- [Sue made her own "jumping meter" for volleyball practice]
- Sue Heck: Hey, mom. Hey, dad. W-we're seeing who can jump higher. I made the jumping meter myself.
- [she jumps and hits a level]
- Sue Heck: Yeah!
- Frankie Heck: Ooh, that's clever.
- Sue Heck: Dad, try.
- Mike Heck: [easily taps the top level with his finger] I win.
- Frankie Heck: Well, that's not fair. You're 17 feet tall.
- Axl Heck: I blame Mom and Dad. 'Cause I don't know if you know this, but I am completely unsupervised here. No one tells me to go to class. No one tells me to do my homework. No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow is not a good idea. Last week I slept for two whole days. Nobody woke me up. I brush my hair with a fork! I always thought if Mom and Dad would just get off my back, I'd be fine, but I need them, Brick. I need them on my back. Don't tell them I said that.
- Brick Heck: Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?
- Mike Heck: [upon finishing "Into Thin Air"] That's it. We are never climbing Mount Everest. Rich people sure like to die in weird places.
- Brick Heck: Axl, this is completely illegible.
- Axl Heck: Thank you. My teacher said he couldn't even read it.
- Frankie Heck: When's the last time any of you listened to me, huh? It's just "Mom, we need this", "Mom we need that". "Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever.
- [Sue's gym coach called to tell her parents she was accepted on the volleyball team]
- Frankie Heck: Wow. Sue made volleyball. Now when she gets home, act surprised.
- Mike Heck: I don't have to act.