Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.31 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: both candidates must sign a pledge that whoever loses the election in November, whether it's Hillary or whether it's orange Hitler...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I play it fair and balanced. The loser has to congratulate the winner and concede graciously. Why? Because civility is nearly dead in this country, and we need to return to some basic level of bipartisan decency and respect for our opponents. Otherwise, we're gonna end up being governed by those good for nothing assholes on the other side.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You see? 'Cause I just...

  Herself - Guest : Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-huh.

  Himself - Host : As long as one person is there with you.

• Himself - Host : Now, you may not think that something as simple as congratulating your opponent should rise to the level of a campaign issue, but if you want to know why our country is so tense and our government doesn't work, it's because society functions on some basic rules of conduct, and they're all going away. It's why filibustering has become not a rare, principled protest but the everyday, automatic cockblocking that defines government now. Ted Cruz filibustered Obamacare for nearly a day by reading "Green Eggs and Ham", a book about how you might like something if you give it a chance.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It's why Republicans who claim to worship the Constitution can now just ignore their duty in filling a Supreme Court vacancy. And speaking of the Supreme Court, which used to stay supremely out of partisan bickering, it's why Ruth Bader Ginsberg - yes, even sweet, scholarly, grandmotherly Ruth Bader Ginsberg - talked trash about Trump this year like she was in a rap battle.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That man can bring out the worst in anyone. But I have to tell you, Donald Trump didn't create this swamp. He just rose from it. He and Hillary...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : He and Hillary are the first two candidates in memory not to call and congratulate each other after they won their respective races. Forever, that is what people did; even Al Gore called George W. Bush after he lost, and he didn't even lose!

• Himself - Host : In the Senate, members used to refer to each other as "my friend from the other side of the aisle". They didn't mean it literally, of course; no one actually thinks of Ted Cruz as a friend.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But you say it anyway. It's like in a marriage; occasionally to keep things functional, you have to tell little lies, like "You're more handsome bald", or...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ..."I'm dying to hear about your day", or "I love it that you only blow me on my birthday. It makes it special."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But in politics, we've forgotten how to do that. Lie, not blow each other.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : We still know how to do that.

• Himself - Host : Did it break down when we decided it was okay to say that the president was a Kenyan spy baby? It didn't help. Neither did when someone shouted out "You lie!" at the State of the Union. And it's only gotten worse. A Republican Senator this year called Obama a drug dealer. The governor of Maine left a voice message for one of his political opponents calling him a socialist cocksucker. Even within the party they do it. Alan Grayson lost a Democratic primary in Florida last month, refused to endorse the guy who beat him, and then called him a Republican. Now, come on. Call a guy a traitor or a cocksucker...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But not a Republican.

• Himself - Host : I keep saying this election is a referendum on decency. It's a chance to reject the gutter and punish people who want to live there. but right now, we are rewarding them. The guy who said "You lie!", the next day donations poured into his coffers because now in America, when you act like an asshole, you're a hero. This is what Parliament looks like on a bad day in the Ukraine.

  [a clip is shown of Parliament members in a fistfight] 

  Himself - Host : And here's the Turkish parliament.

  [another clip of a fistfight is shown] 

  Himself - Host : And the one in South Korea.

  [a clip is shown of a Parliament member rolling and flipping another member over his head] 

  Himself - Host : And the one in Nepal.

  [a fourth clip is shown of members smashing furniature] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, we laugh at it, but that is where we're headed. Because the real infectious disease that's threatening our election isn't pneumonia. It's a total lack of class.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : This is supposed to be a democracy, not a bum fight. Let's leave the eye gouging to the pageant moms and the hair pulling to the Italians. Just a little decency for old times' sake, so the neighbors don't think we're trash. 'Cause we haven't built that wall yet, and the Mexicans can hear everything.