The Magicians (TV Series)

Heroes and Morons (2018)

Hale Appleman: Eliot Waugh

Quotes 

• Eliot Waugh : Ugh, god. What a cliche.

  Margo Hanson : The baby that becomes a teenager practically overnight?

  Eliot Waugh : Right? Angel.

  Margo Hanson : Twilight.

  Eliot Waugh : Buffy.

  Margo Hanson : Technically, Buffy's sister was never a baby. She just appeared out of nowhere. And oh my god. Two months without dick and I sound like Quentin.

• Margo Hanson : What you're doing is very heroic. Now, I mean that. But what's the difference between a live hero and a dead moron?

  Eliot Waugh : Food tasters?

  Margo Hanson : No... One dumb decision. So when it's be brave or be smart... You know which one, okay?

• Fen : I know you have your doubts, but she has your eyes.

  Eliot Waugh : In that she has two facing forward, yes, she's got my eyes.

  Fen : She's ours. I feel it. You don't?

  Eliot Waugh : I want to. I do. But all I know is that she is huge for a two-month-old.

• Eliot Waugh : So we're out of dough. Moola. Chedda. Money, people. Magic's gone. We can't even control the gold-shitting beetles anymore now that they've declared themselves free and disappeared. We're about to be a third-world country on a planet with two-and-a-half countries.

• Eliot Waugh : Off your storm warning, I was expecting a Kanye-level diva, but I'm not even getting a whiff of Atty-Patty.

  Tick Pickwick : Don't be fooled, Sire. To use your parlance, this boat can be a bit of an Ass-ditch.

  Eliot Waugh : [Confused]  Ass-ditch?

  Tick Pickwick : Ass-trench? Grave?

  Eliot Waugh : No.

  Tick Pickwick : Hole. Asshole!

  [Boats knocks hum into the water] 

• Margo Hanson : She has a quality.

  Eliot Waugh : Called unearned imperiousness.

  Margo Hanson : Your defining characteristic.

  [Eliot gives her a dirty look] 

  Margo Hanson : Until you earned it.

• Fray : You told my queen you came to collect taxes; you just came for that key. Why?

  Fen : It's gold. And magic. Maybe the only magic anywhere. What could be more valuable than that?

  Fray : I'm not sure I believe you.

  Fen : And I can't believe I finally get to say this.

  [Puts on a stern tone] 

  Fen : Don't talk back to your father and me.

  [Smiles] 

  Fen : That felt nice, didn't it?

  Fray : I am here to assure that-...

  Eliot Waugh : My turn. Go to your room.

  [She storms off] 

  Fen : We're a family.

  Eliot Waugh : Well, we are certainly fucked up enough to be.

• Eliot Waugh : Only a creature from the land TV forgot would think anybody would fall for how shocking and original this is.

  Margo Hanson : So you don't think Fray is your daughter?

  Eliot Waugh : Do you see any resemblance?

  Margo Hanson : I see your wife swooning.

  Eliot Waugh : Three hours ago, my wife was burping a log.

• Eliot Waugh : The Muntjac is the fastest boat in our ancient, leaky fleet, and the best way to reach the Outer Islands, where taxes haven't been collected in...

  Tick Pickwick : 46 years, 3 months, and 7 days.

  Eliot Waugh : So let's just be clear here about how government works. We can't do anything without money. Now, if there are any dissenting opinions as to my royal order...

  [They all put up their hands] 

  Eliot Waugh : ... I will remind the Council that this is not a democracy.

• Eliot Waugh : She is a spy for the Faerie Queen. It's probably better if she's not our daughter.

  Fen : All my life I've wanted a family of my own and I know this isn't ideal. We've missed so much with her, but it's not her fault. She needs the one thing in life she's never had.

  Eliot Waugh : Manners?

  Fen : Love.

• Eliot Waugh : I hereby declare After Island a province of Fillory!

  [Silence] 

  Eliot Waugh : Hello. I'm your new king.

  [Still silence] 

  Eliot Waugh : No need to bow or cheer. I have an extremely healthy self-image.

  [Goes up to a man] 

  Eliot Waugh : Um, where's your leader? Governor? Mayor? Tin pot dictator?