The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Rhinitis Revelation (2011)
Laurie Metcalf: Mary Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary Cooper : Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon Cooper : Told you.
Mary Cooper : Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
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[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter : So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?
Mary Cooper : It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper : Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mary Cooper : You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
Leonard Hofstadter : What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.
Mary Cooper : Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
Sheldon Cooper : Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mary Cooper : For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!
Sheldon Cooper : The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.
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Mary Cooper : [On going to Rodeo drive] Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.
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Leonard Hofstadter : So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mary Cooper : It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.
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Mary Cooper : You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket?
Penny : Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".
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Mary Cooper : I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon Cooper : There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
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Mary Cooper : Back home, there's a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, taaaaall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she'd never find a man, but one day, wouldn't you know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed race babies.
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Mary Cooper : Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard Hofstadter : [to Sheldon] Please pester her, please, for me.
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Mary Cooper : [On visiting the wax museum] I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.
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Mary Cooper : Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?
Sheldon Cooper : I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard Hofstadter : Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon Cooper : Get them before they get us.
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Penny : Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper : You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.
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Mary Cooper : I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz : Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
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Mary Cooper : So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?
Raj Koothrappali : [smiling] Nothing, I'm fine!
Mary Cooper : Are you?
Raj Koothrappali : [starts crying] No!
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Mary Cooper : [about Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard Hofstadter : It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
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Howard Wolowitz : So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper : Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard Wolowitz : Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
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Sheldon Cooper : Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.
Mary Cooper : Apology accepted.
Sheldon Cooper : Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.
Mary Cooper : I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon Cooper : But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!
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Mary Cooper : I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard Hofstadter : We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.
Mary Cooper : Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.
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Mary Cooper : Lord, Mary Cooper here coming to you from "Gomorrah", California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. Alright, Penny, your turn.
Penny : Okay, um, hey God, what's up? Um, I'm good, but it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.
Mary Cooper : She also goes a little overboard on the 'Love thy Neighbor'. You could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you're up. Wasserman, you're on deck.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, I don't know, it's probably a little late to ask you to make me taller.
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Sheldon Cooper : I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mary Cooper : And whose fault was that?
Sheldon Cooper : Yours.
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[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper : Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?
Mary Cooper : No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
[sings]
Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Leonard Hofstadter : [sticks his head in the door] Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...
Sheldon Cooper : [snaps] Get out!
[Offended and hurt, Leonard leaves]
Mary Cooper : [Shocked and angry] Well, that was rude.
Sheldon Cooper : Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary Cooper : [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...
Sheldon Cooper : What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary Cooper : [looking upwards] This is what I'm talking about.
[sings]
Mary Cooper : Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
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Penny : Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary Cooper : Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon Cooper : [to himself] That will not be in this week's email blast.
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Mary Cooper : You can't force things. Figure out if you're in a relationship or if you're just calling it one. Like they say: "A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."
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Sheldon Cooper : I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.
Mary Cooper : I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.
Sheldon Cooper : What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
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Mary Cooper : The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
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Mary Cooper : [At a church] Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard Hofstadter : Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper : My goodness, it's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.