Scream Queens (TV Series)

Mommie Dearest (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hester Ulrich : I was rooting through Zayday's drawers and look what I found. Zayday is on the pill.

  Chanel Oberlin : That's not a clue.

  Hester Ulrich : But guess who else is on the pill? Grace. And if you look closely here, you can see that their cycles are synced. And you know what else is synced? Their thirst for murder! I mean, you know what they say: Those who pill together kill together.

  Chanel Oberlin : No one in all of human history has ever said that.

• Chanel #5 : I know for a fact that Zayday is the murderer and she's planning on killing again. If you rearrange the letters in Zayday Williams' name, you get "I may slay Liz Daw!"

  Chanel Oberlin : What? Who is Liz Daw?

  Chanel #5 : I don't know, but clearly Zayday is contemplating slaying her!

• Chanel Oberlin : Looks like the bitch apple doesn't fall far from the bitch tree.

• Chanel Oberlin : First of all, I'm an American. I don't have to understand anything.

• Chanel Oberlin : You have to prove that Zayday and that pencil-necked Grace are the killers, and do it fast!

  Detective Chiselhurst : You do realize we're detectives from Scotland Yard?

  Chanel Oberlin : Um, yeah! Duh!

  Detective Baxter : Therefore we have no jurisdiction in the United States.

• Chanel #5 : Chanel, she's wearing my clothes! She's wearing my underwear!

  Chanel Oberlin : Oh shut up, #5. Your underwear is probably relieved to be touching actual human genitals.

• Chanel Oberlin : [to her clueless minions]  I guess it's like Daddy always says: "If you want something done right, pay someone a lot of money to do it for you." Now, why don't you all strap on some oat-bags and go poop huge green turds in the street like the sad old mares you are?

• Detective Chiselhurst : Miss Oberlin, you have to understand the only reason we're here is because we were told you had information regarding a death threat against the Duchess of Cambridge.

  Chanel Oberlin : First of all, I'm an American. I don't have to understand anything. And furthermore, I do have information regarding a death threat against the Duchess of Cambridge. If you don't prove that Zayday and Grace are the killers, I'm gonna kill the Duchess myself!

• Chanel Oberlin : What am I supposed to do, apologize?

  Denise Hemphill : That's exactly what I want you to do.

  Chanel Oberlin : Over my rich, hot, dead body.

• Denise Hemphill : You can't go around insultin' somebody's mama. Even if she was the worst bitch in the world, you can't go around sayin' it to everybody!

  Chanel Oberlin : But her mother was the worst bitch in the world.

• Chanel Oberlin : Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my boyfriend, Chad Radwell. Tonight's our "Night of 1000 Compliments" night.

  Chanel #3 : What does that mean?

  Chanel Oberlin : We sit across from one another fully clothed and he compliments me a thousand times.

• [Chad attempts to compliment Chanel a thousand times] 

  Chad Radwell : You got a hot mouth.

  Chanel Oberlin : Thank you.

  Chad Radwell : That mouth would look even better if it was kissin' all over my ripplin' pecks and my rock-hard abs.

  Chanel Oberlin : Okay, Chad, that's you complimenting yourself.

  Chad Radwell : That outfit? Amazing!

  Chanel Oberlin : Thank you!

  Chad Radwell : That outfit, it would look even better just rolled up in a little ball in the corner of my bedroom.

  Chanel Oberlin : Okay, Chad, that's not a compliment.

  Chad Radwell : That outfit looks super-absorbent, enough to wipe down this hot bod after an hour-long bone sess.

  Chanel Oberlin : These aren't compliments, Chad!

  Chad Radwell : Look, I'm trying!

• Chanel Oberlin : This is an outrage! My whole life is ruined! Kappa House is officially done, which means we can't throw anymore awesome parties were people almost die or actually die, which means I can't be popular and Chad is going to leave me!

• Chanel Oberlin : I'm a work in progress, okay? Maybe I have to get all this bitch out me before I can be the real me.

• Chanel Oberlin : Your mother changed her name from Bethany Stevens to Mary Mulligan in a feeble attempt to put the sins of her youth behind her. But I guess popping you out drove her off the deep end, because that's where her criminal record gets really interesting. She was arrested for shoplifting, petty larceny, grand larceny, drunk driving with a baby in her lap, drunk driving with a baby on top of her car, and possession of methamphetamine with intention to distribute. Obviously appalled, your douchebag father sued for custody and won. Your saint of a mother died a year later. She was driving drunk, obviously, and decided to wrap her car around a tree.

  Grace Gardner : That's a lie. My dad said that she died in a fire.

  Chanel Oberlin : Fiery car crash. He probably wanted to spare you the pain of finding out who your skank mom really was.

• Chanel Oberlin : Maybe the reason we came into each other's lives is to help us deal with our mom stuff. You by pretending to be nice and innocent so I can see what I bitch I am, and me by telling you about your real mom and how heroically awful she was.