- [Fearless Leader shows Boris a top-secret sketch of the ultimate weapon for world domination]
- Boris Badenov: [dumbfounded] That's a weapon?
- Fearless Leader: That's *the* weapon.
- Boris Badenov: But that's just a derby hat!
- Fearless Leader: Not just *a* derby hat, Badenov. This is the Kirward Derby!
- Boris Badenov: The Kirward Derby?
- Fearless Leader: [covering Boris's mouth] Quiet you fool!
- Boris Badenov: [whispering] The Kirward Derby?
- Fearless Leader: [whispering] Jawohl!
- Narrator: And Fearless Leader told Boris the legend of the fabulous bowler... The Kirward Derby had first been owned by a cave dweller many eons ago, who put it on and said...
- Caveman: Pardon me, my dear. I've got something to do.
- Caveman's Wife: Like what?
- Caveman: I'm going to invent the wheel!
- Narrator: And he did! Later on, it was owned by a man named Aristotle, who, one day in his bath, cried...
- Aristotle: Eureka! I have found it!
- Narrator: You've found Aristotle's law of displacement and specific gravity?
- Aristotle: No, you idiot. I found the soap!
- Narrator: The Kirward Derby was worn by Philip of Macedonia when *he* conquered the world, and by Genghis Khan when *he* conquered the world, and by Julius Caesar when *he* conquered the world, and by Elvis Presley when *he* - Oh, never mind. It disappeared for a time, but its last known owner was a Princeton College professor, who put it on and said...
- Einstein: Of course. E equals M C-squared. Why didn't I think of that before?
- Narrator: Yes, the Kirward Derby turns anyone who wears it into the smartest man in the world!
- [Boris, posing as Felonious Floy, greets Rocky and Bullwinkle]
- Boris Badenov: What'll it be strangers?
- Rocket J. Squirrel: [skeptical] *You're* Felonious Floy?
- Boris Badenov: Don't I *look* like Felonious Floy?
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: You look more like a dry mop.
- Rocket J. Squirrel: We were running away from Devil Dan Hatful.
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Yeah, and come to think of it, you look an awful lot like him.
- Boris Badenov: Actual, we're cousins, twice removed.
- Rocket J. Squirrel: Twice removed?
- Boris Badenov: Once to Sing Sing, once to Alcatraz.
- Rocket J. Squirrel: I don't like this a bit, Bullwinkle.
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: I agree! He must have terrible writers.
- Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes were lying stunned in the vegetable cellar underneath the house.
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Where - Where am I?
- Rocket J. Squirrel: In a vegetable cellar. Didn't you hear the man?
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: What? Speak up!
- Rocket J. Squirrel: You've got carrots in your ears!
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: What?
- Rocket J. Squirrel: I said you've got carrots in your ears!
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: I can't hear a thing! I got these carrots in my ears!
- [from the "Bullwinkle's Corner" segment, "My Grandfather's Clock"]
- Rocket J. Squirrel: Your grandfather's dead, Bullwinkle?
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Not exactly. He just sorta disappeared, but that doesn't rhyme so good.
- Rocket J. Squirrel: And the clock hasn't run all these years, huh?
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Whaddya mean "all these years"? He disappeared yesterday!
- Rocket J. Squirrel: Yesterday! And the clock stopped? Hey, do you suppose...?
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Uh-oh. Lemme open her up.
- [Bullwinkle unlocks the base of the grandfather clock and looks inside, coming face to face with his missing grandfather]
- Bullwinkle J. Moose: Grampa! It's you!
- Grampa Moose: [stepping out of the clock] You were expecting, maybe, John Cameron Swayze?
- Fearless Leader: At last, Pottsylvania is close to having the ultimate weapon with which we can rule the world!
- Boris Badenov: Sounds yummy. What is it?
- Fearless Leader: I have here a special, high-leveled, top secret, confidential sketch of the ultimate weapon. Can you be trusted, Badenov?
- Boris Badenov: [crosses fingers behind his back] Can I be trusted? I swear it.
- Fearless Leader: [points gun at Boris] Then uncross your fingers!
- Boris Badenov: [chuckles] Force of habit, boss man.
- Fearless Leader: [about Bullwinkle] He is the dumbest creature in the world, so he is the only one who could lead us to the Kirward Derby.
- Boris Badenov: That means he's... he's worth millions to us!
- Fearless Leader: Billions! Where is he, Badenov?
- Boris Badenov: He's right in the cellar, Fearless Leader.
- Fearless Leader: Then who is that about to get his head blown off?
- [Fearless Leader points to Bullwinkle outside in front of a cannon]
- [upon noticing Bullwinkle in front of Little Orvie]
- Fearless Leader: If the moose dies, our plan dies.
- Boris Badenov: How about that?
- Fearless Leader: And if the plan dies, Pottsylvania dies.
- Boris Badenov: How about that?
- Fearless Leader: And if Pottsylvania dies, You die!
- Boris Badenov: [trembling] How about that?