Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias: One Show Fits All (2019 TV Special)

Gabriel Iglesias: Self

Quotes 

• Gabriel Iglesias : [after his celebrity status got him out of a traffic stop]  Oh, Houston, for the first time in a long time, my son was actually impressed by something that I did. You gotta figure.

  [gesturing to the room] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : This is... it's not impressive to my son. Because he grew up in this environment. Okay, this does...

  [something floats down from the rafters] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : You saw that, right?

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I saw like a... that's, like, the third one I've seen. It's, like, stuff keeps...

  [chuckling] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : People upstairs from Tomball, "Keep talkin'."

  [he pantomimes dropping things over a balcony] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : All right, I'll tell you guys what happened. Shakira performed here a few days ago. And... and Shakira has an amazing show, okay? She doesn't just come out and...

  [ululating and dancing a little, he then hums "Whenever, Wherever"] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [singing]  Together, together.

  [cheers] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [after pantomiming dancing again]  I think I just hurt myself. But there's a part of her show where all of a sudden it was...

  [pantomiming confetti cannons firing] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And there's cannons with confetti that shoot everywhere, right? And I think that was leftover Shakira.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Yeah. Can we edit out the part where I... I burned 800 calories?

• Gabriel Iglesias : So, let me give you a heads-up as to what has happened since the last time I did a special. Um, my son Frankie is now 19 years old.

  [cheers] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : 19 years old, high-school graduate. He has all his shots... ladies?

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : People tell me all the time, you know, "Why do you talk about your son so much?". 'Cause he won't leave.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Does he like it when you talk about him?" I said, "No he hates it". "Well, why do you do it?" 'Cause he won't leave.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I'll tell you what he likes to do right now. He likes to sit around the house and watch videos of other kids playing video games. See, some of you are clapping. I didn't know that was an actual thing. I asked him, "What are you doing?". "I'm watching other kids playing video games". I said, "That's... really? Why?" Well, they're professionals. I'm like, "Why would you watch something that you could be doing?" 'Cause they're professionals. "That's dumb". "Really, Dad? Every Sunday, I see you watching football. How come you don't play?"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I didn't even argue. I just cut off the Internet.

• Gabriel Iglesias : [after being propositioned by a wealthy businessman]  Now, in all seriousness, not to be funny, not to be disrespectful, let me tell you the reason why I would be an amazing gay partner. The level... the level of communication between two men is so high, I might actually get an answer. There might be clarity and understanding. I might hear a yes, I might hear a no. Do you know how many relationships I have been in where I still don't know the outcome to certain conversations?

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Very simple yes or no questions. That's what I would do. Something as simple as... "Bebé, you hungry?"

  [imitating a girlfriend] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Well... I haven't eaten yet, so I probably should eat something, but I'm not feeling it right now. But if I don't eat right now, you know how I'm gonna get later. So I guess it's probably a good idea if I start eating right now, but it really depends on the options. What you do think?" AHHHHH!

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : What about this one? "Bebé, where would *you* like to eat?"

  [hearing the audience react] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : You hear all the guys? "Finally! I'm not alone!" Everybody's pointing at somebody right now. Guys, am I right? This has to be... you would think that this is the safest question in the world to ask, but it's not. "Well... just pick something. You know me, I go with the flow. Whatever you decide is okay with me. You know me already, just pick something." All right, we're going to Burger King. "I don't like Burger King! Why do we got to go to Burger King? Burger King gives me chorro."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Chorro is Mexican diarrhea. How about this one? "How do you feel?"

  [oohs from the audience] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Really? Really? You wanna know how I feel? Well, you know, maybe if you'd pay attention from time to time, you might know how I feel. You might not need to have to ask me such a question, because you would already know exactly how I feel. You might have time and energy. I'm exhausted to let you know how I feel and you have the nerve to ask me how do I feel?"

  [laughter at his freaked-out facial expression] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Now imagine the exact same conversation between me and Mr. Lexus. Do you know how efficient that conversation would be? "Hey, bro! You hungry?" Thought you'd never ask. "What do you wanna eat?" Whatever you wanna eat. "We're going to Burger King." I love Whoppers. "Me, too!" We go to Burger King and we tear it up. We get back home, and I ask him, "Hey, how do you feel?" Horny. "Me, too! How do you wanna do this? Heads or tails?"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : It would be efficient!

• Gabriel Iglesias : My son's problem right now is that he has, according to him, too many options. Okay? That's his problem. I'm like, "Poor guy!"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I have so many options, Dad. I don't know what to do." Write 'em down. Put them on a wheel. Freaking...

  [pantomiming the sound of a spinning wheel chart] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Today, plumber. Something! The problem is we go places, people find out he is my son, and then they offer him opportunities. He doesn't understand that that's not how the real world works. I know about struggling and clawing and fighting for the opportunity to do something. He doesn't get it yet. And that's my fault. For example, I take him and his mom out to dinner, okay? I took them both to Red Lobster. Now, Houston, me, personally, I love Red Lobster, okay? And not even for the seafood. I'm talking about the biscuits.

  [cheers] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Oh! Oh, yeah.

  [pantomiming his nipples becoming erect] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Ah! Ow! It's real good. So we're sitting there and we're having a conversation with our son about life, opportunity, what does he want to do with himself. And as we're talking to him, the manager from Red Lobster walks over to our table. And he's being really cool, right? He's like, "Hey!" And I'm like, "Hey!" He looks at my son, "Is this the infamous Frankie?" And I said, "Why, yes, it is. He just graduated." Congratulations! "And he's looking for a job." The manager goes, "Oh, say no more" and he gives my son a business card and then he starts to say, "Listen, Frankie, this is all you have to do. Just go online and fill out the application. Once it's registered, call me personally and I'll see to it that you get an interview. The only position we have available right now is for a host, but there's plenty of room for opportunity here at Red Lobster. Besides, you got one hell of a reference." And then he walked away and I was like, "Oh, my God."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I'm gonna get free biscuits!"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : My son looks at me and says, "I don't wanna work at Red Lobster." I said, "Frankie, no one is making you work anywhere. This is just another opportunity that you're wasting. Okay, no Red Lobster. What's your plan?"; "I don't know." I got frustrated. So I raised my voice. "Well, you better start thinking." His mom didn't like that. "Don't talk to him like that." I said, "Look, biscuit blocker..."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : See, up to this point, we have agreed on how we raise our son. But in this situation, she's trying to protect him from the world. I'm trying to prepare him for the world. If he cannot handle me raising my voice to get his attention to see the bigger picture, he's not ready for a world that doesn't care about his feelings.

• Gabriel Iglesias : This does nothing for my son. And the reason why I say that is because he grew up in this environment. He's been to a thousand shows. He's seen me on TV a million times. It's not a big deal. But the fact that I got stopped by a cop and the cop recognized me and geeked out and let us go... I earned street cred with my kid!

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Yeah, Frankie was like, "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!" And I'm like, "Hell, yeah, cuh, that's right. You better recognize, playa."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We get home, he woke up his mom. "Mom, you should have seen it! We got stopped by the cops!" Are you okay? "Yeah! They recognized Dad and let us go." And she stayed quiet and I told her, "Huh? I got recognized!" And she said...

  [tutting dismissively] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Ahhh... .!"

• Gabriel Iglesias : [taking his son out for a one-on-one talk about how the real world works]  I take him out to the movies. We get in the car, we take off.

  [sound effect of a car engine] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : A little 20-minute drive, okay? As we're driving, I figure I'll have a little one-on-one with him. Maybe this way, it doesn't feel like a "talk" talk. I thought he understood what I was trying to say. It's late. We're leaving the movies. We're pulling out of the parking structure and out of the corner of my eye, I see a cop car. And I made a sound, I was like, "Ugh!" And Frankie goes, "What is it, Dad?" I said, "There's a cop at the light." What are you worried about? "He's gonna stop us." How do you know? "Watch."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I made that left turn...

  [he mimics a car engine revving and a cop car siren] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Frankie's losing it. "It's happening!"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I said, "Relax." I pull over.

  [sound effect of tires screeching] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Cop pulls up from behind.

  [tires screeching again] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Immediately.

  [sound effect of the cop knocking on the car window] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Driver, windows down."

  [groaning, he then mimics the window rolling down] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Driver, hands out the window." Serious?

  [pantomiming, to the audience's laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Both of 'em." I can't, I'm fat!

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : He gets to the window, and he's got the flashlight. And he shines the light right in my face. He's like, "License." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. He takes the license and then, of course, you know, "Do you know why I stopped you?" Officer, no I don't, but I'm sure you're about to tell me. "You don't have a front plate on your car." I said, "Officer, you're absolutely right. I do not have a front plate on my car, but my name is actually on the front of the car." Excuse me? "My name is on the front of the car." I own a a 2012 Ford Flex and the Ford Flex has the actual word "Flex" written on the hood. I have a friend who does custom automotive work, and he took all the letters off the car except for the letter F, and he made letters so that it spells "Fluffy" on the hood.

  [cheers and whooping] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Okay? Yeah. It sounds impressive. You can do it too for, like, $23. It's not that bad. They're like refrigerator magnets. You can even move 'em. Like, one day a letter flew off and it said "Fuffy".

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Que pendejo. I know, stupid, right? So... the officer walks around to the front of the car, and he takes his flashlight and he shines the light right on the hood and he does this, he goes, "I knew it!". And my son goes "What does that mean?" I said, "That means we get to go."

• Gabriel Iglesias : [after sneaking backstage at a Chris Rock show]  I was celebrating the fact that I got away with that for so long. For so long! "Ah, I snuck backstage at Chris Rock! I snuck backstage, I snuck..." Until karma showed up one day, in the form of the... most extreme fan I have ever had in 20 years of me being a comedian. I had someone who not only made it backstage, this person paid to get into my dressing room. Okay? Yeah. He didn't pay me, by the way.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : He didn't pay me. I'm an honest ho.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Okay? I made no money that day, all right? Yeah. If I would have gotten paid, you wouldn't be hearing this story. Here's the thing. I walk into my dressing room from the bathroom. i just finished showering up and I'm in a towel. I walk into the room, come to find out later that this man was a very wealthy businessman in the community, okay? And when I walked into the room, he's wearing a very, very nice suit. So when I saw the suit, I didn't give it a second thought, because he looked professional. I thought maybe he was the general manager of the building, one of the concert promoters, he could have been someone's agent... so when I walked into the room, in my towel, right, "Can I help you?" He looks at me and it was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had. He looks at me and he says...

  [in a slightly effeminate voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Listen."

  [deep inhale and exhale] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I am not here to waste any of your time. Fluffy, I am prepared to take care of you."

  [oohs from the audience] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I will give you a new Lexus and an allowance that's more than what you make as a comedian. Leave with me." I was never more disgusted and offended at the fact that I was not gay.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Because finally! Finally, somebody wants to take care of me.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Do you know how many people I take care of? No one's ever offered me a Lexus, and they should. I felt horrible saying no to this guy. I still think about it.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I still have the number. Houston, I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't know how this is gonna go over, but I'm gonna say it. I would be an amazing gay partner. I would! All the way up until that one part, but even then. Have you ever driven a Lexus? Those are nice! Sometimes you gotta take one for your own team. I'm just sayin'.

• Gabriel Iglesias : So, my son, what he likes to do now, like I said, Frankie likes to stay home and watch videos. I come downstairs one morning and he's on his phone, but the chair that he's sitting in is turned facing the window, which I thought was weird. So I called to him, "Frankie, what are you doing?" Nothin'. So he can't hear... "Frankie!" He can't hear. So I walked up from behind, and I realized that my son has little headphones. So I said, "Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, he's not, you know, ignoring me." So I look over his shoulder, and I realize that my son is watching... a film.

  [the audience oohs] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And I don't mean "Frozen".

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : But those people look cold.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : So now I'm standing there, watching it with him.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I'm not trying to bond or anything. I'm just trying to figure out the conversation I need to have, and now we're both watching "professionals".

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : So I grabbed his headphone and I went...

  [pantomiming pulling the earbud out] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Hey, is that a good movie?" And he freaked out. "AHHH!" And he threw the phone. The phone came partially undone and you could hear it.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Oh, it was bad. "Not my face, not my face, not my face."

  [he pantomimes Frankie running over to retrieve the phone] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : He turned bright red, and he starts walking back over. "How embarrassing. How long have you been standing there?" I said "Long enough to know 'not my face'."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Are you gonna tell my mom?" I said, "Frankie, I love you way too much to do that to you. I would never tell your mom. I'mma tell everybody else."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Hey, don't tell his mom. I said, "Look, I know you're not gonna stop watching stuff like this. So just do me a favor. Don't do this here. You're old enough now to watch whatever you wanna watch. But as long as you live in this house, you cannot be watching stuff like that where your mom can catch you. You're not gonna stop, so just don't do it here." How do you know I'm not gonna stop? "'Cause I haven't stopped."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Matter of fact, there's a sequel to that. It's called 'Not My Hair'."

• Gabriel Iglesias : About a year and a half ago, maybe longer, we're on the bus and we're heading down the highway. Just so you have kind of an understanding of the bus layout, let's say this is the front.

  [pantomiming] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Here's Dave, the driver. Empty seat, and then a sliding door that goes in between him and the rest of the tour bus. My buddy Alfred and I are in the living room portion and we're watching TV. We're watching the news, and on the news, there's this person who is running for some type of office. No particular office.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And I guess their big plan is to... erect a structure between two bodies of land. Somewhere.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And I guess they want one side of the structure to finance the entire project. Well, my buddy Alfred and I, we have a lot of family that works in construction and we know a bad job when we see one. So we started to voice our opinion out loud about how we felt about this person and what they wanted to do. We're being very loud. So loud, Dave can hear us, and then we hear Dave.

  [diabolical laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "'Murica!" I yell out to Dave. I say, "Be quiet, Dave. This isn't about you." He taps a button on the dashboard that activates the sliding door. And when the door is about that far from closing, he yells out, "I'm building a wall!"

  [laughter at his shocked expression] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I couldn't even get upset because I was too much in shock over the fact that that came out of someone four feet away from me. My buddy Alfred and I, we looked like chickens. We're like...

  [he clucks like a chicken with its head cut off] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : My cell phone goes off.

  [pantomiming the sound of it vibrating] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I take out my phone, and there's a text message. From Dave. And I said, "That's right. He better say, 'I'm sorry.' He better say, 'Just kidding'." I open up the text message and it says, "And you're paying for it."

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And people tell me, "You still work with him after that?" Yes, I do. I trust that man with my life every single night. I know where his heart's at. He can say whatever he wants. At the end of the day, he still has to drive around the king of the Mexicans.

• Gabriel Iglesias : [about Dave, the driver of his tour bus]  Before me, he used to, uh, work with a man by the name of Kenny G.

  [cheers] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Grammy Award winner, amazing, amazing music. Um... one day, Kenny G was on his tour bus that Dave was driving, and I guess the two of them had a little discussion and Kenny G used some words that Dave would've rather him not have used. And instead of getting into it with him, this is what Dave does.

  [he pantomimes pulling the bus over and opening the door] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Kicked Kenny G off of his own bus. Because he would rather lose his job than lose his self-respect. And that's the man I work with. He's a bad dude. You guys are clapping, but you should've seen the interview. Oh, man, it was a good one. He looks at me and he says, "Hey! Let's get one thing straight. I don't give a shit who you are. You treat me right, I'll treat you right. You pay me on time, you'll live." Not to mention the fact that he keeps that tour bus squeaky clean. And he takes a lot of pride in that, as well. One night, I was drinking on the bus, and I go to put my... my cup down. And I missed the table, and the cup hit the floor. I didn't get up right away to get the cup, because I figured I'mma get up in a couple minutes and make myself another drink, I'll pick up the cup then. Dave sees the cup on the floor, and then he looks at me and says, "Hey! I ain't your mama. Pick that shit up!"

  [laughter as he pantomimes doing so] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I get to the back of the bus and I'm like, "Wait a minute, I pay him! Hey, Dave..." Shut up! "Yeah, I'll be in the back in my room. Thank you. Drive safe." And people tell me, "You work with a man who talks that way to you? Why?" Let me tell you why. Because he's honest. With Dave, you know exactly what you get. Nowadays, it's so hard for me to tell who's being genuine and who has an agenda, and with him, you know exactly where you stand. If he likes you, he loves you. And if not, you're on the curb with Kenny G.

• Gabriel Iglesias : I have a bus driver named Dave who has never received any credit. And he's been working for me for almost ten years now. This man...

  [cheers] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : This man has successfully gotten me to every single comedy show on time, without fail. If I had to describe him to you, okay? Dave looks like the word... 'Murica. Not "America", "'Murica"! He's about six feet tall and he's white, he has a gray beard, and he wears a trucker hat. And he's got to be one of the most hardworking people I have ever met. Now, when I say hard-working, hey, I'm on the road 46 weeks out of the year. So I know. Difference is I fly home every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Dave stays on that bus and he gets it to the next city, where we meet him. He works anniversaries, holidays, special moments. Christmastime, I was with my family. Dave was driving that bus on the East Coast. New Year's, I was with my family. Dave was on the East Coast driving that bus.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : One of the hardest-working people I've ever met. I just want to give him a shout-out. In addition to being hardworking, he's, uh... he's very honest. Now, when I say honest, I don't mean, "Oh, he does his taxes right." I mean painfully honest. No-filter honest. He talks the way people used to. He does not have time mince words. He just calls it like he sees it.