- Michael Ammar: Name any card.
- Billy Crystal: Uhh... queen of hearts.
- Michael Ammar: OK, queen of hearts. What a - that's an often-chosen card; let me make sure that we have it in here. I don't necessarily...
- Billy Crystal: My character.
- Michael Ammar: play with a full deck.
- Billy Crystal: Well, I played it on "Soap", so I figured I'd...
- Billy Crystal: Where I live, I have - I don't have cable. I had a cheap company - Bob's Cable.
- Johnny Carson: Bob's Cable?
- Billy Crystal: Yeah. We had, uh... "Death of a Salesman" with Gabe Kaplan as Willy Loman.
- Billy Crystal: [imitating small-town wrestlers] Friday night, me and my brother are gonna refry your beans, Gomez - it won't be pretty.
- Billy Crystal: [as his character Buddy Young Jr] Don't get me started - this whole videocassette bit. You can buy them anyplace! No, they're in the dry cleaners - hello, Ed; how are ya? You can buy - no, it's true! My wife comes home from the gynecologist - she says, "Buddy, I got cystitis and Amadeus."... Wait! I said, "Is it serious?" She says, "Parts of it - but the music is beautiful, I'll tell ya that!"
- Billy Crystal: We shot that on Sundays in Chicago. Four months... freezing cold. My nipples have been hard for, like, fuhgeddaboudit.
- Johnny Carson: You don't know much about guns, though - I mean... right?
- Billy Crystal: No, no - I'm Jewish; we - we tend to be furriers, not hunters.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: English is a funny language. I'll tell you. Here is Conan the Barbarian. He says two words - "I do" - and he becomes Arnold the Meek.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: [on his wedding] The more I got into it, the more nervous I got. I'll tell you, it was - it was an experience. But it was a lot of fun; I enjoyed it very much.
- Johnny Carson: I always have.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: I couldn't imagine to get up and not go to the gym. It's like breakfast, lunch and dinner, or going to bed.
- Michael Ammar: You take the bill, and hold it under the flame.
- [he holds a lighter near the $100 bill]
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Wait a minute - I worked for one minute in a movie for that.