Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)
Suicide Squad (2019)
Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta
Photos
Quotes
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Jake Peralta : The point is, without any good leads, Kelly will give the order to use the stingray an order that we will record thanks to our very own Madeline Wuntch.
Chief Wuntch : Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything. He won't even meet with me.
Captain Ray Holt : Perhaps you can sneak in disguised as an old leather chair.
Jake Peralta : Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza. All you have to do is run into him.
Chief Wuntch : [fantasy scene] Commissioner Kelly.
John Kelly : Oh, Madeline. I didn't see you there. I thought you were an old leather chair.
Jake Peralta : [reality] He's not gonna say that.
Captain Ray Holt : He might.
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Jake Peralta : Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
The Vulture : Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
Captain Jason Stentley : You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
Jake Peralta : We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
Captain Jason Stentley : Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.
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Jake Peralta : Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
Captain Jason Stentley : Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?
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Captain Jason Stentley : My name is Captain Jason Stentley. It's Friday night I think. There's no windows in here. This morning, I was kidnapped for real...
Jake Peralta : Stop.
Captain Jason Stentley : What? What was wrong with that?
Jake Peralta : You said you were kidnapped "for real."
Captain Jason Stentley : Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped. You know? I'm selling it.
Jake Peralta : Okay, let's just do it again. Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
Rosa Diaz : Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
Captain Jason Stentley : She's right.
Jake Peralta : Okay, fine, one more time. Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
Captain Jason Stentley : Okay. Kidnapped.
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Jake Peralta : When C.J. goes to get his morning coffee, we will arrive and grab him. He will pretend to struggle just enough to attract attention.
Captain Jason Stentley : [fantasy scene] Help! Help!
Captain Jason Stentley : [reality] I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.
Jake Peralta : I can see that you already have the word "milk" written on your hand. I know where this is going.
Captain Jason Stentley : [fantasy scene] Milk! Milk!
Jake Peralta : [reality] Don't do that.
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Jake Peralta : They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The Vulture : These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.
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Captain Ray Holt : Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture : I'll help.
Jake Peralta : See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture : But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake Peralta : Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture : 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain Jason Stentley : It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.
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Jake Peralta : Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The Vulture : I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles Boyle : Whose hand is sticky?
Captain Jason Stentley : It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain Ray Holt : It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
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Charles Boyle : I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce...
Jake Peralta : Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles Boyle : We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake Peralta : Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles Boyle : You said we didn't have time.
Jake Peralta : I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles Boyle : Oh, it is.
Jake Peralta : Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles Boyle : Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake Peralta : Of course.
Rosa Diaz : Guys.