving "bye!" mere minutes after watching her mother kill her father in front of her. Poor girl, her mind is irrevocably cracked.

Overall, kind of fun, though it did get a little boring with all the interminable walking through the jungle and gaping at inserted nature footage. Though on the plus side there is all the hunky male beef and the exotica bachelor den music… it could be worse.

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

Norman... Is That You? (1976)

When it's time to change you've got to rearrange

[7/10 · 2 June 2006]

I saw a trailer for this on Afro Promo, the collection of movie trailers for movies featuring African-Americans. It looked like what it is; a highly tendentious "wacky" comedy in which an uptight black man realizes that his son is gay. It would seem that Redd Foxx's (RF) wife has left him for his brother, who works with him at "the store" back in Phoenix. He has taken the bus to visit his son Norman is Los Angeles.

So as RF arrives, Norman, wearing nothing but powder-blue bikini shorts, gets out of his waterbed to answer the door. Trying to buy time by making his elderly father take the stairs to what appears to be the 60th floor, Norman tries to wake his lover, who steadfastly refuses to budge. It was just to the point where I wrote "WHY won't he wake up?" when suddenly he does, and me and my friend's jaws dropped for the first of many times as we are presented with our first glimpse of the blue-eyed, swirl-hairdoed Garson, Norman's white live-in lover, who just "had the most faaaaaabulous dream…" Garson is a flaming queen of a type that can ONLY be imagined as emerging from 1976 L.A. He has dresses and a purse and big clunky jewelry, and seems to have modeled both his look and persona on Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch.

Norman orders his lover to find somewhere else to stay during his father's visit. Garson goes to stay with Waylon Flowers, and Madam answers the phone when Norman calls.

So RF attempts to reach his wife in Mexico. While he is on the phone, Garson comes in to pack his dress and RF confronts him. With a burst of 70s soul music meant to evoke his dawning revelation (but sounding more like we're about to hear a very special track by The Emotions), he realizes that his son is gay.

His first impulse is "I'll kill him. I'll kill him." Then RF goes on a long walk, wherein he cycles through all of the thoughts a confused parent might have, such as "maybe we toilet trained him too soon." His thoughts are all triggered by something he sees on his walk, for instance a burly truck driver appearing just as he is contemplating what makes a real man. Surprisingly, he goes to a bookstore and buys about eight books on homosexuality. This, it must be said, is about eight more books on homosexuality than MY parents bought. He then goes straight to a park bench and reads them all!

RF then hires Audrey, a six-foot Amazon prostitute (in this amazing fur thing) played by Tamara Dobson of Cleopatra Jones. He hired her for Norman to try out heterosexuality, but this pisses Norman and he storms out to go stay with his friend Melody.

Then Garson comes over and offers to take RF out for the night. He commiserates over the loss of RF's wife, and tells the tale of his own mother, who harbors an irrational prejudice against Pilippinos because "she was molested at a luau." They attend a long featured performance of Wayon and Madam, which culminates in Madam violently bashing her head against the piano until her hair comes loose. Once more, mouths were agape.

So it seems that, wouldn't ya just know it, RF and Garson have a wonderful evening together! You see, staid, traditional older black men just have to see the crappy, highly-effeminate entertainment of mega-queens in order to come around to ALL the gay world has to offer! It's really JUST that simple! This still does not prevent RF from yelling "Rape!" when Garson wakes him from a bad dream. It ends less predictably than you'd think.

There was so much that was just off. WHAT is the basis of Norman and Garson 's relationship? They don't seem to have ANY rapport, and Norman has no qualms whatsoever about kicking Garson out, and even when he comes around to stand up for himself, he never defends Garson or talks about their relationship. There were some kind of sweetly quaint touches like RF going to buy all those books on homosexuality-—and sitting right down on the park bench to read them! I like the idea that a parent would actually try to find something out about homosexuality, rather than just run off to get drunk or commiserate with his friends.

Other than that, it's kind of just what it seems like: a little relic of a bygone era, an era in which some gay people thought that if uptight straight people just sat down and watched a drag marionette performance, we could all learn to love and understand one another! And because of the whole naiveté of this thing, the extreme stereotypes and message-laden dialogue just come off as charmingly outdated, and provide a great deal of grist for discussion on how things have changed for gays in the past 30 years. I guess the only thing that seems offensive is the idea that gays' female friends are desperately in love with them, and are willing to get them drunk in order to sleep with, and by extension convert, them.

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

My Little Eye (2002)

Scary for a while

[6/10 · 2 June 2006]

The deal is this: Six strangers will be in this kind of "Real World" situation in which they have to remain in a creepy, isolated house for six months. If they do, they win a million dollars. If any of them leaves, they all lose the money. The movie opens with clips from their audition tapes, which is a very clever and unobtrusive way to quickly draw each character and also deliver exposition about the rules of the game. Then the screen divides into four and we see a bunch of quick shots, which moves us five months and three weeks forward in time—-and by three minutes in we're at the last week of the contest. We'll talk about this later.

Then we start settling in with the characters. Now you notice that the idea of the film is that you will see only what the webcams see, which turned out to be much more effective than I expected at creating and sustaining tension. And it's easy to do—-you can start having regular close-ups and the audience won't notice so long as every third or fourth shot is off-balance or looks random is some way. I really admire movies that can do things very cheaply but that work really well, and this is one of those conceits.

Now, the best way to watch this movie is by not knowing much more than I've told you above. If you like a good, scary horror movie that keeps you in high suspense (until it starts to deflate a bit toward the end), definitely stop now and watch it. If you've already seen it or you just don't care, read on. We'll have two levels of spoilers, for things that it would just be better not to know, and things that will really give away the ending of the movie.

Level one spoilers! If you don't know what's happening, the movie plays with a lot of possibilities. What I thought toward the beginning was that the house would have mechanisms which would kill the participants, and the audience would watch how the others react. This resulted in perhaps the longest period I have spent NOT watching a movie, because I couldn't stand the tension of when something was going to jump or shoot out. And something about the automated camera sounds and angles really made every moment seem threatening, instead of just the ones that follow on certain camera angles that we know spell danger. That said, there were a large amount of pointless jump scares in this section, and those can get annoying. One was a loud bump in the room behind, rendered so well by the surround sound that I truly thought the woman in the apartment behind me has dropped something really heavy against the wall.

Anyway, it would appear that the people who are running the contest are messing with the people in the house. They cut off the heat. They stop the food shipments. They tell one character that his beloved Grandfather is dead. And all of these things create more tension between the housemates, and they start gradually turning on each other. One very clever and successful way this seems to organically happen is that if one person leaves no one gets the money—-so whenever one character is fed up and wants to leave, another will convince them to stay because he wants the money. Then just after this we have one of the most amusing rationalizations for why a couple need to have sex that I've heard in some time: "Maybe (the webcast creators) are punishing us for not having sex."

Level two spoilers! Around this time it becomes a lot more clear what's happening, and I'm afraid it becomes a lot less interesting. Rather than the webcast creator messing with the minds of their contestants until they kill each other, which I was kind of hoping for, but rather it becomes a kind of slasher thing with a twist. I was a little disappointed by that, but this approach does offer one extremely cheap yet extremely effective decapitation.

According to the IMDb this film was getting good word of mouth when there was a disastrous screening of a four hour version of it, and after that distribution dried up. At the beginning I saw the Universal logo and was wondering why what looks like a standard movie got buried, but ultimately this film's grimmer than grim ending made me realize why they thought they couldn't lure mainstream audiences. But the fact that a four hour version exists explains a lot of things that appear but never go anywhere in the film, and also speaks to how much detail the filmmakers seem to think you need. Me, 90 minutes was just enough.

Oh, and at the end they really screw up the creepy webcast tone they've been building up the entire movie with some really inappropriate speed-metal.

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

Poltergeist III (1988)

Beware Scary Marcie

[5/10 · 2 June 2006]

I had seen this one in theaters way back in the day, and thought it was such crap. It still is, only now I have no expectation to get any real scares or chills from it, and it's cheesy and ludicrous that I was SO into it.

So Carol Anne has supposedly been sent by her mom and dad to stay with her Aunt Pat, played by Nancy Allen, and Tom Skerritt, who as I recall was always in total trash like this, his nadir perhaps being Poison Ivy. They have a teenage daughter in Lara Flynn Boyle, of Twin Peaks and many other things. They live in the John Hancock building in Chicago, and apparently they keep a guest room ready just in case any ghost-haunted nieces may need a place to stay for an extended period of time.

Anyway, the movie wastes no time in getting to the "scares," the first being an old guy who is supposed to be Kane from movie II standing outside on the scaffold. Apparently the real Kane died between movies. The new one isn't nearly as creepy as he was, and thus we never really get a good look at him. This one is also all about mirrors, as they are a recurring motif in the high-rise, and also where the spirits enter the apartment this time, leading to innumerable shots where something in the mirror doesn't match what's happening in real life or appears in the mirror and not in life. It gets tedious.

Anyway, so the family pile into the carpool of some neighbor in the building, who have a teenage son, Scott, that Lara is really into. And he has this younger sister, Marcie, who is among the best things about this movie. She is the quintessential annoying little brat sister, with her huge glasses, irritatingly nasal voice, and ferocious zeal to get right up in people's faces and make snide comments to them! The first and best of these is when she turns around to Lara and sneers "Oh Scott! My knight in shining acne!" Another good one later is when Lara goes down to a party at Scott's house and Marcie answers the door: "Ha! Couldn't stay away from Hot Scott!" I totally want to watch a whole movie about her, though I have to say she would be more at home in something like Weird Science than this.

Later, while Tom and Nancy go down to this art opening by "Takamitsu," Lara sneaks down to a "party" at Hot Scott's. One thing that can be observed is the rich reserves of late-80s fashion on display here. You know, a lot of movies cover the 80s, but very few of them really zero in on the specific nuances of the late 80's. Nancy Allen, with her hair that looks like a Utah rock formation and big, big outfits with tremendous shoulder-pads and lots of wrinkles and brooches and belts, looks exactly like my best friend in high school. It's a little weird to see her having fully embraced adulthood and no longer presented as a sexpot. Yay, Nancy Allen! But Lara's time at Scott's party presents a golen cornucopia of late-80s style with all the party peoples, including one with this hideous frizz-thing atop her head, a guy with a ludicrous hat that surely evolved out of something having to do with Culture Club, and the whole sense that the teens of yesteryear were on the cutting edge while wearing a sweater with a shirt collar poking out from underneath. This whole sequence is literally breathtaking.

Anyway, tons of ghostly phenomena happen, not one bit of it interesting, and even less making sense. It's all just so random and idiotic, one is more than an hour in and feels as though the whole thing hasn't gotten going yet. Things get frozen, they melt instantly, people go into the spirit world, come out, go back in, their doppelganger comes out… and on. And Tangina gets real crispy at one point.

Spoilers! At the end Nancy has finally had enough, and starts trashing Carol Anne to anyone who will listen! "Who cares about Carol Anne anymore! We never should have let them force her on us!" Then one insignificant piece of phenomena is finished, and Tom and Nancy embrace, saying "it's all over!" Then Nancy is forced to eat all her words about how much she hates Carol Anne and try to convince her that she loves her and wants her to stay! Then Tangina appears and says that all she has to do is walk Kane into the light, and she does, and everything is over. This does not satisfy, as: 1) the entire series has been predicated on the idea that the spirits will accept no one but Carol Anne, and 2) Then why didn't you do that in the first movie and spare everyone all the trouble? Spoilers end

This movie was directed by Gary Sherman, who also did a very well-regarded and pretty decent horror movie called Dead & Buried. It's too bad for him to be brought down by this, but because of the bungled ending, we'll never know what it was originally supposed to be like. This is total and utter crap, but I liked it and found it fun for just how stupid it all was, and, of course, little Marcie.

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

The Stuff (1985)

Good Stuff

[6/10 · 2 June 2006]

Many of the recommendations I get come preceded by: "I can't believe you haven't seen…" The latest one was for The Stuff, which I didn't even know about, but which leapt into first place upon seeing that it was written and directed by Larry Cohen, who did one of my weird favorites, God Told Me To, as well as It's Alive and Black Caesar.

This movie is a sort of The Blob meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers. In the first scene a factory worker sees this kind of marshmallow fluff-looking stuff bubbling out of the ground… so naturally he eats it. It tastes really good, and he decides that he could probably make money selling it. Next thing we know it has taken the country by storm and everyone is eating it. We then move in on this cute kid, Jason, who gets up one night and sees the stuff moving, and is justifiably freaked out. This is accomplished by a simple and charming effect: turning the refrigerator on its side. Simple special effects like this always bring a smile to the face.

Then we meet Michael Moriarty as 'Mo' Rutherford, this corporate spy who comes off as this really stupid Texas buffoon, but is actually quite smart and just using that as a disguise. He's a real character-—as you might say about someone you know who's a bit bizarre—-but it's also very refreshing to have characters that are distinct, well-drawn and interesting, instead of characters obviously focus-tested into oblivion to be 'likeable' and 'doable.' Later, Andrea Marcovicci shows up as Nicole, and her character trait is that she cracks her neck and knuckles really loudly. It's just really refreshing to have strange, distinct characters. By the time early SNL member Garrett Morris shows up and is doing his schtick with Mortiary, I was really wanting a regular TV show featuring the two of them.

Anyway, one of the few issues I have with the movie is that it moves too quickly. By 20 minutes in, The Stuff has completely taken over society and Jason is freaking out in a supermarket and trying to destroy their displays of The Stuff… it just seemed like I had watched an hour worth of movie in that time. But anyway, during that time you get lots of faux commercials for The Stuff (Enough is never enough… of The Stuff!) which are always fun. But like I said, before you know it, Mo and Jason and Nicole are all hooked up together and against The Stuff and are trying to find out where it comes from… and you're kind of like "shouldn't this be happening more toward the end? So what are they going to do at the end?"

In here the enterprising Jason has eaten Barbisol shaving cream in order to escape his parents, whereupon he's picked up by Mo, whereupon he pukes in Mo's car, causing Mo to say "That's okay. Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while." They find the source of The Stuff, a giant hole in the ground, and there's a lot of running around and explosions and stuff. In here also is a giant Stuff attack where this huge amount shoots out of a bed and devours this guy, accomplished by turning the entire room upside-down. If you listen to the commentary you find out that this room was made on the exact same mechanism for the room in which Johnny Depp got killed in the first Nightmare on Elm Street… and though not mentioned, I presume also the same room where Tina bought it after sliding up the wall in that movie. And you know, it's alwaysfun to watch things slide up walls! Especially when they're on fire!

Spoilers! Then you have this crazy general played by Paul Sorvino. You get a cameo by the "Where's The Beef?" lady. Then you have some advanced special effects for a movie like this. At the end they commandeer a radio station and just tell everyone not to eat The Stuff, just tell stores not to sell it, and just tell distributors to destroy their stock—and miraculously, they all do! So you never really find out what it was and where it came from, but you don't mind. It was such silly fun all along one doesn't mind a silly ending. Spoilers end!

Overall, a very fun, slightly scary movie with a sheen of social and commercial satire, appealingly daft characters, and special effects created by turning a room on its side. That's all I need!

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

Black Christmas (1974)

Christmas bells are snoring

[3/10 · 2 June 2006]

When the remake of When A Stranger Calls was out, obviously I was interested in watching the original. Then when I read about the original (which I recall had my sisters totally freaked out back in the day) I saw that the real money is on Black Christmas, which apparently beat everyone to the "the caller is in the house" punch. So I Netflix that, and it sits at the top of my list for months due to its "very long wait." All this time I am getting more and more eager to see it! Then one day, out of the blue, it finally arrives! ...And it's a total snore.

Sure, maybe I had elevated expectations, but I don't think it would have gained more had I seen it fresh. The thing is it's Christmas in some Canadian college town, and there's this sorority having a party. We see some killer-POV shots as he climbs this trellis and sneaks into the attic. So we KNOW he's in the house. Then we're introduced to our characters—-Olivia Hussey as the mousy, whiny, Canadian-accented Jess. Margot Kidder as the annoying, overtly aggressive alcoholic Barb. She's so annoying even her mother dis-invites her for her Christmas festivities. There's also this irritating Janis Ian clone ("Phil") and this alcoholic den mother Mrs. Mac, seen taking nips from the various bottles of booze she has stashed all over the house. We also meet Jess's highly-strung boyfriend Peter, played by Keir Dullea of 2001 and Bunny Lake is Missing fame, though halfway through the film I was still asking myself "Which one's Keir Dullea?"

So it seems that the house has been receiving obscene phone calls, but this was before email, so they couldn't ask him to send a photo. Then—-well, you know how they say those plastic dry-cleaning bags are not a toy? One of the sisters finds that out the hard way. Don't worry if you don't catch the first 14 shots of the plastic-encased corpse face as it reposes in the attic—-there'll be 28 more interspersed throughout the film, obviously there to make you say "Oh my God! There's a corpse in the attic!" Though after the first hour that changes to: "How come the dumb police haven't found the rather prominently-placed plastic-encased corpse in the attic?" Especially as it is made abundantly clear that it is clearly visible from outside the house. Really, any time before CSI came on the air must have been such a golden age of crime; the cops are so dumb. Fortunately some of them look like John Saxon.

Anyway, after a lot more darn boring human drama, the house mother fears that her precious kitty has ascended a vertical ladder and has pushed open a heavy-looking trap door that rests atop it (those wily cats!), for she sticks her head in there and ends up with a hook pulley in her neck for the trouble. Now we have two corpses up in the attic—-hey, why don't we have 75 more shots trying to chill us by the fact that there are now TWO corpses in the attic?

So by now the police have begun to take the situation seriously, and tap the houses' phone and station a cop outside. They inform Jess and her pal Janis Ian that if the obscene caller calls back, they need to keep him on the phone. Jessica, who has grown even more whiny, mousy and annoying keeps asking the caller "Who is this? What do you want? Who are you?" after like the first 89 calls, when it is clear that he is not going to answer her. Isn't that like a sign a developmental disability? The inability to learn from unsuccessful attempts at something? And what's he going to do, suddenly say "Oh yeah, hi, it's Bob from the Laundromat?" Dumb Jess.

Spoilers! Anyway, soon Janis Ian and Lois Lane (Kidder) are piled in bed with ketchup splashed on their faces (this film's idea of gore), and idiot Jess realizes that not a single door or window in the house is locked. Hello? Are you being stalked or what? Then the cops realize that the killer is in the house, and call Jess and tell her "don't ask questions, just do as I say… walk to the front door and get out." So what does moron Jess do? Starts screaming "Phil? Barb? Phil? Barb?" Hey, great idea sister. Now why don't you go right upstairs where you know a psychotic killer is lurking? Of course she does, and sees her former friends, all splashed with ketchup, prompting this viewer to scream at the screen: "Have a clue now?!"

Now, obviously one needs to be understanding and realize that this movie was made before the classic slasher movie tropes were solidly in place, and that it doesn't move to the same pace we're used to, and seeing a plastic-covered corpse in the attic like 206 times probably WAS scary back in the day, and people weren't used to being stalked by psychopaths, so they wouldn't think to, you know, lock the doors or windows. And they might be tempted to wander upstairs when they have just been told that a rabid killer is up there. You see, people were stupid back in the 70s. We have to understand that. One of the big shocks is that we don't even see our proto-Final Girl kill the psycho. But believe me, that fact is more interesting being read in this review than sitting through the movie for. Spoilers end!

------ Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website on bad and cheesy movies (with a few good movies thrown in). You can find the URL in my email address above.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Too many rip-offs

[2/10 · 15 May 2006]

I was really excited about this movie. I saw Godzilla 2000 when it came out and loved it. It was fun, like a Godzilla movie usually is, and it had a wonderfully refreshing sense of special effects as creating spectacular and strange sights: for example, what does it look like when a giant lizard crosses a coastal inlet by moonlight, in contrast to our American sense of special effects, which is just to overwhelm. I thought it was awesome and I totally want to watch it again right now.

Anyway, so I kept waiting for this one to come out at the theater, but it never did, and I was super geeked to learn that it was on DVD. My interest in seeing it right now shot into the red zone when I learned of the existence of mustachioed wrestler Don Frye, and found out that he was in the movie. But alas, after watching it I see why it wasn't released here, as this thing is essentially unreleasable.

The movie begins with a prologue in which Godzilla is frozen in ice at the South Pole. You will be shocked, as I was, to learn that one of the Japanese crewmembers of the boat transforms into very American Don Frye a few years later! What, do you turn American if you just work out enough? Can I turn Greek or Brazilian or something if I diet? It raises an intriguing number of possibilities. Anyway, then we have a hyperkinetic credits sequence that reviews the entire history of Godzilla movies. It is emblematic of the entire film to come as 1) it gathers all the favorite elements of Godzilla over the years as this, intended to be the final Godzilla movie ever, attempts to do, and 2) it is so frenetic and over-the-top that it soon becomes boring.

So anyway, in a futuristic Japan designed by people who have seen The Matrix, scientists have found the mummy of a cyborg monster. I would never have suspected that this mummy is going to come alive later. It also seems that a portion of this future society is made up of mutants with special abilities, and they have banded together to create a band called M People, uh, I mean M Organization, or something. This storyline in no way resembles that of the X-Men series.

So a bunch of monsters attack inexplicably, including this cool armadillo thing that can roll itself into a ball and bounce over buildings. What I did like about the movie is the brazen way in which it mixes not-that-bad effects with obvious models and toys and guys in suits. Then these aliens appear and make the monsters go away. They are going to unite with humans and change the United Nations into the Space Nations, though it is soon revealed that—-you won't believe it!-—they're actually evil and are fish-like underneath their human disguises and are planning on using the humans for food. They repeatedly refer to the humans as cattle, in a way obviously intended to make us go "ooh!" This plot line… I had no idea that the short-lived TV series "V" was so influential in Japanese culture.

Along the way we have some Matrixy fights and motorcycle chases which are stupifyingly dull, an idiotic kiss-off line to a monster ("Sorry! I'm a vegetarian!"), and a ludicrously approximated New York complete with badly-dubbed cop who is ready to blow a black person away with almost no provocation. And by this time most viewers will be saying "Hello? Where is Godzilla?"

Anyway, at around the one-hour mark the aliens have loosed all these various monsters on the world, and the humans decide that their only hope is to go to the south pole and awaken Godzilla. They do. I did not know that Godzilla could zip around the world quite so quickly, but there he is, destroying the Sydney Opera House, and a few seconds later is in Japan, after visiting a bunch more countries in between. He dispatches a bunch of monsters without a hitch, then the aliens release these cyborg-things with giant hedge-trimmers for hands, and they and Godzilla unleash some X-Treme wrestling moves, running up canyons and power-pounding each other in the umpteenth attempt to make this movie the ultimate in awesome and only results in rendering it stupid and embarrassing.

Now aside from the indirect X-Men rip-offs, we also have a bald rip-off of the Death Star climax from Return of the Jedi, in which a spaceship flies through a tunnel lined with pipes and stuff in the giant alien orb, until it comes to the big reactor chamber in the middle, which it blows up. I don't understand… do they think we just didn't SEE Return of the Jedi? Or just that it was so awesome we'd love to see the exact same thing again? Ditto the scene, replicated almost exactly from The Matrix, in which one of our heroes holds up his hand and stops a hail of bullets in their place right in front of him. This is in addition to all the general Matrix rip-offs throughout the movie. If you ask me, if this is really supposed to by Godzilla's big finale, he deserves a lot better than cheesy rip-offs of movies that came years after him.

------------- Hey, check out my website on bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, which you can find through the URL in my email address.

Frogs (1972)

Hot Sam, Dumb Movie

[6/10 · 10 April 2006]

This movie is so incredibly stupid and poorly made it kind of becomes likable. The idea is that the big mean millionaire who, like all big mean millionaires, doesn't care about the environment, has dumped a bunch of poison into the surrounding swamps in order to quiet the incessant noise of the frogs. This may or may not have made the frogs and amphibian mutate, or it may not have, and the movie is so shoddily made that you can't tell, but one thing is clear: they want to kill, Kill, KILL!!

The movie begins when some Eco-dork is out photographing pollution along some lake. Your first clue as to where this movie is headed is that the pollution he photographs is obviously on a different lake than the one he's on. Now, I was looking forward to a nice hot slice of Sam sandwich, and in the opening minutes I'm sitting around saying "Okay fine, but where's Sam? I wants me some Sam!" before I realized that the photo-snapping canoe-paddling Eco-dork I was watching IS Sam. Just without a mustache. And Sam Elliott without a mustache is like, what? Mount Rushmore without the giant heads?

So anyway, Sam is run over by a partying playboy and his moll in a speedboat, (actually, Sam obviously flips his own canoe a second before the wave hits him), and they feel so "bad" that they insist that he come to their lakeside mansion, where their blow hard wheelchair-bound grandfather is preparing to celebrate his birthday on the following day, July 4th. The blow hard grandfather is played by Ray Milland, known primarily as the poor man's John Houseman, and he does his incorrigible Houseman imitation throughout. Sam is then introduced to every single member of the family, including one of the playboy sons who has brought an African-American "model" with enormous hair along with him. The entire family is a stereotype of a millionaire family, but unfortunately the screenwriter can't think of anything for them to do but sit around stuffily, drink, play tennis, and complain. This becomes more and more comic as the grandfather insists (even in the face of the impending amphibian apocalypse!) that everyone stay at the house to celebrate his birthday… which apparently consists entirely of sitting around, drinking and complaining exactly like they do on any other day.

Now, whenever you mention this movie to anyone, they say "Frogs?! What do they do, GUM you to death?" And that would identify the central problem with this movie's premise: frogs, on the whole, do two things: a) sit, and b) hop. Neither of which is very threatening. The movie simply hopes you won't notice this, however, and takes the tack of intercutting shots of frogs sitting and/or hopping with the characters going about their business, hoping to create some kind of eerie frisson. Often they will show a character walking by, then pan down to see that: there are frogs nearby! This effect will horrify you to a slightly lesser degree than picking your toenails. There is a humorous effect to be had when you realize that since frogs do not hop on cue, having a guy offcreen chuck a frog at a sitting frog WILL in fact make it hop. That's a cinematic solution.

But it's not just the frogs that are plotting evil as they sit silently doing absolutely nothing. The snakes, the lizards, the slugs, and the crocodiles—-basically anything creepy—-are all in on the nefarious plan for swampal dominion. Again, most of these things, you'll note, are not known for their successful attacks on humans. So they resort to other methods. The first "attack," which happens 45 minutes into the 90-minute movie (please ensure that your fast-forward button is working prior to loading the film), occurs when the one of the morons shoots himself in the leg with a shotgun. Unfortunately this occurs under a willow tree teeming with tarantulas. The makers of this film sincerely hope that you cannot tell the difference between a spiderweb and common tree moss, because I think you're supposed to believe that the spiders are covering him with their wicked webs. Now, since tarantulas do not attack humans, this necessitates some guy off camera chucking spiders at the poor victim while he writhes around and flails at nothing. It's truly straight out of Ed Wood.

I would have liked to have been the "creature chucker" on this film.

Later, some of those ingenious lizards use poison in order to kill their victim, and then they… go lay on him. The horror! There's also slug and snake attacks. After a while the deaths come thick and fast and one more nonsensical than the next. Oh, and please take note of the first corpse found: first, he's laying there obviously breathing. Then Sam turns him over, and his face is all gross, eyes sealed shut. Cut to a shot of Sam mourning this loss to the family of man, then cut back to the corpse, whose eyes have suddenly sprung open. You just never do know what's going to happen in that swamp.

--- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

Galaxina (1980)

Space Babe

[6/10 · 10 April 2006]

I got this movie when I saw it for $5 at this booth where this guy was selling a lot of old DVDs from Wal-Mart's defunct DVD rental service. I knew nothing about it, but saw the title, that it was the only film role for Playboy Playmate of the Year Dorothy Stratten, and that it was put out by Rhino, so I hauled off and bought it.

It begins with a rip-off of the Star Wars crawl, which they obviously thought needed to be three long paragraphs in order to be a true parody, because it goes on forever without having much to say. What it does is tell you that this ship is traveling along with Galaxina, who is this robot shaped like a Playboy Playmate who manages this ship. Then there is a LONG shot of the expanse of the ship, also like Star Wars, and the credits go on. The credits go on forever, in fact, pausing every now and then to show Galaxina in her glowly chair (a great image, but one we end up seeing a lot of) and the ship flying through space.

What strikes one right away is how straightfaced this all is. The tone is entirely serious and somber, even when the events of the story are ridiculous, which sets it apart from other space comedies like The Ice Pirates, which I just watched, and whose music offers a clue to the wacky tone throughout. Not here.

Anyway, so we're introduced to our crew, including Sarge, who is first seen doing rows and smoking a cigar. He looks a bit like Jackson Browne. There's another, prettier guy, and Captain Corneilius Butt, who is hilariously introduced at the climax of a 2001-like build-up. They hang out for a bit, with Butt torturing a captive alien for a while, before they encounter a Darth Vader-like alien who engages then in a space fight. There they are, deadlocked and waiting for one ship's shields to fail first, and then all of a sudden it's over with no explanation and they just proceed about their business.

Now, Galaxina, who wears a white outfit that can accurately be described as "form-fitting," cannot speak, and touching her (say when you're reaching round to goose her) delivers an electric shock. Then Captain Butt eats a disgusting space egg and burps up an Alien-type creature which escapes into the ship. Then Sarge declares his love for Galaxina, and endures a painful shock just to embrace her for a moment.

They are then ordered to go fetch the Blue Star, every mention of which cues a burst on the soundtrack like upon the utterance of "Frau Bluerheher" in Young Frankenstein. They will have to go into cryosleep for 27 years to get there, and 27 more to get back, which they are justifiably annoyed about. But all is forgiven when they are offered ONE night of rec leave. What does this say about the priorities of the working classes? So they spend one night in a space brothel where they are entertained by a variety of strange female aliens. This sequence is obviously modeled on the cantina sequence from Star Wars, and features makeup that is comparable to that movie. Then into cryosleep. While in cryosleep the little alien comes out and tries to dethaw Captain Butt, but cannot figure out the code and eventually gives up with a whimper.

While the guys are in cryosleep Galaxina, who has fallen in love with Sarge, teaches herself to speak and makes her body warm and soft. Upon thawing him out she offers herself to him, saying that she'll make his every wish her command. Then she is kidnapped by space bikers who are going to sacrifice her to the god "Har Lee David Son," when she is rescued, they get the blue star, the end.

Somewhere in here is a funny commercial that says "Do you have a drinking problem? Then come on down to Happy Hour Spirits! We've got all the booze you need!" So, what of it? It's obviously a highly silly thing (that wears out its welcome after an hour—why do all movies HAVE to be at least 90 minutes?), but what's strange is that the tone throughout is sort of spacey and somber, which makes all the supposedly funny scenes and wackiness have a strange kind of hypnotic sadness and loneliness. That's the most notable thing about this movie (well, I guess aside from Stratten), but it's not really enough to make watching it worthwhile.

And what of Stratten? She is pretty and has a great body, showcased throughout, but it seems odd for a movie which seems to exist mostly to highlight her and her charms, that she remains fully covered throughout and doesn't really even do much that's outwardly sexy. Huh. Stratten is the subject of Bob Fosse's Star 80, which is now comfortably ensconced in my rental list.

There is an easter egg where you can click on the spaceship in the middle of the menu, leading you to "alien audition footage," which is really three pieces of primitive computer animation. The most convincing explanation is that some guy who worked on the DVD had these student projects in computer animation, and couldn't bear to see them just thrown out.

That's about it. Not really worth seeking out (unless you want to oogle Stratten), but not really painful to sit through. Another one of those strange oddities (and odd it definitely is) that was made… for some reason that remains unclear.

-- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

God Told Me To (1976)

Do ya like it WEIRD?

[8/10 · 10 April 2006]

From Larry Cohen, who brought us It's Alive and what my friend describes as "the best blaxploitation movie ever," Black Ceasar, comes God Told Me To, one of the strangest and most compelling horror/sci-fi movies I know of.

The movie begins with a beautiful and creepy credits sequence showing these things floating through liquid. It reminded me a bit of the beautiful but equally inexplicable credits sequence from eXistenZ. Then we quickly move on to an average day in 70s Manhattan, where a sniper suddenly begins taking out random people on the sidewalk. This is an awesome scene, which gains a lot of resonance from recent events, creating a very creepy and surreal scene that one (who lives in Manhattan) could very easily imagine happening. Anyway, Peter, our hero, climbs up the water tower where the sniper is, receiving extensive ass coverage on the way, and tries to talk him down. The guy tells him that "God told him to" kill the people, then tosses himself to the ground. And we're off! Peter is played by Tony Lo Bianco, the hot hot hot protagonist from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Honeymoon Killers. And, as he was supposed to be smokin' hot in that movie, in this movie he is also treated as somewhat of a sex object, which is no problem for me. Why can't I date a hot Italian detective who lounges around the house in sheer pants with white bikini briefs underneath? Anyway, soon the plot point start getting piled on. Peter is super religious, it's apparently like an addiction with him. He's dating this woman who inexplicably wears these ludicrous glasses at all times (even in bed), and has a wife who is, shall we say, a bit dour. The police station where he works is littered with hot daddies. There are more inexplicable murders, and the killers all say "God told me to" before dying.

One of these sequences takes place during the St. Patrick's day parade, where we get extensive coverage of the hot hot cops (back when cops had mustaches and weren't all burgeoning metrosexuals). One of the cops freaks out and begins shooting. The thing is, this cop is played by ANDY KAUFMAN. You barely notice it, but it's just one of the interesting factoids about this movie. Another, that we learn from the trivia section, is that what we're watching is actual footage from an actual parade, shot on the sly by Cohen, who told the police that he was shooting a documentary. That means that all the hot cops are actual hot cops. Ahh, better days.

As it all goes on it starts getting stranger and stranger. I'm going to stop, because if you're going to watch the movie (which you should), it's good to be surprised by where this all I headed.

-- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

Flesh Gordon (1974)

Skip the movie and listen to the commentary

[5/10 · 10 April 2006]

Hey, I like good, sleazy fun, so I thought I couldn't go wrong with renting Flesh Gordon, which I have heard about for years without really knowing much about. The movie itself is mildly amusing, but what's really wonderful abut this disc is the commentary track, which is TEN TIMES more interesting than the movie itself.

The Movie We open with a LONG title about how this is a tribute to the adventure serials of the 20s and 30s… we find out on the commentary that this was added to avoid a lawsuit, because they were unaware that their writer had taken an episode from Flash Gordon and reproduced it nearly exactly. Anyway, so it seems that the good citizens of Earth are suddenly bombarded by the sex ray, which makes them crazed to have sex with the first person they see (and I wonder: what would David Cronenberg make of this?). This is a big problem, so Flesh Gordon, who soon meets Dale Ardor, are going to travel to the planet Porno to find out what's going on. They meet Flesh's pal Flexi Jerkoff (one of those jokes that, the more you think about it, the more absurd and funny it gets), who has a spaceship that oddly recalls the shape of a penis, and they take off. By now you will have noticed the radical differences in quality and apparent budget from scene to scene. For example, later in the film we have some very nice, nearly-academy award nominated stop-motion animation, and yet when Flesh and co. are on the plane at the beginning, it's quite clear that the walls are made of stapled-on packing material.

So Flesh and pals travel through the moronosphere to the planet Porno, where they crash land. Meanwhile, the evil Emperor Wang has noticed their presence, and sent out guards, who obsequiously refer to him as "Your Protuberance," "Your Sickness," and "Degenerate One." The guards go after our trio who are having their own problems with the Penisauruses, which are giant stop-motion animated uncut penises with horns and one vertically-blinking eye. This affords viewers the sight of the comely Dale being rubbed all over by a dickhead the size of a hippo. They escape, and are soon awarded the power pasties by someone or other, which will give them the decisive edge.

Anyway, so it goes on, even going so far as to include an intermission and cliffhanger as tribute to the original series. Later our heroes are menaced by giant robots with spinning drills where their dicks would normally be, and finally Dale (whose bush is the size of Nebraska, by the way) is taken by this giant monster to the top of a tower, in an unlikely tribute to King Kong. Things go on and soon they end.

This movie is clearly part of the mix that resulted in the Austin Powers movies, and it has a similar effect as so many of the jokes are so juvenile and moronic that eventually they become kind of funny. I was especially laughing at the guards saying things like "Right away, degenerate one" to Emperor Wang. The problem is that NO ONE in the movie is attractive, so although there's lots of randiness and softcore excitement going on, there was no one I was really interested in.

The Commentary I popped in the commentary while I was assembling some furniture, really just wanting to know WHAT the director could possibly have to say about this piece of work. What I got was a totally fascinating tale of low-budget grindhouse film-making in all its glory. The producers made porn films, and that was all. But at this time, some porn films were getting shown in legitimate theaters, so they decided to make a porn film that had more to it than sex, and hired various people and got started. One of the interesting aspects of the whole story is that the producers have no idea what the screenwriter or special effects people are doing while they all work separately. These were people with absolutely no experience in making a film, suddenly trying to do it. They face associates baldly trying to cheat them, police harassment, a few rounds through the judicial system… it's an incredible story. For a while the director is followed by the police until they locate the set, then the police confiscate the film, and then the director has to prove in court that the film is NOT pornographic, which helped determine why this movie came out as a softcore comedy "tribute" to the old serials, instead of a real porn film as was originally intended.

Remember how I said that some of the special effects are very good? Well, turns out that a then-unknown Dennis Muren, who would later become the lead man at ILM and win academy awards for Star Wars, E.T., Terminator 2, Jurassic Park, you name it, worked on this film (and had such a bad experience he didn't want his name on it). Since there were only two other films that year that HAD special effects, this one was almost nominated for an Oscar—but the Academy decided not to have the category that year instead of even considering this film.

The film itself I worth seeing, at least for a quick fast-forward, but if you're interested in the behind-the-scenes of low-budget and porn film-making, but the commentary here is one of the most interesting stories of low-budget film-making you'll ever hear.

--- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

Get Christie Love! (1974–1975)

Tacky Lady

[10 April 2006]

This is a fairly tepid slice of blaxploitation that is apparently the pilot of a short lived TV series. I didn't know that at the time, but it makes a lot of sense now. It concerns the typically foxy, feisty black woman who, this time, is a cop. There is a small point of interest in that, because this was on television, it was probably required that she be a cop, that is, on the side of official "decency," as opposed to being a street vigilante or average woman moved to take the law into her own hands. But be aware that that point of interest is not actually IN the movie.

This movie does stand out a little bit because it was based on a novel, and as such it actually has characters, an attempt at a subtext, and a somewhat decent story. Christie is a big-haired detective who portrays prostitutes in order to bring killers to justice. In her first confrontation, she seems terrified, and goes on a long time begging for her life before she finally karate-chops the guys' ass. Well, why did she wait so long? There is also a small point of scandal when a john she refuses calls her "ni--r," and she retorts: "Ni--r lover." And this was on TV!

Eventually the story proper starts, and Christie is deployed to get close to Helena, the girlfriend of a wanted drug dealer. There is a lot of subtext given lip service about how Christie and Helena share similar backgrounds and "are the same person," but it is not developed at all. But Christie's character is surprisingly developed; she's very bold and sassy, very in-your-face in a somewhat friendly way (like Kojak), and she has style.

In the utter high point of the film, Christie breaks into Helena's apartment to look around. She looks around at the décor, and says "Tacky." She goes upstairs, and next to the bed are six buttons, each of which plays a different kind of music (presumably for accompaniment to sex). At the third selection, a Mantovani-type orchestral thing, Christie wrinkles her nose and says "Oh! Tacky. Tacky lady."

There are a few other points of mild amusement:

The first time Helena is introduced, she is wearing a ridiculously HUGE hat that is supposed to be 'chic.' Christie's boss (who is incessantly coming on to her) takes her to this hideous restaurant, which Christie refers to as a "fancy bistro." That's about it.

There is a fairly decent "twist," again showing that this story came from a novel, but then they just go catch the bad guy, who doesn't put up any kind of fight, and the movie ends. In the last scene, Christie, feeling good from nailing the bad guy, agrees to sleep with her boss. The end.

--- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

The Fly II (1989)

take out the quality, leave in the FUN

[8/10 · 10 April 2006]

For a long time (before I consciously started pursuing bad movies) this was one of my favorite guilty pleasures. It takes the most basic ideas from the first film and finds something reasonably fun to do with them, and sustains a goofy light horror tone throughout. It's like a remix of a favorite song… it's not going to be as good, but it's composed of elements you like and it'll probably be a little more upbeat.

The movie opens with a woman who is not Geena Davis giving birth to a pupa, not too unlike the dream in the first film. They open the pupa and there's a baby inside. He turns out to be super smart and grows super fast, so by the time he's five he's Eric Stoltz. He's being kept as a science experiment by the company barely mentioned in the first film. He is given the task of figuring out how to work the pods from the first film, and falls in love with the nightmare of Daphne Zuniga. Actually, she's not such a nightmare, it's just that she's one of those people whose very existence exudes "80s." And her name, too. Anyway, soon Eric finds out that the company is made up of bad people and a mean security guard, so he runs away right about the time he is suddenly transforming into a big mutant fly, then he goes about getting gory revenge.

This movie carries over a lot of the intrigue of the first film, like the telepods and all the "issues" surrounding them, which I find endlessly fascinating, the whole mystery of figuring out how they actually work, and the final "answer" at the end, which was an extension of an idea from the first film. This movie loses all the questions of morality and sexuality and love and everything from the first film and in its place supplies a fun 80s sci-fi spookathon. And I have no problem with that. And for a film that features only one character from the first film (in a greatly reduced role) I thought they did a nice job of developing the ideas from the first film, rather than just coming up with something entirely new altogether.

I also like how the movie replaces the tragic romance tone of the first with an 80s teen movie tone that carries the first three-quarters. Then it turns into an extremely gory thriller thing wherein a guy gets his entire head squished like a watermelon, among other highlights. Fun! Making this a win-win situation all around, this film comes complete with the original remake by David Cronenberg, still a masterpiece, on one essential DVD!!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! Stop reading and buy it now! It includes trailers for both original (50s) Fly films, the remake and sequel, and things like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and Fantastic Voyage. Someone up there likes us.

--- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies. You can get the url from my email address above...

For a Lost Soldier (1992)

I didn't really feel it

[6/10 · 10 April 2006]

I had seen this movie about 10 years ago, and it didn't make that much of an impression, despite its subject matter. But I thought it might be ripe for re-viewing, so I watched it again last night. And it still didn't make much of an impression.

Jeroen Krabbé (best known in the U.S. as the villain from The Fugitive) plays a choreographer who is overseeing rehearsals of a work of his, about "freedom." He gives his dancers vague directions that they can't really follow, and shows them videotapes of the Netherlands' liberation from the Nazis, and his dancers obviously just want him to shut up. So he returns to the Netherlands to recharge his creativity, and the majority of the movie is his flashback to his childhood.

12-year-old Jeroen (also the character's name in the movie) is shipped off from Amsterdam to the Netherlands in order to escape the Nazis. He arrives at the house of this Dutch family (who really do wear wooden shoes), led by the hhhhhhhhhhhandsome Hait, who very unobtrusively makes Jeroen welcome in his home.

So there's some adolescent shenanigans, then the liberation happens and some Canadian soldiers come into town to stay for a bit. One of them, Walt, takes an immediate shine to Jeroen, and pursues him pretty relentlessly. Their friendship grows, and I don't know, maybe I'm just way too outwardly gay, but the stepfather was warning Jeroen that "we don't do that sort of thing here" before it even seemed to me like anything had HAPPENED. But soon enough they are tastefully romping in bed together, and laying quietly together as Jeroen protests at being called a baby. "No," says Walt, "I just meant that you're my baby." Anyway, it goes on, and once it's over, we see that the adult Jeroen has somehow used his perusing of these memories to improve his choreography and the attitude of his dancers—though their work still looks really banal to me.

I just didn't feel it. As a homo with a big-time Daddy complex, I expected to be much more moved, or even involved, in the story. But the whole thing stayed at a distance. I never felt the love that developed between the characters, or the admiration or awe that Jeroen had for Walt—as I said, it looked to me like they were just good friends, when the people in the film knew exactly what was going on. I suspect this happened because the filmmakers were so worried about keeping the whole thing tasteful—which they do—that the deeper emotions that might have stirred up more troubling moral issues were flattened out. On the other hand, they do succeed in portraying Walt as somewhat predatory without making him a monster or creepy molester, and at portraying Jeroen's budding homosexuality, as well as his lack of comprehension of what's really going on between him and Walt.

-- Hey, check out Cinema de Merde, my website devoted to bad and cheesy movies (with a big subsection on gay films). You can get the url from my email address above...

Yilmayan Seytan (1972)

Turkish action sold by the yard

[6/10 · 17 March 2006]

I saw something in the NYTimes' new DVDs section about this, one of what was apparently a vast number of Turkish grindhouse movies, and of course was interested. There is an opening crawl on the disc that says that at the time of this film, Turkey was pumping out about 3,000 films a year, but very few of them survive. And once you watch it, the whole thing is so disposable, it's amazing any of them survived at all.

This is a super-low budget crime thing where the action literally never lets up. This is not necessarily a good thing. Someone will be struggling with something, and the second that's over guys with guns appear and they fight, and the second that's over one of them has to get in a car and have a chase, but then the car is leaking gasoline… etc. It takes a few minutes to set up, and then it just keeps going. I was completely exhausted after 30 minutes… and there were 60 left to go.

Anyway, what story there is concerns the nefarious Dr. Satan, who is up to something or other, but you can be sure it's evil, whatever it is. Then this guy whose father was just killed is given this glittery gold-colored Mexican wrestling mask and asked to wear it and fight crime, which he does, taking on the name of "Copperhead." The amusement comes from just how incompetently made this is. This is remarkably like "Hell of the Living Dead" that in the way that just how very stupid it is makes you start giggling. For me, like I said, the giggling ended 30 minutes in, but if you had friends and booze with you, I'm sure you could make it through the whole thing (and please be aware that there's a whole other movie on the disc). The whole tone here is very much like that of the movies and TV shows being parodied in that one famous Beastie Boys video, except that it takes place in Turkey (which of course adds its own appeal}.

Some of the hilariously inept touches include two guys having a fight in a small room, then one of them punches the other and suddenly they're outside. At one point "the professor" is riding a train and, for no reason, suddenly says: "Maybe we should shut that window." How unfortunate that this happens one second before the villains pump gas into the car. Please don't miss the security camera footage that seems to have its own director, cinematographer, and editor. And then there's just the everyday hilarity of scenes that just suddenly end after delivering no information, making ludicrous non-sequiters with the scene that follows. What else? The music that just starts and ends or abruptly changes mid-scene. The sound effects that make it sound like a hurricane is going on during each fight, with barely any attempt made to match the smacking sounds with the hitting of opponents. I also enjoyed the fact that when three rather hot hit men show up to do some evil or other, they're all wearing tacky suits and obviously have dildoes stuffed down their pants.

But even that's not enough to sustain viewer interest (plus I was really tired), and so I ended up fast forwarding from 30 min to 90 min, just to see if there was some earthquake or tribute to the French New Wave or ballet sequence or something notable I would have missed otherwise. I report with regret and relief that there was not. It just continues on the way it had, making it an excellent visual wallpaper if you have a party or whatever.

Anyway, it was definitely good fun while it lasted, and I don't feel like I missed anything by skipping 2/3rds of it.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde. Find the URL in my email address above.

Equilibrium (2002)

Interesting sci-fi ideas with no place to go

[5/10 · 17 March 2006]

Equilibrium is the result of putting 1984, Brave New World, The Matrix, Logan's Run, THX-1138 and Blade Runner in the cinematic blender and hitting "puree." Bale plays a Cleric, kind of a policeman/killing machine who exists in a world where emotion has been outlawed. Instead, everyone takes "Prozium" (sounds like…?), a drug that suppresses mood. When Bale finds himself experiencing emotion, I mean true, genuine human emotion for God's sake, he just can't get enough.

Bale gives more than this film deserves, and does a nice job with a tricky part… he has to act as though he is experiencing emotion for the first time, which means doing things like staring at a sunrise with awe, not to mention sniffing flowers as though transported by their sweet simple aroma, which is hard to pull of convincingly. He also has to express the anxiety of trying to pass in an emotionless society constantly on the lookout for "sense offenders;" those who feel.

Which leads to one of the aspects of the movie I liked; that it takes time to include little set pieces that delineate the future society or Bale's experiences. One of the most effective shows Bale, who hasn't taken his prozium dose for a day, walking in a crowd and looking at the other people with a newfound curiosity. During this sequence the sound goes down to only include the sound of the crowd's synchronized feet marching. There is a graceful moment as Bale feels a railing where a woman he was watching had just touched. There were also moments of well-handled exposition describing the future society, and I always like movies that stop everything to include a little set sequence.

The problem is that there's too many ideas to fit into one little 107-minuite movie, especially when you need to cram a final battle and a triumphant destruction of the repressive society into there. This is one movie I thought they could have successfully used as the beginning of a trilogy, by just slowing it down and taking the time to explore a lot of the intriguing and convincing paranoia of the story, as well as the impact learning to feel has on Bale, and what he's going to do about that. As it is, this is a film that proves the "First 2/3rds" rule, though in this case it's really only the first third that's interesting, as that's where all the ideas and exposition about the future is. The second third is rather empty drawing-out of the drama, and the last third is the overblown/underrealized climax.

That second third becomes a problem, as you begin to feel like scenes are just being extended pointlessly, and not only that, but that you've seen the same scene before—in this movie. How many more times can we watch Bale marvel at the true emotion that he's feeling, then have to conceal it and pretend that he's still supporting the Party? How many times can we think that he's finally been caught THIS time, only to have him wriggle out? And by the way, how blind does the ruling party have to be not to see that Bale is a bonafide sense-offending whackathon? And how realistically brazen can Bale be, knowing what he knows about how sense offenders are treated? I was making deft use of my fast-forward button a lot during the middle. This film has the odd distinction of having too many ideas to deal with properly and yet using large portions of the film to senselessly repeat the same scenes again and again.

One thing you have to admire about this film is that it makes an honest attempt to create a new style of fighting, which is that the Clerics have been trained to anticipate the most common bullet trajectories and avoid them (though how standing in one place and not moving helps, I'm unclear on), and also where their adversaries most commonly are. This works as long as you don't think about it too much, but even that begins to show strain when the government knows that Bale is a baddie, and is a trained killing machine, yet don't bring out any equally-trained Clerics to fight him, just more bullet fodder.

Then, at the end, it turns out that Big Brother, er, I mean Father, is an ass-kicking future ninja in his own right. Can you imagine if you made it into the White House only to find that Bush and Rumsfeld have mad Kung Fu chops? Bale and Father engage in a unique brand of fighting with blazing guns in hand, which, the longer it lasts, begins to look like some new kind of aggressive combo vogueing.

Events grow more ridiculous toward the end, until all viewer interest is gone and you're just waiting for it to end. But please note the shot of the cute puppy licking the girl's hand at the end. I was wondering where they were going to insert the shot reassuring the audience that the adorable puppy we saw earlier was in fact NOT shot. You can kill all the people you want, but kill a puppy, that's crossing the line. You've got to have some moral values.

In retrospect, I think the movie would have been stronger had it left Bale at the halfway point and started to follow the puppy, turning into "Beethoven's Dystopian Adventure!"

The Fan (1981)

He's a killer queeEEEN!

[4/10 · 17 March 2006]

I remember this movie being out when it was originally released, I remember thinking it looked pretty cool, and I remember what terrible reviews it got. Then I read the hilarious review which said that the dangerous killer is akin to Waylon Flowers, and what can I say, obviously after that I had to see it, and see it NOW. Then add the boozy, washed-up, chain-smoking actress aspects and the backstage Broadway milieu, and you've got a WINNER. Or at least you'd think you would, if the movie didn't just get so darned boring.

The movie begins with an excellent opening credits sequence which tracks in extreme close-up around the fan's desk as we hear another wonderful Bernard Herrmann-esquire score from Pino Donaggio, underlaying a typical letter from the fan in question, Douglas Breen. Douglas is a show queen who works in a record store and idolizes Sally Ross, a former screen actress, now on Broadway. He's blond and pent-up, but not as pent-up as it he would have been if the script were well-written, or if this was a decent performance.

Lauren Bacall plays Lauren Bacall, only she's called Sally Ross, which leads to snickers every time she's called "Miss Ross," because, well, we all know who MISS ROSS is. Poor Lauren has fallen prey to the ravages of time, and her face seems to hang about three inches below her skull. Nevertheless, it was nice to see an older woman who hadn't been facelifted to death. Anyway, she drinks like a fish, smokes like a fiend, and is every bit the haughty, imperious, not-qualified-to-be-anything-but-haughty-and-imperious actress you'd hope she would be. Her secretary, played by Maureen Stapleton, is the one who actually receives and answers the mail, and so Mr. Breen's letters all end up with her at first. The letters start in a fairly off-the-wall way, so there's not far for them to go, and it's not long before Douglas is imagining a tepid affair between Sally and he, insinuating that Maureen is a lesbian, and Maureen is telling him to cut it out, which leads to a massive bitch-off between Lauren and Maureen that may be the highlight of the entire film… if you like massive bitch-offs. Afterward, Maureen retreats into her familiar attitude of passive-aggression, and Lauren goes on with the haughty and imperious routine.

As a special treat, there are several musical sequences, as Lauren is practicing to star in the most boringly-named musical ever ("Never Say Never"). This brings us into the backstage world of Broadway, which is always fun, though the movie never lets us get through one or two lines of the songs before they cut away (probably because they're saving the full version for the performance at the end, though even then we don't get to see it all). Please don't miss the guy slapping the other guy on the ass.

...spoilers, including reveal of ending, from here on out Blah, blah, blah. I forget who gets killed first. I think Maureen gets attacked, then some nameless assistant gets disemboweled, then Douglas comes and trashes Lauren's apartment—-though you'll note that it's all perfectly back to normal by the next scene. The rich have different housekeepers than you or me. You'll notice how long and dull the stalkings are. The word on the street is that since Friday the 13th came out while this was filming, that the producers went back and added a bunch of "gore," if the equivalent of one 6-ounce tube of fake blood is what you call "gore." Apparently Lauren saw it and was appalled and refused to promote the movie. Anyway, for my money, not much blood, which by this time could have livened things up.

Also better-sounding than it actually is would be the much-vaunted trip to the GAY BAR (the "Haymarket") in which almost no one seems to be speaking to each other--I mean, even less than in real bars. Douglas picks up a young man without a word, and they go up to the roof, where the man takes care of Doug until Doug slits his throat and sets him on fire. Sounds exciting? It isn't.

So Lauren's big musical opens and we get to see a few almost-full numbers which are always a delight, especially these tacky 80s ones. I was curious that Douglas only shows up for the last song, which, if he's such a big fan… and no one knows what he looks like… but whatever. So the theater backstage EMPTIES out in a flash (as IF they're going to leave the big star of a Broadway musical alone in a theater but for two people), and Douglas breaks in and kills the other two (in one of those one-knife-jab-to-the-gut-and-they're-DEAD movie killings), then comes after Lauren. She chooses to arm herself with a RIDING CROP (akin to the scene in Scary Movie where Carmen Electra eyes a table of butcher knives and chooses the banana), and eventually the killer falls.

Now, please note that Lauren stabbed the guy at the very front of the seats, but when we see him later, he is propped up for "chilling" effect in seats a little further back, as though he's watching a show (so eerie). Which would mean that Lauren would have had to drag his dead body back to that seat and arrange him just so. But you know drama queens.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

Enemy Mine (1985)

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony

[2/10 · 17 March 2006]

I had seen this movie when it came out (I was 13), and thought it was totally awesome and extremely thought-provoking. And I love cheesy sci-fi of all varieties, so I thought I'd revisit it. And how I suffered as a result.

Now we all know that people are the same wherever you go. There is good and bad in everyone. And as we learn to live, we learn to give each other what we need to survive, together ali-hi-hive. Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony side by side on my piano keyboard. Oh Lord, why can't we? These are the questions I was forced to ask myself as I watched Enemy Mine. In the movie there's the humans and the Dracs, and they're at war because the Dracs have asserted "squatters rights" to parts of the universe they have taken over. Uh, squatters rights? Is this the way to start a racially-sensitive drama? Why not say that they're tooling around the universe in galactic Cadillacs at the human's expense? Regardless, we start off with a tepid space battle in which Drac ships seem to be just passing through (they all just fly straight, barely acknowledging the enemy), and no one shoots without immediately hitting its target. Anyway, through Dennis' psychotic obsession with killing the Drac that killed his friend, he crashes on a rocky planet, along with a Drac ship. Dennis soon enough finds the ship, is captured by the Drac, and they are forced to coexist. Soon enough they're learning each other's language and hunting together and shootin' the shizz around the campfire.

Around this time I was thunderstruck by a sudden thought: "Wait a minute!" I said, "Could this entire thing be seen as a metaphor for racial relations right here on Earth? A metaphor seemingly conceived of by a sensitive sixth-grader?" Imagine my shock and awe to discover that INDEED it is.

Some may be moved by this. I found it unendurably tedious. The whole thing is handled at such a middle school "racism is wrong" level that it just made me want to puke. It would be one thing if the script could come up with something decent for these people to say or a situation that we haven't seen 300 times before, but that is not to be. You can write the script yourself just from what I've told you so far, and it would go: Scenes of them fighting, scene in which one saves the other's life, the first word of common language, blabbing by the fire, a fight (based on their love for each other!), etc. It was all so banal I was really clawing my eyeballs out.

Halfway through there's a turn in the storyline, welcome but equally cloying, leading to an annoying resolution in which a giant step for intergalactic racial relations is made. It's so beautiful.

Dennis Quaid is terrible, but he has the most painfully phony dialogue to work with. Lou Gossett actually manages to bring some dignity to his role. The score by Maurice Jarre is about fifteen miles over the top with its old-time adventure themes and wholesome family drama motifs. And then you think—this was directed by Wolfgang Peterson! The guy who rocked us with Das Boot, and still somehow retains some cachet, has been turning out "premium" garbage like this ever since, hasn't he? Troy? The Perfect Storm? And I just saw a preview for his remake of The Poseidon Adventure. How is it he is somehow lumped with Ridley Scott as a director who delivers interesting films? Anyway, I hated every minute of it. I guess it is to be applauded by essentially setting an intimate drama in a sci-fi setting, but… so what? You're gonna have to write it at above an sixth-grade level for it to work.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

The Dying Gaul (I) (2005)

There's poison in the garden

[8/10 · 17 March 2006]

From Craig Lucas, who brought us Longtime Companion and Prelude to a Kiss, comes this movie, which is much darker in tone and much more challenging as a film than either of those. Peter Sargaard stars as a gay screenwriter who has just sold his script, called The Dying Gaul. It tells the story of his lover's death from AIDS, and is based around a metaphor related to the famous Roman sculpture of the title. The thing about the sculpture is that it sensitively depicts a dying soldier of the enemy's army, and so is normally taken to represent the ability to have empathy for one's enemy. Keep this in mind kids, it wasn't chosen by accident.

So Jeffery, the producer who buys the script, played by Campbell Scott, makes a condition of the sale that Robert change the dying character to a woman, as "everyone hates gays," and "people don't come to movies to feel bad or to learn, you have to lure them in and then deliver a lesson." These, also, are notes to keep in mind. At first Robert refuses, but he is offered a million dollars, and he needs that money. He intends to use part of it for the education of his son, who he had when married to a woman. We later find out that his lover who died was the brother of his former wife, which carefully hints at Robert's shifty morals. And, like many people with malleable morals, Robert professes to be a Buddhist.

Soon we are introduced to Jeffery's wife Elaine, played by Patricia Clarkson. She is shown, several times, in a white bikini (who knew she had such a slender, lithe body?). You will note that she is the only one who's body is exposed and sexually available, yet it soon becomes clear that no one, least of all her husband, is interested. This leads to the kind of sad isolation and bitter resentment you might expect.

Soon Robert is introduced to Elaine, when they go a screening of one of Jeffery's movies. Elaine positions herself as a confidant to Robert, one who understands how he feels and stands for his principles (she was formerly a screenwriter herself). She elicits from him that one of the ways he dulls the pain of being bereft by his lover's death is by perusing chatrooms, and she gets the name of his favorite one.

...Spoilers from here on out! Meanwhile, Jeffery is coming on hard to Robert, and we find out later that Robert has given in. Later the night of the screening, Elaine invents a name and finds Robert in the chatroom. She asks if he's seeing anyone, and it's revealed to her that he is--her husband! Clarkson's performance in this scene, and really all throughout the movie, is superb.

Driven by a complex web of emotions that are at once well-drawn and yet never spelled out, Elaine invents a new screen name, "ArckAngel," and writes Robert, claiming to be his dead lover. This sends Robert into an emotional spin of renewed grief and guilt, both at changing his screenplay and having the affair with Jeffery. Elaine continues as Robert's friend and confidant, and the whole mess starts getting more taut, more sordid, and more ugly. The ending came as a surprise to me, but one that will leave you with a lot to think about and piece back together.

So let's get back to the theme of empathy for one's enemy. Elaine definitely gets to understand Robert's pain, though she is resistant to feeling it because of her own situation. Robert comes to gain a clear understanding of Elaine's heartache, though again he has his own reasons for not letting himself be moved by it. At the end I believe we are supposed to gain an understanding of Jeffery's situation, but I'm not quite sure it works. The final image of the movie is Jeffery mimicking the posture of The Dying Gaul. It's good and it works in a structural way, but I'm still unsure whether it works emotionally. My friend and I had a long discussion over dinner about whether it was an accomplishment or a failure of the film that neither of us were moved by the character's predicaments. I felt for each of the character's, yet they are all so morally flawed that it is difficult to truly feel empathy for them, which keeps the movie on an emotionally distant, cerebral level. Again, is this purposeful? Neither me nor my friend could tell for sure.

The structure and metaphorical significance of the story will give you a lot to think about after the film is over. It's unusual for a film to be so well-thought out and interesting on so many levels these days, and it seems to be one of the best entries in the field of gay films, which finally seems to be heading away from coming-out stories and tales of pretty twits into more serious fare. I'm not sure it all works in the end, but the depth of the characters, the interesting and well-thought-out writing and structure, and the excellent performances all make this definitely one worth watching.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

Dressed to Kill (1980)

Longer on technique than story

[8/10 · 17 March 2006]

De Palma's technique had hit its high maturity by the time of this film, which is a wonderful showcase of his classic techniques, though unfortunately, as with many of the films written by De Palma himself, the story serves the meta more than the interests of putting forth an emotionally compelling tale.

The story opens with a CRAZY scene in which Angie Dickinson masturbates in a shower while she looks at her husband. She is then grabbed and raped while he husband stands obliviously near—-and the whole thing is revealed to be Angie's fantasy as he husband is pumping mindlessly away at her in bed. She has a short scene with her son, a dead ringer for Harry Potter, which concludes with a joke that "she'll tell grandma that he is playing with his peter." She then goes to her therapy session, where she complains about her dead marriage, before attempting to seduce her therapist, Michael Caine. He refuses, and she is hurt and feeling unattractive and unfulfilled.

Then begins a bravura 22-minute nearly wordless sequence that is perhaps the highlight of the film. Among the many things De Palma gleaned from Hitchcock is the understanding of film as a purely visual medium of telling stories… and in typical De Palma fashion, he turns this into a way to show off his formidable skill. The problem, for me, is that in this instance one begins to feel that scenes are being needlessly protracted simply to further show off the director's skill.

The sequence begins with Angie at an art museum. She watches strangers, all involved in sexual or family activities, then begins to get turned on to a man sitting next to her. De Palma very skillfully tells an extremely complicated narrative without a single word about Angie's attraction, embarrassment, retreating, and finally finding and submitting to the stranger in the back of a taxi cab, all set to a wonderfully lush score by Pino Donaggio, who also scored Carrie.

In the second part of the sequence Angie has slept with the guy, and gets up to return to her husband. Again De Palma crams a ton of narrative in without a word of dialogue uttered, as Angie realizes that she doesn't have her panties, that her husband is already home and no doubt wondering where she is, that she has probably contracted a venereal disease, and that she has lost her engagement ring somewhere in the shuffle. It's all very admirable, but one begins to feel a little strung along as we are forced to do things like take a long elevator ride down from the seventh floor, then up again, almost in real time.

...Spoilers from here on out! When Angie reaches the seventh floor again, she is killed by a big woman with blond hair. The woman hacks away at her until she reaches the ground floor, when the door opens and Nancy Allen sees her there. There is a wonderful slow-motion sequence as Nancy reaches into the elevator, Angie reaches up toward her, and the killer's blade is held poised to slash Nancy's hands. Then follow some electrifying shots as Nancy looks up and sees the killer in the elevators convex mirror. It's all good, and by the time we have some dialogue again, you think; "Woah, that was just 22 straight minutes of purely visual narrative!" Or maybe you don't, but I do.

A younger Dennis Franz has a great part as a sleazy and tough New York detective who would rather that everyone else do his work for him. He Interviews Michael Caine, making the outrageous implication (though it passes as commonplace) that Angie WANTED to be killed. Angie's son is there as well, and he hooks up with Nancy, and they set about to spy on Caine's therapist and find out who the killer is.

Once again there is a strong tie to a Hitchcock film, in this case Psycho (just as Obsession is a re-working of Vertigo). You have a woman who we are supposed to understand is secretly a slut, who gets killed in the first 30 minutes in an enclosed space, in this case an elevator rather than a shower. Then the relatives of the deceased conduct an investigation, which reveals that the killer is a man who dresses as a woman to kill. De Palma even throws in a doctor at the end who explains the psychology of the whole thing.

It is very interesting, but at the same time a viewer can begin to feel a bit jerked around, and that is my primary reservation about this film. It is definitely essential viewing and showcases some of De Palma's greatest setpieces, but that feeling that the story is running a solid third behind the need for De Palma to show off and his somewhat unseemly sexual fantasies makes it hard to look back on this one with whole-hearted affection.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973 TV Movie)

But do be afraid of revisiting cheesy TV movies that scared you when you were seven.

[2/10 · 17 March 2006]

This movie seemed to be almost constantly when I was around seven, and at the time I remember it being totally scary and engrossing. My sister remains freaked out about the little veiny-headed people to this day, so, being the evil little brother that I am, I hunted down a copy to give to her for Christmas, and watched it first.

The story is that the hideous Kim Darby, in a hairdo seemingly accomplished by swirlie, has inherited this gorgeous house from her grandmother. Her husband, Jim Hutton, sees all the beautiful windows and space and pool out back and all—and would rather live in an apartment in a high-rise. Throughout the movie, there is all this talk about how much work the house needs, saying at one point that a dinner party there will be like "eating in the subway," when all of this is utterly belied by the house itself, which is spectacular. Sure, it's decorated with a comprehensive cross-section of everything wrong with the 70s, but the house itself is a stunner. We later keep hearing about how the couple has "done so much work" on the house, thought we never see ANY evidence of this throughout the movie.

Anyway, Kim wants to make a study out of this, well, study in the basement, which features a big fireplace that has been bricked up and bolted closed. The handyman keeps telling her that she'd better not open it if she knows what's good for her, but won't explain why. Naturally, she opens it, and soon enough we're hearing little voices saying "We're free! We're free! She set us free!"

One thing apparent from the start is that Kim's husband is a major jerk. This little time capsule comes from the period in which men thought nothing of telling their wives that they are psychotic rather than even making the slightest attempt to hear what they have to say. Jim is also a bitch to Kim throughout, throwing constant attitude at her and caring about nothing but his job and reputation. There is a little bit of "topicality" in that Kim feels like he's going to only be worried about his job for the rest of their marriage, but it seems to me that their problems run far deeper than that.

So soon enough strange things start happening, caused, we soon find out, by this race of foot-high men in gorilla suits with strange veiny-headed masks on. For some reason they want Kim. Please don't put too much stock in getting an explanation for this phenomena—-ever—-as one never comes. You're like, is it witchcraft? Aliens? Ancient Indian burial ground? Ancient Chinese secret? And nothing ever comes. The little ape-men, always accompanied by an inexplicable and wholly ludicrous green light, creep out and cause havoc in the household at regular intervals.

After a few brushes with her furry friends, Kim is understandably freaked out and skittish (while her husband, with increasing annoyance, considers her a lunatic—who knew husbands were so eager to consider their wives plumb nuts?), which makes it surprising that she doesn't seem phased in the least when, at the height of her nervousness, the lights in the bathroom go out while she's taking a shower. Kim just showers away, taking no heed. I guess she just really, really had to get that crème rinse out.

Spoilers ahead! The attacks increase, with a corresponding drop in viewer interest. But they do at least offer the meager fun of seeing guys cavort around sets made of giant books and stairways designed to make them look small. During all this time, Kim never thinks of just leaving the house. You know, they DO have hotels, Kim. She is supposedly going to spend the night at a friend's house, though the friend never shows up and no one seems to think that's strange. The fools also, though by now it's obvious that the little men are afraid of the light, never turn on the lights. In addition to never considering just bolting up the chimney again during the day, while the little men are sleeping, which is the only method that obviously worked in the past. Idiots.

So it all builds toward a fateful evening—-after the bearded decorator is killed—-in which Kim is drugged by the little beasties. Her friend, Geraldine Ferraro, finally believes her, but still has no problem leaving her alone (while drugged!) to make phone calls and creep around outside. Her husband, now starting to believe her a little bit, leaves her in the house to go have a chat with the handyman. No one considers just taking her out of the house, which destroys any minor scares this thing may have generated on the weak-minded.

The whole thing has the air of the script being written way before the film was shot, and of no one caring enough to go back and adjust it. The biggest example of this is all the talk about the house being a wreck, when it's clearly ready for Architectural Digest, and there are other little instances where someone will talk abut something that never happened or whatever. Nevertheless, little creepy guys skulking around in corners does manage to offer a few chills. Someone could remake this movie and have a B-feature on their hands. Too bad such little effort was put into this version.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

Dolemite (1975)

Dolemite is his name

[8/10 · 17 March 2006]

A blaxploitation classic, this movie was terribly influential in rap music for the "toasts" that Rudy Ray Moore performs. Toasts are long rhyming stories that are funny and deliver a point, and you can see how they would naturally evolve into rap. For more on toasts, Rudy Ray Moore, and why this movie is important, go to Dolemite.com.

Which leaves us just to talk about the movie itself. This movie packs in a great deal of "laugh-at-the-funny-outfits-and-hairstyles" bang for the buck, as nearly every shot has some sort of outrageous element or dialogue. It starts as Dolemite is being released from prison in order to find out who framed him and bring him to justice. I was unaware that prisons release people so they can prove their own innocence, but that's me, I'm a neophyte in the prison scene. He is helped in this by Queen Bee, who is Dolemite's lead prostitute and has been running his brothel while he's been gone. She has also put all of his prostitutes through karate school, so now he has an army of female karate fighters.

I watched this movie in two parts, which is usually a mistake, but in this case it provided an interesting contrast. The first part I watched on my lunch break while exercising, and wasn't enjoying it much at all. It struck me as particularly poorly made blaxploitation, with a ludicrous story, shoddy craftsmanship—well, I guess that makes it sound like it had SOME craftsmanship—and tons of outrageous locales, outfits and dialogue. But I wasn't enjoying that—in fact, it kind of made me feel dirty. Let's face it, a white guy watching something like this to laugh at the outfits and the things the characters say is essentially getting an enjoyment out of it that is racist: how ridiculously those black people dress, what silly things they say. I wasn't really enjoying it, wasn't laughing, and wasn't looking forward to watching the rest.

Later that night, when I was in a "much more relaxed state," I watched the rest—and legitimately loved it. Like Disco Godfather, which I had watched a few days previously, this has a warmth and sweetness at its core that makes it likable even when it's silly or violent. The character of Dolemite has an element of self-parody about him that makes the whole thing fun, and the appearance of several actors who were also in Disco Godfather implies that we're watching the group effort of a bunch of friends who just want to make something fun together. Even the poor dubbing, karate fights, and everything else just makes it that much more charming.

What I find interesting about the Dolemite films is that they have some moral ambiguity I don't see in other blaxploitation films, and certainly in very few mainstream films. In this one, there is an African-American woman who gives a speech about the (white) Mayor, saying "he has done more for the black community than anyone." We later find out that the Mayor is, surprise, corrupt, but I like that the movie would present this woman as essentially misguided and not try to "redeem" her in some other way. There's also the figure of the Hamburger Pimp, who is presented as a useless junkie, and no one makes an effort to find some redeeming, socially positive angle to what he is, he just is. In Disco Godfather the religious character Lady Reed plays is presented as just nuts for wanting to pray for her child, hopelessly lost to angel dust. I like that the films would present such harshly critical portrayals of people in their own community without sugar-coating or trying to redeem them to make them more palatable.

There are a lot of hootworthy elements, such as when Dolemite says "Move over and let me pass, or I'm gonna be pulling these Hush Puppies out your muthatf** a**." There is Queen Bee reaching over and answering the phone: "Dolemite's Total Experience." And you will not be able to miss (though you may wish to cover your eyes) the extended nude scene by the REPULSIVE Mayor. I am all for mustachioed pervy older men, but even I have limits—-and my limits are usually a few miles past most people's, so be warned. The DVD I had is clearly edited, which is noticeable in certain of the dialogue scenes, and at the end, when Dolemite's killing of a major character with his bare hands obviously excludes the main event.

If you do get the DVD, however, be sure to watch all three trailers for the Dolemite films, as they are a hoot. I wasn't going to watch The Human Tornado, but after seeing that trailer, you'd better BELIEVE that I am. Also, there is a scene in the Dolemite trailer that I don't remember from the movie when Dolemite swings at a Mexican-looking thug, obviously misses, and the guy flips himself into a nearby car trunk.

After watching the first half, I was going to say to skip this and watch Disco Godfather, as the film-making and story has marginally improved, but after really enjoying the second half, I would advise watching this one over Disco Godfather, as this one is even more exuberantly fun, outrageous, and good-natured—and has those toasts which, even if one doesn't understand the roots and nuances of the form, are still something to see.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde, cinemademerde.com

Disco Godfather (1979)

Do you want to join the disco squad?

[8/10 · 17 March 2006]

Trust me that there is many more hootworthy elements in this film than I could ever hope to write about. There are definitely more stunningly tacky visuals than I could ever capture. This is a movie that demands to be witnessed. I had never seen a Dolemite film, though I had heard of them, and I had no idea that this was a Dolemite film when I saw it in a discount video store about a year ago. Though actually it's a Dolemite film in name only, as Rudy Ray Moore plays another character in this one—a character who swears less.

Probably the highest highlight in this film is the opening sequence, in which Disco Godfather (hereafter DG) is introduced. Everyone is grooving to the generic, repetitive, lyric-free disco music, then DG comes out in his skin-tight pale blue lycra outfit, open to his waist. He grinds obscenely for a few minutes, then makes his way to the DJ booth, where he energetically twists knobs on his console to no audible effect. He shouts rhyming Dolemitisms to the crowd, the most frequent being exhortations to "Put your weight on it!" He repeats this directive 24 times throughout the movie. I counted.

Meanwhile, DG's nephew Bucky, a promising basketball player, is lured away from his girlfriend, who is sporting this hideously bizarre hairdo in which her fro is tied off in a frizzy ponytail hanging off one side, making her head look like a comet or something. Anyway, Bucky is lured into one of the top 5 pimpmobiles of all time, where he consumes angel dust. He then comes back into the disco, where he proceeds to hallucinate. Please note that the several different characters who take angel dust all seem to have the exact same hallucination. Such is the power of angel dust, I guess.

Anyway, DG (his name is Tucker, but I prefer Disco Godfather… don't you?) inquires after what Bucky has had. Only he pronounces it "Heyad." The bizarre, declarative way in which Rudy speaks is one of the bizarre pleasures of this movie, and apparently of all the Dolemite films. Anyway, a helpful doctor tells him that Bucky has had Angel Dust, and that if DG stops by the hospital the next day he'll deliver a great deal of exposition about its effects. DG does, and we are given a tour of an asylum for angel dust users, all of whom have apparently lost their minds. One of them, we are told, roasted her baby and served it to her family.

Meanwhile, some reporter is doing a piece on Disco Godfather, and, after viewing the gyrations of his practicing dancers, is told: "As you can see, if you want to be a member of the disco squad, you have to get funky and get down." DG shows up, and diverts the focus of the article away from his nightclub and to the menace of angel dust. The reporter, not irked at all that she came to do a piece on a nightclub scene and is being sidelined into delivering the rantings of an anti-drug crusader, acts as though the fact that this one nightclub owner is against angel dust is a "scoop," gets one tepid quote them takes off, promising to put the story "on the front page." I can see the headline now: "Some nightclub owner is really, really against angel dust." Later DG exclaims: "Somebody knows I'm out to get them." Uh… could it be because you put an article about it in the paper? We are then treated to a performance of the disco skate dancers, featuring this one guy who I am basically in love with. He is a big mustachioed 70s hunk who chooses to wear a tank top with skin tight shorts which hug his quite fetching ass and showcase his ample basket as he is performing his deft skate dancing moves. I should also mention that this film contains what may be the largest amount of footage of people simply GYRATING that I have ever seen in one movie.

So anyway, then DG attends an anti-angel dust rally whose theme is "Attack the Whack." IT is supported by the all-female "Angels Against Dust," where Carol Speed is giving a speech. I can only assume that Ms. Speed, who was in Abby and The Mack, is only here (and received second billing) for her name, as she only appears in this one scene. She obviously didn't spend much time learning her lines, as she advises the group that she wants to "Whack the attack against angel dust." It's funnily realistic, as it perfectly, if unintentionally, captures the spirit of a public official who knows and cares nothing about a certain civic problem, and is on hand just to garner votes. Later, our friendly doctor says he wants to "Fight a thing that might save the lives of thousands of young people." A second later Ms. Speed is heard chanting "attack the whack" when she is obviously not speaking at all. Apparently they didn't have the budget for reshoots on this scene, as it contains the absolute most errors of any part of the movie.

And please no not miss the innovative use of animation mixed with live action to enhance certain scenes.

This movie has an essential sweetness and earnestness that, in addition to it's off-the-chart cheesiness in absolutely every way, makes it a special addition to any video collection.

--- Check out other reviews on my website of bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde. Find the URL in my email address above.

Danger: Diabolik (1968)

Brother film to Barbarella

[5/10 · 17 March 2006]

Austin Powers simply couldn't have existed without this film, an Italian production (produced by the estimable Dino De Laurentiis, who also brought us Barbarella, Amityville II: The Possession, Orca, the 1976 King Kong, and numerous other cheesy gems). With it's swingin' 60s sets, outfits and attitude, this movie (and Barbarella) is essential viewing for those curious about the origins of Austin Powers. In fact, this movie can be seen as a sort of companion piece to Barbarella, as it shares a very similar tone and look, as well as one of the stars, John Phillip Law. Yes, ladies and gentleman, it's Pygar, here without his wings and in tight black leather.

Unlike Barbarella, which comes off as far more cheesy than its makers intended, this one has its tongue firmly in cheek from the start, and never seems to lose control. Diabolik steals whatever the biggest loot around is, seemingly for the thrill of it, and the way it seems to enhance sex with his fabulous girlfriend Eva. They enjoy having sex on a spinning round bed with 10 million dollars in cash splayed all over it. I suppose I would, too, if anyone were ever to ask. They never do. Anyway, they perpetrate a number of crimes, making Scotland Yard look like fools in the process, and that's pretty much the movie.

The sets and costumes are--there's no other word--fabulous. And what really makes this movie fun is how freely the director will just stop everything to show how cool a set is, how outrageous an outfit is, whatever. He really shows how fun it would be to be Diabolik, and Diabolik himself seems to really enjoy what he does, which makes the film enjoyable for everyone.

The DVD for this film includes a Beastie Boys video that cleverly interweaves shots from the film with the boys playing Diabolik and various others, which is all based on a sequence from the film. There's also a documentary, which I didn't watch. Amazingly, the trailer gives away the very end of the movie! It's inexplicable.

Not much more to say about it. The plot is so simple you can very clearly follow it even with the movie on silent fast-forward, but the point is not so much the story as the look, clothes, and attitude. And it's got all of those in spades.

--- Check out my website on bad and cheesy movies, Cinema de Merde. Find the URL in my email address above.