Upstart Crow (TV Series)

The Play's the Thing (2016)

David Mitchell: Will

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Quotes 

• Anne : There's plenty of drama in real life. If you want to write tragedy, why not write about the plague?

  Will : The plague? Huh, yes. I can see people just flocking to watch a drama about crowds of the living dead, wandering around with their flesh falling off.

• John : Queen Elizabeth didn't chop Mary's head off herself, you daft wurzel. She were topped at Fotheringhay.

  Anne : Granddad is right, about the beheading. Queen Liz never done it.

  Will : Yes, my love, I am aware of the facts, but as a dramatist, I take the view that a fat man with an axe saying, 'Close your eyes, love', thwack, isn't quite as compelling theater as frigid Liz bitch-slapping her cutesome Caledonian cuz Mary in a bit of queen-on-queen action.

• Marlowe : So, whisper is you're writing another play? Good work that, man. I can't think how you find the energy.

  Will : Actually I have several on the go at present, alongside my teen romance. Mainly just ideas. 'The Taming of the Vole', which I quite like. 'Seventeen Gentlement of Verona'. That needs trimming. 'A Midsummer Night's Whimsical Old Tosh'. Still looking for the big idea there.

  Bottom : I've told ya, just say it's a dream. You can get away with any old dung balls if you say it's a dream.

  Will : Exactly, Bottom, and I hope my quill does wither on Miss Clucky's arse before I resort to such a lazy cop-out.

• Will : [quoting from his latest work]  'Blood red will be thy shroud!' And then a nobleman rushes in, 'majesty, I beseech thee, must not a queen this murder do.'

  Anne : Shouldn't that be, 'A queen must not do this murder'?

  Will : Well, yes, it should, but I always think a sentence sounds better if you mix up the words a bit. It's one of my best tricks.

  Susanna : Sounds really try-hard to me.

  Will : Or, put more poetically: 'to me sounds, hard try really'. See? Much better.

• Will : I am not going bald; I have low eyebrows.

  Anne : Yeah, my dumplings aren't droopy; I've just got a very high bellybutton.

• Will : And so am I like the fulsome cleavage of a buxom saucing wench.

  Greene : Meaning?

  Will : Much looked down upon.

• Will : [Shakespeare and Bottom are searching for a lost play]  It must be here somewhere!

  Bottom : Well, if it is, we can't find it.

  Will : True, it is beyond our skill. But there is a mystical species that can find anything.

  Bottom : Wood nymphs!

  Will : Don't be ridiculous.

  Bottom : Sorry.

  Will : Wood nymphs are treacherous creatures and would find my play only to put it on the fire to warm the toes of their sweethearts, the elves.

• Anne : By St. Cuthbert's codpiece, husband, do you not know anything about human nature?

  Will : Actually, I have a unique and timeless insight into the very heart of what it is to be human. It's absolutely what I do!

• Will : Your name is like a cold sore.

  Marlowe : Pardon?

  Will : It's on everybody's lips.