- Leo Palamino: Writing and the pursuit of a woman, like any impossible dream, are not about immediate results. They're about telling the truth.
- Neil: You know, it is kind of sexist you thinking her kicking a football is cool.
- Leo Palamino: It is cool.
- Jill: [on a handglider] Woo hu hooo.
- Neil: My wife flies. That's cool.
- Leo Palamino: Eh!
- Neil: Also, she made my ballsack a Twitter account.
- Leo Palamino: You wanna get a coffee sometime? Or drink, dance, charcuterie plate? Everyone's big into those these days.
- Colette: This is my wedding.
- Leo Palamino: We all have baggage.
- Mandeep: When I met Pooja, she was betrothed to a bricklayer's son cum internet millionaire.
- Leo Palamino: So, what did you do?
- Mandeep: Challenged him to a duel.
- Leo Palamino: Jesus. You dueled him?
- Mandeep: No, I just love how you believe any crazy shit I say about India.
- Neil: So, someone started a drinking game.
- Leo Palamino: How's it work?
- Neil: Well, it's very simple. They go into a pub. If you're in the pub, you're drinking and you say, "I love you," then they drink.
- Mandeep: Hmm.
- Neil: [seeing Leo get up on the stool] No no no no no. Leo, no, come on.
- Mandeep: [together with Neil] No no no no no no NOOOO no no no no no! No.
- Leo Palamino: [to the crowd] You're assholes! You know that?
- [pause]
- Leo Palamino: But I love you!
- [Everybody cheers and drinks]
- Leo Palamino: But next time you try to lose yourself in some trauma-inducing sexual encounter, make sure the guy isn't in love with you.
- Tess: ...because if you can disprove one thing a person in power says, people will question everything else they say.
- Chrissy: The beauty of nature will surprise you, if you look and listen.
- [Kids sight Leo and Colette making love]
- Binocular Kid: That really is awesome.
- [first lines]
- Julie Deere: I've been writing a blog about how much you suck.
- Leo Palamino: What's it called?
- Julie Deere: Why You Suck dot net.
- Leo Palamino: That's a clear title.
- Julie Deere: Are you gonna read it?
- Leo Palamino: Nope.
- Julie Deere: Our friends think it's hilarious. If you don't read it, I won't just email it with a password to people we know. I'll make it public.
- Leo Palamino: Go nuts, Jules. Stuff it up your blog.
- Leo Palamino: I love that she doesn't like roses. They're the attorneys of the flower world, don't you think?
- Colette: Now, before I tell you about the bodies found under the floor when the hermit died, any questions?
- Leo Palamino: I don't want your balls on my phone.
- Neil: If they say wise or hilarious things, you do.
- Sean Cooper: You just got popped, old man. And to teach you a lesson not to chase another man's wife, we're gonna stomp you, too.
- Leo Palamino: [laughs] Okay. Okay, 'cause I don't fight kids. Especially nice kids who are gonna grow up to do amazing things.
- Bully Kid: Is that sarcasm?
- Leo Palamino: Yeah. The way you're blindly following this dip-shit, I see remedial classes and meth mouth.
- [the boy gang proceeds to stomp Leo]
- Tess: Well, if I were twenty years younger and not in a committed polyamorous relationship with some people in Anchorage, I would... I'd fuck ya.
- Leo Palamino: That is the nicest thing the mother of anyone I've loved has ever said.