The Magicians (TV Series)

Heroes and Morons (2018)

Jason Ralph: Quentin Coldwater

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Quotes 

• Quentin Coldwater : Sorry, Officer. Our friend's cat was sick and exploded. You know, like they do.

• Quentin Coldwater : [Reading]  The Tale of the Seven Keys. Chapter one. Long ago, in a far-off kingdom, lived the daughter of a brave knight. The knight had always wanted a son to whom he might pass on his skills. So, while father and daughter loved one another, she often felt herself a disappointment to him. One day, a witch kidnapped the knight. The daughter pleaded with her to return him. The witch said no, but he could be rescued if the girl could complete a quest. "There are seven keys", said the witch. "Find them, and you can open your father's prison the Castle At The End of the World". The witch told the daughter the first key was to be found on an island beyond her kingdom, so she sailed past the Outer Islands. And while the voyage was treacherous, her destination was more so, for nothing was as it seemed on After Island.

  Josh Hoberman : Wow. Okay. So, then...?

  Quentin Coldwater : Then - -

  [Shows rest is blank pages] 

  Josh Hoberman : Jesus. This book is more withholding than my last girlfriend.

• Quentin Coldwater : Did you get anything?

  Julia Wicker : Uh, so, um, this was cast by a woman, clearly, although the muggles didn't know that. They said she was talking about the loss of magic, and the need for wonder.

  Quentin Coldwater : Okay, did you get a name, or...?

  Julia Wicker : No, uh, just that she was asking where the nearest building was to jump off of.

  Quentin Coldwater : The Old Post Office on 58th.

  Julia Wicker : ...How do you know that?

  Quentin Coldwater : Abandoned building, easy roof access, and great views. It was the number one midtown spot when I was into that kind of thing as a possibility.

• Professor Lipson : The goddamn world is ending! And all we have is each other, and he does this to me now!

  Quentin Coldwater : Look, he is the worst, and he got what he deserved, but I get what you did. You were raging against the dying of the light.

  Professor Lipson : Yes.

  Quentin Coldwater : We really didn't know how good we had it, did we? We whined and complained about everything that magic couldn't do because we couldn't see that a world without it was dark and mean and pointless.

• Emily Greenstreet : We met someone at a bar. Someone he owed something to.

  Quentin Coldwater : Maybe a battery?

  Emily Greenstreet : I don't know, honestly. It was a woman. Yeah, I really had to pee so I hit the ladies and I heard all this screaming. Next thing, he is hulking out of his clothes and he's getting all hairy. He's now full bear and he's just tearing the place apart.

  Quentin Coldwater : Right, but so you think it was that woman that-...

  Emily Greenstreet : If it was and you find her, could you rip her fucking face off? Cause now I'm married to a zoo animal.

• Kady Orloff-Diaz : The Hedges, they're all going crazy with rumors that magic is happening all over the city. Central Park sex magic make-out sessions devolving into orgy.

  Josh Hoberman : Fuck. Why didn't I ever do that?

  Kady Orloff-Diaz : And at St. Brennan's, someone conjured a dinosaur. Yeah, I mean, both places, the rumor is, it's a female magician. White, 30s, a little off her rocker.

  Quentin Coldwater : Uh, okay, well we should split up and cover both.

  Kady Orloff-Diaz : Yeah.

  Josh Hoberman : You're taking sex magic, aren't you?

• Josh Hoberman : I just need to know the action plan, okay? If I do find her, do I, what, just grab the battery? Even if she's using it at that exact moment to save Penny? And even if saving Penny means the battery's dead?

  Julia Wicker : Or the battery has enough juice to save Penny and help us, she just doesn't want me to have it. I mean, which I totally get, from her perspective. Only I'm not her, I'm me, and I'm trying to fix the whole fuckness that is the universe.

  Quentin Coldwater : Look, let's just find her, and then we'll figure out all the moral Jenga.