Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.36 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : PolitiFact tabulates that Hillary says something at least somewhat false 27% of the time. You know who's at 28%? Bernie, the ultimate straight shooter. 27 is pretty good for a politician. Trump is at 71. His pants are a raging wildfire that cannot be contained.

  [audience laughter] 

  Himself - Host : She lies about a quarter of the time. He's Donald Trump, so he grabs her pussy and says her pussy fell on his hand.

• Himself - Host : This was all over the news today, giant story. The FBI found some more Hillary e-mails, so they're re-opening the investigation. Great, huh? Hillary's e-mails are like unreleased Tupac songs.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Just when you think they have them all, they found a few more. And you'll never believe where they found these new ones. On Anthony Weiner's computer. I'm not making that up. On Anthony Weiner's computer. No one thought to look among the dick pics.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Oh, that's where the e-mails are!" Now, for those of you who are not political junkies, you might be asking "Why? Why on Anthony Weiner's computer?". Because Anthony Weiner's under investigation; that's right. Yeah, man, I don't bullshit here.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, Anthony Wiener's under investigation for sexting with a underage girl across state lines, so the FBI seized all his computers. He is married, or was married, to Huma Abedin, who is Hillary Clinton's aide, and they were using the same computer, which begs my first question: why was Huma using Anthony's computer if one thing she didn't want to go near, it would be his computer. Uh... so, Hillary's e-mails are intermingled with Anthony Weiner's sexting? No wonder why she had her server wiped. I'd have it boiled.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, you know, this... this is the world we live in now. Hillary Clinton's aide's estranged husband is a freak, so we get to read Hillary Clinton's e-mails. I wish Hillary would send a text to Donald Trump. Maybe then we would see his taxes.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And... and, you know, we don't know what is in these e-mails, maybe nothing. James Comey, the director of the FBI, he's the one who made this announcement today. He said they appear pertinent, but quote "I can't say that they're significant." Well, take your time, man. There's nothing riding on it.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean, it's so ironic. Weiner's one excuse when he was just sexting was he never actually fucked anyone. Well, now he has: planet Earth.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And, you know, I... I don't know if Weiner's dick is big, but it certainly casts a long shadow. I'll say that.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Wait a second. I do know his dick is big. We've all seen it a hundred times.

• Himself - Host : New rule: the stall for your Black Republican Committee has to have at least one black person in it.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Even worse, if you look at the picture, it looks like there may have been a black person there before and now the white people are trying to decide who made the offensive remark that made him leave.

• Himself - Host : New rule: this Halloween, certain people are not allowed to give out certain candies because it's just a little too on the nose. Like Donald Trump can't give out Tic-Tacs.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Don Trump, Jr. can't give out Skittles.

  [laughter and groans] 

  Himself - Host : Melania can't give out Sugar Daddies.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Chris Christie can't give out Jelly Bellies.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And Anthony Weiner can't give out hard candy.

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: presidential debates need some new rules. Starting with each candidate gets three times in the debate when they can call "Let's go to the videotape." So...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : So that when this happens...

  [footage of Trump at the debate denying he made fun of a handicapped reporter] 

  Himself - Host : She can throw the red flag in his orange face and say "Wrong? Tape, please."

  [footage of Trump making fun of said reporter] 

  Himself - Host : Maybe if people can actually see Trump saying one thing a second after he claimed the opposite, they'd stop pretending there's any other in this election, Rick, than to vote for Hillary Clinton.