- Kimmy Schmidt: We are going to pay the rent, I'm gonna get my job back, and I'm gonna kiss a boy. And you are going to sing at the Grammys with Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.
- Titus Andromedon: Bad examples, but yes!
- Kimmy Schmidt: [grabbing the candy bar Buckley stole] Hey! I saw you steal this. Where is your grownup? Are you alone? Or are you some kind of tiny businessman, sir?
- Buckley Voorhees: Stranger danger!
- [runs off]
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm not stranger danger! I'm a stranger danger ranger!
- Club Girl: Hey, do you wanna party with us? Are you into molly?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Am I? She's my favorite American Girl doll.
- Kimmy Schmidt: We should go out to celebrate. I mean, I got a job today. I got an apartment. I met you!
- Titus Andromedon: I envy you. I've never been able to meet me.
- Titus Andromedon: What are you doing here, Amelia Bedelia? I told you to go back to Indiana.
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm not going back. I'm not gonna give up, and neither are you.
- Titus Andromedon: I'm trying to protect you!
- Kimmy Schmidt: Protect me from what? The worst thing that ever happened to me happened in my own front yard. Life beats you up, Titus. It doesn't matter if you get tooken by a cult or you've been rejected over and over again at auditions.
- Titus Andromedon: Some of which you paid to attend.
- Kimmy Schmidt: You can either curl up in a ball and die, like we thought Cyndee did that time, or you can stand up and say, We're different. We're the strong ones, and you can't break us.
- [first lines]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Merry Christmas, sisters.
- Cyndee Pokorny: [referring to the Christmas tree] Just beautiful, Sister Kimmy.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Now which one of you guys have been chosen as my secret Santa?
- Gretchen Chalker: We can't not tell, Sister Kimmy. Then 'twouldn't be a secret. Duh.
- [all laugh]
- Kimmy Schmidt, Cyndee Pokorny, Gretchen Chalker, Donna Maria Nuñez: [linking hands and singing to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"] Apocalypse, apocalypse / We caused it with our dumbness.
- Matt Lauer: Cyndee, you were the first young woman forced into this cult.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Yes. I had waited on Reverend Richard a bunch of times at a York steakhouse I worked at. And, one night, he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits and I didn't want to be rude so... here we are.
- Matt Lauer: I'm always amazed at what women will do because they're afraid of being rude.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [to Kimmy after showing up late for work] This is strike three.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What were strikes one and two? Has baseball changed?
- Titus Andromedon: I auditioned for "The Lion King" twenty times in fifteen years until they finally told me, "You are not passing as a straight giraffe."
- Kimmy Schmidt: But you are such a good singer. I heard you.
- Titus Andromedon: I have not sung in public in three years. You wanna know what I do now? I dress up in that robot costume in Times Square and I pass out flyers for an arcade. My boss is seventeen years old, I get paid in quarters, and I'm starting to think cab drivers are hitting me on purpose.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Well, you got out of Mississippi.
- Titus Andromedon: Escaping is not the same as makin' it, Kimmy.
- Kimmy Schmidt: I am one of the Indiana Mole Women.
- Titus Andromedon: From the news. Why didn't you tell me?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Because I just want to be a normal person. And I can't. I don't know anything. I can't tell phones from cameras. Even policemen have tattoos.
- Titus Andromedon: Pack up your trifles and whatnots.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What?
- Titus Andromedon: Get your things and go home. New York City is not for you.
- Cyndee Pokorny: [emerging from the bunker for the first time] Kimmy, I think we counted wrong. It's not Christmas.
- Kimmy Schmidt: But it's here. It's all still here.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Kimmy, what are you doing?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm not going back.
- Cyndee Pokorny: What?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm staying here.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Kimmy, that's crazy! You have a middle school education! You won't make it here!
- Kimmy Schmidt: I have to get my life back. Everybody in Durnsville is always gonna look at me like I'm a victim, and that's not what I am.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Well, if you're really gonna do this, take some of my Mole Fund money. I mean, a pop here's like five dollars.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Honey, you come back here with a job, the place is yours.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Thanks.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Yeah. Oh! But don't wear that yellow sweater. 'Cause the Crips'll think you're in the Banana Boys. It's a new gang. There weren't any good colors left. Nice to meet ya!
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [answering her door] Thank God. Are you the dog masseuse?
- Kimmy Schmidt: No. Ma'am, I found your son.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Buckley? Where's Hunong?
- Buckley Voorhees: She never picked me up, so I was just walking home.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Liar!
- Jacqueline Voorhees: I'm sorry, and you work for the school?
- Kimmy Schmidt: No.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: So you're an Uber driver.
- Kimmy Schmidt: No.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: So you *are* the dog masseuse?
- Matt Lauer: Donna Maria, you were working for a company called Happy Maids? You were lured into the reverend's house. You thought this was a job.
- Donna Maria Nuñez: Sí, Happy Maids.
- Matt Lauer: Fifteen years living with these other women, and - and yet you still never learned to speak English.
- Donna Maria Nuñez: [in Spanish] These bitches didn't learn any Spanish, so...
- Kimmy Schmidt: Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: You want smoke? "Herr-on"?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Um. I'm here about the ad?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: The roommate ad!
- [gasps]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: My god. You're here about the ad! I own the building. Come on. It's a garden-level maisonette. Uh, look at you! You look so nice, and Titus is a very, very sweet boy.
- [she presses his apartment buzzer]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: A little crusty on the outside but a soft heart - like a wonderful French roll. But black.
- Titus Andromedon: [through intercom] Who the
- [static]
- Titus Andromedon: is it?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: It's Lillian, dear.
- Titus Andromedon: [through intercom] Oh.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: [to Kimmy] It's gonna be wonderful for him to have a roommate, because he's very isolated but so talented but disillusioned. But a genius. And he's single! But very gay. And he doesn't know I placed the ad.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [giving Kimmy the details of her new job] It's $17 an hour cash, under the table. You'll need to sign an NDA and a DNR. Do you get sick in helicopters?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I never have.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: You'll need to be here by six every morning to get Buckley up for school. Then get me up at ten, but don't wake me up.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Can I just say how grateful I am for this opportunity?
- Jacqueline Voorhees: I'm sorry. What is your name?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Oh, it's Kimmy.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Kimmy. Are you good at braiding hair?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm awesome at it.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Fantastic! Of course, you'll have to meet the horses first.
- [takes a bottle of water out of the fridge]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Do you want a water?
- Kimmy Schmidt: No thanks.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Okay.
- [throws the bottle into a wastebasket and gestures to Charles]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: This is Charles; he's a tutor. He'll help you do Buckley's homework. Also, it's Buckley's birthday tomorrow, so you'll need to make a cake that's cute but also paleo.
- [hands Kimmy her dog]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Swedish, ninety minutes, medium pressure. I'm going to bed.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What in the ham sandwich? I just got a job.
- Charles: Please tell me that you're normal. I - I need someone here to talk to.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Oh, I'm very normal. I've had everything normal happen to me.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: When will I be gettin' my money?
- Titus Andromedon: What about my money? Slavery reparations, Lillian.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Touché. You people have suffered.
- Titus Andromedon: You got a secret.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What?
- Titus Andromedon: You moved to New York City today with a bag full of cash, no stuff, and what is clearly a wig. Somebody in here got beans. Spill them.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Okay. Well, the truth is, I'm from Indiana...
- Titus Andromedon: Oh!
- [chortles]
- Titus Andromedon: Okay. That explains why you're so basic. Say no more.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Actually, Buckley, this isn't your worst birthday ever. Your worst birthday ever was when you busted my genitals.