Johnny B Reviews

Shark Attack 2 (2000 Video)

Crappy, fake and unoriginal

[1/10 · 28 December 2001]

It says it all. I would add to the title "an unsuccessful remake of the 'Jaws' saga where no one can act and where the sharks look like inflated balloons, literally". It's strange how movies like this tend to get made, and stranger still how people go to see them. This film is 100 percent predictable: shark attacks, shark gets caught, shark eats employee, shark escapes, shark eats some more people, shark gets killed. Ha ha ha.

The Two Orphans (1965)

Good acting and good story

[7/10 · 27 July 2001]

Even though the ending is somehow predictable, this story about two girls who grew up as sisters, are separated and finally meet again is quite well directed and performed. The script is good as well, far better than the majority of the italian-french films of the epoch. It is very enjoyable, though not really a collector's item. However I wouldn't mind to have a copy of it. The parts played by the countess and Marianna are exceptional. If ever you get the chance, watch it!

The Canterbury Tales (1972)

Offensive, but with style

[6/10 · 5 July 2001]

Having seen all of Pasolini's medieval trilogy inspired from international literature classics, I cannot but admit that this is his least inspired contribution. I don't know exactly what's wrong with the film - maybe it's the majority of the acting, or else it's the script. Naturally, having read the book beforehand helps to tell which tale is being shown, but assuming that the majority of the viewers have not read Chaucer's masterpiece, I doubt how many managed to guess what the tales are about. Still the movie has Pasolini written all over it: shockingly explicit scenes, watersports, unisex nudity galore (even senseless), sickening graphics of people vomiting and devils shitting monks, sex all over the place etc... Only for Pasolini admirers or for people who like an "uncut" interpretation of ambiguous medieval classics.

Two Nights with Cleopatra (1954)

Italian romp in ancient Egypt

[6/10 · 25 August 1999]

Okay, this movie is certainly not one of the best Italian epics of the time. However it certainly isn't either one of the horrible sword and sandal of the "Gli Schiavi piu forti del mondo" reputation. The sets and the costumes are very good, Sophia Loren is exquisite, Alberto Sordi looks bloody stupid. I did not manage to understand exactly what was going on, but still it was great fun watching it. I know there was Cleo who used to spend nights with soldiers and poison them the following morning; then one night she wanted to go and meet Mark Anthony and leaves a look alike back at the palace. A silly officer falls in love with her, mistaking her for Cleo. Cloe comes back from her night-time romp and (naturally) does not recognise the officer who swears will love her to death. Somehow someone attempts to murder the queen, but fails. I think Sordi kills the queen at the end by banging her head to a wall, but it is not clear what happens. He manages to escape with the look-alike. Understood? Anyway, Sophia Loren here is at her sexiest and funniest - she manages to make people laugh without acting silly like Sordi - it is an art in itself. Certainly not a memorable film, but still worth seeing just for kicks.

From Beyond (1986)

They're all around you!

[8/10 · 6 June 1999]

Aha! Now here's a really scary movie. I think I liked everything in this film. The story (based on H. P. Lovecraft's ghoulish novel) is original, terrible, unthinkable and credible at the same time. It makes you wonder how certain ideas get into people's brains! The movie starts off as a sci-fi thriller, but then it develops into a gruesome, disturbing first-rate horror film. The special effects - with monsters flying all about the place, biting off pieces from living persons, are convincing. The acting is just as good: Combs is the typical scientist scared by his invention; Cramption is the classic psychiatrist who will stop at nothing to learn more, (nice body by the way!), Foree gives a light sense of humour in this otherwise tense pic. The viewer is treated with some really nauseating scenes, for example the flies (or whatever they are) eating Foree alive, when IT 'rapes' Crampton and when she bites off Combs' pineal gland. Oh well, if you are looking for a saucy, horrendous film, this one is a winner!

Phantasm (1979)

What has been going on in the last 90 minutes????

[1/10 · 6 June 1999]

Oh my God! Oh my God! Please someone try to explain to me what sort of crap this is. Everything in this flick shows its ridiculously low budget and its scarce use of art. Here are some of my comments on the so-called "classic tale of terror":

• the story is impossible to follow: you get people getting killed and reappearing again later, unhurt, while others remain alive throughout and then, toward the end, you get a glimpse of their grave. Apart from that you get people being here and there, not understanding how they got there, how they got in etc.

• the main character, Mike, seems to be in a desperate need of a speech therapist;

• no one can really act (except Reggie Bannister)

• nothing really makes sense, except those spicy brain-chewing flying balls

• the Tall Man with his continuous, ever-monotonous "Boy!" is more pathetic than scary

One last note, I did not realise when it was time to start getting frightened - it is all so awfully junky. If you get scared to death by this one, (the motto says "If this doesn't scare you, you're already dead!) you've got serious problems. If this is as scary as you can get, then normal everyday life is a farce!

Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)

Superb adaptation of soapy tale

[8/10 · 7 May 1999]

Although I liked Disney's version of the Snow White tale (and still keep it as the classic example of fairy-tale screen- handling), still I was positively struck with this adaptation. Now here's the version no-one would have dreamed of ever seeing. The all-innocent victimised princess has been turned into a proud little brat who despises her step-mother from the very first time she sees her; the mean, scheming, mirror-gazing step-mother was changed into a lady doing her best to be accepted by her husband's intolerant daughter - only after miscarrying her son does she turn into the stereotype of evil; the adorable seven little dwarfs were metamorphosized into seven miners, some of whom really hate the girl. Best of all the Prince charming has been erased and the silly "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" likewise. Anyway the film is a masterpiece from beginning to end - the highlights being the spells cast by the maddened step-mother. Being a gothic horror movie, it still has some spurts of really dark humour, such as Claudia saying, "Mmmm... Delicious!" when eating the supposedly cooked Lilly; and "I have brought someone to keep you company" (to the crucifix). The on-location shooting is very adequate and the superb performances from everyone make this a movie worth watching and appreciating.

Asterix and Cleopatra (1968)

Great piece of French animation

[9/10 · 8 February 1999]

This is probably one of the best French animated films to date. It surely is the best of all Asterix movies since its story holds more together than any of the others. Its comic parts are many, but they are not ridiculous as many found in the others. On the cover of the book there was this motto: "The Greatest Story Ever Drawn". Surely it says right. Although much of the animation seems to have been inspired by 20th Century Fox's "Cleopatra" (1963), still it is full of originality. There is never a dull moment - it is entertainment from beginning to end.

Atlantis Interceptors (1983)

Bloody Violent!

[2/10 · 27 December 1998]

What is this? The storyline is somewhat vague. A bunch of men and a woman suddenly find themselves on an island where a group of weirdos pass their time killing people and hanging them about the place or else toasting them alive. Somehow (surprise!) the good ones all get killed except for two men and a woman (who falls in love with one of them!) and they kill all the bad ones. (To be sincere I particularly liked the part where they decapitate a motorist with a string of nylon). Call this entetraining? You're sick. Oh yes! By the way - Altantis is mentioned in the title because they find a relic and think it is altantean - crap. Burn it!

The Song of Bernadette (1943)

20th Century Giant

[10/10 · 25 December 1998]

Now here is one of them films which are really suitable for all: I mean regardless of age, gender and religious opinions. This is one of the films which grip you from beginning to end, and in which you are thoroughly absorbed. It is the story of one girl who fought against the world to prove herself true and who finally succeeded, even though it was not of much use to her. Jennifer Jones gives the performance of a lifetime, literally shining in every scene. Her personification of the young French saint is spotless. Surely this is one of her best roles, as the movie is one of the very best. Charles Bickford is great as the dean of Lourdes and Gladys Cooper gives a memorable performance as Sr. Marie Thérèse, not to mention the great Vincent Price as the hateful, yet intelligent Imperial Prosecutor.

The town of Lourdes is taken back to the 1850s in this faithful re-telling of the famous story of the apparitions of the Immaculate Conception way back in the last century. The plot spans a number of years, yet it never lingers. It is just breathtaking. The strong will of the feeble and simple Bernadette is the highlight throughout all of the movie.

I was very much impressed by the character of Sr. Marie Therese. From the beginning to nearly the very end she is a devil in robes of a nun, always finding something new by which to ill treat the poor Bernadette. Her character reflects a lot that of the dean, however she was more blinded by jealousy than him. But, like him, she finally finds the proof she has been always seeking - the secret of suffering in silence - and from then on (that is to say the last 7 minutes of the film) she becomes Bernadette's best friend and helper.

This movie is definitely a winner in all respects and its Oscar awards for … were all vell deserved. A must to all the lovers of good, great stories.

Evita (1996)

The first great musical movie after nearly 20 years

[8/10 · 19 December 1998]

Excellent Lloyd Webber-Rice musical is finally brought to the silver screen twenty years after the release of its concept album. Being used to watching flashy, colourful musicals, namely from MGM, full of catchy tunes and full of breathtaking dance routines, "Evita" left me quite shocked. It was the first (and last) "political" musical I saw. The music impressed me at once, however the story and the setting did not quite do so at first sight. It was only later, when I read something about the life story of Eva Peron did I really appreciate the excellent work Lloyd Webber and Rice did. Even though they were not 100% faithful to the real story, the bio-musical gave a somewhat clear picture of what type of woman Eva Peron was. The movie was great with its re-enactments of the 1940s-1950s Argentine elections, however, having personally performed in the stage version (playing a descamisado, a waiter, a policeman and one of Eva's lovers), I cannot but point out the several drawbacks it had. It is true that the funeral, the electoral campaign and the terrorism were by far better on screen than on stage, yet the stage musical had a certain charm which was lost in the film. It could be due to the fact that on stage there was some dancing involved while the movie had none; it could be because one was live and one was playback; it could be because some of the harmonies were lost in the movie; it could be simply due to the fact that in one I participated while in the other I was just a spectator. I don't know, still the stage version was more "alive". Nonetheless, in order to be fair, I have to admit that the movie version did have some improvements as regards to the play. The best one of them was the song "You Must Love Me". Apart from finally re-uniting composer and lyricist after more than 10 years of cold war, it presents the First Lady of Argentina as a woman who has some feelings, who is afraid in front of her approaching death, who is not only interested in becoming vice-president, as the stage production tends to hint. How much this is historically true is beyond me, yet it is good to give some human element to the heroine.

I was quite impressed by the actors' interpretations. Madonna has finally showed the world that she is able to look great without taking her clothes off, that she is more than just voice, boobs and scandal. Jonathan Pryce was excellent as the Argentine president - such a pity he had so little to sing, having such a great voice. Antonio Banderas impressed me - I did not know he was that good at singing. The role of the narrator was quite a breakthrough after his ‘tough-guy' parts, and he did it quite well. Some critics said that this movie would set the way for future film versions of musicals - I hope they were right!

Queen Margot (1994)

Prestige Cinema

[10/10 · 19 December 1998]

Alexandre Dumas should certainly be satisfied with this superb adaptation of his classic. The setting is excellent and it gives a wonderful image of 16th century France. Naturally the highlight of the movie is the re-enactment of the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre. The horrendous scenes of the murders in all their crudity are terrific. The actors did a wonderful job here. Isabelle Adjani is, as usual, terrific. Her nude scenes, depicting the queen's adultery, lust and incestuous affairs are acted in such a way that they are a form of art. Vincent Perez is in one of his best roles - his interpretation of La Môle is second only to his acting in "Indochine". The great Virna Lisi is simply marvellous posing as Cathérine de Médicis - no wonder she won the Best Actress Award at Cannes. She is the ambitious woman par excellence, stopping at nothing to get where she wants, not even if she has to see her sons being killed one by one and sell her daughter in a convenient marriage to unite the Catholics and the Protestants. The others, especially Asia Argento, impersonating the tragic countess Charlotte de Sauve did a good job too. A very well deserved Prix du Jury.

Topkapi (1964)

Great Comic Thriller

[9/10 · 1 November 1998]

Someone called this movie "the greatest of all thrillers." Although it is very good, it is certainly NOT the best, however it ranks with the very best. Having no great name in the directorial or production credits, it surely had to have good acting, a good script, good direction, good cinematography and a good overall supervision in order to succeed. It has them all. At the beginning, until the principals say that they are about to steal the dagger from the museum, it is a bit slow and no-one knows exactly what's going and what the thieves have in mind. However, once they start planning things, the movie starts to rush till the final bomb. Ustinov is great in his part - he never played the intellectual idiot so well. Mercouri is excellent as the voracious thief who gets excited physically by men and jewels. The rest are very good as well. The on location footage in Istanbul, with the occasional Turkish words in the background, help to give more identity to the story. The robbery sequence is exceptional. The running about on the roofs of the museum is so well done that it gave me the shivers. Later on, when Giulio is hanging upside down, stealing the dagger and placing the case back in place, the close ups and the slow movement in order not to send off the alarm made my heatbeat accelerate. The ending could not have been any better. Getting caught because of a bloody bird may seem as an anti-climax for such a great robbery, however after some thought, one realises that it could not have been otherwise in order to make the movie so good. The movie had that comic stream all the way through, so no-one would have taken a happy ending seriously - when Mercouri says that now she wants the Romanovs' jewels, one realises how fitting the ending was. It is going to start all over again. Very gripping, thrilling and funny!

Mousehunt (1997)

Awful reel.

[1/10 · 30 October 1998]

I guess it was just one of the good trailers. The latter seemed quite attractive and I was looking forward to go and watch the movie. However it was an utter disappointment. The story seems to go on forever and nothing actually happens - it's always the same old story: men try to kill mouse, think they succeed but mouse gets above their heads. Finally, obviously they make friends and open a big factory. Rubbish. Crappy. Unbelievable from beginning to end. A waste of time.

Joseph and His Brethren (1961)

Joseph's story on film

[30 October 1998]

Surely not the best biblical story put on film, however this American-Italian production is quite good. Definitely better that any film of the same genre that came out of Italy in that decade. Even though leading man Borromel is quite stiff and severe looking, still other performances, namely from Belinda Lee, cover this drawback. Much of the story is as it is found in the Bible, but a little space for love and originality is given. I remember watching this movie on an Italian channel some days before a rival channel broadcasted the latest adaptation of this story, called "Joseph". Though it is by far inferior to the Emmy award winner, still it is enjoyable.

DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp (1990)

First Duck-Tale cinema adventure

[8/10 · 27 October 1998]

Okay, it is true that the graphics of this movie are not as good as those of the 1990s Disney classics, but still, despite that it is a nice movie. The beginning, I mean the treasure hunt is typical of earlier Ducktale cartoons - adventures in some ancient land. The rest is a modernised adaptation of the story of Aladdin. It is quite gripping for kids, and adults are bound to like it too. The best thing about it, I think, is that the adventure starts away from home but it ends up at Duckberg. Fantasy plays a large role as with all Disney cartoons. Enjoyable.

Excalibur (1981)

Bloody representation of popular legend

[10/10 · 26 October 1998]

This is a great movie. From the very beginning, before Arthur's conception, it is gripping. It is a mixture of the most popular Arthurian legends, still it holds together and the final product is excellent. Its sex scenes are quite shocking - in fact a great deal of importance seems to be given to these scenes. The battle scenes are no good for the tender-hearted - my sister nearly fainted watching them. The gory detail of blood being spilt and body parts flying here and there are alarming. Still, back to square 1, it is a great movie and it depicts fittingly the era in which it is set. After all the Middle Ages did not only consist of monks copying old manuscripts in convents. It mainly consisted of wars, bloodshed and mutilation. And this is the picture this movie gives, from beginning to end. Explicit entertainment in all ways - a must see to all lovers of medieval culture.

Nero's Mistress (1956)

Exquisite spoof of Roman Civilization

[7/10 · 26 October 1998]

The epoch of the Roman Empire has inspired many film makers to produce movies set in this age. This is one that'll never be matched. I do not mean that it is of a superb quality, but it stands out as being one of the very few films that make fun of this civilization. The storyline is quite thin - everyone makes his best to stop Nero from singing. Everyone tries to kill everyone: Nero tries to kill his mother Agrippina, Agrippina tries to kill Seneca and Poppea, these two in turn try to kill her too. Agrippina's trials always fail to work - the others' though, work every time. They put vipers in her bed, they give her poison to drink, they drop ceilings on her bed, they flood the ship on which she is travelling. But each time she always appears back as a demon from hell unable to die. Her appearance after each attempt is ghastly, especially the one after Nero orders her ship to be drowned - she appears in the palace dresses in a pale blue dress with lightning flashing behind her. Gloria Swanson is just about the best thing is this film. Her acting is superb as the plotting mother of the mad emperor. The charm she had in the 1920s is still present as late as 1956. Alberto Sordi is fine as the childish mad emperor, Vittorio de Sica is funny as the all-sapient Seneca while Brigitte Bardot fits excellently as the bitchy, wealth-seeking Poppea. All in all it is a fine comedy set in ancient times, bound to be enjoyed by those who watch it.

Earthquake (1974)

HELP! It's "Earthquake"!

[1/10 · 23 October 1998]

O my God, what an awful film. This movie is terrible from beginning to end with nothing that succeeds in raising it a bit - not even Heston's Gardner's and Bujold's performances. This is a sort of collecting pan for fallen stars. Not that I mean that Charlton Heston and Ava Gardener are fallen stars, but in 1974 their golden age had passed by and performing in this nightmare could have only helped to ensure that they belonged to the past. The effects are no effects at all - every dropping wall looks like polystyrene and the charred buildings look like cartons. The greatest pity is that the earthquake did not hit the production house and destroyed it with all the footage.

Romeo and Juliet (1968)

The greatest love story of all time in the best movie version

[23 October 1998]

Zeffirelli's version of Shakespeare's tragic love story is practically impossible to equal. It is true that as far as the script and the story are concerned, other versions may be more faithful, but as far as acting, feeling, set design, costumes, location filming and music are concerned it is another matter. I first saw this movie when I was about 10 and it didn't really impress me - I was young then and liked happy endings. By the age of 18 I had to lay my hands on it because I wanted to see it badly. When I finally sat through it, I was really satisfied. It nearly made me cry. Sadly as far as literate accuracy it leaves much to be desired, but when it comes to entertainment it has to be Pauline Keel to criticise it. In fact hers is just about the only negative review I ever found of this film (well after all she criticises ALL the movies). So the last thing to say is that this is an excellent movie to watch again and again, each time feeling sorry for the unfortunate lovers and letting yourself be enchanted by the haunting "Juliet's Love".

The Ten Commandments (1956)

What a film!

[10/10 · 23 October 1998]

This is surely one of the best biblical epics ever to be filmed. Even though it is terribly long, it is also terribly inspiring. The use of colour (or even the lack of it) is very ingenious, the script is intelligent, the acting is excellent, the visual effects are marvellous, the setting is realistic, the score fits excellently and overall it is GREAT. It was a very intelligent idea not to base the script only on the Holy Scriptures, but also on other novels. This gave the plot an original story, where everyone knows how it will end, but how this end is reached is a mystery. The love sub-plots are also interesting bringing up such issues as male dominion over slave-girls, forbidden love and marrying for love instead for pro-creation. Sadly this was C.B. de Mille's last film, but on second thoughts it could not have been better than this way: his last film ranks amongst his best and among the very best in cinema history.

Grease (1978)

What's that on your hair?

[20 October 1998]

Do not take my tag-line as an insult. I love this movie - it was one of the first musicals I ever saw. It is definitely NOT the best musical ever made or filmed, however it ranks one with the very best. When it was filmed in 1978 it was one of the last musicals to be filmed, so it was a magnificent finale to the musical film era. The music is rocky and the dancing sequences are great. It is very different from the soapy musicals of the 1950s, the story (as little as it has) is more realistic and it is set in an era very closer to us - 1959. It was a great nostalgic movie of the rock 'n' roll era.

The Man in the Iron Mask (I) (1998)

Which one is the true one?

[10/10 · 18 October 1998]

Most probably this movie owes much to its success to TITANIC. The release dates were very close to each other and when this movie was released the Leonardo Di Caprio craze was at its best. However, this movie is great. As far as plot and intrigue are concerned it is by far better than TITANIC. Even though as history it is a joke, still it is great fun. The acting is inspired. John Malkovich and Jeremy Irons are surely at their best here. Even DiCaprio is great, showing clearly the difference between the cruel, egoistic Louis and the kind Philippe. Bravo to everyone concerned. Give us more of this please. (The editor ought to have paid a little more attention, though: Anne moves away with the rose in her hand in her last appearance. Exactly afterwards, that same rose is found on D'Artagnan's grave.)

Gli schiavi più forti del mondo (1964)

Spare us please

[1/10 · 18 October 1998]

This is a fine example of Italian movie garbage. Nothing about this movie is worth seeing, not even once! The plot is non-existent, the actors are no actors at all and the sets succeed to be only unconvincing. We have this well to do Roman citizen who is attacked by soldiers for no apparent reason. He is enslaved and put to work in the mines. There are these five slaves and this soldier who join forces with him and soon they raise hell in the city. Somewhere, no one knows exactly were, a woman enters the story - naturally, the obligatoray love story in every Italian movie. In the 1960's movies of this genre were produced in Italy as spaghetti. This is a perfect of example of how low one can get. DESTROY IT!!!

Gone with the Wind (1939)

The best Hollywood epic.

[10/10 · 6 October 1998]

First of all I HATE love stories, but the love story in this movie is totally lost in the setting and editing. When I first saw "Gone With The Wind" I thought that it was a fine long film and that's about it. However when I later watched the documentary "The Making of a Legend: Gone With The Wind" I changed my point of view. This is a gem in the history of movie making, I thought. The effects are amazing and very advanced for their age. The acting is excellent, the setting is compelling and the sets and scenery are stunning. Definitely a must-see for everyone. Never mind its length, it is never boring and it is worth seeing every minute of it!