- Oderus Urungus: It's like Oderus Urungus always says: If your friends won't accept the one that you love, then pour Drano down their throats so you'll never have to listen to anything they have to say ever again!
- Adam: Don't ever read my journal again!
- Oderus Urungus: Sorry! What kind of grown man keeps a journal, anyway? Might as well have a... pet hamster.
- Adam: We did that joke last season.
- Oderus Urungus: We did?
- Adam: Yeah. Remember Horace Pinker, the hamster in the ball?
- Oderus Urungus: Eh, I only watched my scenes.
- Valentino Foxx: What's up, Dudes? I'm looking for Tonto DeWitt.
- Joe: Uh, sorry buddy. There's no one here named "Tonto". And 1987 is down the street.
- Lance Rockett: [Enters] Good evening, Holliston!
- Joe: Or right there.
- Lance Rockett: You got a Dyver Down flier for me to sign or something, Valentino Foxx?
- Valentino Foxx: Dyver Down? Is that the Van Halen cover band from New York? Or the one in Baton Rouge, Detroit, or San Fran?
- Lance Rockett: [Realizes] Damn.
- Bailee: [Throwing Corri against the wall] I know you're on to me. So here's the deal. You're not gonna say another word. And you're gonna walk away.
- [Holds switch blade up to Corri's throat]
- Bailee: Or I'm gonna slit you open from your throat to your belly button. Are. We. COOL?
- Corri: We're cool.
- Bailee: [Puts switch blade away] Perfecto! I really hope we can be friends and play nice, Corri. Oh, and by the way? You should really use some Dermalogica cream for those wrinkles.
- [Holds up Dermalogica cream to the camera]
- Bailee: Thanks, Dermalogica!
- Adam: What are you reading?
- Oderus Urungus: Your journal.
- Adam: Those are my private thoughts!
- Oderus Urungus: Heh-heh-heh... "March 31st. Why did Subway get rid of the Seafood and Lobster Sandwich? At first I thought they'd at least bring it back in the summertime, but they didn't. Sometimes I wonder why I go on. But I just do. I just do." Man, this is some deep shit!
- Corri: This little girl is crazy town! She pulled a knife on me and she's setting him up to go to jail for statutory rape!
- Officer Pappas: Woah. That's a serious allegation. Rape is very bad. And not funny.
- Officer Duffy: If you rape, you ain't... grape.
- Officer Pappas: Grape.
- Bailee: Officers, I have never seen this Joan Rivers lookalike in my life.
- Joe: Hey, boss. Where's Dean?
- Lance Rockett: He went home to live with his mother. Once he found out I was broke and about to lose my job I guess he just didn't need me in his life anymore. And we were gonna start a Skid Row tribute band and everything. I guess "Youth Gone Wild" just wasn't meant to be.
- Adam: Well, speaking of youth gone wild. I found out that my girlfriend Bailee, she was only 11 years old and a wanted sociopath. Apparently, what she does is she lures older men into sleeping with her and then she threatens to blackmail them by saying she's gonna go to the authorities unless the dude will perform grisly murders for her.
- Lance Rockett: Adam. Did you not hear me? A Skid Row tribute band! It would have been awesome!
- Vikki McLixx: I'm looking for a guy named Tonto DeWitt?
- Lance Rockett: Wrong building, Douchebag.
- Vikki McLixx: Man, if I don't get his bone marrow, I'm gonna die!
- Valentino Foxx: Apparently, you and my Mom poured some sugar all over each other in teh club's bathroom.
- Lance Rockett: I've poured some sugar all over a lot of people in bathrooms!
- Joe: [Aside to Adam] Thank god he still hasn't poured some sugar on me.
- Joe: I'm sorry your son left you, Lance.
- Lance Rockett: Pfft. Having children is for old people. I'm only 23 years old. This Rockett was meant to rock-it until every head is bangin' and every chick is slammin'. No kids for this legend. Not now. Not ever.