JonTron (TV Series)

Bootleg Pokemon Games (2014)

Jon Jafari: JonTron

Quotes 

• JonTron : Now this next one is actually one of my favorite ones. It's called Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal. Yeah, that's actually what it's called.

  Jacques : That's racist.

  JonTron : [turns around to Jacques] 

  JonTron : Now you listen here, pip-pip. A racist mind is a racist kind. You, you take that to sleep with you tonight cause I know, it's not gonna change hearts and minds in a day. You don't give a man a peanut, expect him to have a farm the next day. But it's aright. It's alright. One day, we will all be equal on this earth. Until then, I'm gonna give you a kiss, muffin.

  [Jon kisses Jacques on the head] 

• JonTron : Ah, this game's like a breath of fresh air because it showcases all the Pokémon that we've come to know and love over the years. You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination...

• JonTron : Oh, not to mention, every single high score on this game is DDR, DDR, DDR, DDR, didn't bother to hide it, DDR, didn't bother to hide it, Pacman, DDR, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE, LOSE! Well, my work's done here! I'm gonna go get a goddamn glass of bootleg milk to calm my goddamn nerves. Feel like Geppeddo in the goddamn Pinocchio musical.

• JonTron : The Continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pokémon. To me, it's as if he's laying there, wouned in the light and a Pokéball rolls up to him and Ash says, "Keep going, Pikachu, or it's back in the ball for you."

• JonTron : Also, can we take a minute to talk about the fact that Pikachu has a face of a, uh, a balding middle-aged man? Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum?

• JonTron : Oh, by the way, this game's pure bullshit.

• JonTron : Something you might notice is that Pikachu jumps like Sonic. He's even got those super-fast spinning feet when he runs like in Sonic 2. Oh hey, and he even charges up in a... in a ball... like... Sonic... the Hedgehog. That's So- that's Sonic. They, it's So- IT'S SONIC!

  [picture of Sonic with red tint spins on the screen] 

  JonTron : It turns out that this is actually a hack of an existing hack for the Game Boy Color called Sonic Adventure 7. Yeah, what happened to three through six? Do you even realize what this means? Ladies and gentlemen, we are playing what could be the world's very first double hack!

  [cut to JonTron with two computers, typing in two codes at the same time; he lets out an orgasmic sound] 

  Jacques : Whoa, Jon! You're in danger of reaching hack capacity!

• JonTron : Hold on a second. Talk about rocking out with your cock out! I bet you $50 that's the guy who made Moemon back there. That's Mr. Moemon.

• JonTron : And speaking of food, Pikachu himself looks like a fucking potato.

• JonTron : "Picaclick," "picaslot," "picadance," and... p..."Pacman?" That one is just called fucking Pacman! OK! Hold on! No! That is the only game that had a P in it to begin with. They could have just as easily called it "Pikaman," as all the others are themed with "Pika," but no. They just let it Pacman. Alright, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't want the subtlety of their, uh, blatant theft to be lost on the masses.