Commando Ninja (2018)

Eric Carlesi: John Hunter

Photos 

Quotes 

• [after Hopkins is stabbed in the back by the Red Ninja] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : [groaning]  Fuck! If I knew I was gonna die today, I would've gotten laid!

  John Hunter : Stop the bullshit, Hopkins! You're gonna make it! Hold on!

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know, there's something I never told you, John.

  [groaning] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know all that racist bullshit?

  [groaning] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : My old man... he died in a concentration camp.

  John Hunter : Shit, Hopkins. I didn't know that.

  Leeroy Hopkins : [laughing]  He fell from the guard tower!

  [they both laugh until Hopkins loses his breath] 

• [as John is chopping wood with his katana, Hopkins appears behind him] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Do you know why Americans don't have hemorrhoids? Because all the assholes live in Canada!

  John Hunter : [drops katana]  Hopkins, you old sack of shit!

  [they arm wrestle in mid-air during a handshake. John notices Hawkins' cybernetic right hand] 

  John Hunter : Did they give you bionic balls too?

  Leeroy Hopkins : You know I already have balls of steel.

• [John sneaks behind a guard and stabs him in the eye. He then picks up the guard's radio] 

  John Hunter : [holding his knife with the guard's eye stuck to it]  Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on him.

• [John chops off a guard's arm] 

  John Hunter : It'll cost you an arm.

  [guard runs away, but John throws a shuriken that chops off his leg] 

  John Hunter : And a leg.

• [John defeats the Red Ninja, who unmasks herself as Lori before he gets to decapitate her] 

  Lori Hunter : No! Wait, John.

  John Hunter : Lori, is that you?

  Lori Hunter : Yes. It's me, John.

  [Lori coughs blood] 

  Lori Hunter : Lori, your wife. Remember?

  John Hunter : But you're dead! How's this possible?

  Lori Hunter : The Colonel Kinsky time travel device.

  [she shows him her Power Glove] 

  Lori Hunter : The Lori who was murdered was a Lori from another space and time.

  John Hunter : So this is why those fucking ninjas were always one step ahead of us back in 'Nam.

  [Lori coughs more blood] 

  Lori Hunter : When the Colonel found that technology, he first hired our services to the Soviet Union. And as he became richer, his thirst for power just grew and grew.

  John Hunter : Jenny... where is she?

  Lori Hunter : In the future, John. In 1998, where the Colonel is secretly training his great army.

  John Hunter : Send me to the future. Do it. For Jenny.

  [Lori programs her Power Glove] 

  Lori Hunter : Bring her back, John. Everything could be back like when we were... family. You. Me. And Jenny.

  [John decapitates Lori, and her head falls off the rooftop] 

  John Hunter : I don't like your new pajamas.

  [John walks away and puts on his bandanna as the sky darkens. Lori's decapitated body suddenly rises] 

  John Hunter : There can be only one ninja.

  [John is struck by lightning as he experiences the Quickening, which sends him to 1998] 

• [John tests Hopkins' cybernetic arm with some arm wrestling, and loses] 

  John Hunter : Okay, let's not break your new toy.

  Leeroy Hopkins : It's good to see you again, John.

  John Hunter : Shit. You look like somebody's secretary.

  Leeroy Hopkins : It's an Air Force uniform. And you get all the pussy, dude. That's why I left the Army. Do you want me to hook you up?

  John Hunter : I'm good pussy-wise, man. And you can keep your desk job.

  [they walk to the front of the cabin] 

  John Hunter : Holy shit, Hopkins. For all those years, I thought you were rotting in a rice paddy. How did you survive that shit?

  Leeroy Hopkins : The usual routine. It all started when those fucking gooks unleashed raptors up my ass.

• Leeroy Hopkins : That was the last time I saw Kowalsky. He was a nice guy for a Pollock.

  John Hunter : Fucking mess. I wonder what became of Snow White.

  [pause, then John grabs Hopkins] 

  John Hunter : So, what brings you to the boondocks, Hopkins?

  Leeroy Hopkins : I've got good news and bad news, John.

  John Hunter : Good news first.

  Leeroy Hopkins : They murdered your ex-wife.

  John Hunter : Shit.

  [pause, then they both laugh] 

  John Hunter : No more alimony.

  [Hopkins suddenly stops laughing and takes off his sunglasses] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : And they took your kid.

  [pause, then John runs towards the front door] 

  Leeroy Hopkins : Don't mess, John. It's up to the police to handle it.

  John Hunter : Tell me everything you know, Hopkins! Spill it!

  Leeroy Hopkins : You're no longer in Vietnam, John. There are laws here. I can't say anything.

  [John grabs Hopkins] 

  John Hunter : You listen to me, you son of a bitch. You've never been able to put your dick in anything but Fat Mama-san. You don't know what it's like to have a kid!

  Leeroy Hopkins : That's fucking cold, John! There was that girl in high school.

  John Hunter : Where? When? How?

  Leeroy Hopkins : You have no clue about the shit storm you're about to walk into.

  John Hunter : Walking in is the easy part. It's walking out without your dick in a sling that's rough.

• [John meets three punks in the 1998 wasteland. He shows them a photo of Jenny] 

  John Hunter : I'm looking for my daughter. Have you seen her?

  [the lead punk stares at the photo. The second punk licks his teeth while looking at John, and the third punk bangs on his hubcap shield. The lead punk licks his lips before he swings his hockey stick at John, but John chops off his hands] 

  John Hunter : I...

  [John disembowels the lead punk] 

  John Hunter : ...hate...

  [John chops the lead punk's head in half] 

  John Hunter : ...punks!