Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #16.28 (2018)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: now that the 25th Amendment, the one about removing a president who's incapacitated, keeps popping up in the news, someone has to explain to me: if it was written specifically for this guy...

  [a picture of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...then who is it for?

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : According to Bob Woodward's book, Trump's lawyers told Robert Mueller that Trump could not testify because he was incapable of telling the truth. This is what Sling Blade's lawyer argued...

  [laughter as a picture of Billy Bob Thornton from the film is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...when he's... when he's accused of murder. "My client is incompetent to stand trial." Now, I know everyone by now knows that Trump is a narcissicist, but we have to stop treating that like it's an unfortunate personality tic and start treating it like what it is: a serious and dangerous mental illness.

• Himself - Host : Trump likes to tag everything with "in history". He did it again this week.

  [a clip of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : It's always bullshit, but in this one area, he really might be the most extreme case of narcissistic personality disorder "in history".

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Nixon was bad; at the end, he was talking to the White House paintings. But Trump thinks the paintings are talking to him. When Trump masturbates, he fantasizes about himself masturbating.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This isn't a quirk, like having a fear of clowns, or calling your wife "mommy". It's in the big book of crazy. Trump sets off a hundred bombs a week, and we chase all of them, but all his flaws are really outgrowths of one thing. If there was a nutrition label on his ass, it would...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It would say "35% Fat, 65% Narcissistic Personality Disorder." It all comes from that. Narcissism is why he has no empathy. His first thought after the planes hit the towers on 9/11 was "Now my building is the tallest." His whole life is the old joke about the doctor who tells his patient "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news, you only got a week to live. The good news, you see my nurse? I'm banging her."

  [groans and laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It's an old joke. You'll get over it.

• Himself - Host : Narcissism is why Trump can be a traitor and think he's a patriot. Because it's like what JFK said, "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can for me." Narcissism is why our government is now so corrupt, because the only quality that matters is being an unbearable suck-ass to Trump.

  [a clip of Brett Kavanaugh, Trump's Supreme Court nominee is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Oh... please. You had him at "presidents cannot be prosecuted."

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Narcissism is why we have a foreign policy based entirely on whether or not when our leader meets your leader, he thinks they like him. He said about President Xi "I like him, and I believe he likes me a lot." Oh, I hope so.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Maybe you guys can watch "The Notebook" together and braid each other's hair.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Same thing with Putin. He said "I hope I like him. I hope he likes me." And then there's his buddy in North Korea.

  [a clip of Trump talking about Kim Jong-Un is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Great. Maybe he'll sign your tits. That's all you gotta do, is say something nice. Donald Trump is the world's cheapest date.

  [a clip is shown of Trump saying "I like him, he likes me, who knows what's gonna happen"] 

  Himself - Host : Like what, you're gonna fuck?

• Himself - Host : Who cares whether other heads of state like ours? These other leaders are laughing at him. As if Putin is in the Kremlin going

  [in exaggerated Russian] 

  Himself - Host : "Ooh, I hope he likes me. I would poison myself if I thought Donald Trump didn't like me. Take selfie of me; I send it to Trump."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And most chillingly, narcissism is why Trump is so stupid. The President of the United States, the planet's most powerful human, in a data-driven world, full of shifting information, can never learn anything. Narcissism makes you unteachable. You can't correct him, because that would mean he was wrong. And that's impossible; he's infallible, like the Pope or Oprah.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump's brain is like a cell phone with a full mailbox. You can call, but you can't leave a message.

• Self - Host : New rule: if Roger Stone wants to be taken seriously, he must stop dressing like a Batman villain.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : This look doesn't say "political consultant", it says "My umbrella sprays purple knockout gas."

• Self - Host : New rule: the two people at every crowded party who decide the best place to stand and talk is in the doorway must be followed just to see if they're the same assholes who block the intersection when my light turns green.