- Denise Hemphill: The point is there there's a missing girl, blood on the floor, and she's tweeting "Oh, hey, just want y'all to know I'm getting murdered," and y'all standing here like, "Ooh, I wonder what happened?" The girl is dead!
- Denise Hemphill: Of course it's blood. In my experience, any time somebody asks, "Oh, I wonder if that's blood," it's almost always blood. I mean, you know how many times it's, like, ketchup? Zero percent of the time.
- Chanel Oberlin: I just, I want us to be together. All I ask is that maybe you'll have sex with a smaller number of people.
- Chad Radwell: Do you understand how controlling that is, Chanel?
- Chanel Oberlin: This closet is the most precious thing in my life. It's like a second vagina to me, so you sneaking in here and rifling through my clothes is a heinous violation! You have violated my closet vag.
- Chanel #5: Look, Chanel, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm sort of over this whole "serial murderer" thing that's going on right now. Last night, I had an amazing threesome with Roger and Dodger, and I realized that I'd rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot golf frat twins than help you figure out who's murdering a bunch of dumb gashes!
- Chanel Oberlin: Ok, pledges, line up for tonight's festivities. We're gonna play a game called "Cocaine or Dildo."
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Ooh, that sounds fun but also kind of like hazing and illegal in, like, what, six different ways.
- Hester Ulrich: Growing up, all I wanted to be was a fashion girl... and then tragedy struck!
- Chanel Oberlin: Is that how you got in that hellacious neckbrace? Was there an accident?
- Hester Ulrich: No, severe scoliosis. It stunted my growth.
- Denise Hemphill: There is a psycho killing people. He killed my dear friend and Secure Enforcement Solutions colleague Shondell. Stabbed that girl right in the face! She wasn't that cute to begin with, but that ain't the point.
- Chanel #3: My dad is not my real dad. See, my mom is crazy and always thinks aliens are talking to her, and the year before I was born she started corresponding with this really bad man who's in prison because he's responsible for the deaths of, like, A LOT of people. And my mom evidently arranged conjugal visits with this guy and so last year I took a DNA test and I found out this guy's my real father.
- Sam: Who's the guy?
- Chanel #3: Charles Manson.
- Chanel #3: If and when the next murder happens, I need an alibi to prove it could not have been me... which it won't be because I'm not the killer. But no one knows when or where the next murder will happen, but when it does, I need you to be my alibi. And I can be your alibi too. We'll be alibi buddies... alibibidies... alibibi...
- Sam: I think alibuddies.
- Zayday Williams: I'm freakin' starvin'! There is food NOWHERE in Kappa House. I guess it makes sense, the cook did get her face fried off.
- Grace Gardner: The Chanels have started eating cottonballs. #3 says it keeps 'em from being hungry.
- Zayday Williams: Can you get some syrup to dip the ranch chips in?
- Grace Gardner: You want to put syrup on chips? You can't be serious, right?
- Chanel Oberlin: I don't understand! Where is #2's body? Is she alive? Is she dead? Who is stealing all these bodies?
- Chanel #5: Don't ask me! I'm not the killer! I was just bored, so I came out here to look at #2's frozen, dead body and lo and behold, she's not here.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Do yourself a favor. Stay away from my man. Wes and I are kind of an item, and I call dibs.
- Gigi Caldwell: You can't call dibs on a person.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Let's tell each other how we feel about one another. Find that tortured gay kid in your life and hold them close tonight.
- Grace Gardner: So neither of you have seen Sonya or heard from her?
- Mrs. Herfmann: Not in several weeks.
- Denise Hemphill: And are you sure she's not hidin' out in your house somewhere and you haven't found her because your house is so damn big?
- Chad Radwell: Why do you even care how many people I sleep with? Okay, I always wear protection and it's not like I love these chicks.
- Chanel Oberlin: You-you love me?
- Chad Radwell: That is not what I said!
- Chanel Oberlin: You love me!
- Chad Radwell: Stop saying that!
- Wes Gardner: We've all been traumatized. And what we do with the hurt from that trauma defines who we are. Do we look inward and heal or do we take that hurt and turn it into anger and take it out on the world?
- Chad Radwell: I say we do the opposite of Take Back the Night. I say we get 'roided up, find a bunch of baseball bats and roam around the streets, yelling the Red Devil's name until he comes out and fights us. Because, in the ghetto, if you walk around with baseball bats yelling the Red Devil's name, they have to come out and fight you. Believe me, there's a whole code. Now let's pop some gym candy!
- Chanel #3: There's a murderer on the loose and no one knows who it is and if someone found out my dad is Charles Manson, everyone would immediately assume the killer is me... which it isn't.
- Grace Gardner: Hey, #5, we've been doing some snooping about Chanel #2. Did you know she secretly dated Chad Radwell last year?
- Chanel #5: What?
- Zayday Williams: I know, shocking! Can you believe she did something like that to Chanel?
- Chanel #5: Well, Chanel's a bitch who deserves whatever's coming to her. I just can't believe that Chad didn't tell me. I mean, we were dating too.
- Chanel #3: Chad Radwell? I dated him too last year.
- Grace Gardner: Okay, wait. You both went out with your friend's boyfriend behind her back?
- Chanel #5: Well, to be fair, we only went on one date and it was really weird. Like, he made me just watch him play with his knife collection the whole time. I mean, I still slept with him but my heart wasn't into it.
- Chad Radwell: It's just blowin' my mind, man! I can't believe my best friend Boone is dead.
- Earl Grey: You know, I heard the coroner calling Boone's death a suicide. It's a bloody tragedy.
- Chad Radwell: Yeah, well, it was really bloody. I don't know, man, it's just one of those things in life that just hits you so hard, and you think to yourself, "Wow, it's gonna be *weeks* before I really truly get over this."
- Chanel Oberlin: [in the walk-in freezer] Where is Number Two's body? Is she alive? Is she dead? Who is stealing all these bodies?
- Chanel #5: Don't ask me. I'm not the killer. I was just bored. So I came down here to take another look at Number Two's frozen dead body, and look and behold, she's not here. Look, Chanel, I'm gonna be honest with you. Sort of over this whole... serial murder thing that's going on right now. Last night, I had an amazing threesome with Roger and Dodger, and I realized that I'd rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot golf frat twins than help you figure out who's murdering a bunch of dumb gashes!
- Chanel Oberlin: [yells] What are you saying?
- Chanel #5: You heard me. I got Eiffel Towered by hot morons who are brothers. And now, I'm out! It occurred to me that I don't really care where Chanel #2 is. *You're* the president, which means it's *your* problem. I'd hop to it if I were you, because pretty soon, folks are gonna start noticing she's missing, and they're gonna start snooping.
- [turns to leave]
- Chanel Oberlin: Don't you walk away from me, Number Five!
- [#5 just smirks, goes off]
- Chanel Oberlin: I will destroy you, bitch!
- Chanel Oberlin: Chad? Chad, I need to talk to you! It is... so sad about Boone, isn't it? Are... are you okay?
- [strokes his face]
- Chanel Oberlin: I mean, how are you feeling?
- Chad Radwell: Ah, I don't know. How do you think I'm feeling, Chanel? My best friend in the world, who used to compliment me all the time, was murdered. So... news flash! I'm super sad.
- Chanel Oberlin: I wanna be the one who tells you how awesome you are all the time.
- Chad Radwell: Oh, you had your chance, you know, and you ruined it... when... you started freaking out when I said I wanna have sex with your corpse.
- Chanel Oberlin: I know, okay, and I'm... *so* sorry. I just... I want us to be together. All I ask is that maybe you have sex with a smaller number of people.
- Chad Radwell: Wha-? Do you understand... how controlling that is, Chanel?
- [shakes his head]
- Chad Radwell: I know you're not a psych major, so you're not gonna really process what I'm telling you right now, but what you just said is literally pathological.
- [sputters]
- Chad Radwell: Why do you even care how many people I sleep with, okay? I always wear protection, and it's not like I love these chicks.
- Chanel Oberlin: You... you love me?
- Chad Radwell: [high-pitched squeal] That's not what I said!
- Chanel Oberlin: You love me.