- Eliot Waugh: Ugh, god. What a cliche.
- Margo Hanson: The baby that becomes a teenager practically overnight?
- Eliot Waugh: Right? Angel.
- Margo Hanson: Twilight.
- Eliot Waugh: Buffy.
- Margo Hanson: Technically, Buffy's sister was never a baby. She just appeared out of nowhere. And oh my god. Two months without dick and I sound like Quentin.
- Margo Hanson: What you're doing is very heroic. Now, I mean that. But what's the difference between a live hero and a dead moron?
- Eliot Waugh: Food tasters?
- Margo Hanson: No... One dumb decision. So when it's be brave or be smart... You know which one, okay?
- Quentin Coldwater: [Reading] The Tale of the Seven Keys. Chapter one. Long ago, in a far-off kingdom, lived the daughter of a brave knight. The knight had always wanted a son to whom he might pass on his skills. So, while father and daughter loved one another, she often felt herself a disappointment to him. One day, a witch kidnapped the knight. The daughter pleaded with her to return him. The witch said no, but he could be rescued if the girl could complete a quest. "There are seven keys", said the witch. "Find them, and you can open your father's prison the Castle At The End of the World". The witch told the daughter the first key was to be found on an island beyond her kingdom, so she sailed past the Outer Islands. And while the voyage was treacherous, her destination was more so, for nothing was as it seemed on After Island.
- Josh Hoberman: Wow. Okay. So, then...?
- Quentin Coldwater: Then - -
- [Shows rest is blank pages]
- Josh Hoberman: Jesus. This book is more withholding than my last girlfriend.
- Fen: I know you have your doubts, but she has your eyes.
- Eliot Waugh: In that she has two facing forward, yes, she's got my eyes.
- Fen: She's ours. I feel it. You don't?
- Eliot Waugh: I want to. I do. But all I know is that she is huge for a two-month-old.
- Eliot Waugh: So we're out of dough. Moola. Chedda. Money, people. Magic's gone. We can't even control the gold-shitting beetles anymore now that they've declared themselves free and disappeared. We're about to be a third-world country on a planet with two-and-a-half countries.
- Eliot Waugh: Off your storm warning, I was expecting a Kanye-level diva, but I'm not even getting a whiff of Atty-Patty.
- Tick Pickwick: Don't be fooled, Sire. To use your parlance, this boat can be a bit of an Ass-ditch.
- Eliot Waugh: [Confused] Ass-ditch?
- Tick Pickwick: Ass-trench? Grave?
- Eliot Waugh: No.
- Tick Pickwick: Hole. Asshole!
- [Boats knocks hum into the water]
- Margo Hanson: She has a quality.
- Eliot Waugh: Called unearned imperiousness.
- Margo Hanson: Your defining characteristic.
- [Eliot gives her a dirty look]
- Margo Hanson: Until you earned it.
- Cop 1: [to the Central Park orgy] All right, everybody who's doing... what you're doing to each other, stop immediately, or you will be arrested.
- Quentin Coldwater: Did you get anything?
- Julia Wicker: Uh, so, um, this was cast by a woman, clearly, although the muggles didn't know that. They said she was talking about the loss of magic, and the need for wonder.
- Quentin Coldwater: Okay, did you get a name, or...?
- Julia Wicker: No, uh, just that she was asking where the nearest building was to jump off of.
- Quentin Coldwater: The Old Post Office on 58th.
- Julia Wicker: ...How do you know that?
- Quentin Coldwater: Abandoned building, easy roof access, and great views. It was the number one midtown spot when I was into that kind of thing as a possibility.
- Professor Lipson: The goddamn world is ending! And all we have is each other, and he does this to me now!
- Quentin Coldwater: Look, he is the worst, and he got what he deserved, but I get what you did. You were raging against the dying of the light.
- Professor Lipson: Yes.
- Quentin Coldwater: We really didn't know how good we had it, did we? We whined and complained about everything that magic couldn't do because we couldn't see that a world without it was dark and mean and pointless.
- Fray: You told my queen you came to collect taxes; you just came for that key. Why?
- Fen: It's gold. And magic. Maybe the only magic anywhere. What could be more valuable than that?
- Fray: I'm not sure I believe you.
- Fen: And I can't believe I finally get to say this.
- [Puts on a stern tone]
- Fen: Don't talk back to your father and me.
- [Smiles]
- Fen: That felt nice, didn't it?
- Fray: I am here to assure that-...
- Eliot Waugh: My turn. Go to your room.
- [She storms off]
- Fen: We're a family.
- Eliot Waugh: Well, we are certainly fucked up enough to be.
- Eliot Waugh: Only a creature from the land TV forgot would think anybody would fall for how shocking and original this is.
- Margo Hanson: So you don't think Fray is your daughter?
- Eliot Waugh: Do you see any resemblance?
- Margo Hanson: I see your wife swooning.
- Eliot Waugh: Three hours ago, my wife was burping a log.
- Eliot Waugh: The Muntjac is the fastest boat in our ancient, leaky fleet, and the best way to reach the Outer Islands, where taxes haven't been collected in...
- Tick Pickwick: 46 years, 3 months, and 7 days.
- Eliot Waugh: So let's just be clear here about how government works. We can't do anything without money. Now, if there are any dissenting opinions as to my royal order...
- [They all put up their hands]
- Eliot Waugh: ... I will remind the Council that this is not a democracy.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: So, um - the bear?
- Donovan: Yeah, that was weird. I mean I've seen weirder, but not in a while. It kinda gave me hope.
- Emily Greenstreet: We met someone at a bar. Someone he owed something to.
- Quentin Coldwater: Maybe a battery?
- Emily Greenstreet: I don't know, honestly. It was a woman. Yeah, I really had to pee so I hit the ladies and I heard all this screaming. Next thing, he is hulking out of his clothes and he's getting all hairy. He's now full bear and he's just tearing the place apart.
- Quentin Coldwater: Right, but so you think it was that woman that-...
- Emily Greenstreet: If it was and you find her, could you rip her fucking face off? Cause now I'm married to a zoo animal.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: The Hedges, they're all going crazy with rumors that magic is happening all over the city. Central Park sex magic make-out sessions devolving into orgy.
- Josh Hoberman: Fuck. Why didn't I ever do that?
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: And at St. Brennan's, someone conjured a dinosaur. Yeah, I mean, both places, the rumor is, it's a female magician. White, 30s, a little off her rocker.
- Quentin Coldwater: Uh, okay, well we should split up and cover both.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Yeah.
- Josh Hoberman: You're taking sex magic, aren't you?
- Eliot Waugh: She is a spy for the Faerie Queen. It's probably better if she's not our daughter.
- Fen: All my life I've wanted a family of my own and I know this isn't ideal. We've missed so much with her, but it's not her fault. She needs the one thing in life she's never had.
- Eliot Waugh: Manners?
- Fen: Love.
- Eliot Waugh: I hereby declare After Island a province of Fillory!
- [Silence]
- Eliot Waugh: Hello. I'm your new king.
- [Still silence]
- Eliot Waugh: No need to bow or cheer. I have an extremely healthy self-image.
- [Goes up to a man]
- Eliot Waugh: Um, where's your leader? Governor? Mayor? Tin pot dictator?
- Josh Hoberman: I just need to know the action plan, okay? If I do find her, do I, what, just grab the battery? Even if she's using it at that exact moment to save Penny? And even if saving Penny means the battery's dead?
- Julia Wicker: Or the battery has enough juice to save Penny and help us, she just doesn't want me to have it. I mean, which I totally get, from her perspective. Only I'm not her, I'm me, and I'm trying to fix the whole fuckness that is the universe.
- Quentin Coldwater: Look, let's just find her, and then we'll figure out all the moral Jenga.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: [about the dinosaur] We lost it on Madison.
- Josh Hoberman: I still think it went into that falafel place.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: No, you were hungry.
- Josh Hoberman: So was he. And it was a vegan falafel place, so, herbivore. Logic.