Trainwreck (2015)
Amy Schumer: Amy
Photos
Quotes
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Amy : [remarking on Oli's extra large genitals] Have you fucked before? Where is she buried?
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Amy : What am I doing? I slept at the doctor's place last night.
Nikki : You never spend the night. What were you, blackout drunk?
Amy : No, I had like two drinks... Three, max... Four, now that I'm tallying.
Nikki : Cause you're on antibiotics or something?
Amy : Oh my god, he's calling me.
Nikki : Why would he call? You guys just had sex.
Amy : [answers phone] This is Amy. I think you butt dialed me.
Aaron : No, I dialed you with my fingers.
Amy : [to Nikki] He called me on purpose.
Nikki : Hang up! He's obviously like sick or something.
Aaron : I was calling to say I had a really good time last night and was wondering if you wanted to, um, hang out again.
Nikki : I'm going to call the police.
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Steven : [whispering] Amy, is that wine in a box?
Amy : Mhmm. I have red too.
Guy in Back of Theater : What the fuck, is this guy ever going to shut up?
Amy : [drunkenly] Please watch the movie.
Steven : [whispering] Please stop. No, that's not right, don't do this to me.
Amy : Why is he yelling?
Steven : Listen, you always do this to me. You show up to these places, you put me in a situation... I'm a big guy - everybody wants to fight the big guy.
Amy : Yeah you are!
Guy in Back of Theater : Hey, Mark Wahlberg. Shut your bitch up.
Steven : Mar... Mark Wahlberg? Me?
Guy in Back of Theater : Who else looks like Mark Wahlberg? Your girl?
Steven : Mark Wahlberg is like 150 pounds! I'm 250 lean - I look like Mark Wahlberg *ate* Mark Wahlberg!
Guy in Back of Theater : Your muscles aren't the fuckin' problem; it's your yapping girlfriend!
Amy : [to Steven] Just say "fuck you".
Steven : I will *fuck* you! Alright? I will enter you!
Guy in Back of Theater : You're... you're gonna enter me? Did you hear what he said?
Amy : What are you talking about right now?
Steven : I'm just trying to intimidate him.
Amy : You're just talking about raping him.
Guy in Back of Theater : You're not about that life, champ. I can see it.
Steven : Oh, I am about that life. No no no, I will get *crazy* up in here! You like movies? We'll make a movie! We'll make "Mama Say Knock You Out" starring my fist and your dick hole!
Guy in Back of Theater : Oh, shit. What the fuck is wrong with this dude?
Woman in Back of Theater : He wants you.
Amy : Babe, your threats. I'm telling you, they're super gay.
Steven : Too sexual?
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Amy : Hello. Thank you for coming. Gordon David Townsend, not that great of a guy. He was kind of racist, and homophobic. He was a drunk. He was a drunk. He once apologized to me for missing a volleyball game that he was at. He had, umm, made signs with my name on them. When I was eleven, this kid, Brandon Lipinsky. Remember Brandon? He stole my bike, and maybe he was just borrowing it, but our dad went over there and beat the shit out of Brandon's dad, and his grandpa, and Brandon. I bet he personally offended everyone here. Right? Raise your hand if our dad ever offended you.
[Most attendees raise their hand]
Amy : Yeah. He was an asshole. When I asked him to tell me the story of how he proposed to our mom, his response was "Who?". I know he was joking, he loved her a lot, but, uhhh... He was really sick for a really long time. Which isn't fair, because, I don't think anyone else was more alive than him when he was younger. He thought it was payback. he thought it was karma, and that's why he got sick, but I don't think so. I think he was the greatest dad. He always made me feel loved and important. I know he fucked up. I know he probably hurt everyone here. But raise your hand if he was one of your favorite people.
[Most attendees raise their hand]
Amy : He was my favorite person. Thank you.
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Aaron : Do you follow sports?
Amy : Oh, my God. Sports? I love them.
Aaron : Who are your favorite teams?
Amy : The, uh... I like smaller teams, like the... not the big leagues. I like the... like, um... Long Island Mediums. The... the Acorn Pine Cones.
Aaron : Haven't heard of them.
Amy : The Fire Island Penguins. I like the Cincinnati Thunder-Wizards.
Aaron : You can stop.
Amy : The Orlando... Blooms?
Aaron : You can stop. You don't follow sports.
Amy : I'm sorry, I don't. I don't know anything about sports.
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Dianna : Your thoughts?
Amy : I'm sorry, I just... I don't know why we treat these athletes like heroes just because they can skate fast or kick a ball in a net. I just think it's weird. No offense. I just think that sports are stupid, and anyone who likes them is just, like, a lesser person. And has a small intellect.
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Aaron : Honey. You okay?
Amy : Did I get it?
Aaron : Did you get the basket?
Amy : Did it go in?
Aaron : Oh, of course not. You didn't get enough height.
Amy : No?
Aaron : No.
Amy : I thought I got a lot of height.
Aaron : No, no. Zero height.
Amy : No height, huh?
Aaron : Usually when people hit trampolines they go high, but, for some reason, you went down. You went straight down. Hard!
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Gordon : Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic. Say it.
Nine Year Old Amy , Five Year Old Kim : Monogamy isn't realistic.
Gordon : Again!
Nine Year Old Amy , Five Year Old Kim : Monogamy isn't realistic!
Amy : [voice-over] I didn't understand that word at the time but now, I know exactly what he was talking about.
