Scream Queens (TV Series)

Beware of Young Girls (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chanel #5 : Well, I found this old talking board in the basement.

  Chanel Oberlin : Those things don't work!

  Hester Ulrich : Yes, they do. Didn't you see the movie?

  Chanel Oberlin : The movie Ouija? No! No one did!

• Chanel Oberlin : See, this is why you turdlets need me. You're not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president. Newsflash, felchers: rat poison only works because because rodents don't have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison they would immediately puke it all up; so not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier.

• Chanel Oberlin : Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her.

• Chanel #2 : See, despite what you heard, Hell sucks, it's not fun. Yes, there are water slides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee. Also, zero dinosaurs.

  Chanel Oberlin : There's no dinosaurs?

  Chanel #2 : No. As soon as I got there, I was like: "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like: "We know. Jesus broke in and stole them."

• Chanel Oberlin : Okay, so how's this supposed to work?

  Chanel #3 : We all put our hands on this thing called a planchette and promise not to move it. Chanel #2's spirit will move it after we contact her.

  Chanel Oberlin : What if Chanel #2 is busy getting Eiffel Towered by Hitler and Satan?

• [the Chanels prepare to use a Ouija Board] 

  Chanel Oberlin : This board looks evil.

  Chanel #5 : What are you talking about? It has two dancing demons, a dead old lady and cute little pentagrams.

• [first lines] 

  Chanel Oberlin : [narrating]  I think I figured out what my problem is. I'm way too nice. As soon as Chanel #2's parents learned that their daughter's dead body had been found, they went on a cruise to celebrate. That's how much they hated the dead bitch. So when it fell to me to host an open-casket funeral as if her dying wish had been to be cremated and shot in the face, I was like "Yeah! Okay!" So stupid.

  Chanel Oberlin : [to the displayed corpse as she puts a white rose onto it]  This is what happens to sneaky back-stabbers.

  [coldly blows kiss] 

  Chanel #3 : [respectfully places another white rose on the corpse]  Just so you know I took all your clothes.

  Chanel #5 : [placing another rose]  It's too bad you had to die.. before we found out what ethnicity you are.

• Chanel Oberlin : So, have fun being dead, Number Two. You are a stupid, little trollop and I hope you're burning in hell right now! Amen.

• Chanel Oberlin : This dumb, dead whore also used her high-ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her. So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man - you end up dead!

• [Chanel finds Chad lying in bed in his underwear, holding a goat] 

  Chad Radwell : Chanel, this is not what it looks like.

  Chanel Oberlin : Are you having sex with a goat? We had a promise, Chad! You looked me in the eye and promised you would try to be monogamous!

  Chad Radwell : Uh, yeah, huh-doi, Chanel! I have been monogamous! Yes, I've looked at a ton of porn. Yes, I've been rubbing one out every five to ten minutes. But no, Chanel, I've not cheated on you.

• Chanel Oberlin : Chanel #2 told me from beyond the grave that you were cheating and then I catch you in bed with a farm animal!

  Chad Radwell : Hey, she is not a farm animal! Her name is Rammy and she is a non-human helper companion!

• Chanel Oberlin : [the Chanels are using a ouija board to contact the spirit of Chanel #2]  If this really is Chanel #2, then she'll know the answer to the real question. Chanel #2, who's killing everybody?

  Chanel #5 : [the planchette being used spells out the word 'You']  She says you are.

  Chanel Oberlin : That's it! I am done with this dead, lying bitch! I'm done with you, Number Two! Have fun in Hell, going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.

• Hester Ulrich : [eyes raised to ceiling]  Chanel #2, if this is really you... use your magical *dead* powers to tell me how many tampons I have in my purse.

  [the marker shifts to '9'] 

  Hester Ulrich : Oh, my God, she is right! She is right!

  [takes out the whole lot and displays them on the Ouija board] 

  Chanel Oberlin : [with distaste]  Why do you have nine tampons? How big is your cooch?