ANI: A Parody (2014)

Christopher Sandberg: Ani

Quotes 

• Ani : It's a double meaning! A humorous play on words, and... that's where the comedy comes in.

  [repeated line] 

• Ani : You guys like Star Wars jokes?

  [repeated line] 

• Ani : Wesa going home!

• Ani : Why don't you ask me where I got my new cape.

  [Shuffles through index cards] 

  Motti : Uh... where did you...

  Ani : At the darth mall.

• Ani : I was thinking, once they're both done, we take the two death stars, we latch them together, to make a giant... pair of tatties.

• Ani : Hey Tarky, what do you call a guy that drinks too much java? Like he drinks so much java he gets all fat like a slug and he can't move? What do you call him?

  Tarkin : [pause]  Yes, well, I think I know the punchline, but it's so stupid I almost don't want to say it out loud.

• Ani : Alright, let's just pop in the old home movies.

  [pulls out a VHS of Star Wars Episode I] 

• Ani : Has anyone ever screwed up and said that? They'd be like, "Hey! Quit Tarkin all the muff! Has anyone ever done that?

  Tarkin : [Glares at Ani]  Yes, well actually, you've yelled that at me a number of times.

• Ani : What the hell is this? Screw you, Obi-Wan! I just like to fast forward to the Jar Jar parts.

• Ani : Sometimes I'll be talking to these kids, and I'll make a joke about Dash Rendar, for example, and they'll look at me like I'm from outer space.

• Ani : I mean, don't get me wrong. I butchered my fair share of defenseless Sandpeople. Then I cried about it.

  [pause] 

  Ani : I also choked my pregnant wife to death. I cried about that too.

  Mara : Eww. Ani. I would've rather not known any of that.

• Tarkin : Oh, they're coming over here! Please pretend I've said something very humorous!

  Ani : Got it.

  [laughs loudly] 

  Ani : You're right, the Death Star does look like a huge tit!

• Ani : Hey, where you going? This guy likes ya. He's the Casanova of Coruscant. He's Tarkin all the muff.

• Ani : Yousa used to be somebody.

• Ani : Hit the nose!

  [repeated line] 

• Ani : What's the one thing Jabba asks for when he goes to a seafood restaurant?

  [pause] 

  Ani : Bib for tuna.

  [Ba dum tss] 

• Ani : Does your voice get any whinier? Like you could say something like:

  [mimics Hayden Christiansen] 

  Ani : "Now that I'm with you, I'm in agony." Really lay it on thick, make her feel guilty. And if all else fails, slaughter a village of Sandpeople.

• Ani : Jesus Christ. I thought these jokes would slay, but you guys don't know dick about Star Wars.

• Ani : To tell you the truth I lost about every lightsaber battle I ever had. The only time I actually won anything was against a bunch of kids.

  [Horrified laughs] 

  Ani : But that was a really close call. Those were some nimble younglings. Could have gone either way.

• Ani : Mara Jade, huh? Never heard of you.

  Mara : Really? You must not know dick about Star Wars.

• Ani : Great dance, kid, that was one in a million.

  Mara : Thanks, Ani!

  Bib Fortuna : Jabba says you got the part!

  [Last lines]