Movie Nights (TV Series)

Hamlet the Vampire Slayer (2012)

Kyle Kallgren: Ralph Oancitizen

Quotes 

• Ralph Oancitizen : The definition of diarrhea?

  Obscurus Lupa : It's funny because it's poop.

  Ralph Oancitizen : They misspelled 'feces'.

• Ralph Oancitizen : Now they aren't even defining it, they're just using toilet words. I refuse to watch anything that makes a scatalogical reference that isn't somehow tied in with any social-political commentary.

  Obscurus Lupa : Yeah, poop should have meaning, dammit.

• Duffy : When are you Goth kids ever gonna learn that vampires don't exist?

  Obscurus Lupa , Ralph Oancitizen : Ohhhhhhhh.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Then a vampire kills her in slow-mo. It's stupid as crap.

• Ralph Oancitizen : Hamlet is a cheerleader. Why is Hamlet a cheerleader?

  Obscurus Lupa : The question is, why aren't YOU a cheerleader?

• Ralph Oancitizen : I want to punch him in his side burns.

• Ralph Oancitizen : This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen on film.

  Obscurus Lupa : Dumber than Trash Humpers?

  Ralph Oancitizen : No... you got me there.

• Ralph Oancitizen : Just stop! How come the last moments of a dying old man... a dying 25-year-old man... are being coupled with a song about being single?

  Obscurus Lupa : Maybe that's how it hap...

  Ralph Oancitizen : That's not how it happened in the play!

• Ralph Oancitizen : They killed Gertrude with a poisoned pom-pom?

  Obscurus Lupa : Her name was Gertrude?

• Obscurus Lupa : So, what'd ya think?

  Ralph Oancitizen : I feel like a frat boy shat in my soul.

• Todd in the Shadows : Hey.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Hey.

  Todd in the Shadows : 'Sup?

  Ralph Oancitizen : Nothing.

  Todd in the Shadows : You're gonna review Hamlet the Vampire Slayer at MAGfest, 'kay?

  Ralph Oancitizen : 'Kay.

• Ralph Oancitizen : William Shakespeare is MY turf!

• Ralph Oancitizen : Why the definitions? Just... why?

  Obscurus Lupa : Because... poop.

• Ralph Oancitizen : Is it too esoteric to make reference to Grotowski's Towards a Poor Theatre?

  Obscurus Lupa : I don't know what any of those words mean.

• Ralph Oancitizen : What is this now? Who is the guy who looks like Mike Myers' German SNL character?

  [subtitle: "Sven - a gay"] 

  Ralph Oancitizen : A gay. Of course. The fuck?

  Obscurus Lupa : Sven is Laertes' instructor in dancing and male cheerleading. So basically, he is that SNL character.

• Laertes : I'd rather twirl a baton... than a gun.

  Obscurus Lupa : That's deep.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Still less vapid a statement as "to thine own self be true."

  Obscurus Lupa : Why do you say that, Ralph Oancitizen?

  Ralph Oancitizen : My name isn't... gah!

• Ralph Oancitizen : What was wrong with the original language? Why must everything be dumbed down? Wherefore is this Columbius film before mine eyes be shown?

  Obscurus Lupa : Is that a real sentence?

  Ralph Oancitizen : Why the fuck am I watching this turd?

• Ghost : List list o list!

  Hamlet : Wait, wait, I think I got it this time. List list o list. You want me to listen, right?

  Ghost : No, I forgot my grocery list. I don't know if Hell needs any eggs or not.

  Obscurus Lupa : Wait, why did Hamlet's dad end up going to Hell? How good of a dad was he then?

  Ralph Oancitizen : Well, in the play, it's because his spirit can't rest until he is avenged. Here, it's because he made that horrible list joke. Well, that and the rampant child abuse.

• Voice Over : Ooh, scary!

  Ralph Oancitizen : No, not at all.

• Ralph Oancitizen : [to Ophelia]  Please drown!

• Ralph Oancitizen : And Macbeth talks to God and Lou Diamond Phillips, two things which I am fairly certain did not happen in Macbeth.

• Ralph Oancitizen : They ruined everything. Everything, don't you see? This is William Shakespeare. He is supposed to be revered, respected, his works performed in stuffy old theaters by people in rental costumes. It's not supposed to have toilet humor!

  Obscurus Lupa : Country matters.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Touche.

• Ralph Oancitizen : May flights of vampires sing thee to thy motherfucking rest!

• Ralph Oancitizen : Ah, beg your pardon, I have an inquiry. What is the semiotic denotation of a 'pinky promise'?

  Obscurus Lupa : I just heard 'Blah blah big words pinky promise,' so I can't help you.

• Ralph Oancitizen : [quoting from The Winters Tale]  I have drunk and seen the spider. There is a plot against my niche, my show. All's true that is mistrusted! Thou has usurped my art, and I remain a pinched thing; Yea, a very trick for you to play at will!

  Obscurus Lupa : [helpfully]  You drank a spider?

• Ralph Oancitizen : This guy must be on loan from A Raisin in the Son of the Living Dead. A theatre joke, thank you!

  [to Lupa] 

  Ralph Oancitizen : Don't use that take.

• Obscurus Lupa : Ralph Oancitizen, my friend, this is Hamlet: the Vampire Slayer.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Um... I guess I stopped listening after the word "Hamlet."

• Obscurus Lupa : [Gertrude appears, seemingly flirting with Hamlet]  Eww!

  Ralph Oancitizen : Well, given how many scholars have read incestuous longing between these two characters, this is not out of place.

  Obscurus Lupa : Did these scholars also see Hamlet as a cheerleader?

  Ralph Oancitizen : No. No, they did not.

• Ralph Oancitizen : John Everett Millais' The Death of Ophelia was not as beautiful as THAT death of Ophelia.

  Obscurus Lupa : Had to throw that reference in there, didn't you?

  Ralph Oancitizen : I have a reputation to uphold.

• Ralph Oancitizen : So, I hear you're watching Hamlet. Excellent, now which version is it? Branagh, Olivier, Grigori Kozintsev?

  Obscurus Lupa : Jason Witter.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Ah... who?

• Claudio : Hamlet is a stupid piece of asshole fart and I have no time for him.

  Ralph Oancitizen : Asshole fart?

  Obscurus Lupa : Ha, you said it!

• Ralph Oancitizen : They're playing Dungeons and Dragons. It cheeves me to know that these characters will survive.

• Ralph Oancitizen : Allow me to explain this one, because I'm not sure the audience will get it. See, Polonius is on the shitter, and he's making poo-fart sounds because he's relieving himself. This is all while Hamlet's mom is taking a test to see if her lover is a vampire, which is not the usual way to expose your uncle's vampirism. Also, this is followed by Polonius covering himself in toilet paper, thus causing Hamlet to confuse him with Claudio and stake him. Yah! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid film!

• Obscurus Lupa : Don't worry, Ralph, there's only fifteen minutes left.

  Ralph Oancitizen : [blubbering]  Fifteen minutes!

• Gertrude : I'm going to marry your uncle.

  Hamlet : Uncle Bob? He's your brother. Oh, that is AWESOME!

  Obscurus Lupa : [upbeat]  Incest joke!

  Ralph Oancitizen : [deadpan]  Ew.