- Michael: The committee is a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg.
- Michael: Every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.
- Michael: [pulls up a page from the Book of Dougs] In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her house, she was happy. Boom... 145 points. Now... yeah, here we go.
- [pulls up another page]
- Michael: In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but this time he lost points. Why? Because he ordered the roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop, the flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals.
- [pumps his fist in the air]
- Michael: Whoo!
- Tahani Al-Jamil: That is a very odd thing to cheer.
- Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points. They don't have to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [crying] Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
- Janet: Why are you crying?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I don't know. I'm British, I- I never cry. But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry. And also, this is less important, but the carpeting is really disgusting.
- Janet: [to Jason, who comes through the door and starts crying, too] Why are *you* crying?
- Jason Mendoza: I just like being a part of things.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP?
- Jason Mendoza: Yes! Tight!
- Michael: No, not tight. The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe.
- Chidi Anagonye: Whoa, champagne?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift.
- Chidi Anagonye: I feel kind of bad. What if it was for something really important?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [reading the attached note] "Gwendolyn: Here's some champagne to thank you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for the champagne you sent me."
- Chidi Anagonye: Pop that bench.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [Chidi is wearing a postal worker uniform] Holy forking fork.
- Chidi Anagonye: What do you think.
- [Eleanor starts crying]
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh no, you're crying. I assume it's because you're happy or horny. Is this a horny cry.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault!
- Chidi Anagonye: Why? Do you not like the outfit?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I love the outfit! You look amazing. And this sucks, and I'm furious, and I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you!
- Chidi Anagonye: There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try". Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I've got an idea of something we could try.
- Chidi Anagonye: Great. What?
- [Eleanor smiles coyly]
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh. Wait, I think I know. Well, I don't want to assume. What if we both write down what we think you mean...
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What if we didn't?
- [She grabs him and they race up the stairs]
- Chidi: Woah, champagne!
- Eleanor: I found it in the cupboard. I think it was some kind of gift.
- Chidi: I kind of feel bad, what if it was for something really important?
- Eleanor: Gwendolyn, here's some champagne for you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for the champagne you sent me.
- Chidi: Pop that bench!