- Penny Hofstadter: [Penny's phone dings] Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That sounds fun.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy's phone dings] Oh no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
- Penny Hofstadter: What's it say?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: How's that a drunk text?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, he used a period instead of a question mark; he's so wasted.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm, uh... uuh going to be a father.
- Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali: Congratulations.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why 'oh no'?
- Sheldon Cooper: Because this *changes* everything. What about comic-book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Relax; there's room for two babies in this group.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear Lor- Penny's pregnant too?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're the other baby.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, really? OK, well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?
- Sheldon Cooper: I guess we'll call this a draw.
- [last lines]
- Penny Hofstadter: That was such a fun night.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. So, you ever think about it?
- Penny Hofstadter: Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I think we'd make amazing parents.
- Sheldon Cooper: Will you guys keep it down?
- [Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face]
- Penny Hofstadter: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
- [She picks up a magic marker]
- [first lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: Morning.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Morning.
- Howard Wolowitz: [reads Post-It note on the coffee maker] "We"? What is this?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know; maybe it says something on the back.
- Howard Wolowitz: "Continued on milk".
- [opening fridge]
- Howard Wolowitz: If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast it didn't work for my mom and it won't work for you.
- [reads note]
- Howard Wolowitz: "Are". We are..."See spoons for more."
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What could it be? We are Groot? We are the champions? We are family; I got all my sisters with me.
- Howard Wolowitz: [reads the third note] Are you serious?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah.
- Penny Hofstadter: You're not going to get fat. You're going to be beautiful and glowing and-and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch! Sorry, hormones.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was 'skinny'.
- Raj Koothrappali: I read that in Los Angeles raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
- Howard Wolowitz: A million dollars! Gah. It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.
- Howard Wolowitz: Do we get a nanny? And can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one cause it'll wreck our marriage. We can't get an ugly one cause it'll scare the kid.
- Howard Wolowitz: If it's a boy do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't it looks like a pig in a blanket.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'd like to propose a toast to our friend Howard, his um his big heart, his beautiful soul...
- Leonard Hofstadter: and his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry I freaked out this morning. I want you to know... I'm done being scared.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's OK to be nervous. I am too.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank God; cause I was lying; you might not have to wait nine months to see someone soil their pants.
- Sheldon Cooper: This place is terrific. Why- why have we never been here before?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff: you.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard and Bernadette] . You're kiddie' me! What kind of maniac has coitus in some else's bedroom?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where?
- Penny Hofstadter: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can't drink.
- Penny Hofstadter: We can, but all right.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you hungry? How about that sushi place you love?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Doctor said I can't have sushi.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, look, we don't have to go anywhere. We can just, you know, stay here and hang out in the hot tub.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Doctor said I can't go in the hot tub.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe you should get a new doctor.
- [Awkward pause]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What, he said you can't laugh either?
- Sheldon Cooper: Forget helium, the real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "don't tell momma" juice.
- Howard Wolowitz: Maybe that's an idea: guidance systems for drunk people.
- Raj Koothrappali: They have that, it's called Uber.
- Howard Wolowitz: Look at this.
- [takes the cocktail umbrella from his drink]
- Howard Wolowitz: I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn't have to worry about money; he can have all the kids he wants
- Sheldon Cooper: And keep a small portion of their heads dry.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It'll be fine, people have kids every day. You'll figure this out.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're right, it is. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, you know what we should do?
- Sheldon Cooper: All get vasectomies so this doesn't happen to us?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Go out and celebrate!
- [to Sheldon]
- Leonard Hofstadter: But not your worst idea.
- Howard Wolowitz: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
- Howard Wolowitz: And then there's this nose. I mean... What if he looks like me? Or worse... what if she looks like me?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything's going to change. Howard won't be able to come over as much.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, he could bring the baby here.
- Sheldon Cooper: Then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment. Yeah, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.
- Howard Wolowitz: how expensive having a kid is?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
- Howard Wolowitz: A million dollars? It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.
- Penny Hofstadter: You get to buy toys and little clothes.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I kind of already do that for Howie.